The art of fighting.
Yesterday I finished reading the book in the picture above and let me tell you, I am a new person now. This book completely changed how I view conflict and honestly I am better for having read this book.
Prior to reading this book I thought ALL conflict was bad. I just never learnt how to handle conflict. I come from a family that’s good at maintaining what the author calls “unhealthy peace.” Unhealthy peace is the kind of peace that’s maintained by ignoring grievances we have against someone and pretending all is well on the surface. That’s not even peace at all if we are being honest but that’s the kind of “peace” I was raised on.
My sister in law once pointed out that in my family we don’t address conflict. We get upset with each other, stop talking for a while then come back into each other’s orbits like nothing happened. I have been thinking about that since she mentioned it because it’s true. I just didn’t know how to fix it.
Whenever conflict arises in my relationships I either respond with rage or shut down completely. I am ashamed to admit that I have even ended relationships cos of conflict I just didn’t know how to resolve. I genuinely thought a good relationship was one without conflict. As if I haven’t met human beings!
As humans we are bound to rub each other the wrong way because we are human. I struggled accepting that. I’ve always foolishly bragged that in all the five years I was with Tshego we never fought. However after reading this book I realise that’s just not true. We had our conflicts I just didn’t think of them as fights. There is shame attached to the word “fight” in my life so I’ve worked very hard to distance myself from that “dirty” word.
I thought fights in a relationship meant that there was trouble in paradise and God forbid there be any trouble in my “perfect” relationships.
My now boyfriend and I have had two major fights. Even then I have needlessly carried silent shame about that cos how can two people who love each other SO much fight?! Turns out we were fighting because we love each other so much. The author says we have conflict cos we care about something a lot. We don’t fight with people we don’t care about. If a relationship matters to you you are bound to fight.
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With every conflict there is an unspoken need that parties of the conflict need met. In my fights with my boyfriend the need was to feel like we can trust each other’s love and care for each other. The conflict was about really small things in the grand scheme of things but the unspoken need between us was to be able to trust that we are loved deeply by the other and cared for.
I have also fought with my closest friends. I feel like some relationships just aren’t close enough for a fight to ever erupt. It’s those people we have in our innermost circles we are bound to fight with. With both fights with my two closest friends we just stopped talking cos neither of us knew how to resolve conflict. We have since made up and though now I feel the conflicts weren’t properly aired out I’m glad we made our way back to each other.
There really shouldn’t be any shame in fighting with your loved ones. If conflict is met with apathy it means you don’t care about the relationship. However if there is an emotional charge cos of the conflict it means you care about the relationship therefore you have to fight for it. It turns out that the adage that says, “the opposite of love is not hate but indifference”, is true.
This doesn’t mean that all conflicts can be resolved. Sometimes the best course of action after conflict is to let the relationship die. Even then the relationship deserves a good death. I appreciate that a lot cos I think sometimes we may be too focused on trying to save a relationship when its time is up. I hope and pray we all have the discernment to know when to save a relationship and when to let it die.
This book has truly been a transformational book for me. I am relieved to know that even the people who love each other the most can fight and that’s completely normal and okay.
Ha. This reminds me of this other quote by Jane Middelton-Moz I like that reads, “Children who’ve not learned that anger, conflict and love can exist simultaneously and that conflict can be resolved will become adults that hold their emotional selves hostage in intimate relationships.” My goodness, that’s SO profound! I have definitely been holding my emotional self hostage.
I feel free now knowing that anger, conflict and love can coexist AND conflict can be resolved. I have definitely been able to resolve conflicts with my boyfriend and my two friends. Now I know I don’t have to run or shut down when faced with conflict. It’s totally normal and it is okay. It means we care about something deeply not that we hate each other.
Now I am proud to say out loud that I have fought with my boyfriend and my friends and we have managed to make our way back to each other! That feels like something worth celebrating. No longer will I whisper about conflict in my relationships cos conflict doesn’t necessarily mark the end of a relationship. It can actually be a beginning to an even deeper relationship.
I am so grateful to have relationships in my life that are roomy, spacious and expansive enough to hold conflict. What a gift!
