A PERSONAL ESSAY
Despite
I should have my shit together by now
I think backwards in my memories. I see all the choices I made that maybe I should have taken a different way. Then I work backwards through the traumatic things that have happened and think maybe if that thing hadn’t happened I would be in a different spot. The problem with this way of thinking is that I am constantly back tracking to when my life stopped being full of potential. My life in the single digits became full of potential, DESPITE.
Despite, being born in a low income home. Despite witnessing domestic violence starting at age of 3 or 4 in my family. Despite being raised by a single mother. Despite the assaults. Despite the religious trauma I grew up on. Despite the body image issues I’ve had since elementary school. Despite so many things. DESPITE.
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I don’t want the swan song. I don’t need the world’s smallest violin playing for me. I also don’t want to minimize my experiences anymore. I’ve been through some shit and my shit deserves some recognition. Not as an excuse. Because all in all, my life is pretty ok. On the surface there have been some hiccups, life lessons and trials. These are the things that everyone sees and give the illusion of me being a strong woman. There are other things though. Those things, when I truly think of them make me wonder how I survived.
I’m sitting in my home right now. My dog sleeping beside me. My eyes are literally burning from holding back tears; the result of yet another hiccup in my life. The left side tears are cinematically rolling down my cheek. I learned to be a quiet crier early on. Then when I had kids the cry sessions became scheduled. My daughter saw me cry today because I was fired. Meeting scheduled at 2:54 am for an 8:00 am meeting with the bosses. It was retaliatory; no doubt. It happened nonetheless and while we always hear the stories and read the articles of the lowly employee wining the lawsuit against their employer because of this issue specifically; it’s incredibly hard to achieve and near impossible for the newly unemployed, budget restricted ex-employee to proceed.
I have 26 years of experience in office administration. I’m good at my job. I have a good reputation. This position lasted two and a half months. Co-owners that don’t know what they don’t know. A book keeper that is likely stealing money in some way. A new Chief of Staff that may be trying to save the Titanic. A good group of employees that are trying to navigate their work with immature leadership.
I’m intellectually and financially invested in my job. I do good work and I know that my knowledge and experience is an asset. I stopped being emotionally invested in my job because I realized years ago that the job will never be emotionally fulfilling.
I know that this time in my life, this day in my life, this article in my life is just my right now. Life will continue. Changes are always hard and I will continue. Despite.
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