Why Raising Respectful Men Is a Social Responsibility
My last blog, on respectful men can’t be raised by mothers alone, set off more discussions than I expected across several WhatsApp groups. I decided to write down a collective response with another blog.
Some people felt parents know their children the best and are perhaps the only ones who can influence their sons. Others vented their anger against male-dominated cultures. Some hinted childhood trauma and some said it was repressed sexual desires. A few pointed out the complainant didn’t come forward immediately and that her account changed. But many agreed that the responsibility belongs to both parents and society.
On an unrealistic goal:
Quite a few told me that this conversation is futile. Maybe it is. But social change always looks impossible until it isn’t. Women’s suffrage, the end of apartheid, and the civil-rights movement all sounded unrealistic once. So did #MeToo, until millions refused to stay silent. I agree that education and technology haven’t eliminated prejudice. We have built rockets to Mars while racism and misogyny persist on Earth. However that is no reason to quit.
I accept that the primary responsibility for raising respectful people lies with parents. But what happens when good values taught at home collide with a culture that rewards, excuses or normalizes bad behavior?
Did the parents of the men accused in the Cornell case fail to teach right from wrong? What about the young men who allegedly knew and said nothing? Were all their parents negligent? Probably not. So we have to look beyond parenting. I am not a student of psychology or sociology. But we all know there is peer pressure, fraternity culture, pornography, alcohol, institutional failure, and the willingness to stay silent when speaking up is hard.
On the word “alleged”:
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Some readers noted, correctly, that the Cornell case is an allegation. An allegation is not a conviction, and courts, not social media, decide guilt. But “no conviction” is not the same as “nothing happened.” RAINN, (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), citing US Department of Justice data, says about 73% of rapes and sexual assaults go unreported to police. Of every 1,000 assaults reported, roughly 50 reports lead to an arrest and 28 to a felony conviction. That is why this is not just a women’s issue. It is a human rights issue, a matter of humanity at large. And therefore, a social responsibility.
On the justice system:
I’m told to wait for the justice system to take its due course and deliver the truth. But how much faith can I place in that process when allegations reach the highest institutions of power? Consider the 2018 US Supreme Court confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh. Christine Blasey Ford, now a university professor, testified before the Senate that he had sexually assaulted her at a house party when they were high school students in the early 1980s. Kavanaugh denied it. After a bitterly partisan fight, the Senate confirmed him 50 to 48. I’m not judging what happened between two people decades ago. I’m saying victims shouldn’t have to wonder whether the accused is too powerful or politically too important to face scrutiny, and the accused shouldn’t have their lives destroyed by allegation alone. A trustworthy system must protect accountability and due process together, especially when the stakes include a seat on the highest court.
On how we treat victims:
In high-profile cases, from Dr. Ford’s testimony to the Cornell allegations, the complainant’s account is often attacked for gaps, inconsistencies or changes over time. A fair investigation should draw on what psychology has taught us about trauma, coercion, group behavior and bystanders. Survivors are expected to remember every detail, report immediately and never change their story. But trauma doesn’t work that way. The memory of a frightening event can be fragmented, and delays in reporting are common. That doesn’t make an account true, but it shouldn’t make it false either. It means our institutions should understand how people actually respond to trauma, instead of expecting them to behave like perfectly functioning witnesses.
I’m well aware that one blog won’t change fraternity culture, reform universities or rewrite laws. But #MeToo movement didn’t begin with a government program. It began with one woman speaking out, then another, then many more and eventually snow balled into a global phenomenon.
Parents can’t do this alone and neither can schools, governments or women. Victims must be heard and supported, bystanders must speak up, and institutions must be held accountable when they fail.
I don’t know if we’ll ever eliminate rape or abuse of power. But what I do know is that if we stop trying because the problem is too big, nothing will change. So I’d rather take the criticism and keep asking uncomfortable questions than decide the problem is too difficult to solve.
