LOVE/PERSONAL GROWTH/AWARENESS
Relationship
Poetry and commentary about the power and challenge of being in a love relationship
One of the most common concerns of clients who come to me has to be relationships. So often, a person will be dissatisfied with their present relationship, whether male and female, male and male, or woman and woman, and they want to know when the perfect love will come. Our love songs, fairy tales, books and movies, ideas we have grown up with shape our notions what a good relationship is, distort the purpose of relationship and has given us only discontentment and illusion. So, too, in my relationship, I find myself, when the crap comes up, the pain too great, I wish I was somewhere else, in someone else’s loving arms. But I know, through experience and by words of the wise, that searching for the perfect one is but a trap, a great lie.
Last week, when hell was breaking forth between me and my lover and unleashing ghosts bleeding from old wounds, I found myself unexpectedly in the presence of a woman named Ma. The presence of Death, as many around her were afflicted by AIDS, and the presence of Life, as she emitted such compassion, walked side by side through the gathering, and reached into my heart and drew out something long forgotten — Love. A Love that possesses tolerance and compassion towards those in one’s life, yet firmness and strength in attaining one’s goal. I came to her ready to run away from my lover/partner, and to devote my life to God.
Now, no longer on the run, I devout this relationship, however long it may last, to God.
A monk in a mountain cave,
Praying for the Lord to appear.
Perhaps in the beginning
God comes running,
Flowers in hand,
And embraces and caresses.
Yet time will pass
And the mind will rebel,
As the wounded ones —
So long-forgotten within —
Will throw God out
And step on broken flowers;
And take the monk down to the town
And happiness in another form will be sought.
Only one of ancient youth,
Who can hear the echo of a thousand slammed doors,
And can smell the fragrance of a thousand crushed flowers,
Will stand fast
And await the beloved’s return.
As summer turns to winter,
As heaven falls into hell,
So does the lover and the beloved
Move around the wheel.
Never does there exist change without pain;
For never comes death without its shadow sorrow.
And all relationships,
Whether God and devotee,
Disciple and guru,
Or two lovers,
Summon the mistress Change.
A relationship is as a river
Flowing towards the sea.
At times pools will form
And algae may grow upon their murky waters.
But gravity will have its way
And pull the waters downward,
To move on again towards those boundless depths.
Rapids there will be,
And waterfalls as well,
And sure quiet waters:
Many faces does the river possess,
On its way to the ocean’s deep.
Foolish are the lovers
Who see only the body before them,
Enticed and spellbound,
Like rabbits in the road staring at on-coming headlights.
Because after time passes,
And wrinkles begin to draw their pretty lines,
Only a security of familiarity remains,
As secure and safe as a floating bubble.
But the wise sees the relationship
As a means to see the many faces of the one Self;
To allow all the ghosts within release,
And the angels inside to sing.
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The wise are not content with mere passing pleasures,
Nor with the security of being with another.
Instead, the wise see it as an opportunity
To learn and unlearn,
To expand and contract,
To live and to die.
Beware of a pleasant relationship;
For the ghosts cry unheeded
And search through empty halls.
And the angels let fall their instruments
And silently watch the ghosts run by.
A relationship is two standing on a precipice
With the wind of time
Howling with gleeful madness:
Saying, “Let go and I will carry you.
“Resist and down onto the rocks you’ll fall,
And death your only gain.”
Praise the times of storms,
And praise the times of calm,
And see them both as two faces in a mirror
Of the One Who sees only Its Self.
And trust the relationship
That has at its heart
The willingness to know.
And let it take you to its goal,
As certain as the river and its own.
Rip open the heart
And steady the mind,
And sail unto a glorious journey —
Of two dissolving into One.
— Janaka Stagnaro, excerpt from Footprints Along the Shore of an Incoming Tide: Impressions of a Fellow Traveler
Over thirty years ago, I wrote this piece while giving Tarot readings at a famous metaphysical bookstore in Hollywood. I gave a lot of readings to people looking for happiness outside themselves, hoping for whatever circumstances to change. My partner, whom I referred to, became the mother of my firstborn. However, it was no easy relationship. It took me three times of being thrown out for me to throw in the towel, a painful decision since we had a three-year-old boy. As of a week ago he is now a proud father and I a grandpa. While our relationship was full of pain, I grew a lot with the counseling we did together. While counseling didn’t save our relationship, it prepared me for one’s to follow.
I got married not too long after, and after seven years, we divorced amicably—so much so that she became the godmother of my second son and good friends with my current wife of 20 years. Because both my wife and I have done a lot of inner work and are each going through challenging relationships, we have very few rough times together. It takes two to tangle—if one can hold to the center while the other forgets, then the storms pass over quickly.
In Hindu spirituality, King Janaka is considered the ideal householder. I took that name because I was to be a father. He is considered such because he had many wives but was unattached to their behavior. He was chill with them. Knowing the Self, being in the Center of one’s being, allowed him to watch his kingdom and his wives go through the inevitable changes without grasping.
I have learned not to sweat the small stuff, which is most things, and to say yes most of the time. As A Course in Miracles advised, it is better to be happy than to be right.
No one can fulfill me, and I can fulfill no one. My wife is not my savior, nor am I hers. We find happiness from within and share it with each other.
Thank you for reading, friend. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.
And thank you to the loving partners of Alethiology for making a home for this work.
