Compiling myself
Title: “Compiling Myself”
I was 18 when I realized that choosing Computer Science didn’t mean I actually understood computers.
My name is Warisha
And if you had met me in my first year of college, you would’ve thought I had everything figured out. After all, I was a Computer Science student. In India, that label alone makes people assume you’re smart.
But behind that label, I was completely lost.
I didn’t get into a great college. Not even a decent one. It was the kind of place where dreams quietly shrink. The classrooms were dull, the labs barely worked, and the teachers seemed more interested in finishing the syllabus than teaching it.
There was no excitement. No inspiration.
Just attendance.
The first time I sat in the computer lab, I remember staring at the screen, pretending I understood what was happening. Everyone around me looked busy — typing, clicking, asking questions.
I couldn’t even figure out where to begin.
I felt like I had entered a world where everyone else had a map… except me.
In class, students casually talked about concepts I had never even heard of. They spoke with confidence, as if they had been preparing for this their whole lives.
I stayed quiet.
Not because I didn’t have questions.
But because I had too many.
Slowly, I started avoiding things.
Avoiding the lab.
Avoiding discussions.
Avoiding even opening my laptop unless it was necessary.
Because every time I tried, I felt the same thing —
I don’t belong here.
There’s a very specific kind of loneliness that comes from feeling left behind in a room full of people moving forward.
That was my everyday reality.
One night, when I couldn’t sleep, I found myself thinking —
What if the problem isn’t that I’m not capable…
What if the problem is that I’m trying to understand everything at once?
That thought changed something.
Not instantly.
But enough to make me try again.
The next day, I didn’t try to “learn programming.”
I tried to understand just one small thing.
Something so basic that it almost felt embarrassing.
But for the first time, I didn’t rush. I didn’t compare. I didn’t expect myself to magically understand everything.
I just focused on that one step.
And then the next.
And then the next.
It was slow.
Painfully slow.
There were days when I felt like I hadn’t made any progress at all. Days when confusion came back stronger than before. Days when I questioned why I chose this field in the first place.
Get Warisharizvi’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
But there was also something new —
A sense of control.
I started building my own way of learning.
Instead of depending on college, I started depending on consistency.
Instead of trying to be perfect, I allowed myself to be bad at things.
Instead of fearing mistakes, I started expecting them.
And gradually, things began to make sense.
Not all at once.
But enough to keep going.
My college didn’t improve.
The system didn’t change.
The environment stayed exactly the same.
But I did.
I stopped waiting for someone to teach me properly.
I stopped waiting for the “right time” to start.
I stopped believing that I needed a better place to become better.
Because the truth is —
Sometimes the biggest struggle isn’t the subject.
It’s the belief that you’re not good enough for it.
If you’re reading this and you feel stuck… behind… or just not “smart enough” for Computer Science —
I understand.
More than you think.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
You don’t need to be the best.
You don’t need to be the fastest.
You don’t even need to understand everything right away.
You just need to keep showing up.
Even on the days when it feels pointless.
Even when no one notices your effort.
Even when you doubt yourself.
Because one day, without realizing it, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come.
And you’ll understand —
You were never incapable.
You were just learning.
I’m still learning.
Still struggling sometimes.
Still figuring things out.
But I’m not scared anymore.
Because I stayed.
And sometimes, that’s enough to change everything.
