Not Trans Enough?
Most people are familiar with imposter syndrome as it relates to their work. I know I felt that way a long time as a software product manager. You wonder all the time:
“Do I really know what I’m doing?”
“Maybe I’m just really good at faking it.”
“What if someone finds out?”
It’s a hard mindset to overcome.
But after coming out as transgender, I realized I had been experiencing something surprisingly similar about my gender identity.
“Am I actually trans?”
“Am I trans enough?”
“What if I’m wrong about all of this?”
I’ve talked with a number of other transgender people who have experienced some version of the same thing. Both before coming out, and even after transitioning.
So, I want to talk about what trans imposter syndrome means from my perspective. Specifically, where it comes from, why it can persist even after transitioning, and lastly, how I’m learning how to cope with it on a daily basis.
Why Trans People get Imposter Syndrome
For cisgender folks, this may be hard to understand. But, I think this imposter feeling has a number of roots.
Pre-transition imposter syndrome is driven partly by compulsory heterosexual (comphet) culture that constantly drives home that anything outside of cisgender, heteronormative identities is “not normal” or “wrong.”
Compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) is the social rule or pressure that treats being straight and cisgender as the only “normal” way to be.
When you are struggling to understand your own identity and have feelings that run counter to the culture, you develop an enormous sense of self doubt, shame, and guilt.
This leads many transgender people to question their own transness. Sometimes they question it for decades, like me. The longer you’re in denial, the harder it is to overcome that shame-driven imposter feeling and actually come out.
We tell ourselves different stories in those moments to try and invalidate our feelings.
“I’m not trans enough, I can’t come out.”
“Maybe I just have a weird kink or perversion.”
“Something is just wrong with me.”
That last one is a key to understanding the issue, I think. Once you start believing something is wrong with you, you begin looking for explanations that allow the world and it’s dominant culture to remain “normal.”
We have so many lines we repeat to ourselves. Minimizing every real feeling, before ever deciding to come out. It takes so much internal fortitude to overcome those feelings.
Some people never do.
It took me nearly 38 years after first realizing something was different about me when I was 12.
Other Trans People
The other driver of imposter syndrome, pre-transition, happen to be other trans people already in transition.
I’m 51 years old. I have dealt with the guilt and doubt around my own transness for decades. Before accepting who I was, I’d see stories and photos of other trans women already well into their transition journeys.
I would see these women and think,
“Wow, look how brave they are.”
“They look amazing!”
“They seem so happy and comfortable with themselves.”
But then I’d follow that up with thoughts like,
“I’d never be able to do that.”
“ I’m not as trans as she is, I’m just weird.”
“I’d never look that good if I transitioned, so why bother.”
From where I was standing, the distance between where I was and where those women were seemed enormous.
In the US, the estimated number of people that identify as transgender is between 0.5% — 1% of the population. That’s about 1.7 to 2.8 million people, age 13 or up. Not counting people that might be trans but aren’t self identifying.
Some of those people may never allow themselves to acknowledge what they already know.
That’s a lot of people who may have experienced some version of this self doubt. Imposter syndrome can push people to stay or go back into the closet.
Imposter Syndrome Post-Transition
It makes sense that transgender people might experience imposter syndrome before coming out. But what about after? Shouldn’t transitioning resolve those feelings?
Sometimes. But not always.
Everyone has their own individual experiences after coming out, so this is just my perspective. Keep that in mind.
For me, these feelings occur far less often than before coming out. But it hasn’t disappeared completely.
At times, I will question my own transness. Primarily during bouts of dysphoria.
I’ll see another trans woman who is further along in her transition. Maybe she has physical characteristics that I desperately want. Maybe she’s developed curves that I haven’t. Maybe she looks incredibly feminine in a way I still struggle to see in myself.
And at 51, scrolling through trans subreddits and seeing beautiful 20- or 30-year-old trans women who seem to have everything I wish I had can be particularly brutal. (I know better, but still…, if you’re starting HRT, get off Reddit. Learn self compassion.)
Dysphoria doesn’t always care what you know intellectually, though. Sometimes the emotional response wins out anyway.
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And when it does, that imposter feeling comes rushing back.
“Trans Enough” isn’t a thing
When those feelings do come rushing back, it makes me question whether this is all worth it.
I’ll start wondering if I’m trans enough.
Now, mind you, the phrase “trans enough” is meaningless.
There isn’t a scale where you need to reach some arbitrary number before someone hands you a transgender membership card.
This feeling, and that phrase, are solely driven by all that internalized shame and guilt driven into us throughout our entire lives.
So, if you’re transgender — or you’re questioning whether you might be — and you’re reading this while wondering whether you’re trans enough, let me make this as simple as I possibly can:
YES, YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH!
And if you are considering transitioning, regardless of your age, I am encouraging you to start — whether that’s socially or medically or both.
Nearly every trans person feels this way at some point in their journey, and we needlessly drag out our revelation and courage to start transitioning.
Believe me, there is no better time to start HRT than right now.
“…transition is nobody’s first idea, or second, or third, it’s usually the last resort…We know full well that trans people are stigmatized and that transition can bring social exclusion…We do it anyway because we have no choice. When every other option has been exhausted and we still don’t feel right, that’s when we give in and transition…only trans people genuinely consider transition, because we’re the only ones who still think it sounds exciting and enticing despite all the side-effects. Warning someone who’s decided to transition that they should think it through is like asking someone if they’re sure they want to be released from prison.”
― Mia Violet, Yes, You Are Trans Enough: My Transition From Self-Loathing To Self-Love
Dealing with Imposter Syndrome
So, how do I deal with these feelings now?
I don’t know that I have a repeatable, successful approach yet.
Sometimes, when dysphoria hits, it feels almost worse now than it did before I transitioned.
That might sound strange. But I think I understand why now. Before transitioning, I didn’t have much evidence of what was possible.
Now I do.
And when something happens that reminds me of the things that haven’t changed yet, the contrast can be painful. I can see what I want. I just can’t always see how I’ll get there.
When this happens, I try and focus on things that have improved. I tell myself, those things didn’t happen overnight. Be patient.
Transitioning is a long game. A mental game of chess you have to continually play. You constantly calculate and recalculate your next move. Sometimes you lose a piece. But you have to reassess and not give in to the temptation to tip over your King (Queen in my case? Hmmm…).
At other times none of that works and I just have to wait it out. I isolate. I cry. Just let it all out and feel everything I can all at once. That deluge seems to trigger a reset that allows me crawl out of it.
I’m also lucky enough to have a girlfriend that I trust and can go to with these kind of feelings. If I just can’t shake the imposter feeling or dysphoria she can almost always bring me out of it.
Sometimes she says exactly the right thing I need to hear.
Sometimes she says nothing at all — she just holds me.
Having a strong and steady support in your life makes a huge difference in being able to move forward.
Let’s all move forward together
If it feels like I’ve jumped between feelings of imposter syndrome and gender dysphoria. That was partially intentional.
The two are definitely distinct psychological experiences; but they overlap and feed into each other on a regular basis.
In her article on Transgender Imposter Syndrome, Kitty Whitemore sums up how this feeling goes a lot of the time,
I think to myself, “Kitty what the heck are you doing? You’re never going to fully assimilate, you won’t achieve your goals. You’re an imposter.” These doubts are fleeting and are less frequent now, but I cried so much early on when I had these thoughts. I hope that one day I won’t feel like this. I’m coming to terms with who I am and that’s really hard. I think I know, but my sense of self keeps changing.
— Kitty Whitemore
Dysphoria can create the doubt.
That doubt can create imposter syndrome.
And the imposter syndrome can make the dysphoria worse.
It’s a feedback loop.
Much like some of Kitty’s experiences, my bouts with these feelings will sometimes last a day or two.
It’s hard.
And while they’re happening, they can feel enormous and overwhelming. But eventually they pass. And what’s waiting on the other side is something I never really had before I transitioned.
Self acceptance and peace.
Those ordinary moments of being comfortable in my own skin are worth more to me than almost anything I experienced before transitioning.
Because I actually like me now.
That might be the biggest difference of all.
What I hope is that the moments when I feel confident and comfortable with who I am continue to become more frequent, while the moments of doubt become less powerful.
Maybe that’s what progress actually looks like.
I simply want to just be Veronica. And be happy that I am.
Ultimately, I think that’s what we’re all trying to do.
Figure out who we are. Learning to accept that person. And, eventually, maybe even like her.
I know I’m getting there.
And I hope you are, too.
I hope this story sparked an idea or was relatable in some way. If it did, and you enjoyed my writing, feel free to clap and share it with someone who needs to read this today. If you want to dive deeper into these topics, subscribe and follow me here on Medium to get notifications in your email when I publish.
And, thanks! ❤
