I Used to Think This was Nothing
I have tried to write this article so many times. And everytime my daughter wakes up.
I put her down.
I wait.
I tell myself, Okay. Maybe now I can sit down for a few minutes.
I open my laptop. I write a sentence. Maybe two.
And then I hear her. She needs me.
Again.
This isn’t a rant.
This is just me realizing, perhaps for the first time, as much as I love my baby, there was so much of my old life I never stopped to appreciate.
I think mothers will understand this immediately.
My baby is tiny. She needs her mother for everything right now. And yet, somewhere in the middle of all these interruptions, I think about how much of my old life I used to consider nothing.
Going to a restaurant.
Taking a shower whenever I wanted.
Having a cup of tea while it was still hot.
Not having to calculate what I could get done in the next thirty minutes after she sleeps. Haha! Nothing taught me time economics like motherhood did.
Doing absolutely nothing.
I used to think these were just normal parts of life. Nothing special.
I used to think spontaneity was just… life.
Now I know they were freedoms.
Deciding at 6pm that I wanted to go out for dinner.
Taking a long drive because I felt like it.
Changing my plans simply because I changed my mind.
The biggest questions were — Which restaurant ? What do I wear ? Italian or Indian?
Now those questions come with a new set of considerations. Which restaurant isn’t too loud? What should I wear that I can easily nurse in? Which foods can I eat quickly in case I have to leave halfway through?
It’s a strange juxtaposition — the simplicity of questions that I used to ask and what I ask now. Now, every question has someone else folded into it.
Get Vivere Journal’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
And perhaps the simplest example of that is this article itself.
I have been trying to put my thoughts into words for days.
Even writing a few sentences takes an entire day.
Not because I don’t have anything to say. But because someone I love more than anything needs me more.
And everytime she does, the article waits.
The laptop waits.
The thought waits.
I get up.
I pick her up.
I hold her.
And even though a tiny part of my brain is thinking, I just wanted ten minutes to myself, another part knows I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
With her.
And that is the profound paradox of motherhood.
You can miss the freedom, the spontaneity, without wanting to give back your baby. You can be exhausted from being constantly needed and still feel grateful that you are the person they need.
Both feelings can coexist.
And I know that I haven’t lost that freedom forever.
I will get it back someday. One day my baby will wake up and not need me the way she does right now.
A time when I can say “Let’s go” and then simply go.
And when this day comes, I’ll appreciate spontaneity in a way I never could before.
I’ll drink my tea hot and notice.
I’ll go to a restaurant on a random Tuesday.
I’ll do nothing again.
For now, my baby is waking. She needs her mother.
So I’m going.
For those who aren’t a mother yet. Relish these ordinary freedoms more!
