Pic:- Through My Lens.

My heart no longer

look forward to euphoria

Mundane activities of life and

sun-kissed balconies are

my favourite locale to hang- out

Sittings in silence and reading

a page multiple times

I speculate nothing for future

buying expensive accessories

isn’t a drug for loneliness anymore

Hugging children is therapeutic

When I want to let go some tears

Some travel plans stemming

from a deep sense of nostalgia

vanish right before holidays.

I wonder!!!!

Am I tightly gripped by grief

Or grief is my comfort zone?

Shweta.

I often try to find the reason that brings a married man and woman together. Certainly not under the same roof. I know they enjoy texting, talking, meeting or going on long drives far from the hustle-bustle of the city and come back home pretending they worked all day.

The man and woman both convince themselves with a myriad of explanations for making this choice. An Adrenaline rush and an optimum secretion of the Estrogen hormone revitalizes them.

Let me write about this from a woman’s viewpoint to ease the narration. A married guy is an emotionally unavailable man, busy playing different roles. He is a husband, might be a father, a working professional and sometimes a public figure. In this situation one of the partners often gives more whereas the other becomes a passive receiver. If He is a passive receiver than soon the woman realizes that she is dealing with a love-scheme. There is no Love.

He is someone who was looking for admiration, affirmation or may be a temporary relief from his busy ,boring routine. Nothing more than this.

She made him feel good about himself. He felt like one of the boys from old University campus. And??? That’s it. He has taken his share emotionally and sexually. He doesn’t need to spice-up his life anymore.

Now the game is over.

Are you the one who was the giver?

The care taker?

The dreamer?

Then fasten your seat belt as you have signed up for an anxious roller coaster ride. And I know you never knew what you were signing up for?

Who is Victimized in this companionship ?

The Giver. The Dreamer.

Why? Because the person who is emotionally wounded is often the one who lacks self-love. A quest for love minus thoughtfulness brings two anxious souls together. The late-night texts the halcyon days and malaise-free nights do not last longer. Soon another drama begins. The person who loses control over emotions and assumes that the companionship would last no matter what comes their way, often ends up paying for the therapy sessions.

ABC says-”I had been asking XYZ-Why doesn’t he meet me on weekends or surprise me sometimes with his visit? He never gave a genuine reply.

She adds, after two or three sexual encounters, he started ghosting her. Avoided her calls. Replied to her text with minimum syllables. She adds the beginning was so unusual. They used to text and call each other for no specific reason. It changed after the physical intimacy.

“The female was speculating all the motives behind his sudden withdrawal and then blamed herself for falling into the honey trap”.

How to deal with this situation.

#Accept the rejection wholeheartedly. Accept that you were the one who tried to make it work; when you had to walk away.

#Accept ,it was a wrong choice.

#Tell yourself that a married guy is not an eligible person to sign up for romance.

#Do not expect an apology from him. Escapists do not apologise. He knows how to turn the game and blame others. He never took responsibility for his actions.

#Do not fall into the same trap after learning a lesson. If you do so, it would be a choice not a mistake.

#Do not Victimize yourself. It won’t make it easier.

My Advice

Let him go . What’s not yours’s will never be yours’s. He was always trying to run from something or the other, that’s how he came to you. You will never be enough for him. So, relax. Do not try to win his heart or please him in any way. Honesty is still the best policy in all the relationships.

If he was kind, empathetic and a sensitive man then you wouldn’t be repenting meeting him. Most extramarital affairs commence with -” It’s a cosmic and soulful bond” and ends up with “I never knew she/he would ghost me like this”.

I am not a relationship expert. But I am an Empath. I have seen people suffering in silence and blaming themselves for not taking a right call. Sometimes not choosing to suffer for someone is the wisest choice one can make. Life is an endless series of let go.

Embrace Change and give yourself a fair chance to Love, Trust Live an authentic version of yourself.

Love

Shweta.

2608shweta@gmail.com.

When you walk away
praise yourself for carrying
one ounce of courage
you piled up essentially
to become a unique you.

I often ask myself If I am treating my soul with compassion and kindness or not? Do I love myself; when I love someone else? I am a giver. Bypassing all the symbiotic association; I choose a parasitic association.
But I survive, learn my lessons and move on swiftly.
When an incident or person disheartens me; I overthink. Knowing all explanations are all within me, I search it in someone else’s voice. Forty-two autumn transformed me into a resilient soul.
Now, that I have this prompt, functioning as a catalyst, I choose to dwell upon different traits of my personality.
What makes me a unique person? How do I reassemble, my brokenness, defeat and discontentment in life? It’s the tenacity, resilience and my poetic heart.

Shweta Upadhyay,2608shweta@gmail.com.

Thanks, Deborah Christensen for giving the prompt word “strength” or “strong” (or a derivative) or on the theme of strength.

खोजती हूँ तेरा अक्स
कभी लफ्ज़ो में
तो कभी दरवेशियों में
तू भी उन की मानिंद
किसी से छुपा बैठा है। (I look for your shadow in words and saints;you too hide like they do).

As I listen to the
soulful verses of “Ghazal “
I walk towards him
knowing his address is not known.

A shadow exists in the shayrana verses
to hustle my heart
into an ecstatic world of love and desires.

I spend the entire day, playing the same gazal
till I can scribble a name.

I walk hand in hand with an umbra in the lush green wilderness;
where he narrates his incomplete poems.

Oh! I wonder!
Does he find a similar reflection in
Shayari and ghazals?
My mind plays the same ghazal
while he completes his, incomplete poetic verses.

Shweta Upadhyay.

Create imbalance
the magic is in listening
to your inner voice.

*********************************

Shweta Upadhyay.

Thanks, Deborah Christensen for giving a prompt to write a haiku or tanka, using magic or it’s derivative.

A Haiku.

Sometimes we need closure. A 360 degree turn from the existing situation or a person that no longer allure us. It doesn’t happen because we give less to make it work or we expect emeralds and diamonds; it occurs when someone refuses to watch the moon and stars with us, on one particular night. One Denial-is the beginning of closure. The closure is the beginning of a new expedition.

Poised exit aver
hushed words and few denials-
call for the closure.

Thanks, Brett Christensen for giving a prompt to write a haiku or tanka using the prompt word “graceful” (or a derivative).

Shweta Upadhyay-2608shweta@gmail.com.

I met some kind, generous and loving souls who didn’t give up on their wish and desire of finding a soulmate. The pain and suffering from the past relationship could not dishearten them. Although they looked terrified of losing balance and opening up the heart, they didn’t say no to the next one.

My friend, Meeta mentioned that profound and harmonious connection might be a theoretical aspect for those who believe in the supremacy of peace and contentment. Romance,deep-attachment is challenging and messy.

She adds, love challenges, trigger insecurities and highlight all the gloomy corners of our soul. When we carefully look at these dark angles, we either get engulfed by self-pity or self- sabotaging, but once again; we strive for healing in another soul.

I may sound like a pessimist, but my observation says-

People having incomplete and disdainful closures in love centric relationship, often look forward to another real beginning. Presumably, they seek healing in another bond, even after acknowledging the limitations of the human mind. Now, this is a wake-up call. Another relationship doesn’t guarantee peace and compatibility; it surely serves as an escape route to bypass discomfort but who comprehends the relationship future in the commencement stage?

I learned, a woman knows exactly when a man vacant a particular corner in her heart, that miraculous moment when her heart stops racing for him. The nanosecond, when he demonstrated the first withdrawal symptom, gets registered in her memory bank. Similarly, a man can’t demolish the hour when his beloved expunged the poetic language of emotions and interrogated him with -what lies in the loop of their destiny?

There is nothing romantic about incomplete courtships; it’s a connection that does not grow stronger with time. Such relationships often trigger insecurity issues.

And the question emerges- why do Men and Women look for love, comfort and affection? (Can’t they accept, that certain happenings in life are, beyond human control)?

Yes, it’s destiny.

My First Answer to my question is- Because they want to.

Yes, embracing the uniqueness of each relationship, they find their answers. Assuming that the lesson learned about themselves, from yesteryear’s about their emotional needs and expectations from the partner, they can dive.

Do you agree with my assumption?

Yes. I am glad. In case you disagree, let me know the answer in the comment section. I would love to hear from you.

Secondly, they do not want to live with regret. The lament of not giving themselves another fair opportunity( to cherish the moments of togetherness and love); would be unfair.

What if I get a compatible partner and what if it doesn’t work, the brainstorming sessions generate millions of thoughts, arising from the first breakup to the last one. Concluding-” love is the driving force of life”.

When the Quest of being loved continues, the pain persists.

When I see my friends in this situation, I habitually ask -

Who said love is the driving force of life?

Who taught you this?

When did it work as a driving force in your life?

What if you don’t need any driving force that sucks the residues of trust and hope from life.

They don’t even listen to me, as like love, I can not give them the morphine dose of delirium. They enjoy the honeymoon period, keeping my calls on hold and replying to my texts in a few words to plunge into the newness of love. Autumn, Winters, Summer, Then it Rains. And, the romance disappears; reality surfaces up, the chemistry creates an imbalance, and the same saga of disappointment continues.

No. I am not suggesting that the woman or man should stop believing in the eternity of a relationship or must not embark on a new journey of finding a compatible partner.

I am making an effort to be someone’s voice.

Dear anonymous man or woman I hear you, it happens. It will happen. Not every relationship turns into a relationship status. Not every “I love you” is a commitment. It might be a momentary feeling that might grow stronger or fade over a while.

Flowers bloom each day. And we remember only the blooming phenomena, as it’s fresh and soul-soothing, positive and magnificent.But.What about the withering process. Yes, it’s not positive, gorgeous; that’s real. As real as blooming is.

As long as you try and fail, you would evolve, get transformed, experience awkwardness in love. But ask yourself-Does it happen authentically? True love is a mystic concept, often relative.

Should we chase or wait for this true love or start living without any quest.

What’s the purpose of living? To be happy and calm or to be in love and anxious. Both are choices. Relationship will have its phases and seasons, probability of not getting along with some would be equal to a life long honeymoon phase.

If you take it as your choice and decision to give yourself another fair chance,

Do ask yourself-Are you signing up for honeymoon membership or a lifetime!

The choice is always your’s.

Thanks,

Shweta.

Are you signing up for honeymoon membership or a lifetime? was originally published in Blue Insights on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

1. What’s something that nobody could ever steal from you?

My attitude. My learnings. No matter how hard it is, I never give up on my dreams and aspirations. Maybe, I slow down, pause or get frightened for some time, but I never stop believing in my capacity to design another map for my life when challenges overshadow. Whenever I feel life is being unfair to me( in the personal and professional domain), I gather all the available resources to find a solution. I don’t play the blame game. I live my strategies not simply plan them.

2. Who would you like to forgive right now?

Now, this is a tricky one as forgiveness to me is an involuntary action. I forgive as soon as I embark on my journey, though I carry the painful experience as a faded memory. Expecting a closure apology is an unrealistic expectation. Hence I use all my wisdom to read and assume that another party is not an epitome of honesty and authenticity !! Deceitful behaviour paves a clear path for closure.

My forgiveness journey transforms something within me, brings a change in my perspective but never weakens my ability to trust and create a compassionate bond with my friends and colleagues.

In-person, forgiving those who broke my trust and left me in the middle of no-where, (that too, when I needed someone to be with me and say- It shall pass)would be my answer to this question:-)

3. What is happiness?

Happiness, to me, is -laughter. When I am thrilled, I can laugh at myself.

Airing all the discontentment, I write love-poetry.

I drive, meet my friends and slip into a solution-driven mode.

4. What impact do you want to leave on the people you love?

I would want people to know me, as I am, not as they perceived me-before we met. I want people to know me as a woman of words and deeds.

5. What is life too short to tolerate?

Life is too short to tolerate, what bothers you 24x7. Leave it. Life is too precious to waste on some fixated emotions and principles. I often write, and say-Life is an endless series of let-go and move on. Attachment causes pain, disconnecting from loved ones is challenging. Accept the discomfort. Acknowledge it, but let the life move on the trail of time.

Eat. Love. Celebrate. Push boundaries. Widen the horizons of your comfort zones, carefully analyze your dreams; chase or walk, it’s your life.

6. What’s something that used to scare you, but doesn’t anymore?

Fear of losing balance, control over something.

Contemplating, What if? Am I capable of doing this?

Will I be able to get through this emotion?

Am I enough?

7. What do you want to remember forever?

*The lessons I learned in various walks of life.

*The people who stood beside me when I needed them most.

*My hardships.

*Loved ones.

8. What do you always look forward to?

The Sunlit days. Happy moments. And random outings in the lap of nature.

9. What do you appreciate the most about your life?

My family. Motherhood. My passion for writing and connecting with people.

10. What’s something that everyone should be able to say before they die?

I loved, laughed and helped.

11.In one sentence, who are you?

Unapologetically- An authentic version of Shweta. I am Shweta.

Thanks John Ross. You inspired me to answer a few questions:-)

Shweta Upadhyay

Images:-My camera.

Email>2608shweta@gmail.com.

Thoughts travel each day
to chase a dream of the day
resting in the night.

Shweta U.

PROMPT: Write a haiku or Tanka using the prompt word “journey” (or a derivative).Thanks Brett Christensen.

Past few years of my life have turned me into someone who disconnects from the outer world and enjoys watching an old movie or reading poetries. There, I get the space to think and rephrase the content in my language or overthink. It’s mental fatigue.But, that’s okay for someone who chooses to be brutally honest, and a self-proclaimed writer as well. Anxiety is not new to me but monitoring it under the surveillance of my wisdom is a gargantuan job.

I have discovered some ways to turn my anxious day into -I can deal with it moment.

On a lazy afternoon, I was scrolling down my Instagram posts, a few posts caught my attention but the mind refused to seek profoundness in agony or in the essence of emotion depicted in the poetic-verses.

I acknowledged-

* I was not internalizing an idea that would create a ripple or drown me into some deep-thinking exercise.

• I resisted the temptation of unfolding the complex layers of why me?

Realising my first move in that space would cause a startling numbness that would further travels down to my feet, I pay attention to the symptoms. The numbness warns to divert my route and avoid stepping into any internal-conflict zone.

Mental exhaustion directs me to alter my reading and writing mode towards Nature. The chirping of birds, the kuhu-kuhu sound of Koyal(Cuckoo), the sunrise, the sunset are not in isolation like us. They heal me. I choose such an incredible day to write in my mother-tongue.

I open my diary and read what I had written way back in the ’90s.

I begin to whirl my outlook towards life -Laughter appears holding a trophy, and all other emotions disappear at that moment. I watch Stand-up comedies.

I learned-We often under-estimate our capacity to over-come our anxiety and look forward to someone who can make us feel better without relying on our tenacity to turn an anxious moment into an “I can deal with it” moment.

I suggest myself- Offload every burden, be it residing in anyone’s heart or gaining wealth; it can not equate with mental-peace. I start giving up on every chase in life for serenity.

Choosing my thoughts, I wonder! How do birds choose a place to build a nest?

How does a woodpecker focus on drilling a tree with his beak?

Why do all the poets love Moon?

I let the moments pass, by tuning my day into a physically active mode. Listening to some soul-soothing music and sleeping on time.

Pray, chant and watch Sunrise.

Thanks

Shweta.

I can handle an anxious day. was originally published in Blue Insights on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.