Scuba Diving for Dummies
Seeking help for my inner dummihood.
Life has been a lot better with the knowledge I’ve gained from the “[fill in the blank] for Dummies” book series.
My favorites so far have been:
· Fitness for Dummies … or, building biceps to impress the ladies.
· Kittens for Dummies … where I learned that cats are on this planet to train people, not the other way around.
· Retail Business for Dummies … although I’m not sure how much I learned from this one after my retail nutrition store went belly up.
What I really could have used, though, is a book on Scuba Diving for Dummies (like me).
It would have been very useful before checking off scuba diving as the #1 item on my bucket list.
I started feeling some urgency about this item as I approached my mid-60s. My concern was whether I might be getting too old to accomplish it.
Unfortunately, once I decided to go after it, I quickly discovered that simply putting on diving gear and jumping into the ocean wouldn’t cut it. No, that wouldn’t do at all.
My hoped-for dummies book would have made that clear.
Open water diving requires a diving certificate, based on passing a course with a licensed diving trainer. Having a certificate would allow me to rent equipment from dive shops and to go on tourist dives around the world.
I had to get certified before a taste of salt water could pass my lips.
Scuba Diving Certification
PADI Open Water Diver is the most popular beginner certification level. It authorizes the holder to dive up to 60 feet.
My challenge was to get certified quickly, since I had a trip to Fiji coming up and I wanted to go diving while there. Alas, no local courses fit my schedule at that time. So what I did was to enlist a private instructor to come to my house and teach me the basics in the comfort of my own swimming pool.
‘Comfort’ did I say? Ha!
It was January in central Arizona and the water temperature in my pool was 47 degrees.
I had to wear the thickest wetsuit available, including gloves and cap. It was so thick that I walked around the pool deck like that overdressed kid in the movie, A Christmas Story, who couldn’t even bend his arms or get up by himself when he fell down.
The Wet Suit Surprise
The real shocker, though, was when I jumped into what was effectively ice water and found out that, of all things, a wet suit leaks! It’s supposed to leak. That’s why it’s called a wet suit. It allows a little water inside, which then creates a layer of insulated warmth from body heat.
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My hypothetical new Scuba Diving for Dummies book would have warned me about temporarily becoming a human popsicle. Or better yet, it would have told me that there is also something called a dry suit, which doesn’t leak at all.
By the way, have you ever had the experience of being in cold, wet weather and had a sudden urge to use the facilities? Imagine what happens when you go swimming in 47-degree water. My instructor told me not to worry about it though. He said that there are two kinds of scuba divers: those who relieve themselves in their wetsuits, and those who relieve themselves in their wetsuits and lie about it.
Open Water Training
After learning a few basic skills in my icy pool, we moved on to nearby Lake Pleasant, just north of Phoenix, for the open water portion of my training. It was much warmer there — the water was a balmy 53 degrees.
The name, ‘Lake Pleasant’, was misleading. Cold, bleak, visibility about the length of my arm. There was nothing pleasant about it.
Those lake conditions made two training tests more difficult than I anticipated.
The first test was to remove my mask while underwater, then put it back on and blow out the water by exhaling through my nose.
Imagine dunking your face in ice water. Even with my eyes closed, I thought my eyeballs and nose were going to freeze. It was almost painful.
Putting my mask back on was tough because the thick gloves made my fingers work as if they were fat sausages.
The second test was to use the compass on my wrist to swim in a straight line for about 100 feet. I could barely see my own wrist in the silty water. And following the bottom wasn’t possible since I couldn’t see that at all.
One thing I discovered is that my sense of direction isn’t so hot in icy, low-visibility water. Good thing my planned trip to Fiji wouldn’t entail either of those issues!
Ultimately I did manage to get my mask back on and to stay on a straight line for my direction swim.
Certification Approved!
Passing these and other diving tests, both in the pool and in the lake, plus a written exam on best diving practices, got my approved certification.
I am now a proud card-carrying holder of an official PADI Open Water Diver Certification.
On hindsight, I realize that I could have used some simple advice on scuba certification from a Dummies book.
Two recommendations would have been very helpful:
1. Get certified in Hawaii.
2. Do it in July.
I still managed to get certified in spite of not getting that advice ahead of time.
My certificate allowed me to rent the right equipment for my first open water dive, which I accomplished on that trip to Fiji.
Since then I’ve stuck to tropical waters, most notably in Aruba and Hawaii. Diving is so much more enjoyable without the mild hypothermia I experienced during my training.
And if “Scuba Diving for Dummies” ever hits the shelves, you’ll find me at the front of the line. Just look for the guy wearing a dry suit.
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