Sober
I woke up on the couch alone at about 2:00AM this morning. The TV was on with a Sling screensaver bouncing around. I couldn’t remember anything. I tried to think of the last thing I could remember doing yesterday. I landed on getting out of the pool. The sun was still shining. Did I eat? I wasn’t hungry so maybe I did. I don’t remember doing that. I was dressed but I didn’t remember doing that. I was really confused.
My contact lenses were pretty well stuck to my eyes after sleeping with them in for several hours. I trudged upstairs and pried them out and put them in to soak. I got into bed and laid there, trying to piece together bits of memory. I did have an image in my mind of the gas grill with burgers and foil covered ears of corn on it, so I guess I was grilling. Still plenty of gaps in the timeline from yesterday.
This was my first blackout. As in blackout drunk. It scared the hell out of me. Now I have to reckon with the fact that I’m an alcoholic. I drank way too much vodka, my drug of choice. Clear liquids, clear head the next day, right. That’s what the drunks say. Well mostly… maybe not.
I’ve been doing better than before, this year. Early this year when my wife finally discovered how much I drink, she hid all the booze. I was okay with that and I never tried looking for it. She took charge of the problem and took on the burden of me not drinking. All I had to do was not drink. It was quite an adjustment. The door on that lower cabinet next to the refrigerator got quite a workout from me. Rum, gin, Captain Morgan, bourbon, it was all down there in half gallon quantities. Open the door, take a pull off the bottle, put it back (quietly) and go back to what you were doing. I could easily go through a half gallon in a week.
It worked pretty well. I lost a lot of weight from not drinking, there are a lot of calories in booze. Since I wasn’t rinsing out all the gut bacteria with alcohol all the time, that got better too. I didn’t increase my beer intake either, I liked beer but I never liked drinking a lot of it. As I consumed no alcohol I felt a lot better.
The problem was, my wife forced the change on me. I didn’t change.
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I was on vacation for a week earlier this spring and thought it would be nice to have a martini once in awhile. I bought a half gallon of Prairie Vodka, my favorite. This should last for a while given my new lifestyle, I thought. It was gone in a week.
Yesterday we went to an art show in the morning and afterwards we went out for breakfast. It was a hot day so we planned to spend the afternoon in the pool. I mentioned that I would like to have an adult beverage in the pool. My wife said sure, mix one and I’ll hide the rest of the bottle. That was the only way that booze would last. She was at the store when I got back from the liquor store with a bottle of Prairie and a 12 pack of Heineken. I got busy doing stuff with the Prairie safely stowed in that cabinet. I got everything done, pulled the cover off the pool and came in to fix that drink.
Of course when fixing the drink you have to pour a few hits in yourself first. Then pour the vodka over ice in the insulated glass and add flavoring and seltzer water. The another pull before putting the bottle back in the cabinet.
I kept it together pretty well for most of the afternoon. My wife got back from the store and joined me in the pool. Because I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to, my capacity isn’t what it used to be, but I was drinking like it was. I returned to the cabinet surreptitiously I don’t know how many times, so by dinnertime I was a mess. I don’t remember this, of course. It’s what I was told.
I was told that I was mean and snarky, argumentative and generally… well… an asshole. I could barely eat, struggled with a napkin, and yelled at the TV. She had no idea I had that much vodka until she saw how much of it was gone. She finally had enough of me and went upstairs to bed.
I’m pretty sure that last night was rock bottom for me. I can’t control how much I drink. I work the bottle until it’s empty and go to buy more. It’s been how I’ve operated for over four years. Some nights were more than others but there was usually some kind of hangover the next day.
So that’s it, I’m done. No more beer, margaritas, martinis, gin & tonics or anything with alcohol in it. August 21, 2023 is my first day of sobriety.
