The festival is Shab-e-Barat. Country is Pakistan. Year 2011.

They banned crackers citing it’s an ugly new innovation to have crept into the observance of a religious festival, an impurity which needs to be weeded out as it is not part of the religion. Sounds familiar?

However, In India the reasons cited for the #crackerban were different & well-intentioned. Nobody will complain if the air they breathe is less poisonous. But if that is your only solution this season, it’s like hoping Earth hour will reduce Global warming. Especially, when a court makes it criminal to switch on the lights during the Earth hour. It’s bound to create such a gag-reflex among people -charged with religious fervour- that it’ll undo any good while it was enforced.

Because what do people do, when you prohibit them from jumping off the stairs? Yes, they jump off the roof.

Every year the people of Delhi-NCR turn into Guinea pigs for the civil authorities to test new stuff on with no empirical evidence. Odd-even last year, which evidently didn’t work. So this year, we have been subjected to a new experiment, a #CrackerBan. Meanwhile, Farmers in Punjab have already started burning acres of crops sans any cost-effective alternative. No science or technology has helped them. The air in Delhi is already arid. So hoping to bring down AQI levels without solving the chief problem, is like prohibiting people to fart during a storm in a hope to minimise damage. At least it’s the step in the right direction, right?

In India, the only two avenues where people explicitly display how much black money they have accumulated are Weddings & Crackers. 15 years ago, when I used to negotiate with my father for some CAGR growth in the money allotted for crackers, citing reasons like inflation & predatory taxation, the neighbourhood kid, whose dad was a babu would bring a Tata-Ace full of crackers. It was a penis size competition, “Kitne ke pataakhe laaya iss baar” they would ask. Sigh.

And as a result of this neighbourhood arms race, the biggest victims were the dogs. Sometimes I think, if only dogs could talk, they would have been on every NDTV panel around Diwali. Dogs would make heartrending documentaries on their own plight, upload on Vimeo and win a few Oscars. But they can’t. No means to tell their sorry tail, I mean tale. I am assuming in a parallel world, dogs would be tying crackers to the vestigial tailbone of humans, and cackling with joy as the human ran around for his dear life. But we don’t know any of that.

What we do know, is that Crackers are a nuisance, but will banning them make the Delhi air breathable? I don’t know.

PS: On a different note, before I sign off, please suggest some crackers which men DON’T invoke to describe girls in India. Pataakha, Fuljhadi, Bomb, the list goes on.

..and also some iPhones. And why not. This auditorium sits on giant ball bearings, so that even if the Earth moves beneath during a massive earthquake, the theatre is still in place. Moreover, Every leather seat in that auditorium is worth $14,000, but more on that later.

Moving on to less interesting things, Tim Cook, unveiled two iPhones that night, iPhone 8 and the iPhone X. While iPhone 8, the Vinod Kambli of iPhones, was launched just 10 mins ago, the thunder was stolen by the X — the Aadhar phone. A phone which unlocks itself after a biometric verification of your face. it’s like you come back home late night, your sleepy mother squints into the door peephole, verifies your face and then only unlocks the main door.

Easy.

Only difference being — it won’t scream at you for the next 2 hours rattling off everything that’s wrong with your life & career.

But this FaceID is an old concept. India has this verification in place since a long time, Look at highway toll booths, if you are the son of an MLA you just have to lower your Fortuner window, the toll guy verifies your face instantly & you are through. Seamless. But if due to a ‘technical reason’ the verification fails, the Bahubali son has the unwritten right to fix the tollbooth bug manually.

Same goes for payments, A seedy guy sucking on a match-stick from the corner of his mouth, walks into your shop, you verify his face, and immediately hand him a bundle of notes, as you fear if you don’t comply, he might un-install your shop. Happening since decades.

Another example of its prevalent use in the past. Mr Amitabh Bachchan, here, trying to unlock his phone in the 70s.

Imagine the plight of Burqa wearing ladies, for them unlocking your phone & making a simple phone-call is tougher than having noodles now. Who would have thought. Clearly, iPhone X is a tool of patriarchy. Every make-up session, every beauty treatment will be frequently interrupted to check if the phone is still unlocking. Teachers would threaten their students “I will slap you so hard, you won’t be able to unlock your phone for a week”

Husbands will find they have been divorced, right after they wake up after a good sleep.

Arbaaz khan will be able to unlock Federer’s phone, Harman Baweja might open Hrithik’s iPhone (& leak his emails to Kangana), & Kamaal R Khan will patiently wait for a Baboon to buy the new iPhoneX.

Also, reportedly the iPhoneX’s exterior is all glass, When the iPhone case makers heard this they felt like PayTM after Demonetisation. Jackpot. No matter what gorilla semen you mix with the phone glass, it doesn’t survive. It shatters. And the glass screen chips away bit by bit, giving ample time for your colleagues to screw your happiness “Oh! This one you bought last month only no?! Tch tch”

Should you buy it?

The price for the base model iPhoneX in India is going to be 89000/-. All those rich people, whose big-screen exclusivity was being challenged by Chinese smartphones selling at the price of an iPhone charger, will be happy to go back to their old club. There is no better evidence-of-old-wealth than an iPhoneX now, unless you are BigB with such a chiseled face that can even unlock a Landline. Ciao

A particular group is discriminated against for ages, a leader emerges amongst them, builds clout, starts controlling a vote bank, accumulates great personal wealth, grabs land. People continue to get discriminated, but the same people derive tremendous comfort in seeing one-of-them get prominence among the upper strata of the society. This is a template career path for a lot of Babas & Political leaders in India. Any accusation against them, is brushed aside by their supporters as “Dushmano ki Saajish”

But today, we are talking abt a Cinematographer who holds the World record for the most number of simultaneous coin tosses - Baba Ram Rahim Singh ji Insaan, A name which sounds like 5 random people you’d meet at a Tea stall in Bhopal discussing demonetisation.

Baba Ram Rahim, a religious guru with a claimed following of 60 million users (for reference: Hike messenger has 100 million), took control of the Dera Saccha Sauda at the young age of 23, built a business empire out of it, made movies, sang songs, launched masalas, blood donation camps, swayed Elections issued maafis etc. in the span of subsequent 27 years. Simple man, wears trousers dyed in Peacock vomit & talks like one of the characters from Alif Laila, yet controls a major vote bank, which all political parties have tried tapping into. He does bike stunts, has adopted daughters and is an honorary Lannister.

His revenue model is simple, Auction a basket of vegetables. Yes! For instance once a follower bought a basket of cauliflowers for close to a crore. All the earnings were tax free. Your CGST & SGST can go have idlis. Such is baba’s clout that Inside his fortress like Aashram, he could do anything, and nobody had the balls to question him, quite literally. (thanks to the castrations) The followers also known as “Premis” would often wake up with their manhood surgically removed.

So naturally, when the Baba was convicted by the CBI court, Baba’s unsullied soldiers were up in arms, burning anything with wheels especially with a dish antenna on top. The police watched like pedestrians peering into TV showrooms during an India Cricket match. No control. All the promises of Law & Order were doused with petrol and burnt in the open. Journalists kept screaming, Anchors shouted hoarse from the same studio, in which they requested once: “Please baba, apni film ka ek gaana sunaaiye na!”.

I was in Gurgaon that day, at work, refreshing my emails every 6 seconds for a memo from the Human resource department to vacate the office premises. While looking at colleagues with an exasperated “Does this company NOT care abt the physical well being of its employees?? Geez” face. Office goers are unique, they want just enough disturbance in the city to scare the HR to send them home, so that they can make beer plans afterwards. Unique balance. Somehow I managed to reach home, surviving the real terrorists - Autowalas who overtake from left. Rascals. Anyhoo, when I switched on the TV I found out that about 30+ baba supporters died in the violence, while defending a rapist. Pause & reflect.

It’s always amusing when public figures try to exonerate themselves from grave crimes by doing social service, they invoke "Humanity"

“Being Human”

“Ram Rahim Singh Insaan”

“The real estate prices are dropping, All the corrupt rascals are shivering, Lakhs of crores of Black money is going to come out, Economy is set to boom” he went on, as ecstatic as a North Korean news reader. I listened patiently. Throughout his career, he only had his righteousness to cling on to, while his colleagues were buying 2BHK flats like groceries. This was his moment of redemption. This was the time he would tell my mother “See, I told ya”. It’s Karma. Heh.

My father stood in ATM queues for many hours in that month, many occasions while he was not in the pink of his health, yet he was full of optimism. For the greater good, he said.

“If I am enduring pain now, the results must be great later” it’s the classic Dettol phenomenon. If it hurts, it must be effective. Also, “If I’m pained, a corrupt person is even more pained” and so he derived solace in that delta difference. His deductions are simplistic and his source of information is WhatsApp & Zee News. Equally credible. But he has a vote. And probably all of this exercise was just to extract just that, not the 500/1000 notes, but his vote.

*Fast forward 9 months*

RBI reports 99% of the cash in circulation came back. And as if on cue, the GDP growth rate slipped to its 3 year low. 5.7%.

So basically all those salaried class relatives, whose kids used to shame us with their Hot wheels collection, tore up their mattresses, and poured the contents equally into 67 Jan-Dhan accounts, while my father voted for BJP in the UP elections, with probably his PPF account passbook in hand. Karma they say.

Economy hasn’t boomed, Black money has long been exchanged for Greater Noida flats, My father is about to retire. Any hopes of an service extension has been quashed by the double blow of GST & Demonetisation to his industry. Now he has all the time to watch his favourite anchors scream & expose the lies of liberal media. He will vote again. But now he knows, it wasn’t Dettol.

Monsoons are here. The season, which a significant number of North Indian teenagers, untouched by the vagaries of gainful employment & office commutes, describe as “SAXXY”. Fair enough. As a matter of fact, your opinion abt rains depends on where you are. Whether you are stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with a full bladder or Sipping coffee sitting by your foggy window, finger drawing hearts, name of your 1st boyfriend or the Prime minister.

For those of us, who have to venture out everyday, need Umbrellas.

The Umbrella, like most things, originated in the East but was quickly claimed by the Englishmen as a unique British thing, like Tea or Koh-i-noor. Nobody was surprised. And soon enough the right Umbrella etiquette was laid out. Though most of it is common knowledge & an agreed practice among Indians (like not peeing or spitting in public), a timely reminder won’t harm anyone..

1. Real estate theory — Your umbrella size should be proportionate to your physical build. If I see a relatively short person carrying a large umbrella, it feels like he’s gonna pitch it on the sidewalk any moment and start selling Pirated DVDs or SIM cards. Hence, don’t occupy more real estate than needed, unless you are a famous son-in-law.
2. Hema Malini Complex — Before they invented the Fidget spinner, people used to rest their umbrella on their shoulder and sub-consciously spin it. Please don’t. You are not Hema Malini.
3. Gandalf Rule — Unless you are a KGB assassin, you don’t want to hurt anyone with your umbrella. So when approaching someone shorter than you, please raise your umbrella for them to pass.
4. Potential energy — I know the joy of pressing a button on the umbrella’s hilt to launch it in action. Thanks to Mechanical engineering, we don’t need to charge it. Imagine its raining and your umbrella has low battery. However, this convenience doesn’t warrant us to launch it with people around in a covered area. Always do it in the open. Be considerate.
5. Rule 194* — When it isn’t raining, and you have a umbrella in hand, the natural urge for any Indian guy is to play a high elbow cover-drive, aspiring to be an overseas-batting-consultant. (Clearly such skills aren’t enough) But it’s advised to always keep the pointy edge of the umbrella, facing the ground.

When you have reached your destination, always close the umbrella before entering, as against keeping it open to dry in the lobby, just like how Group-housing society housewives hang male undergarments in their balcony. You can do better.

And most importantly. Don’t steal. During rains, an Umbrella is like currency, gets lost, exchanges hands from the absent minded to the lucky. Mostly, because we follow this Temple-steps rule which is — If you walk down the temple steps and don’t find your own slippers, you walk away with someone else’. Pretty convenient.

Long story short, Don’t steal my Umbrella.

Have a great Monsoons.

In the 70s though, the Chinese population was 1.5x of India’s. The fertility rates were comparable, So how did India catch up this fast despite poorer life expectancy and Infant mortality rate? Here’s how:-

So in the year 1979, a Chinese Missile scientist named Song Jian visited Europe, read some books, consulted a few mathematicians and came to this conclusion that China’s population should be pruned to 700 million by 2080. China’s population then - 940 million. So a reduction of 240 million in just 100 years, not accounting for future calamities like Plague, World War-III or Dhinchak Pooja.

And that’s how the One Child Policy came into being. It was like designing a reverse binary tree. The only way you could have two kids - Either you have twins or your first child is a girl. No wonder they flocked to the theatres to watch the story of a Indian man having three daughters. And then there was this infamous 4-2-1 phenomenon, where eventually 1 kid had to take care of 4 aged grand parents and 2 ageing parents, with no free healthcare and the life expectancy in the 70s.

Imagine!

The policy was phased out in 2015 though, to be replaced by a two child policy in China, and a two hoarding policy in India (two Chinese phone hoardings per Indian citizen) Ahem, but more on that later.

India realised the gravity of this issue a bit earlier than China, when Indira Gandhi’s younger son, Sanjay Gandhi ran a compulsory sterilisation Nasbandi drive during Emergency days. In just one year 6.2 million people were sterilised (15 times more than what Nazis did), scant evidence of it being effective as we have added exactly 100x that number - 620 million since then.

We have always shied away from contraception or for that matter sex education, I remember as a kid, In the days of Dial-up internet & BPL Color TVs, some relatives were over at our place. Dinner was had, and as there was no WhatsApp during those days, the family converged for a round of Antakshari. No sweat. Suddenly our team had to sing a song which began with the letter “B” and I, a kid of 8 years, almost subconsciously started yelling:

“Bol Sakhi Bol tera Raaz kya hai
Bol Sakhi Bol tera Raaz kya hai
Kya hai Teri Khushi ka raaz
Tu bata de mujhko aaaaj”

“MALA-D Goliyaan, MALA-D hai mera raaz,
Baccho me antar ke liye,
Jeewan me Khushi ke liye
Tum bhi apna lo aaj

MALA D, MALA D

D SE GAAO, MALA D-D-D se end hua hai”

The elders were stunned, they silently agreed to let this pass. Nobody told me what it was, sex education be damned. So I kept thinking for the next 4 years that this was a low budget TV ad of that chocolaty candy - Melody, which for some reason rural housewives have found a liking to.

It wasn’t my fault their husbands hated condoms.

Fortunately times have changed, Govt Ad dollars are spent on educating people to defecate under a roof OR pay taxes OR both. Population has got a new name now, Human capital it is (read TCS engineers). Fertility is dropping, Life expectancy is up & Hum do Humaare Nau, is limited to a Bihari political family.

PS: Acc to the previous UN estimation, India was supposed to cross Chinese population by 2022, now we have pushed it to 2024. Congrats :)

Happy Population day.

Finally managed to catch #SachinABillionDreams on the Big screen, Honestly speaking, I wasn’t too gung-ho about another (careful) re-telling of Sachin’s career, It’s like watching your wedding video, the footage is a bit grainy, you know exactly what happened in great detail, it’s stage managed to make everyone look happy (and teary eyed later), the errant Mausaji from Kanpur who was drunk & mouthing obscenities, has been edited out, but still there are enough moments which make you smile.

It’s not a movie about Sachin, It’s about YOU. As this takes you through the years, you remember vividly where exactly you were:

-When a lanky Bengaluru huduga uprooted Aamir Sohail’s off stump and told him to fuck off
-When Sachin shouted at VVS Laxman for refusing a quick single post a desert storm
-When the scoreboard read 120/8 and Kambli cried
-When Dhoni hit THAT!

Every such event is like a bookmark from your own life. So in a way it’s like watching your own biography.

The director, James Erskine has done a lot of sports documentaries — Racing, Badminton, Soccer but never Cricket.

The ignorance shows.

While even a third rate movie like ‘Awwal Number’ could bring the tension of the last few overs to your theater seat, James fails in recreating the Cricketing drama. Even the 2011 finals is thanda. Similarly, no time is spent in showing what cricketing shots, what cricketing acumen separated Sachin from other great batsmen. It’s just about milestones & more milestones to establish his greatness. What about that exquisite back-foot punch? Nope.

So what’s new?

In a scene, Sachin says “After marrying Anjali we reached a point, where I told her, One of us has to give up their career” (Such, euphemism) Next shot, Anjali says firmly “I had to give up my career, despite having an MD in Pediatrics” Ah, well.

This movie does give a peek into the personal life of Sachin. Besides being the best batsman in the world, how good he is- as a husband, as a father, as a younger brother.

He comes across as an ordinary guy, like you and me. Introverted, Humble, Conflict avoiding, Patriarchal, Deeply thankful to his parents, Religious, A Marathi mulga, who talks to his kids in Marathi and expresses a carefully rehearsed shock at Match fixing brewing in his own dressing room. Looked away all this while, but now lowers his car window to admonish a biker for not wearing a helmet.

Nothing gravely wrong. (Adverbs help Superheroes) He kept silent then.

Did he have all the details or evidence to run to court (or media)? I don’t know.

Could he have done more? May be.

Benefit of whatever doubt we have, should go to that 16 yr old who hit Abdul Qadir for 4 sixes in an over.

The movie also dishes out some super cute footage of him playing with Sara & Arjun though & Kambli is that obscene Mausaji from Kanpur, who’s been edited out. Except for a few moments, like the time he was wearing a Fuschia suit to Sachin’s wedding in 1995.

There is footage of a 33 year old Azharuddin, who’s staring at Sachin with an spiteful awe, while he(Sachin) is signing Autographs for fans. Azhar had just lost his captaincy to a 23 year old. Very powerful.

Should you watch the movie?

Simple, If you had a lump in your throat while Sachin delivered his farewell speech on 16th Nov 2013 at Wankhede, you will love this. Else you can skip. (I wept)

India has two National Anthems. One is “Jana Gana Mana..” and the other one has just 2 words

“SACHINN….SACHINN”

*bisleri bottles banged thrice*