Boundary Problems
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.— King David, (Ps. 139:23–24)
I am currently reading a book called Boundaries. This book was recommended by my therapist who I started seeing a few weeks ago. It was my first time doing that so I wasn’t quite sure how to “do it right” or “do it well”. Where do you begin when discussing things so personal with a stranger? Where to begin when you’re also unsure when or how exactly the challenges you have today begun.
Like I do when I see my physician, I thought sharing my “symptoms” would be a reasonable place to start. But, being fairly analytical myself, I had a diagnosis or more accurately, a need in mind; I wanted to learn how to deal (better) with pain/grief in a healthy way.
The therapy sessions have quickly felt very natural and conversational and less mechanical than I expected, which I am rather glad about. I enjoy reading books so I have quickly dived into the book the therapist recommended and I just want to share something I have been learning (from the book) about myself. Spoiler alert it doesn’t (yet) seem to be related to my earlier self-diagnosed need.
Relational boundaries
So far, the book speaks to a concept of relational boundaries (vs functional boundaries). The authors of the book speak first to what a boundary-less life can look like and then move on to great detail about what a boundary can look like in a given relationship. In the 3rd chapter, they present this summary of boundary problems and it’s in this chapter where I have appreciated how a lack of boundaries is affecting me and those I relate with.
Can’t say No
I’ll skip over the phases that came before I recognized that I indeed struggle with saying No to others. Learning this about myself has been shocking because I would have never considered it because I say No to people all the time, probably more so in the past couple of years as I acknowledged the very real limits on my body and my capacity. However saying No to others, usually leaves me feeling guilty because I have come to expect that this No will impact the relationship negatively. I often try very hard to explore other ways I can be helpful in an effort to avoid saying No out of fear of hurting the relationship.
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I learned also how seeds of this boundary problem are usually sown in early childhood as one learns to relate with their immediate family and the outside world. It’s been shocking to appreciate how deeply rooted this behavior can be. It’s been mind-opening to appreciate the need to reflect on my past to see how this affected and still affects how I relate with others today.
Can’t hear No
Almost immediately after acknowledging my struggle with saying No came the recognition that I struggle more with hearing (and accepting) No from others. This is most evident in my tenacity to persuade others to see things my way and frustration when the persuasion fails. But I think what’s most detrimental is what often follows when someone tells me No. I tend to withdraw in some form from that relationship, usually emotional withdraw. Which in turn leaves the other person aware, cautious and probably fearful that emotional withdraw is how I respond to hearing No. What I am telling them is that it’s not safe for the relationship to say No to me.
A deeper expression of this problem is that I’ll tend to avoid situations where I expect to hear No. I anticipate these situations and I will find ways to put off difficult but important conversations if I smell a No coming. There was probably a point in my life when I did this more deliberately though I didn’t understand why then but today it feels like it’s a part of my emotional muscle memory, I do it without even thinking about it.
What next
I understand this behavior makes relationships unhealthy for me and much so for those I relate with. It’s unhealthy for me because I don’t feel safe to say No without expecting some negative consequences to a relationship. And when I can’t hear No, I communicate to others that it’s not safe for them to always be themselves with me, that our relationship is at stake when they say No. That’s a difficult place to put any person and I feel deeply regretful that my behaviour should cause others to feel unsafe.
I don’t think I will ever enjoy saying or hearing No, I don’t think anyone does. It is difficult to accept another person’s refusal to give support or to be intimate or to forgive but I think good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront so I think this worth learning.
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another
— King Solomon, (Proverbs 27:17)
I feel so grateful to have learned this about myself. I am especially thankful to those who helped me along the way. I understand that it will be difficult to unlearn something like this, but I can’t help feel hopeful that I am already on my way to learning how to set and respect relational boundaries. I certainly appreciate their importance.
The next chapter in the book talks about how boundaries are developed. The analyst in me is excited to learn about this.
Special thanks to Nimrod for reviewing the final draft of this article.
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