Meeting My Younger Self for Coffee
As we moved closer to our meeting, the room suddenly felt smaller, and our hearts beat faster with each passing second. Sitting across the table, I looked into my own eyes, wondering if I was looking at her as confused as she was.
What did she think of me, and how would I speak to her? Is she thinking the same things right now? She is me after all.
She may not know, but I know how timid and scared she was, still is, and maybe will always be. She hadn’t yet grown accustomed to her reserved nature; it was going to be hard to get any words out of her… she was still hiding, after all.
I hope she doesn’t think I’m judging her; quick, think of something to say. ‘Hello, my love. You’re even prettier than I remember’ I knew she would like that.
‘Hey, thank you… How old are you?’ ’23. I don’t want you to worry too much about what’s next; it all works out in the end. Try to be more present in the moment. I think that is the most important thing for you right now; our childhood memories are just a few small clips of nothingness, and these years will soon be the same. You try to ignore everything and label it all as insignificant, so it eventually fades away. Don’t be so afraid to feel upset, happy, insecure, confident; you don’t need to hide, and it is okay to show emotion. Anyone who makes you feel embarrassed for it is just holding you back. I know you’re just trying to survive by not thinking about anything, but try to live a little, juuust a little. It’s not all so bad, and the more you put in, the more you’ll get out of social interactions. You’re so cool, but nobody knows it! Let them know. ’ I can’t believe I just blurted all that out in one go.
She looked straight at me for what felt like forever, her face telling me, ‘not you as well’. “I can’t do it”, she said. “I tried so hard; I can’t get those words out. It feels like I’m drowning in my own head, and there is no escape”. I started to think of ways to tell her that it all stemmed from fear, without sounding patronising, but many tried to speak ‘sense’ into me back then.
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One day she will see that the blockage came from fright, because she was afraid to say the wrong thing, to say it in the wrong volume and at the wrong time, afraid of perceptions and people not liking her, so she punished herself with imprisonment instead.
“You don’t have to try harder for me. I know you’re trying. I know how hard you’re trying. And I’m sorry nobody understood that.” She smiled and nodded.
I knew she had a dozen questions lined up, so I asked, “Do you have any questions for me?”
“Can I hug you?” She asked with tears in her eyes.
She knew nobody could understand her the way I did, and for a moment she felt seen. Actually seen. What made us so scared of the world? I asked myself as I reached in for a tight cuddle.
I love her, and she has no idea how proud I am of her for fighting her mind. I just want to fix it all. She’s so little, so innocent and clueless, but she has to live it out to outlive her sorrows.
“We will be fine”, I say as she rests her head on my right shoulder.
