Tylee Ashlyn Ryan
I love true crime. I am the first to admit that and the first to tell you that I completely fit the stereotype. I am female, approaching middle age, and (bonus) live in Utah. I listen to mostly true crime podcasts. I am fascinated by human psychology that, for me, is best understood through dysfunction. I am enthralled with the legal process. I have incredible respect for the rare podcaster that sacrifices clicks in favor of respect for victims and comes to their unique gift of storytelling with compassion and expertise (see Hidden True Crime, The Prosecutors, Someone Knows Something, and, while not really a true crime podcast, Mormon Stories for a few examples). To understand what went wrong in a cold case or wrongfully convicted case, or right in a rightfully convicted case is beyond compelling when told by the right storyteller. These stories have inspired me to donate to organizations dedicated to freeing the innocent and finding the missing, especially where our country’s history of racism or bigotry has played a role. I have long considered myself a critical and unbiased thinker, but listening to these stories have helped me hone my skills and uncover my unconscious bias. I am entertained and improved. But, the truth is, entertainment prevails, I listen to each crime with rapt attention and then all but forget the details hours later.
And yet, the case of Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow Daybell has had me obsessed. I have loose connections with the case (living in both Utah and Idaho and a history with Mormonism), but as far as I can tell, no real connection exists. The characters are familiar, but not the people. However, this is far from the first crime where this has been true for me. This case though, it has held me in it’s grip from the first day I learned of missing children. Despite the 5 years that have passed, it was today, the day the male of this disgusting duo learned he would die for his crimes that I finally understood why. I see myself in one of those victims. Tylee.
From my perspective, she has been the most overlooked. She has had no advocate on the phone with police asking where she is. No family member speaking only for her at press conferences or providing victim impact statements. She was, in many ways, alone. And, as evidence suggests, her murder may have been partially motivated by trusting and voicing her instincts (for the uninitiated, these are often known as “boundaries”). She had no father to protect her and a mother that chose a belief system over the safety of her children. Tylee had a big brother, who had escaped the family dynamic and WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING TYLEE. Colby likely feels guilty and responsible, but he shouldn’t. He has a young family and, while likely not fully aware, was himself trying to escape and overcome the trauma and abuse he had endured. I have no doubt he loved and cared for Tylee (and JJ), but his job was to learn how to be an adult, to care for his family, and to heal. Colby, Tylee’s family, and the family and friends of the other victims have spoken up for every victim including Tylee. But before we all understood what was happening Tylee was on her own, well before she should have been expected to protect herself. Not because she wasn’t loved and cared for, but because she had been isolated by an abuser. I can’t help but wonder if Tylee’s instincts are the reason she was targeted first. Tylee, I think, presented the most danger to the plans of these two heinous people.
This story is familiar to me. My mother was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder late in life, though I have had multiple conversations with my own therapist and she has suggested (not diagnosed) that something more like (or in addition to) Borderline Personality Disorder is a possibility. To this day, my mother refuses treatment for any mental health disorder. She is a convert to the Mormon Church and credits it with saving her life. She used that belief system, throughout my life, to justify irrational and abusive behavior and continues to do so today. She is still a True Believing Mormon, but she is less likely to engage in religious dialogue with me due to firm and distant boundaries I have put in place over the last couple of years. I do not think she would have reached a point of murdering me (or anyone for that matter) due to her belief system, but the truth is, there are few things I believe with certainty. And let’s be honest, did Tylee believe her own mother and uncle capable of this?
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What do I know for sure? My mother did the best she could. She was and continues to be abusive. She is delusional. Given the right charismatic leader, I do not truly know the limits of her beliefs to influence her actions.
I also know that I was not permitted to seek my own belief system (absolutely normal for most Mormons), any possible excuse was used to isolate me from friends my mother didn’t trust (all of them). I had minimal exposure to my extended family when I reached puberty, was regularly exposed to derogatory comments from my mother regarding her brother’s wife and my father’s entire extended family, but was also punished for failing to connect with my cousins (I’m still confused, and disconnected). And, when I was 15 years old, just a year younger than Tylee, my family moved to…Idaho of all places. Not because of religion or belief system, but for my father’s job. I have four siblings, three of them older. One was no longer living at home, one was on a mission, and one was deeply involved in her own traumatic experience and was coerced into moving with us despite being old enough to live alone. The last sibling moved with us too, and he is nearly a decade younger than I am.
During my time attending high school in Idaho, I was bullied, mostly by the Mormons. When I tried to tell my mom, she blamed me for not being likable enough to them. She accused me of lying about their actions. She refused to believe that some of these “good Mormon kids” were well known pot dealers and that one was actually drunk at graduation (“she fell down the stairs as a joke”). The friends I did have, almost all non-Mormon respected and protected my own restrictions. They never offered me alcohol or drugs of any kind. The one and only time I asked to try and smoke weed, they wouldn’t let me. They reminded me that I had said it was a violation of my beliefs. These were the kids that my mother didn’t trust, that she did everything in her power to isolate me from. I was grounded for months at a time for minor infractions (I got 4 weeks for a B on a test once) and forced to attend church overnight camping trips where the bullying taking place at school was now subject to even less adult oversight and reached new, and impressive levels. While all of this is happening, my mom notices that despite being old enough to date per the Mormon standards, I had not been on any dates. She, entirely on her own, decided that it was because I was gay and shared that with the women in our church congregation, who shared it with their children that were my age, and the bullying, well, you get the idea. My mother chose her beliefs, both Mormon and those entirely determined by her own mind, over me, her child, at every turn. I did have a father that should have protected me, but he chose his wife over his child, at every turn. I was alone. Left to protect myself. To survive on my own.
I did survive. Five days after my high school commencement ceremony, I moved out my parents’ home, out of the state of Idaho, and 25 years later continue to avoid both of those things. I tried to rebuild relationships with my parents based on interactions appropriate for adults. I found some success with my father before he died and have chosen all but no contact with my mother. I have survived. I continue to survive. And I am damaged as a result.
Tylee Ashyln Ryan. This young, but by all accounts, vivacious and determined young woman was dead too long before her absence was questioned. If not for the caring and determined grandparents of her brother JJ, who knows how long it could have gone on. How could these people have done this? They though the isolation was complete and didn’t count on the love of grandparents. The evidence says Tylee fought and I take small comfort in whatever happens after death, her fight is over and she can rest. That she played a role in ending a cycle that could have continued indefinitely. Tammy’s parents and siblings speak for her. JJ’s grandparents speak for him. Colby speaks for both of his siblings, Tylee and JJ. Every family and friend out there hurts and grieves in a way I cannot truly understand. The families and friends of all the victims have spoken and felt for all the other victims of these heinous beings. But is anyone there just for Tylee?
Tylee Ashlyn Ryan. You are a hero. You are a protector. You have stunning blue eyes and a radiant smile. You are loyal. You have a beautiful voice. You are sassy, sarcastic, and have a goofy sense of humor. You have amazing talent. You are vivacious and adventurous. You are creative. You are fearless in the face of fear and anxiety. You love television and pop culture. You love people and you seek out the invisible. You like to stay up late. You value solitude. You deserve better. You deserve a life of your own making. So many have seen you now. I have seen you. My heart is broken for you, JJ, and Tammy. For your families. And I would give anything to have seen you sooner.
