Gratitude
Note: Writing after a long time, so you may encounter lack of coherence. Hope it’s worth your time :)
This post is not about why you should be grateful or how should you be practising gratitude in your life. I am pretty sure you might have already heard or read about it quite a few times. You might even be practising gratitude in your life, or you might have ingrained it as your second nature.
What I am sharing here is a difference between certain types of gratitude that I have observed. Let’s talk about different kinds of gratitude:
- Conditional gratitude
- Comparative gratitude
- Gratitude of exchange - Transcendental (or unconditional) gratitude
Comparative Gratitude
By Comparative gratitude, I mean that kind of gratitude which is based on comparison and duality. Think for a moment about arguments such as “Be grateful for food because some people don’t even get a square meal”, or “At least I have so and so object”, “At least I don’t have so and so ailment” etc. which are based on comparing what you have or lack against what someone else lacks or has. Such statements or thoughts no doubt make you feel grateful for your existing circumstances, but there’s a basic flaw, their foundation is comparison. And a building is as strong as its foundation.
The gratitude that is based on comparison, has potential of evaporating as fast as it comes. You are happy because your line is bigger than someone else’s; the mind is using a comparison template to sustain that gratitude. And when you see someone with a bigger line? The template is still the comparative one, the mind again compares and there’s a dent in your gratitude. If it happens too frequently, the gratitude just evapporates like a dew drop.
Gratitude of Exchange
This part was not in my initial mental draft. I just chanced upon a research paper titled A Transcendent View of Gratitude. (Hlava, Patty & Elfers, John & Offringa, Reid. (2014). A Transcendent View of Gratitude: The Transpersonal Gratitude Scale. International Journal of Transpersonal Studies. 33. 1–14.)
Heavily quoting verbatim from that paper:
Evolutionary theories suggest that gratitude is an adaptation for reciprocal altruism, involving the exchange of gifts between nonrelatives, and providing
a benefit to human social communities (Komter, 2010; McCullough, Kimeldorf, & Cohen, 2008). Komter (2004) referred to gratitude as part of the “chain of reciprocity” (p. 195).… the narrow understanding of gratitude as an emotion driven by the receipt of
tangible benefits may be ignoring essential elements. Buck (2004) referred to definitions of gratitude based on reciprocal benefits as the gratitude of exchange. Lambert, Graham, and Fincham (2009) referred to the same as benefit-triggered gratitude.
If you think about it, this is the first kind of gratitude we learn. When we are taught to say “thanks” upon receiving a gift or help, this is the kind of gratitude that is being imbibed.
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When it comes to being grateful for receiving, it is worth reflecting that whether the gratitude is centered around the object received or the very fact of receiving or being a receiver. In the former case, it fluctuates with the object, the latter is purer and makes one humble. Besides, here the mind is using a template of give-take, profit-loss, which is again based on duality and duality means, thorns come complimentary with roses. (Why did the other receive more? Why did I not receive something this time?)
Transcendental Gratitude
Now, what do I mean by Transcendental gratitude? Honestly, I just wanted a term to distinguish between comparative gratitude, and I thought it was a “fancy” and “catchy” term :P. Remember, these terms and labels don’t mean anything, they are just pointers, I am just using them to point and differentiate between certain kind of feelings. Nevertheless, searching for this term lead me to the paper mentioned above, didn’t knew the word had already been coined ;).
By Transcendental gratitude, I mean the kind of gratitude that transcends comparison and limited mental notions. The feeling of being grateful not because of something you have or not, in fact it has no because. At most, for the sake of comprehension, you can call it being grateful for the gift of life, for each moment.
Quoting from the same paper:
There is evidence from both theory and research that the experience and behaviors associated with gratitude extend beyond the exchange of tangible benefits. Buck (2004) widened the exchange model of gratitude to include the gratitude of caring, in which “benefits are accrued from the giving of benefits:
the ineffable but incomparable benefit of loving and being loved” (p. 117).… Steindl-Rast (2004) portrayed gratitude as encompassing a spectrum of experiences related to the nature of the benefit. On one end of the continuum is
the feeling of thankfulness upon receipt of a gift. On the opposite pole is gratitude arising out of a peak experience of cosmic oneness that one might experience upon receipt of an undeserved gift, or in a feeling of profound connection with nature. He labeled the first experience as personal, the second as transpersonal because the context of the experience is beyond the self.
Now just because I have called two of the gratitude above Conditional does not mean that kind of feeling is subordinate to the one I referred to as Transcendental. It’s just their nature, their characteristics, just like transience is nature of this world.
The evolution of gratitude
Upon some reflection, it is not hard to see that conditional gratitude is not permanent; it fluctuates, because some condition or external agent is involved. Despite of that, it has its own importance: it is easier to comprehend, feel and experience. For someone who has not learnt to be grateful, it is the doorway, the first step towards the warmth and joy of being grateful. Because you cannot directly jump into Unconditional gratitude.
It’s like the analogy of using a thorn to remove another thorn stuck in your shoe. Conditional gratitude helps remove the thorn of ungratefulness. After that what’s required is a bridging, a maturity, an evolution of conditional gratitude into unconditional one. When we say “thanks”, is it something we are trying to do, to sound polite, to feel grateful or is our “thanks” an outward expression of gratitude, that we are grateful and the “thanks” just flows out on its own? We are our best judge and know the difference.
How does it happen? By reflection. When you stop and sit down and realize that no matter what the external circumstances, you can choose to be in a state of humble gratefulness, because what else can you do? Not being grateful or complaining or cribbing unnecessarily isn’t going to help you, it won’t take you anywhere. Ironically, even if you reflect on conditional gratitude for long, if you keep counting your blessings, eventually you will realise that gratitude is much better way of life. When it dawns upon you that it is ultimately in your hands whether you choose to live your life gratefully or ungratefully, the unconditional, transcendental gratitude starts to seep deep turning into a gentle silent undercurrent.
It’s not equivalent to complacence though, nor does it mean you will never have a low moment in life. But, when the mind is immersed in gratitude, you are able to see through whatever pursuit you undertake or whatever challenge you face, with a certain grace. You even receive more gracefully, with greater degree of humility.
If I could leave you with one thing to take away from the circus of words above:
Be aware whenever you are grateful, feel it, let your heart be soaked in that feeling, let that feeling penetrate deeper in you. See for yourself how it feels.
