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I Am My Father’s Daughter
A Poem By Rae Calkins
It brings me joy and pride to say
I am my father’s daughter.
I have his smile
His loyal nature
His kind and gentle heart
And it makes me glad to know
That I am more like him
And less like her.
Even in my relationship with my partner
I have found I love like my father loved.
He was like a golden retriever
Loyal, kind, eager to please, loving
I am the same way
And that makes me glad.
When I was a child
I often prayed that I would not become her
That I would not inherit her sharp teeth
Her anger and disdain for those around her
I prayed that those I love
Would never know the fear
Of shrinking before my snarling growls
Would never flinch expecting me to bite.
I was born from a german shepard and a golden retriever
I was born from darkness and light
And so I am a mixture of both.
I have both natures in me
But it is up to me which one I feed
And I have chosen to feed the golden retriever
I have chosen the gentleness and the kindness in me
And I will continue to choose it.
But the suffering did not make me soft
My softness, my gentleness, survived the suffering.
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For the longest time
All I could see in me was my mother
My golden fur soaked in the blood of my wounds
Cornered in a cage
I snarled and snapped and clawed.
But I did not stay there
I learned to trust and love again
I learned to run freely
I learned my worth.
I gained a new understanding
And a new empathy for my mother
She too was a wounded creature
She too snarled and clawed
And I can imagine how she must have felt.
But I refused to stay that way
I refused to make the same choices she did
No small child of mine will ever cower before me
If I ever do have children
They will not know the fear that I carry in my bones
They will never bear the marks of my claws or my anger.
So I cleaned my wounds so they could heal
I left the dark caverns where I was raised
And ran through the meadows
Ran as far and as long as I could
I tasted freedom
I stepped into the clear rivers
And washed myself clean.
I am a wounded creature, much like my mother
I still sometimes flinch when a loving hand reaches for me
Because I was taught to expect harm.
But unlike my mother
I did not allow my fear and my suffering to poison me
I did not become the snarling german shepard
I became the golden retriever
I am my father’s daughter.
The only things I inherited from my mother
Are the color of my eyes
And the wounds we both share.
But my blue eyes are not icy and cold
They do not carry the same fire and hatred that hers did
They have the kind nature
That I inherited from my father.
And then I met a wolf
Who taught me that I was more
Than what the suffering made me
I met a wolf who had survived hellfire,
just like me.
And I fell in love with them
With their strong heart
With their beautiful soul
And their green eyes.
And now I see that I have become
So much more than what my mother made me
The bite marks on my skin have healed
And become old scars
The bruises and internal wounds remain
But the gentleness has returned
The light that had once been snuffed out
Glows softly within me.
I am truly my father’s daughter.
