Unbecoming
He wants me this way, she wants me that way.
He wants me happy, they want me sad today.
Why do I speak too much? Why am I so loud?
“Quiet,” they say, lost inside the crowd.
I am too happy, now she is too sad.
Called too egoistic, or too friendly and glad.
There are so many questions, so many norms to learn,
And every single day I just twist and turn.
How to be a nerd, how to be a coward,
How to hold a smile so nobody feels sour.
How to smile less, how to not be too cruel,
Caught in every expectation, boxed in every rule.
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So many instructions, so many expectations high,
Sometimes I just dream of being invisible to the eye.
They want me to be married, they want me to succeed,
To have a child at this age, yet tell me I am free.
I look at this reflection and fail to find myself.
Where am I lost, like a book upon a shelf?
Who am I right now? Who is this person speaking? I am no longer me, its just a shadow bullying me.
Where do I hide, where do I fly, what am I seeking?
How do I become invisible, away from every ache?
Will a shroud work, or the drowning in a lake?
So many commentaries, so many heavy gazes,
I am twenty-seven, tied in ropes of different phases.
I thought my teenage days were gone, and all would be okay,
That all the pain and all anxiety would finally wash away.
Adulthood is no better, despite the heavy cost,
And maybe in the end, I will always just be lost.
