The most important skill
What one thing would you teach your child?
Often, what I write in this newsletter is born of conversations with my partner and my friends. A question asked, a comment raised, an insight offered — which is where today’s post got its start.
During my visit to Thailand a few months ago, I had lunch with a former-boss-turned-dear-friend and our conversation drifted to what skill we’d teach our child, if we were to have one. He said he’d teach two: discipline and empathy.
I nodded in agreement — those are good skills to have, undeniably important in today’s world riddled with distractions and overrun with hostility.
How about you? Which skill would you teach your child, he asked.
My response was immediate: self-awareness.
The most important skill
If I were to have a child, the most important skill I’d teach them would undoubtedly be self-awareness.
Here’s the easy reason why I choose self-awareness as the number-one skill to impart: without self-awareness, there can be no intentional improvement.
If you subscribe to the view that humans are flawed creatures like I do, self-awareness of our foibles would seem like a crucial skill to have in order to develop into well-meaning, fully-functional beings and members of society.
If we’re eternally late to meetings but aren’t self-aware enough to recognise the pattern, then we can never intentionally change and become punctual. If we continually let ourselves get walked over by others but don’t realise it, then we can never learn to draw and enforce boundaries with the people in our lives.
But the reason I pick self-awareness as the most important skill goes far deeper than that. I pick self-awareness because for more than two thirds of my life, I had none. And this lack of self-awareness led to a not-so-minor breakdown, several lost months, and acute pain to myself and those who loved me most.
For my entire childhood, I had no idea what kind of a person I was, what was important to me, what my values were, what weaknesses I had. All I was aware of was that I was a good student and I must keep going further and faster and higher and shine like the star that I was destined to become.
I only looked ahead and upwards, never inwards. I did not see myself. I didn’t want to see myself. Because life was good the way it was and I didn’t think anything needed changing.
I lacked the self-awareness to realise that I didn’t have a sense of self beyond “I’m a good student,” that I was selfish and lacking in empathy, that I was incapable of forming and maintaining deep friendships, that I had bad values and wasn’t aware of it, that I led a deeply unbalanced life that would one day lead to my entire world crumbling on top of me and burying me in a deep, dark pit of despair.
No, I was blissfully unaware of all of this. Until one day, when my world did crumble down on top of me and I finally realised from the bottom of that pit: something’s wrong.
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This is why I value self-awareness so much, and why it’s the first thing I’d try and foster in my child.¹ I wouldn’t want anyone to grow up charging full speed ahead blindfolded like I did.
What one thing would you teach your child?
To combat my tendency to fall into the “only what I think matters” trap (see? Self-awareness!), I asked a couple of my influential-thinker-friends what one skill they’d teach their child, and this is what I got back.
Iris of Urban Healing House said she would teach her child mindfulness because “it’s a great skill that leads to more awareness and the ability to see from different perspectives.” Neither of us is sure how early a child can learn mindfulness, but I’m eager to find out from Iris if that day comes where she has a child of her own.
Katie of Everyday Woo said:
I’m not sure if it’s a skill per se, but my answer would be the courage to always be the kid that asks the questions. Curiosity is an antidote to apathy, and I would want my child to pursue it even in the face of a society that often tells us to sit silently and accept things as they are.
One thing stands out from looking at all the answers — discipline, empathy, self-awareness, mindfulness, the courage to always ask questions: none of these things rely on other people.
These are all skills which we can cultivate and exhibit without the need for external validation or even cooperation. They are what I’m going to call “self-sufficient qualities” that can stand firm on their own, unyielding to the vagaries of popular opinion, the fickleness of other minds.
And I’d like to think that’s how our most important skill should be.
What do you think?
You’ve heard from me and a few other friends whose opinion I highly value. And now it’s your turn to articulate your thought on the matter. Let me know:
What one skill would you teach your child?
What do you find most crucial to living a good life, whether or not you intend to introduce tiny you to this sometimes cruel but beautiful world? Leave a comment, share this with someone who has that skill.
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Until next Monday… Stay thoughtful,
Val
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Footnotes
- Not that I’m likely to ever have one, as I’ve written before in this popular post.
