The problem with remembering

Photo by Leyre on Unsplash

told myself i’d stop ruminating over every detail like a cross-referenced research paper

i scrawl through the torn apart heap of what was

hoping to piece back the brokeness

i crawl through the badgering heap, hoping to salvage what can be savuoured

i criss-cross over the parts that make me squirm

and launch over to the good bits

i let myself relish the nostalgic high

i tell myself it’s better this way,

better to stay here with the shadow of you than be without you

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i keep picking at old wounds

lifting the platster each time memory aches

i keep scratching the scab

getting bits of dried skin under my fingernails

wanting the itch to go away but not quite willing to let the scar fade away

i scratch over and over,

my wound never heals

the problem with remembering,

is that each time

i have to let go

each time,

i return to a reality without you in it