What I learned from my affair.

May 7, 2026

I have regrets. I deeply regret having an affair.

I was listening to a podcaster the other day, and she said people should have regrets, because regrets — remorse — is what changes behavior. So, I’ve been reframing my thinking around regrets.

I think regret fuels self-condemnation, and unless you do something constructive with that, you fall into a shame cycle that keeps you in despair. Shame paralyzes you; it keeps you from moving forward. It prevents you from taking the needed action, making the needed changes, to return to an existence that is rewarding and fulfilling. I know. I was stuck in shame for a very very long time. I nearly died of shame.

So, I think regrets are helpful if you know how to process and move beyond them. If you can turn regret into repentance and forward momentum, into a conscious effort to make more ethical and moral choices, you can overcome the self-shaming that comes with regret.

There’s a huge component of self-forgiveness in there, and I’ve found that the only way to get to that place is to persevere. It takes time. The tools are therapy therapy therapy, adopting healthy practices, taking your meds if your life depends on taking your meds (as mine does), and plain old determination and perseverance.