Rediscovering Myself In A Well- Chicago Marathon 2024 Journal
I’ve always had mixed feelings about destiny. Is it real, or is it just something we make up? It’s kind of a paradox, but I’ve come to believe that things just are the way they are.
I’m sure you’re wondering how this is even relevant, but from my recent experience in the Chicago Marathon, I realized the power behind how you choose to view outcomes. I think my little journal and reflection in this post may offer a perspective as to how overcoming mental setbacks can feel liberating, but can also remind us about this power we hold.
Getting into Marathon training can be a lot, especially when finishing the race isn’t just your main goal. But what I love about the sport is that the formula to running faster is so simple- run more and stay consistent. Funny enough the downside is exactly that- the amount of work you put in a training block has a direct correlation with your race performance. There is absolutely zero mercy.
There’s almost no benefit to having delusional optimism where you know you didn’t train your hardest. Unlike team sports with multiple quarters and rest breaks, in running your only opponent is yourself and the only thing that matters is how you carry yourself from the time the gun goes off till the time you cross the finish line.
Buildup
My buildup to the Chicago Marathon was subpar at the very least. I was battling burnout throughout this entire year and a lack of desire to even run the damn thing. However, I figured that showing up and running the race itself would be the dub of the year.
To put into perspective just how much of an anomaly this build was compared to all of my previous ones, here are some more details.
Average weekly mileage for my last 6 marathon builds:
- Myrtle Beach 2021: ~70–75 mpw
- Indianapolis 2021: ~75–80 mpw
- Boston 2022: ~75–85 mpw
- Houston 2023: ~90–95 mpw
- Grandma’s 2023: ~95–100 mpw
- CIM 2023: ~100–110 mpw
- Chicago 2024: ~35–45 mpw
After breaking nearly 4 years of consistency and progression in my training, I finally reached a point where I felt “vulnerable” in my commitment to the sport. I started to correlate mileage and PR’s with my love for running, and that’s where I made a mistake.
Thoughts
Running is man’s most primitive form of movement. It’s built in us, it’s in our DNA. To be demoralized because my legs can’t carry me as fast as I want them to in an age where human beings can make a living from their couch is comedic at the very least. In retrospect, running isn’t supposed to be serious. It’s supposed to be fun. And it is also supposed to be an expression of ourselves.
So in a way running is also an artform. It takes years upon years to perfect it. And by perfecting it, I mean learning how to run by feel and listen to your body. Knowing how to push and how to relax when striving for a particular goal is the only “secret sauce” you can have.
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Even though I knew this race wasn’t going to be my best, I knew I was going to learn one thing from it- humility. In the last 4 years, of all races I’ve done, I’ve never not PR’d in a single one. I figured that instead of dropping this race and avoiding that feeling of unworthiness, that I’d face it.
Chicago
Friday (T-2)
I flew into Chicago Friday morning barely thinking about the race. I had taken a red eye flight so I was on 3 hours of sleep. I was super fatigued and was just trying to get the race over with. I realized that compared to all my previous races, I wasn’t thinking about how the race was going to go, my nerves weren’t kicking in, and I was feeling this sense of helplessness as if I was thrown into a Roman Colosseum with no weapon (even though I technically threw myself in there). I ended up doing a 3 mile shakeout run which felt super hard. I remember a lot of negative self-talk during that run, where I would constantly bash myself for not having a training block and letting myself get the worst of me. It felt miserable. If I was going to run 26.2 miles 2 days from now and was barely able to get by a 3 mile run, then what the hell am I doing here.
Saturday (T-1)
Saturday was a bit of a turnaround, though short lived in the morning. I had gone out to a group run with Matt Fox, someone who I look up to in the running community. I felt excited all of a sudden after seeing so many runners that morning- from Olympians to amateurs. As night came and I was pinning my bib to my racing singlet, my mind went back to its rotted self-talk.
- Why am I here?
- I’ll probably DNF
- I’ll probably get tired at mile 4…how the hell am I going to get to 10
- I feel like I let myself down
- Mentally I am so out of it, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the race
I have never felt this much disappointment from my favorite hobby. It was hilarious, but I still went through all those emotions and feelings and knew that I must find a way to fall in love with the sport again. It felt daunting, but I knew that only way to really give myself a shot at climbing back up was to finish the race and have that be my win of the year.
Sunday: Race Day
I woke up Sunday morning already feeling defeated but in a very peacefully accepting way. My negative self talk had gone so deep over the last couple days that my mind finally decided to accept my own defeat. It felt liberating and as if I finally had some room to breathe.
A lot changed once I made it into the ADP tent (American Development Program) and saw all the other 200–300 runners in my speed group in addition to the professionals in the other tent. For once I felt gratitude.
- I realized where my years of hard work had gotten me in terms of getting me seeded in a competitive corral group. It finally felt like I belonged in there I was super grateful for it
- I had the privilege of warming up with pros (world champions and olympians) and having a sense of awe and inspiration.
The gun went off, and within the first 3 miles I had already sensed myself getting fatigued. I genuinely didn’t know if I was going to get to the 10 mile marker at the very most.
Between miles 3 and 8 was when I had my first internal battle. My mind was reinforcing my misery, but my only goal was to keep the legs moving. Slowly, I started to get into a groove. My breathing became relaxed and I tapped into a flow state for the next couple miles.
I gutted it out until around mile 17, but that was when I decided to call it. My legs had become super sore by this point and I had no desire to finish the race. I remember walking towards an aid station to DNF, but I felt this almost physical force pull back into the course. The feeling of not finishing and having to fly back home haunted me more than crossing the finish line struggling. I decided to finish it- I stuck it out until mile 20 and then the last 6 miles was the classic crawl to the finish line story.
Reflections
I ended up running my 4th fastest marathon time. Not the worst case scenario, but enough to humble me.
A couple takeaways and inspirations from this experience.
- It’s a privilege to have a hobby you care so deeply about
- It’s a privilege to be able to push your body to its physical limits….for fun!
- Everyone has their own challenges, but when you get to the start line, the race is all that matters
- To those who struggle mentally, you have more control over outcomes than you may think
- Everything is in your mind. If you really want something, your mind can will you there
- Embrace the struggle, and adversity will feel like a playground
Burnout is definitely real, I believe that mental stress and health issues should be treated no differently than a physical injury. With a healthy mind comes joy, and when you have that, the training becomes your sole purpose, not the race. This peace also allows you to be more in tune with your body, and to know when to take things easy and when to ramp things up. It allows you to become an artist when you take on the road and trails, and honestly, touching into that creative side is when we’re always at our best.
