Six Months In — A Bajan in Korea
I living, men. Yes, it’s been a minute. Between some ups and downs in my personal life and language school getting significantly more intense, it’s been hard to sit down and process my thoughts, let alone write them down. But we out hay! Every day doan brek de same, but I’m doing pretty well, definitely in a better space than I was in the multiple drafts I haven’t been brave enough to finish or publish.
When is the last time I post now? December? Yeah. A lot’s happened since then. I’ve gotten three magazine articles published (yes, I write for a magazine. I’ll talk about it another time, but here’s a link to the website.) I downloaded (and paid for — yes, paid for) a workout app and started exercising again. Dropped someone I thought I was a friend, and spent like two weeks being very bitter and angry about it. Had my first taste of TOPIK (the official Korean proficiency test I have to pass in order to go to my graduate school in August). Cried because I was homesick. Went to a pet café for the first time.
Yeah, it’s been a lot.
Next week marks a full six months since I moved to South Korea, and I’ll be honest, many days it doesn’t feel real. Right now, I’m sitting on a rather uncomfortable bed in my dorm room, groaning at the thought of a week of online class because COVID cases in Jeju are back up. After finally getting back to school in person, I’m really not in the mood to spend four hours in front of a laptop screen pretending to listen to a teacher who doesn’t want to be online either. It’s exhausting for everyone.
My mother turns fifty next week, six months to the day I left Barbados, and I’m slowly trying to come to terms with the fact that I can’t be there to celebrate with her. I’ve had a lot of those moments lately. It’s easy to move to another country. Staying and not having the freedom to go back home at your own will is another thing altogether. The homesickness is raw and heavy sometimes. Yeah, I have a support system, but there’s only so many video calls and text messages you can tolerate before it gets frustrating.
“It’s easy to move to another country. Staying and not having the freedom to go back home at your own will is another thing altogether.”
It’s been an interesting time. I’m stretching and changing, and the growing pains have certainly followed. I’m learning my problems have passports — I’ve still got vices and issues I thought I left in Barbados that I have to grapple with. I’m learning the hard way that you don’t really figure out who you are till you’re outside of your comfort zone, and that sometimes you won’t like what you see. I’m discovering just how messy navigating adulthood can be in all its spheres, and that process looks very ugly sometimes. Very ugly.
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Studying abroad’s often glorified and hyped up from afar, but the reality can be much more harrowing. I’m learning how to manage my own money (why is shopping for one person so much harder than shopping for an entire household???), navigate interpersonal relationships, keep a scholarship, establish routines and adjust to a new country all at once. It’s a big ask, and I’m only twenty-two. (Wow, I’m twenty-two. I can feel the knee pains.)
“I’m learning the hard way that you don’t really figure out who you are till you’re outside of your comfort zone, and that sometimes you won’t like what you see.”
I wish I could say the pressure isn’t heavy, but it is. I’m the first in my family to do what I’m doing. Expectations, no matter how unspoken, are still very much felt. I try not to worry the people I care about on the days when this journey gets hard. As much as it helps to have support, no one can wear my shoes. There are parts of this journey I’m going to have to walk on my own with only God to hold my hand. And sometimes even He’s like “I hay if yuh fall down, but girlie, yuh gaw figure this one out.” We does fall out on a regular cause uh dah. I still navigating living under grace, but that is a thought for another day.
Ort, ort. Lemme balance dis out now ‘fore wunna get me wrong. These last six months haven’t been perfect, but they most certainly haven’t been bad. Jeju’s beautiful. Learning Korean is fun (when I’m not being tested on it). My roommate and I have found our rhythm. I absolutely love my writing gig and the people I’ve gotten to meet and work with because of it. I’m getting to hone my skills as a writer while enjoying the music and films I like, and getting more exposure than I ever expected.
I’m growing a backbone, learning to set new boundaries and slowly but surely, developing a culture of discipline. Taking more risks. Trusting myself more. I’m learning more about my physical and mental health, and I’m giving myself room to make mistakes as I navigate this chapter of my life.
I’m proud of myself. I’m adapting, I’m growing and learning, and I’m achieving things I never thought I would be doing. I’m making new memories, building new bonds and learning to define myself anew. I’m getting used to the words “you’ve changed” and making peace with the possibility of disappointing people. Who I’m becoming won’t be for everyone, and that’s completely fine with me.
I made it six months. SIX WHOLE MONTHS. HALF UH YEAR. I mek it dis far. I have no idea what the next six months will look like, but I know I’m covered, and that I have what it takes to knock off that next milestone. And if I honest, part uh me real real excited to meet that McKenzie. What will she have achieved by then? Who will she be? How will she have changed? What will she have learned? Will she be proud of me? I have so many questions for her.
Until I have the answers, though, I gine be busy becoming.
Thanks for being so patient with this blog. Wunna better than me. Also, stay tuned for more content soon. I excited!
