Member-only story
Colin and Me — Back Again
I only wrote this for the ‘poo abortion’ joke
I sat here now, in quite a lot of pain.
As some of you may know, I was once a reluctant landlord to a tenant known as Timmy the Tumour, up until late September 2023, when he was evicted from my arsehole.
Prior to that I went through 9 months of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, fingers up my bum, and wet, explosive sharts, all of which I described in delightful detail for all you strangers on the internet. Then, after Timmy was sent to find alternative accommodation, I went through many months of recuperative care for my new stoma, some nerve damage in my foot, and issues that I fondly remember as ‘penis trauma’.
It’s been a cunt of a couple of years.
Throughout this time, steadily, creepingly, a hernia has been growing on the site of my colostomy bag. For a while now, the left side of my belly has been bulging out as if I was pregnant with only half a baby. It was ugly, awkward, and very painful when I sneeze. Hayfever season is a bastard.
Then, one week ago, Harry the Hernia was removed. A lovely surgeon sliced me open, shoved the escaping wriggly bits back inside, and put a mesh over the whole hole.
