If the Electoral College convenes for a second time at the Presidential Inauguration, and records an amazing flashmob that ends with all 538 of them down on one knee, singing “Did you really ever expect us to not follow the rules of this sacrosanct institution we swore to uphold and not vote for Donald Trump?,” to the tune of whatever Fetty Wap song is currently cool, Donald Trump will be warmed right down to the cockles of his heart and just hand the keys to The White House over to Joe Biden. Congrats Joe, you earned it! We just need Congress to convene the Electoral College again sometime today or tomorrow,it’s that simple. The rest will happen naturally (I’m assuming Friday morning is out). Note: In this specific loophole, Donald Trump will still receive a participation trophy.

• If Hillary Clinton finally releases her First Lady cookie recipe, and the ingredients are secretly an acrostic poem that spells out “DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY,” she will be crowned the “Yas Queen” of America.
• If Chief Justice John Roberts goes to shake Donald Trump’s hand at the Inauguration, and does that cool fake handshake where you pretend you’re gonna shake, but instead at the last minute you SWOOP past your unwitting mark’s hand and smooth out the side of your hair, Justice John Roberts will become our next President. Note that this law will only apply to Chief Justice John Roberts, not all Chief Justices, unless there is a future Chief Justice with hair even better than him.
• If every single person in America boycotts watching the inauguration, and watches Jean Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport on TBS instead, Donald Trump will hear about it right before he goes out onto the inaugural dais, and since it’s his favorite movie, rush off to find the nearest television set to watch Bloodsport instead! Also, Ted Turner, if you have read to the end of my Change.org petition, could you please just keep Bloodsport on loop on TBS for 4–8 years please, with The Shawshank Redemption on TNT as a solid back-up.
• Remember when Senator Lindsey Graham said that if Senator Ted Cruz was murdered on the Senate Floor, the murderer wouldn’t be found guilty because every Senator hates Ted Cruz so much? What if that was a law? This one doesn’t have anything to do with Donald Trump, it was just so crazy it would be cool for it to be codified into our nation’s laws forever.
• Did you know that under its constitution, Texas can secede from the Union? That’s something I’ve had several drunk people tell me, and never looked up, but it makes sense in my imagination! What if Congress “flipped the script” and made Texas secede? Then neither candidate would have 270 Electoral votes, and also the NBA finals would suddenly be 150% more international than baseball’s supposed “World Series!” Seems like a win-win! Not sure who would be President after this.
• If Lorne Michaels and the cast of Saturday Night Live put together one episode that is a fawning tribute to our President-Elect, Donald Trump will realize that he made his father, Fred Trump, unbelievably proud after all, and his spirit and bodily form will disappear into a puff of golden smoke, because the spell cast on him by the powerful necromancer Zuul will finally be broken!
• If the entire cast of The West Wing records a PSA where they say that Donald Trump should totally not be president because he is mean, and it gets its one millionth ‘like’ on YouTube at exactly the moment that Donald Trump’s hand touches The Bible at his inauguration, Martin Sheen will become president instead of Donald Trump. Note: there’s a loophole in this loophole that if it’s pretty obvious that Martin Sheen just Skyped into the PSA shoot while still in his pajamas at home, then Aaron Sorkin becomes President instead, and Mike Pence is still Vice-President. By the way, Mike Pence definitely isn’t still Vice-President in all these other loopholes.
• If Bob Dylan rushes to Stockholm to belatedly accept his Nobel Prize, and then just gives it to Donald Trump for The Art of the Deal, Donald Trump will suddenly be regarded as a liberal elite artist out of touch with the real America instead of as a down-to-earth alleged billionaire, and be immediately recalled.
• On the back of Lincoln’s head in the Lincoln Memorial, the National Parks Service has installed an emergency lever. If Sasha Obama stands on Malia Obama’s shoulders, inside of a trench coat, a simple retina scan will allow her to pull the emergency lever, which will awaken the marble statue. When the stone giant shudders awake, it will wield the Washington Monument as a fearsome broad sword and chase all injustice and inequality from our nation, while also becoming our first stone President! Marble Giant Abe Lincoln is totally into The Affordable Care Act, FYI.
• Now we just need Congress to pass all of these into loopholes into law! Easy! Remember to call your Senators and Congressperson today!

“Mrs. Clinton’s 15% chance of losing is about the same as the probability that an N.F.L. kicker misses a 37-yard field goal.” — The New York Times’ The Upshot, Nov. 8, 2016.

• Speaking of almost unmissable 37 yard field goals, remember the Buffalo Bills? They were actually the best team of the 1990s by our metrics, because losing 4 consecutive Super Bowls is actually a better measure of success than winning just one. We are sure the people of Buffalo, New York would agree with that! Also, after crunching some numbers, we are 92% sure that, if they had been able to play a fifth Superbowl, in which the point total of all five Superbowls were aggregated to determine the overall winner, they would actually win six Superbowls, they were that good! In other words, they only had a 15% chance of losing SuperBowl XXV, until they did.
• There is a 15% chance the therapy dog you are about to buy will be allergic to you.
• There is a 15% chance that if you get locked out of your apartment today, the spare key you hid underneath a random planter on a random stoop several blocks away from your home will still be underneath the planter. There is a 14% chance that the owner of the planter saw you hide it, saw you come take it, and will now follow you home and murder you inside your own bathroom. Unfortunately for your grieving family, there is a 75% chance he will be found ‘not guilty’ because the ‘Stand Your Ground’ law in your state also applies to garden planters and whiskey barrels. There is an 85% chance you went to the wrong planter.
• There is a 15% chance that you are currently experiencing any given one of Elaine Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. There is a 25% chance that you just shared RedNews50.com’s news article: “Elaine Kubler-Ross to East Coast Libtards on Trump Presidency: Get Over It!”
• There is a 15% chance of cicadas covering the sky until it is black during any given summer.
• There is a 15% chance that if you tweet a totally hilarious, yet ineffably wise tweet, and it gets retweeted a billion times (of which there is only a .000001% chance, unless John Oliver AND Lin-Manuel Miranda retweet it, then it is 100%) Donald Trump will resign before the inauguration. But, only after first appointing you to rule the electoral college like a King! Congratulations! Just make sure you don’t throw away your shot in the room where it happens!
• There is a 15% chance that your 4th grade school photo will become a fun viral meme! There’s a 60% chance that the meme will be co-opted by the alt-right, and a 100% chance that you and The Anti-Defamation League will run a cool, but wildly unsuccessful campaign to de-co-opt it!
• There is a 15% chance that even though you told your wife you definitely wouldn’t do this anymore, you left your wet towel on the bed this morning while reading Facebook and putting your underwear on at the same time. When you get home tonight it will have a sour mildew smell. There is a 50% chance that once you find the towel, you will drop it off at the laundromat, which will create an outside 20% chance you’ll remember to purchase milk after forgetting the three previous times you left the house this week. When you come home without the milk, your wife will be asleep. There’s a 5% chance you will go out and get some milk before she awakes the next morning and cries into her dry cereal, but there’s also a 95% chance you’ll stay up for 7 hours watching “Glengarry Glen Ross,” “The Wolf of Wall Street,” and “Escape from New York” back to back to back.
• There’s a 15% chance that if lightning does strike twice, it will hit your haystack and burn down your barn.
• There is a 15% chance that Nate Silver is staring aimlessly into a dark sky right now. Then, all of the sudden, a foul ball hit during the amazing World Series between the Cubs and the Indians that had improbably entered Earth’s orbit falls out of nowhere right into his baseball glove! What an amazing souvenir, you deserve it Nate! Go Cubs, Fly the “W!”
• There is a 15% chance that your aunt voted for Hillary Clinton, but there is a 100% chance that her cranberry sauce will be on fleek this Christmas Eve!
• There is a 15% chance that in the week after the election you bought so many toys for children who aren’t yours, books written by Congressman John Lewis, and various baubles and trinkets, that Chase Fraud Protection has called you more than 3 times. There is a 20% chance that when Chase Fraud Protection sees how many donations you are making to Planned Parenthood in Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence’s name, the ghost of J.P. Morgan will shimmer into existence in Mike Pence’s office to tell him, and then J.P. Morgan’s ghost and Mike Pence will hold hands and get down on their knees and pray for you, because they hate the sin, but love the sinner.
• There is a 15% chance that The New York Times’ The Upshot will be rebranding in the weeks to come. Look out for our great, new, eye-catching design!

The New York Times’ The Upshot’s List of Other Things that Have a 15% Chance of Happening was originally published in Bullshit.IST on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.