FURTHER INDIGNITIES OF AGING
Eyebrows, We Gotta Talk
It’s not about me. It’s you.
I’ve been putting this off for some time, but it has gotten to the point where I just can’t ignore it any longer.
And speaking of any longer, what’s the deal? After years of faithful service keeping sweat out of my eyes and communicating great surprise, you’re off on some free-spirited pursuit of God-knows-what. Have you been conspiring with my inner hippie? No, check that … different hair involved.
You don’t see eyelashes going wild, do you? They may not be quite what they once were, but they’re still hanging in there doing the best they can like they’ve always done to protect my vision.
This late in the game?
But you, Eyebrows, are on a crazy growth spurt. At our age, when everything else is slowing down. Pointless and outrageous. Is this a prompt for braiding?
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You’re usurping energy better used elsewhere. How about regenerating some knee cartilage instead of pushing out longer strands? Or doing whatever is necessary to get the pain out of arthritic hands? Or using this wasted energy to help other drooping parts defy gravity? Or grow some hair-like cilia in my inner ears so I can hear better?
Of course not. You’re too damn selfish to grow anyone but yourself.
But it’s worse than that. You’ve been spreading your treachery to other areas. Nose hairs do not need to reach my lower lip, thank you. And ears? Let’s hear what’s going on here. There is no need for an ear mane unless it is thick enough to keep the flesh warm when the cold wind blows.
Just keep the growth on top of the head where it belongs
It’s getting pretty thin up there. And if reversing head-top hair loss is not in the cards, stop this relocation activity. A long hair popping out somewhere else every time one disappears upstairs is not a policy for happiness.
Your reckless growth is yet another indignity of aging. I need no more. Having lived long and through a great deal already, I’m plenty brave enough, so I don’t need any more hair on my…well, you know.
So STOP!!!
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