The phase of Life or This is Life.
Agony resides in every individual, some individuals express it, and some hold it while their souls scream.
Sometimes, I like to pretend life is easier than it really is — like the weight of responsibilities isn’t there, hovering over me. But deep down, I know the truth. Life is about responsibilities, about showing up and doing what needs to be done, whether you feel ready or not.
But I don’t want to live like that, always feeling like I’m ticking off boxes or dragging myself through the motions. I want to find a way to make it lighter, to trick myself into seeing responsibilities not as obligations but as moments I can enjoy, things I can be proud of.
I want to wake up and do what needs to be done, not because I have to, but because I want to — because it feels like part of something bigger, something meaningful. Maybe if I can see it that way, life won’t just feel easier; it’ll feel worth it.
Out of nowhere, a midnight thought hit me like a storm, and I was sobbing. I hated myself in that moment, even though I’ve always believed in self-love. But this time, it felt different — heavier. And then, I made a wish I never thought would cross my heart: “I wish I was a boy.”
It wasn’t because my parents ever made me feel like a burden. They never did. They’ve always given me everything I needed, every comfort, every bit of love a daughter could ask for. But still, somewhere deep inside, there was this weight, this unspoken fear, as if being a girl somehow made me not enough. It hurt more than I thought it would — to feel this way despite all the love they’ve given me.
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For a moment I found my father crying, he was feeling helpless and hopeless — as a daughter what I can contemplate. He never shared the reason or cause and my heart felt maybe if I had been born as a boy he would not have had this solidarity.
They say the universe listens to your thoughts, that it hears every whisper of your heart and sends back answers — sometimes as signs, sometimes as results. I never really gave it much thought, but then, the very next day, my mother cupped my face in her hands and looked straight into my eyes. Her voice was soft but carried the weight of a thousand truths. “You’re meant to live your life on your own terms,” she said. “For yourself, and no one else, you need to succeed. Your identity is your strength, and that strength is tied to your very existence. Don’t ever forget that.”
Her words hit me like a wave, not just as advice but as a reminder of the power I hold within me. It wasn’t just encouragement but also a reminder that everything I need is already inside me.
I tried to convince my little heart to feel at peace, but the void inside me didn’t let to feel. The guilt I carried from my endless overthinking kept screaming at me, “You’re worthless to your parents”. It was a thought I couldn’t escape, no matter how hard I tried. That evening, while trying to align my thoughts one of my father’s childhood friends stopped by for New Year’s. While chatting with him in my father’s absence, he suddenly said something that caught me off guard.
“Give your heart to whatever you’re doing, and don’t ever think about stopping. Your father might not say it, but he’s silently rooting for you, waiting for the day he can stand tall as the loudest and proudest man in the world because of you.”
I was astounded as if he knew exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. The weight of guilt vanished entirely, and his words gave me something stronger hope. A reason to keep going, to try harder, to believe that my efforts mattered more than I realized.
My heart smiled, eyes shined, and chills passed down my spine overwhelmingly felt worthy and special to my parents, it also made me realize that from the beginning - the day I was born to today my parents anyhow proud of me and believed in me in every way possible. The guilt vanished and my soul whispered conquer the world girl your parents are already cheering for you and you have no time to waste on those meaningless thoughts rather than turning their belief into reality.
