“ At times letting go for a good reason does more good than holding tight for no reason. “

I read this on Goodreads. Such sound words, aren’t they?

This wisdom arrived late in my life. Probably years after I had my most intense breakup.

So, have I mastered this wisdom now?

I am not sure yet. Because for me, it’s no big deal of advice — It’s overused, over popular, and nothing novel about it. Good for temporary mind-shift from the pain of heartbreak, but not something for long-term relief.

If not that, then what’s the big deal? You might ask.

The big deal is, to know ‘when’ to let it go, and ‘when’ to keep a hold. That’s something rarely anyone tells us. And that’s also something my second serious heartbreak taught me.

Everything started on a great note — with noble intentions to make things work, genuine affection to keep things moving, and an intact hope to create a long-lasting bond.

But once the initial glitter years of the relationships passed by, real problems started to surface. In no time intentions turned cruel, affection turned into suffocation, and all the hopes turned unrealistic. Surely not something we expected. Yet, we were made to face it all.

I became clueless if my relationship was working for me, or if it was working against me. In my desperation of keeping a tag of relationship I almost forgot to keep a track of the deteriorating quality of my relationship. I was afraid to be left alone. I feared heart-breaks. And moreover, she looked great too. Probably another reason for not wanting a breakup(I doubted my skills to find another one like her)

I lacked the courage to make a decision. Because calling it quits too early could abstain from the possibility of “ what could have been” if I had held it a little longer. And holding it for too long could often lead to the regret of “ what could have been “ if I had let it go a little earlier.

And while I was to-n-fro’ing between ‘should I’ or ‘shouldn’t I”, she surprisingly took the charge and called it off. She gathered the courage to make the right choice. She was brave.

It came late to me that not every relationship turns out as expected, not every love story gets to see the dawns, not every time our choices are sane. Yet I kept dragging my punctured relationship; sometimes in the hope of steering them back on track(which I knew wasn’t the possibility), and sometimes to avoid being on the ‘ villainous ‘ side by calling quits(safe-play).

We both continued to suffocate into emptiness, also pushed ourselves harder to force affection and continued to breathe in life in an almost dead relationship. Yet, nothing could save that breakup from happening.

She wasn’t a bad person, neither was I. We just invested too much of time and energy into a mismatched relationship.

She understood that the right decision at the right time matters more than the right decision at the wrong time.

The fact is — that ‘timing’ becomes a major subject of consideration when it comes to the relationship with the person we share an emotional connect with — especially when things are different than expectations.

Let me ask you, why are you afraid to take the right decision? Why it’s okay for you to be with the wrong person, but not okay to take a bold step towards finding the right one? In my case, It was issues of poor self-image and low self-esteem.

What’s your reason?

Don’t you think that adoring just a label of ‘relationship’ is plain stupidity, even after knowing that you both are a mismatch or stuck in a toxic relationship? Actually, it is. I realize that now.

But how to figure out that your relationship has turned south? How to conclude that it’s a dead-end? How to realize that it’s time to get over it? How to be aware of the right, and wrong?

Well, to make it a little simpler, here are the signs to look for when you have tough decisions to make and bold steps to take.

It’s time for a breakup — Here are the signs

Before you get into action mode, do consider a few things. First of all, it’s your relationship. Nobody knows it better but just you. Not every below-mentioned sign may apply to your situation and not every sign is pointed towards you. Its sole purpose is to help you to audit your relationship, and to take further steps accordingly.

1. More fights, fewer talks

Light arguments, occasional heat-ups, and little stress are common in any relationship. But when these pity issues turn into major ones, and also, if you find yourself and your partner fighting mercilessly for even the silliest reasons, then indeed it’s time you both need to talk.

In a healthy relationship, people are always eager to sort out things, no matter big or small, because they owe to their relationship and to each other. But if your relationship has reached a level when sorting out things with calmness doesn’t make sense, and if your ego has grown so much that you find it hard to initiate peace, then, it’s your first sign.

When ego overshadows all the mutual love, it gets tough for any relationship to survive. Stress starts to pile up, making even tougher for both the partner to create a harmonious relationship. Erected spines never create lifelong relationships.

2. Abusive relationship

If you are in a mentally, physically and emotionally abusive relationship and you continually suffer ill doings of your partner, then you shouldn’t continue with that relationship. Because for any relationship to survive, mutual respect towards each other is inevitable. And there is a certain limit that both of the partners need to take care of.

Nobody is entitled to cause abuse of any kind to anyone. If you are in a relationship where you suffer daily harassments, light arguments have turned into physical violence — and if you have to compromise with your self-respect just because you are too afraid to confront your partner for their wrongdoings, then please don’t stay quiet.

There’s no future to these relationships and there’s no good reason you should take shit from anyone. Not even from the ones you believe you ‘love’. Don’t try to whitewash their acts with your silly reasoning. If they are abusive, and if there never go a day when they don’t harass you, then it’s time to take action.

You are better alone than to be with someone who doesn’t treat you humanly.

3. Never on the same page

Having different choices and interests is too small for a reason to call it quits. Of course, having different opinions for choices of preferable cuisines, or sharing different political, sociological, or even religious beliefs is no big deal. Even love for different marvel superheroes is exempted from it. No one would encourage you to call for a breakup for these petty issues.

However, if those opinions and viewpoints have turned intense which is making it hard for both of you to be on the same page. Also, If both of your life goals, vision, expectations are out of mutual alignment, and you rarely agree on the same thing, then it’s impossible to sustain in that relationship for long.

For any relationship to thrive it’s necessary for people to look in the same directions and to be on the same page. They have to be open-minded to accept each other’s viewpoints. But, if in your case you rather prefer to stay rigid to your opinions and expect from your partner to understand it whatsoever, then there’s no chance you could do that forever.

It’s like stretching a rubber band; you can never keep it stretched for long. Once you leave it, it shall be back to its original shape. Likewise, you can’t change people for eternity by expecting them to walk with you in the direction of your choice, it’s foolish.

Pulling each other in different directions is wastage of both time and energy. Rather cut the wire loose. And walk away.

4. Guilty of cheating

There’s no excuse for cheating. There can’t be enough reasons to justify it or to whitewash it. Wouldn’t you agree that it’s easy to heal a broken heart than to heal a broken trust? Am sure you do.

If you caught your partner red-handed, or if you are certain that your partner is cheating on you, there’s nothing left to save in that relationship after this breach of trust.

Why you should suffer this pain of distrust? Just because you think you won’t be able to find another one like your partner? Or, because you don’t find yourself worthy and suitable? Whatever it is. It’s bullshit.

Just ask yourself; would your partner forgive you if you had done the same?

I know it’s hard to walk away from someone you are emotionally attached to. It’s painful to quit on a relationship you nurtured with your time, love, and energy.

But, ask yourself, would you really be able to forgive your partner for his acts? Would it really be possible for you to get past his cheating? Would it be possible for you to turn the blind and act as nothing happened? Would it be possible for you to trust him/her and love exactly the same way?

Look for the honest answers to these questions, and you will know what should be the right thing to do.

5. Lost the spark

As much as a relationship requires love to grow, an “expression” of love holds equal importance too. Little-Sweet things done out of care, love, and compassion often makes a big difference to any relationship. We, humans, survive on compassion and belongingness, especially when it comes to the person we are emotionally attached to.

But, if your relationship has reached to a point where these things have lost their importance and you can’t remember when’s the last time your partner uttered those three golden words to you, if you can’t recall when you felt the warmth between you two, if almost everything has turned dull and plain with time, and if you feel it’s too late to bring back the spark, then it’s time to let loose and move on.

6. Reliving past(Sadly, that was my case)

Getting over the past is a tough job. Parting ways physically is not the hard part, letting it go mentally is what takes ages sometimes. Everyone has their own fair share of heart-breaks and have spent a huge chunk of time to get over it. Some of us are still stuck between a war of heart and mind.

If you are in a relationship where either of you has refused to let go of the past, and instead of focusing on the present relationship, the past memories hijack the attention, then it might get tough for both of you to bond well to nurture this relationship.

In many cases, people get into rebounding relationships hoping to get past their previous relationship. Their new relationship is just a way to escape the memories of the old ones. They put their hope and burden on their new partner to help them get over their old relationship, which makes it a tough job for their partner to fill those gaps of past.

These types of relationships rarely get to see the dawns, but rather end even before the dusks.

7. Forced emotions

Do you struggle even in uttering “I love you” to your partner?

Do you find calling and texting to your partner a hectic job?

Has your relationship become more of a duty than being an inseparable part of your life?

If you answer to above question fall under “Yes”, then you both need to talk.

In a relationship where love speaks for itself, emotions flow naturally. You don’t have to wake up each day to force yourself to express your love to your partner. It also doesn’t mean to utter I love you tons of time every single hour. What matters is the acknowledgment of it. You feel a certain level of warmth and care towards your partner naturally, you don’t need to force yourself to feel it.

You may act ‘in love’ in front of your partner because you don’t want to be the one hurting him/her. “ They are nice people, they are in love with you and hurting them would be a sin,” you might think. But, for how long you can fake it? Can you do it for your whole life? I fear so. Filling the gaps between “the acting of love” and “in love” is impossible.

8. High on stress

Happy relationships are the source of happiness and positivity. Because It’s good to be around a person who brings out the best in us, with whom we feel a sense of wholeness. It’s a blessing to be in a place where everything starts to make sense, where we feel special about ourselves, where all the worries start to melt.

Exactly that’s why we endure a relationship — to have a companion with whom we can ride the tides of life and explore everything that it has to offer.

Whereas, if you are in a stressful and negative relationship, then maybe you are not in the right relationship. Also, if your relationship doesn’t relate anywhere with the definition of a happy relationship, it’s wise to part ways at times.

Being around with a person who is constantly negative, with someone who adds more stress to your life than negating it, it’s better to change the paths for good.

If in your relationship, rather than creating happiness together, you are constantly struggling to even get a little smile on your face, maybe you are unlocking the wrong lock with the right key. Or, right lock with the wrong key.

9. Distance makes you happier than closeness

Do you know what’s the best part of a relationship? To have someone so close to us, someone loving and caring, that imagining even a few hours away from them seems hollow.

If you adore this closeness, and you just can’t wait to finish your day and rush home to meet your partner and hug them, then you are one lucky dog. Watching Netflix together, going for dinner dates, walking hands in hands on the beach while gazing the night sky, is something most of us crave to experience with our partner. It becomes so hard to imagine even a single moment without having them on our side. Closeness, that’s all we want.

However, there are also relationships that fall distances apart. They often start with a good intention and an exciting note but turn boring as the times passes. Tensions start to build around the relationship, doubts and questions take the majority of the mind-peace and time and then comes a time when closeness loses its meaning.

Some people find joy when they are not around their partner. The distance makes more sense than closeness. They turn blank and find it hard to even initiate a conversation with their partner. They fall out of words and expressions and have to fake around their partner just because they are too sweet to speak the truth.

10. Constant attraction towards other people

We, the humans, are hormonally wired to appreciate the beauties around us. It’s completely fine if you catch yourself going gaga over the hot looks, cute guys, pretty girls, even when you are in a relationship. And it’s not a crime either, mild attractions are harmless.

However, this becomes a big issue when you find yourself constantly attracted to other people but your partner. It becomes a point of consideration when you lose your focus and interest in your partner and are always drooling for others. Some people have to forcefully remind themselves that they are in a relationship and they can’t entertain attractions and infatuations outside their relationship.

A good amount of mutual attraction is required for any couple to keep them glued with each other. A genuine romantic quotient does matter in a relationship. Love indeed serves as the basis of creating a balanced long term relationship, but for even love to happen, a certain attraction towards each other is essential too.

Some of you might refuse it, but tell me when you find yourself proposing a person you were least attracted too?

11. Honesty is an alien concept

Every relationship, even the non-romantic one, needs transparency and honesty to survive. No relationship can be built on piles on lies where two people are always lying to each other as per their comfort and intentions.

Certainly, there are things that demand some level of maturity and understanding from our partner before we choose to share everything with them. I don’t feel that hiding a few things from our partners is a crime. Everybody has secrets that we restrain from disclosing to the world unless we trust someone completely.

But, there are few people who are voluntarily dishonest towards their partner. They lie about each and everything, and never let their real self disclose to anybody.

Relationships based on lies and dishonesty turn rotten with time. If you are with a manipulative person who lies even for the tiny issues, then I don’t think that’s a sign of a last-long relationship.

It’s hard to trust people who rarely reveal their real side. And, if trusting your partner is something you find hard, then confront them and let them know what you think about them and this relationship.

So, should you break up or stay together?

At times, we end up making decisions that we regret later on; sometimes out of rush, sometimes out of misunderstandings, sometimes out of wrong judgments, and sometimes by mistakes. As I said these are merely general signs, not a complete picture.

The only person who knows about the quality of your relationship is just you, and I don’t encourage you to give up on it without giving it a thought. If you believe that there are still chances that your relationship can be saved, and if you are sure you are with the right person, then I encourage you to talk about it with your partner and sort things out.

But if you believe it’s too late now to fix things and there’s no way you can continue with this relationship, then don’t be afraid to make the right decision. Because by going after these vague labels not only you are losing your right prospects, but also blocking your partner’s way to find theirs. At times it’s better to chase the right ones than the easy ones.

11 strong signs that you should breakup and move on was originally published in Live Your Life On Purpose on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“SELF” ENGINE OPTIMIZATION — TO LAND YOU ON LIFE’S FIRST PAGE

SEO is one of the most trending topics in the digital sphere right now. I don’t think if there is anyone who hasn’t been bitten by the SEO bug.

Be it bloggers, internet-marketers, salespeople, engineers, entrepreneurs, or even small/big institutions, almost everyone is diving in the vast sea of digital marketing, hoping for a secret formula that could turn their business/website into a goldmine by landing it on the first page of Google.

Nobody wants to get stuck on the later pages of the search engine, as someone rightly said, “ The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google.“

Everyone is hustling to make to the top page results. But, how many of them actually turn sand into gold?

Those who have a safe and successful landing, are the ones who gain extensive experience in this field, learn the game and who are always ready to take action for it. And, the ones who never settle.

But have you ever thought, what is optimizing those successful people to always be on the front page of life? What are the factors backing their success? What separates them from the crowd?

And, that’s where ‘Self- engine optimization’ comes into the scene.

Okay, let me ask you when was the last time you optimized your life or ‘Self-optimized yourself to make all your dreams come true??

I am sorry! I must be sounding an alien to you, right?

“What is this new kind of SEO he is talking about here?”, that’s a little confusing to you, right?

Wait, let me unwrap this for you and make it a little easier for you.

In digital marketing terms, Search engine optimization(SEO) helps you to rank your businesses, websites, and blogs on Google or other search engines. Likewise, ‘Self-engine optimization’ is a way that you can implement to be a better version of yourself and to always stay ahead in the game of life.

If you look closely, you will realize that you can attain immense success just by using the very same techniques marketeers use for SEO.

We are living in the most competitive era ever, where new talents and geniuses are evolving in tons every day, and each of them wants to be on the radar. No one wants to be in second place. Why? Because it represents mediocrity.

And, if you still feel that you are happy and satisfied to be where you are, then don’t blame anyone if you get lost as an ‘ untold story in this exotic book of life’.

But, if you are a dreamer and want to make it big, the time has come for you to SELF-OPTIMIZE yourself and to be the best version of yourself.

Host yourself on pillars of good ethics and morals

Server hosting is one of the prime determining factors when it comes to SEO, the same way when it comes’ to self-engine optimization, our values and ethics play a crucial role in deciding where we stand.

We choose the best server to host our website to optimize its performance and other factors, likewise we should host ourselves on a strong foundation of values and ethics when it comes to ‘self-engine optimization’.

Our values and ethics play a very important part of our life. If we have good values and high morals backing up, then we automatically turn out to be a better version of ourselves. Everyone who made it to the top stresses the importance of having strong pillars of ethical values beneath. They serve as the foundation for us. Don’t settle just being human; strive to be a better human.

Host yourself on the server of high values and great ethics to boost your performance as an individual. If your foundation is strong, no storm can affect take away your sail. Work each day to be a better person than you were yesterday. It’s the very first step on this pursuit of “Self-engine optimization”

Add great content to others lives

This is the best mantra preached by almost every digital marketer, “Content is the king”. If you are not aiming to provide valuable and useful content to people, then no matter what you do, nothing can rank you on the search engines.

Same way, when it comes to “self-engine optimization”, what you are giving back to the world holds an important value. How you are making things easier for people, what unique ways you are exploring to solve their problem and what you have with you to give to the world; these things play as content in everyone’s life.

If you want to add value to yourself, add value to other people and the world around you. That’s what most successful people do, and that’s how it works. Deliver your best content to the world, give them a strong reason to choose you. Don’t stay mediocre, carve your way to be unmatchable.

Combine proper research and smart work

Intelligent keyword research determines your chances to dominate SERP’s. Trust me, it’s more of an intelligence and analytic game than an “EGO” game.

If you are a beginner in this game, and you choose a high competitive keyword and almost hundreds of people competing against each other to stay ahead, what are your chances to rank for it? Very rare.

So what is the wise thing for beginners to do while choosing the best keyword:

1. Do proper research.
2. Use an analytic mind.
3. Go for low competition keyword and for long-tail ones.

Same way, if you want to move ahead in the game of life, focus on smart work more than just “hard-work”. Almost 90% of people do hard work, but the one who mixes hard-work and smart work are the ones who triumph the game.

Enthusiasm is excellent quality, but only when it is showed in the right direction and with the right attitude. Just sheer hard work is not enough to turn your gloomy nights into bloomy days.

Work on your analytical side of the brain to explore every door, and at last choose the one which has higher chances to bring the desired results for you. Don’t keep knocking the wrong door just because you think “ You can“.

Make high quality backlinks A.k.a connections

So, what backlinks mean in SEO? It’s the number of websites linking back to you.

The more the high-quality links you gain higher will be your chances of increasing your ranking.

‘High-quality’ is the key here. The links you gain from the high authority websites play a crucial role. And, as most of us know “1 link from an authority website is far better than 100 low-quality websites”.

Same way, one of the major factors that determines your ranking in life is the ‘people you associate yourself with’. Associate yourself with the ones who motivate you, inspire you, and give you a push to rise higher.

Your environment decides the quality of your life. You become the person you roam around with. Always be very careful when choosing your company. Stop wasting time with the people who are adversely affecting your performance.

Linking yourself to the people who have something to teach you and can uplift you, is the wiser way to climb up the ladder of both success and wisdom. Negate every possible bad-link from your life that’s adversely affecting your performance.

Always be ready to link yourself with people who always ready to elevate you and motivate you. That’s the secret of almost every successful person.

Be ready for uncalled updates

What’s the worst misconception of almost every “wanna- be” SEOs? They underestimate search engines and believe that they can fool them. And, then search engines come with a ‘surprise’ update and shake their game plan by instantly bringing their ranking to the ground.

It’s always advised that apart from wasting time in planning the ways to fool search engines, better utilize that time to learn and understand it’s working and then act accordingly.

So, what’s the best thing marketers do when they get hit by an update? They remain patient and audit everything. And instead of going crazy and finding shortcuts, they explore ways to overcome it with time.

And, that’s a hard truth of life too; “It’s uncertain”. It is entangled with various twists and turns, and whosoever ever tries to control it, simply lost control over everything.

Don’t try to fool life, instead work on yourself to keep you intact and tough when it hits you hard. Don’t just drift around thinking you have smarter ways to deal with it. Because when you do that, life slaps you harder on the face.

Accept it’s uncertainty and work on yourself to stay determined that no update can take away your self-confidence and self-determination.

And, instead of resisting failures learn to tackle them. Don’t let any fear knock you down. Have the courage to rise again, again and again. You always have the choice to start again. Those who take the challenge rise higher and others go on wishing for a more comfortable and stable life.

Good things take time

“Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

If you go to a digital marketer and ask him to rank your page on the first page of Google within a day or two, and in exchange, you are willing to offer any amount of money. What do you think he will do? He will show you the door. Those who understand the ‘real’ SEO, also know that it takes time and constant efforts to get rank on Google. It’s not a two-minute instant noodle.

Likewise, if you are striving to be on life’s first page, you have to understand that every good thing takes time to happen. Grow more patient and calm, and keep moving gradually in the required direction. Life awards the one who never leaves the “rope of hope”. No matter what happens, strive to keep your motivation hormones high. Don’t let anything put you down. Just put in the necessary actions and let the time to steer ahead.

There is no shortcut to reach out for the top, those who climbed the ladder did it with their hard work, patience, and persistence. Life has its own course, and sooner you understand this, sooner you will increase your chances to stay ahead in the game.

In the end:

These are the few factors that determine your ranking in life and if you desire to move and stay ahead, you need to master these factors to be unstoppable.

Once you do that, trust me nobody can stop you from hitting the first page. After all, we are not here to live in mediocrity, we are here to rise high and to move ahead in ranking.

If you have goals and if you are brave enough to achieve them, then you have no reason to be on the second page of life.

You should make the best use of every opportunity that can chauffeur you towards excellency, and that’s the only way to reach your true calling.

“SELF” ENGINE OPTIMIZATION — TO LAND YOU ON LIFE’S FIRST PAGE was originally published in Live Your Life On Purpose on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Going through a breakup or separation is no cake-walk. Even the wisest minds and the strongest hearts often fail to sail through it.

In my case, being on a little emotionally-sensitive side, breakups have always been a bad deal to me. Not just they were always been extremely painful to get over, but when they started to take over other areas of my life, they became equally frustrating too.

Irrespective of the duration and intensity of relationships I had been into, if they ended against my wishes, they surely took a major toll on my life by negatively impacting me both mentally and physically. I had always been resilient to let go of people away from me. Especially the ones I was romantically involved with. Not always for the sake of love, but for a sense of importance and emotional support those relationships provided me. Because It’s something I found tough to achieve it for myself. For me, being in a relationship held more value than the person I was in a relationship with.

I hated to be on the receiving side of the breakup decisions. I hated to be left with no options but to survive through it. That wasn’t acceptable. Not to me at least.

Though It could have been a little easier if the breakups & separations were the only things I dealt with– what always shattered me were the rampant emotions that followed after each heartbreak. Out of those zillions of emotions, I suffered post-breakup, anger had always been the most intractable. I never accepted those breakups constructively. Digesting a sudden change in the behavior of a person never made any sense to me. And in those periods of mental discomfort, anger was the only way to express my pain and hurt that came naturally out of me.

It took me a lot of good years to realize that I was wrong. To realize that anger wasn’t the solution, but another problem in itself. I was too busy controlling and fixing the outer world outside that I never paid attention to the internal one. Not just it slowly hijacked my mental peace but also deprived me of all the happiness as if there’s no end to these sorrows.

Life appeared to be stuck in an unruly loop after each breakup. Then one day — I decided to break this loop for good. My own good.

I had two choices:

…One, to do nothing but to continue with my usual anger outbursts over things I had no control over and turn my emotions against me like I always did…

…Or to deal with the situation by taking control of my emotions and actions, and finally liberate myself from all the self-created negativity and move-on happily to explore other things I always underestimated about myself.

Sensibly, I chose the latter option. And that single decision changed everything.

Some realizations I had:

Even when the breakup happens for good, even mutual ones, it results in some extent of anger. This is a default emotion that resides in everybody and shows up every time when someone disrespects us, disempower us, or disappoint us against our will.

And when I decided to divert my attention inside, I realized a lot of things. Like these:

I suffered from low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem often tend to get angrier when their relationship ends. They deal with such a poor self-image and low-confidence that their whole focus shifts to keeping their partner happy rather than enjoying being in a relationship with them.

I always feared that my partner would stop loving me or get bore with me if I fail to keep them entertained and happy. I even went out of my comfort zone to make them feel special. Not out of love, but to bribe them with reasons that No-one could love them the way I do. Mine gestures originated out of the fear of losing them, not out of love. For me, my relationships were nothing but a tag to validate my own self-worth and self-importance. I wanted the approval of others to fuel my identity.

When things ended on a bad note I did try my best to force guilt on my ex-partners. I reminded them of everything I did for them, of all the gifts I bought, of all the ‘sacrifices’ I made, and of all the ‘love’ I showered them with.

I had to stop them from leaving me, I had to force them to change their decision because I couldn’t bear the tag of rejection. That could hurt my self-confidence. And when they didn’t reciprocate in the way I expected, that’s when anger made its entry. Disguised in the form of broken trust, emotional discomfort, and betrayal.

I held my ex-partners responsible for it.

Some people never bother to accept their part of their mistakes. Instead, they keep on finding opportunities and people to hold responsible for every problem they are facing in their lives.

Interestingly, when in a relationship, people want every bit of credit for even the tiniest of the efforts and moments. Everything revolves around “Us and We”. And the moment relationship goes off-track, people suddenly whitewash their role and start graying their partner’s. After that, all that remains is the war of ‘I Me and Myself’.

Even I take the blame for this one. I did possibly everything to hold my exes responsible for everything that happened bad to the relationship. And to me.

Not surprisingly, in doing so, I suffered inner conflicts between my actions and inner truths. And that unalignment further fueled the anger inside me. I knew that I am equally responsible too, but my anger blinded me to see anything beyond my ego.

I believed I didn’t deserve it

Then comes the genuine anger that results from a heartbreak. We have all the right to get angry. We are human, we believe in bonding with people, we survive on love and compassion, we build trust to grow. And, when a relationship ends, that’s so dear to you, getting angry is not an alien reaction.

However, victimizing yourself is no wise either.

A lot of things we face in life are not what we deserve, yet we have no option but to get off it n’ move on — not because we have a heart of gold, but simply because this makes perfect sense. Sadly, I never tried to make this perfect sense. I chose to call myself a victim. That’s where I lost my power to control my actions and reactions. I got myself stuck in limiting beliefs. That’s when anger took me over.

And here’s what my anger made me do…

Not everyone is mindfully aware to redirect their anger towards the better. Instead, they indulge themselves in negative outlook and actions that further create a more stressful environment around them.

When dealing with stressful situations like these, things like these should clearly be avoided. Sadly, I couldn’t do it myself.

Badmouth my ex in front of everyone

I found my solace after a breakup by slamming my ex in front of the whole world. I wanted everyone to know the degree of ‘emotional exploitation’ that I suffered in my relationships.

I slipped into the ‘victim’ zone by purposely pointing out my ex-partners’ mistakes by letting everyone know how I suffered wrongdoings of those ex-partners. Though this didn’t help me in controlling my anger. But it did satisfy my fake ego; at least that’s what I chose to believe.

Character assassination of my ex

Even after knowing that it’s the most unethical way to deal with anger after a breakup, I didn’t feel shy taking my anger to the next level by assassinating some of my exes’ character. I kept their core values and ethics aside and started spreading their secrets, false rumors, and fake links ups to intentionally gray their social image and to bring shame to them. Yes, I am guilty of it.

However, instead of finding the peace I ended up angrier than before and also faced criticism for my actions in return. I still regret this part.

Attracted bad things for my ex

I thought that the best way to bring peace in my life is to attract disturbance in my ex-partners’ lives. Day and night people I wished adversity for them just because they hurt me. I wished that they never find true love again. Not that mine was true love.

In the process, I completely forget the big picture. That by doing this I was inviting the same level of negativity in my life too. For every pain I was attracting for my ex, I was creating more pain for myself.

Only after I got a chance to read ‘The Secret’, I got to know that we all vibrate on some level of frequency, positive or negative. And that frequency depends on the quality of thoughts we choose to play in our minds. If we choose negative then negativity follows in life, and vice versa.

There’s no way anyone can bring positivity and peace in their life by attracting negativity in others’ lives. That wisdom came late to me.

Unsuccessfully attempts to make my ex realize her mistakes

I clearly remember that just after my breakup I used to call and text my ex continually, expecting her to realize her mistake and force her to come back to me again. I believed that certain misunderstanding or mood swings could be the reason she broke up. And I presumed it was my duty to make her realize those things.

However, I was wrong. She never reciprocated the same way I wanted her to. And that…Irritated me to the core. It took me a long time to understand a simple fact; you can’t force anyone to realize things that you expect. It only works when it’s natural.

Not everyone shares the same thinking and philosophy as ours. Unless realization arises out of sincere honesty, it’s useless.

And finally, that’s what I did get over anger after my breakups

It all changed when I decided to change. I finally choose to turn my attention on things I had control over. I changed myself, and then, everything changed.

1. Acceptance and expression

You won’t be rewarded for maintaining a happy face after an intense heartbreak. If you are dealing with anger issues after your breakup, it’s no wise in hiding it behind a dummy smile.

Every change you seek begins with a sincere acceptance that there’s something that’s bothering you and it needs to be changed. You can’t blind shut yourself from situations. Changes never happen on auto-mode.

I cried. I cried a lot. Even if It reflected my emotional weaknesses, even if it hurt a little, I chose not to control my natural reactions towards pain. I removed all emotional barriers and let all the emotions to flow outwards naturally. It allowed me to feel human. It allowed me to accept that it’s impossible to control everything. It helped my mind to work for me rather than working against me.

The key to lowering your pain is to accept it, feel it, and express it. Even if you feel like outbursting your anger once, just do it. Don’t overthink what people might judge you, how it may affect your relationships with them; because if you need to deal with it, accepting and expressing your anger is the first step towards recovery.

In my case, accepting four things helped me:

• That I have no control over the emotions and reactions of other people.
• That I shouldn’t be emotionally over-dependent on others.
• That I wasn’t a victim.
• That not everyone means to stay.

2. Reach out to the source

Now that you have wholeheartedly accepted your situation, proceed to the next step; reach out to the source that triggers your anger. Obviously, you can’t be mad at everything; there must be something that triggers and intensifies your anger.

In my case, it was a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. It was my need to seek validity that made me emotionally vulnerable. My anger aroused from the fear of being left alone and fear of rejection. I was nothing without relationships and my relationships made me something. My desperation to be that something and fear of not falling back to being nothing was the root cause of everything I faced after breakups.

Maybe in your case, it could be the thought of seeing your ex dating somebody else, thought of losing your ex forever, feeling of unworthiness, the humiliation of getting dumped, or something from your childhood past might be triggering it, there must be some source of your anger. And your job is to become aware of that source consciously.

For that to understand you need to be aware of the thoughts playing in your mind, and then figuring out the quality of emotions those thoughts are generating inside you. And then closely notice how your body is responding to those reactions.

For example, as you may have experienced, whenever we feel a sense of fear and discomfort, our muscles start to tighten and we feel shortness of breath. Those are nothing but the reactions of emotions generated by some thoughts. Likewise, different emotions can have different kinds of reactions. And your job is to pay attention to those reactions and to trace back to the source that’s generating them.

Now, whenever you get angry towards something, take a deep breath and try to figure out what were the last thoughts in your mind before anger took you over. And then keep connecting the dots backward.

3. Take responsibility

I don’t know if that was genetically infused into me or I created it for me due to issues of poor self-image, but I always withdrew myself from situations I found uncomfortable. Either I put blame on others for everything bad happening to me or crib endlessly for my bad luck. Neither of those worked for me.

My earlier belief was that if am good with someone, then the other person is also bound to reciprocate with the same feelings. If they don’t, then they became a negative character in my blame games. This way I allowed everyone to drive my life and emotions. I let everyone but just myself to decide the quality of my moods. Like I’m a puppet with his strings pulled by others.

I lost control of the situations, actions, and the reactions that followed after. That’s how I dig my own emotional grave.

Then arrive in my life a book that helped me change my perception of everything. It gave me a reflection of the mistakes that I was committing for a long time. The book was “How to get from where you are to where you want to be”. That was the first book I ever read in my life. Obviously except for the textbooks.

There was a chapter in that book that says — you can’t change anything unless you take responsibility to change it. For something to change outside, a lot has to change inside. And the first step is to take responsibility. If you are not happy with the way things are going on, take the responsibility to change it. If not, then at least don’t crib about it.

Then I realized that whatever I am feeling and experiencing right now it’s something that’s happening inside me. I can’t expect others to fix me. Only I can turn the right knob in the right direction. Surely others can provide temporary relief by consoling me, by motivating me, by making me see the sunny side, but they can’t fix it for me. That realization came to me slowly and gradually. And with that, I decided to fix myself.

You can’t direct or drive any car while sitting on the passenger seat, likewise, you can’t change any life situation or overcome any emotion, unless you get on the driver seat and take charge.

I took the responsibility for everything that has happened to me, be it the choice I made, the actions I took. I took full responsibility for my current situation even if I believe I made no mistakes. And I healed.

4. Write a letter to your ex (don’t post it)

We all have something in our hearts and mind that remains unsaid after a breakup. And, we continue to keep it inside as we believe it’s too late to express it now. By doing so we think we might be helping and protecting ourselves from the emotional outburst.

As time passes, those little unsaid things start mutating themselves into big things and one day when we fail to keep them inside, they outburst irrationally, especially in the form of extreme anger.

But on the other hand, expressing everything to your ex is no wise either. As it might arouse more complications and bitterness.

Deadlock situation, isn’t it? No! Surprisingly it’s not. There’s a way to deal with it.

This tip came from one of my maternal uncles. To be honest I found it silly at first. He asked me to grab a pen and paper, not digital means(go old-fashioned here) and asked me to write my heart out, without thinking and worrying about the grammar, etc. Even if words don’t make sense, he wanted me to continue writing till my finger hurts or I finally fall out of words.

He wanted me to pour my anger through words on that paper without judging those words, even when if they sound wrong and ill-mannered.

“Be transparent and don’t whitewash your thought, you have nothing to prove to anybody. So write everything that comes to your mind”, that’s what he said to me.

Followed with, “And when you finish with it the letter, take a deep breath. And just burn that letter. Then see your anger and negativity burning with that paper.”

Yes, you read it right. He asked me to burn it. And that’s exactly what I did after successfully finishing that letter. I am not sure if it makes sense scientifically, but I worked for me.

Can this work for you too?

I am not sure, why don’t you try it yourselves and let me know if it does?

5. Talk it out

Don’t let the anger bubble to build inside you, nobody can save it from bursting. Instead, talk it out. Find some person, among friends or family, and let them know about the issues you are struggling with. Don’t be afraid of being judged or misunderstood.

Luckily, my family has always been a great pillar of support to me. No matter what I faced in life, I always found them stand with me by my side. I remember sharing everything with my mother and gladly, she listened to all of it patiently. She helped me to understand a few things which I couldn’t have done it alone.

She was blunt and straightforward. She never whitewashed my wrongs acts that I did out of anger. She was never biased towards me. She never felt shy to tell me the right things even if it put me in discomfort. Sharing these issues with her work every time for me.

So whenever things get out of your range of control, sit down with someone you can trust and talk your heart out in front of them. Let them know how your emotions have turned against you and how they are stealing peace out of your life. Chances are they will understand and can also help you to see things with a different and wider perspective.

If in case, you find it difficult to open in front of known people, seek out professional help. Take anger management classes, consult some professionals. They are best in handling these issues, that’s why they are professionals, right? It’s their job to help you bring peace in your mind and show you the way to overcome mental hurdles that are bothering you.

If any minute you feel things are getting out of your hands and anger is taking over your life, don’t wait, just turn out for help.

6. Channel it to the right place

Anger is not bad for us altogether. Some kind of anger is indeed necessary for all of us. There are so many areas in life which demand a certain level of anger and aggression to accomplish them successfully.

For example, in some sports like boxing, football, wrestling, or rugby, players need a level of aggression in themselves to give their best performance. Of course, not everyone is not an athlete, however many areas in our life too demand some controlled level of aggression.

I found my channel of expression by working out in the gym. After my last serious breakup, I lost around 15 kg of weight. I completely neglected myself and indulged myself in acts that further affected my health adversely. I downgraded my health to the point where my father had to finally ask me if I am on some drugs or anything (trust me, I wasn’t though). And that’s when I decided to change. Change for good.

I joined a local gym that finally helped me bring my diet and routine on track. Gladly, my father never asked that question from me again. I changed my lifestyle for the better not by letting my anger to rule, but by diverting it on the productive channel.

The point is not to control aggression, but to channel that aggression towards the areas in which it is required. Rather than letting anger taking over your life and drain your energy, divert it towards where it’s necessary and beneficial.

Fire can both light up the dark and can bring down a house to ashes, likewise, your anger can both harm you or benefit you based on how you channel it.

Over to you

Do let me know if the above things worked out well for you. Even feel free to add any other useful tips you found helpful while overcoming anger after your breakup.

DON’T LET A BREAKUP BREAK YOU.

If you like it, I believe you will love my other stories too

• After 10 Heartbreaks, Here’s What I Finally Learned
• Loneliness after a breakup | That’s how to deal with it

How I Overcame Anger After My Breakups was originally published in Ascent Publication on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Let’s start this on a good note. And what could be a better way to initiate this by letting you know that I love you social media. I really do.

I have nothing against you. I admire you for all the perks you have provided to our generation by letting people connect within a fraction of seconds. Gladly, now people don’t have to burn their fuel by roaming around their crush’s house just to have a single glimpse of them. Facebook search has made it so easy for everyone now. Isn’t that a clear advantage ’20s people have over us? Yes, I belong to the late ’80s generation.

So where were we? Oh, yes, RESPECT!

I have the utmost respect for you — particularly, for your hashtags. It’s just my “Dig into the deep” personality which has brought me here to clarify a few things and a few concepts about so-called relationship goals.

I just logged into Instagram, and before I could even type #relat…, your search suggestions popped-up with #relationshipgoals and the related tags as top suggestions. That too with some amazing pictures and quotes.

So coming back to my point, the last time I checked, you had around 79,81627 posts solely on Instagram for the #relationshipgoals hashtag giving #majorrelationshipgoals to millions of people. That number is huge, isn’t it?

That means almost 8 million goals are scattered over on just one platform, reaching out to millions of people guiding them to realize the true and meaningful potential of their relationship. That’s commendable!

But out of those millions, why there’s not even a handful of posts that actually describes practical and real relationship goals? Clearly, I am talking about relationship goals that matter in the real world for real relationships.

And even if I agree with the credibility of the goals that your hashtags project, why are so many relationships facing problems every day? Why are people struggling so hard to infuse life into their almost dead relationships even after liking, sharing and believing in those #relationshipgoals?

I believe you don’t have the answer to all my genuine curiosities, but don’t you think your users deserve some practical and real relationship goals rather than impractical #relationshipgoals?

Are you still here? Hello, Mr. social media!

Nevermind, It seems like even social media can’t find answers for my genuine concerns. For now, let social Media adhere to its #silencegoals.

So people, now it’s just between you and me. Yes I am talking to you.

Let me ask you the same thing. After all, you are the ones responsible for those millions of posts. You created all those #relationshipgoals. You are the one that followed them blindly. Going by that logic, you also owe me all the answers that I’m looking for.

Tell me what relationship goals are we talking about here?

A picture of a good-looking couple cuddling in bed, sharing some private moment with some intimate quote printed on it?

Or a picture of a girl posing at some exotic beach location, dressed in a beautiful designer gown, excited to have a beautiful diamond ring from her partner, affixed with a tag #relationshipgoals?

Or a guy lost in his Play-station with his friends since the whole day while his wife happily serves some beer and fries to all of them at regular intervals #Relationshipgoals, aren’t they?

Are you also aiming for these ‘real’ relationship goals?

Do you actually believe that these relationship goals will be your savior during the ups and downs of your relationship?

If you read these just to kill your idle time, it’s completely cool. But if you have seriously started considering these as your real relationship goals, then you are in some real shit, my friend. Just having a hot bikini-clad girlfriend or boyfriend who can afford diamonds is not a guarantee for a healthy relationship for sure.

Hollow relationship goals won’t take your relationship anywhere.

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying that exchanging gifts or having a fun time and doing random cute little things time and again for each other is useless, but they are just the perks of being in a good relationship, not the basis of it.

I really don’t want to be the one affecting Amazon gift sales this year or to be the reason for a big drop in diamonds sale. But there is a huge difference between #relationshipgoals and actual relationship goals. And that we need to understand.

If you are one of those people who love to share pictures of couples doing cute things or to take screenshots of your favorite love quotes, but you don’t even remember when was the last time you actually talked to your partner, like a real heart to heart talk, then it’s useless.

If you are the one who goes “Awwww” seeing a picture of a guy going on his knee and gifting his girlfriend a huge teddy with a #relationshipgoals tag, but you don’t even remember the last time you treated your partner with respect and does something out of love for them, it’s pretty useless again.

And if you really want to know what are the real relationship goals for a healthy relationship? Here they are:

Strive to be the best of friends before you compete for the #perfectcouple.

Every relationship needs a level of friendship to nurture. It’s the foundation of a godly relationship. Work on being the best of friends instead of jumping straight to “I love you” session and #soulmate hashtags within a few days into a relationship.

Cultivate a relationship that is based on friendship, somehow everything about the relationship just becomes easy, especially when you are being friends with your partner.

Have each other’s back even in the hard times.

Imagine a scenario where things are running smooth, your relationship is going with ease, and things are working as you expect them to work out. No arguments, no ego-clashes, a ‘perfect’ relationship.

Now just come out of your imagination. And get real. Because we are talking about relationships here and it’s impossible to expect this consistency out of them.

So in order to develop a strong relationship, learn to support each other in miseries and adversities. There’s nothing better than telling your partner with your love that ‘You are not alone’ when they need it the most.

Unconditional love in every condition.

If it’s limited to convincing your partner to let you watch your football game in exchange for bringing some groceries from the market later, it’s completely fine.

But, if it starts getting to the point where you start putting conditions on love or on the exchange of affection, then think no more and start working on your relationship.

You can’t say to your partner that “Do this for me, then only I will love you back”, or ‘if only you do this for me, then only you can prove your love towards me’. Stop this self-centered bullshit. True love seeks no condition. No matter how good or bad, real love never based on the fulfillment of conditions.

Share and support each other’s dreams.

If one day I come home and tell my wife that I want to be an astronaut now. Trust me! She won’t laugh at me. She will make me believe that “Yes! I can” and will start to Google “How to make your husband an astronaut after he comes back home drunk.” the very next moment. That’s not a joke.

Always have time and patience to share and listen to each other’s dreams. Always show faith in their capabilities without underestimating them. Accept them for who they are and put all your faith in trust in them. And then see your relationship grow stronger.

Treat your partner with respect.

Every relationship needs a certain level of respect in order to flourish. Sad news — you can’t ask for respect. You earn it by giving it.

You can’t exploit your partner in the name of love. You can’t treat them like trash while expecting them to treat you like a king/queen.

Want to be treated well? Then start treating your partner the same way. As you sow, so shall you reap.

Mature understanding to resolve every big or small fight.

If anyone claims that they are the best couple because they never fight, then, first of all, they are not even a couple. And if they still mean it, then they are wasting their time in a 'too perfect’ relationship.

Come on! Who doesn’t fight? It’s completely fine! What matters is your deep understanding to resolve every fight. If you have it, then no fight can break your relationship. Smooth roads are no fun; a little bumpy ride is cool at times to bring yourself closer to your partner.

Communicate well

Is your partner afraid to share everything with you? Does your partner avoid getting into deep conversations with you because you might judge them? If that’s so, then this relationship goal should top the list in your goals book.

Work on your comfort level and stop judging your partner by what they choose to share with you. Give your partner a comfort zone wherein sharing things becomes easier. Needless to say, communication is the key to any relationship. But what matters more are your reactions that follow after conversations.

Handle each other’s faults and weaknesses maturely.

Nobody is perfect. Better realize it soon. Don’t crib about your partner’s weaknesses and flaws all the time. If you can’t let go of your habit of finding the flaws in your current partner, please do him/her a favor by leaving them. Don’t waste each other’s time by picking flaws in each other.

But if you choose to stay, then learn to accept them the way they are. Don’t make them feel that they are not good enough for you. Focus on the strong points of your relationship and negate the weak ones. Now that’s a real relationship goal one should follow.

Respect each other’s personal space.

Nobody wants a 24×7 sticky gum relationship as they portray in some #relationshipgoals. We are human and it’s completely okay for everyone to travel back and forth to their ‘me time’.

A little solitude from each other can break your relationship apart. But, I guarantee you that spending too much time with each other has more chances to harm your relationship.

Learn to keep a balance. Do respect each other’s “Me- time”. And the next time when your partner goes into their ‘me time’, take it casually without being judgmental about it.

At last, don’t let all the social media glitter to fool you. Real relationships lie out of these influences. #relationshipgoals etc. are not the parameters to judge your relationships. They are always changing with every season and fashion. And, if there’s anything that’s consistent and real, that would be your unconditional love and trust for your partner.

Now enough about what I feel/think. What about you? What are your Relationship Goals, or I should say your #relationshipgoals?

After all, as I said you all owe me an answer. Now I am waiting for it. I am all ears.

#Relationshipgoals vs. Relationship goals. Are you making the right choice? was originally published in Live Your Life On Purpose on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Happiness — our lost soulmate. Is it really so hard to find it?

When I was a child my father gifted me a phone, and it goes without saying that I was elated to hold that in my hands. And then, he asked me “Are you happy now?”

Without missing any moment I shouted, ‘YESSSS I am’.

Why wouldn’t I? After all, I was the first one amongst my friends to own a phone and that too with a color display. (Remind you, that used to be a big thing in the early '20s)

And the feeling of excitement was the same when he gifted me my first bike. Then the same question followed, “Are you happy now?” And for another time and for obvious reasons, I answered ‘yes’, again.

I had no reason to be unhappy.

While as a kid, going out with friends and spending a few hours with them was kind of a big deal. Roaming out with them, playing with them and talking about our crushes used to be a definition of a perfect day back then. Even crunching on little snacks while coming back home had made me happier than these complicated foods we have now. And yes, it did make me happy.

The same story and the same question from my father followed in so many things I got or owned, and my answer had always been the same. A big yes followed with a huge smile on my face.

I’m sure you had your own share of happy moments too. Most of us do.

Now, though I have a smartphone (far better than the one I had in childhood), I drive a car, and of course, a decent social media following to prove my social acceptance, yet if you ask me the same question today — my answer would be different.

Everything I have now is better than what I had before. So as per life’s standard, I have all the reasons to be content. Then why it’s so hard to be happy now? Why did these things have lost their charm?

Isn’t this the same story with you? Our life is better in terms of comfort, convenience, and finance, but why we are wandering like mute souls.

Have we lost all the reasons to be happy or lost the happiness itself? Think

Our happiness has found a small corner for itself, as now worries, stress, boredom, ambitions, and selfishness have started roaming free to haunt the majority of the space of our mind and heart.

And, then we wonder, ‘who the hell stole the salt from our life’?

Look within… you will get the answer, that:

1. We measure our self worth by the number of appreciations we get from people.

2. Our social following determines our stature.

3. The cost of our smartphone decides how well we are doing in our careers.

4. The number of girlfriends we have or had determines our X-factor.

5. Our desires have replaced our needs.

6. One like/comment on our post has started to hold a bigger value than an honest appreciation from our loved ones.

7. Though we have got approval from the whole world we still haven’t approved ourselves yet.

8. No matter what we achieve, all we see is how green the is grass on the other side.

9. Whatsapp has replaced the feel of a “what’s up” from a friend.

10. Your phone screen is definitely getting brighter and crisper with time, but it’s stealing the real colors of your life.

And, next time you think it’s impossible to be happy, hit yourself hard with these questions.

• Do you get pleasure in flying your own kite in open skies? Or have you started getting pleasure by cutting down other's kites?
• Have things lost their charm? Or you have lost the charm of those things?
• Has happiness stopped noticing you or have you stopped noticing it?
• Is your job stressing you or being stressed all the time has become your new job?
• Do you accept yourself as who you are before expecting the world to accept you for who you are pretending to be?
• You are choosing the best fuel for your vehicles, but are you fuelling yourself with the right values?
• You are buying ‘Apple’ to boost your image in other's eyes, but have you ever tried to be an apple of someone’s eyes?
• You are judging others sailing boats from the shores, but when is the last time you took yours in the storm?
• You hold God responsible for all the problems of your life in adverse times, then why you credit solely yourself for all your achievements?
• When you don’t mind throwing blames on others, then why you resist taking it from others?
• Traveling is the new happiness mantra and a key to unlocking self freedom, but when is the last time you traveled within yourself to unlock real freedom?
• You are so busy and running wide awake to chase your dreams, how could you forget that dreams can’t be chased with wide-open eyes?
• You are so worried about your future, but aren’t you stressing your present moment too while thinking of the future?

Find answers to these questions, and then ask yourself if it’s really hard to be happy?

They say happiness lies within, but if that is true, why can’t you find it? Because it’s not there anymore. You have sold that space to your temptations, your greed, your wantings, your worries, and your fears. And now, even when happiness comes back to you to claim its home, you refuse to recognize it as you have lost that confidence to deserve it.

Attaining Happiness had never been the problem and never ever will be. The problem is the negligence of realizing it.

Don’t chase happiness, it never went anywhere. Go, open the door and let it come inside again and give the space back where it resided. That’s where it belongs. Not in possessions and attainments.

Next time before seeking answers, question yourself first.

What makes you happy? Do comment and tell us that is it really that hard to be happy?

Originally published at https://www.gofameus.com on November 4, 2019.

Happiness — our lost soulmate. Is it really so hard to find it? was originally published in Live Your Life On Purpose on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I still remember mine; it was the summer of 2007. On returning home after finishing my last exam, my result was already waiting there for me.

No, not the academic one, life’s result. Honestly, at that point, this result mattered more than any of the results combined.

The existence of my relationship was on test. Somehow, I sensed the arrival of the breakup but still hoped for things to turn out otherwise. After all, I ‘thought’ I was in love, it was my first relationship, and for the upcoming 20–30 years everything was perfectly planned for both of us.

“How can you do this to me?” , I screeched with pain on the phone.

“Am sorry, I don’t know what to say, please take care of yourself”; with a crystal clear voice and intention, that was pretty much how she turned me down cold-heartedly.

And there I was, in shock, in denial, and in an intense pain of the heartbreak that life has gifted me without me asking for it.

The person who once claimed to be head over heels in love with me, hardly a week before, just crushed my heart with the same heel. Promises to be with me forever suddenly got translated into “don’t contact me ever” , the one responsible for my bright shining life had just dimmed it and left me to deal with the darkness alone.

The pain declined to depart, and happiness refused to arrive. Sleepless nights followed with hopeless days, dwelling into the past and her thoughts, with the heart still planning ways to get her back and the mind desperately wanting to move on. Everything appeared lost and blurred.

From being a sincere student to scoring good grades, respecting elders to riding a motorbike, keeping myself safe from bullies, cooking eggs, or be it ironing clothes, my closest people taught me everything but ways to heal a broken heart. After all, anybody can get away with cooking eggs and save himself from the efforts of ironing, but it’s impossible to immune ourselves from a heartbreak. Everybody experiences it once in their life. Isn’t it?

Nevertheless, after endless teary sessions, hulky anger outbursts, baseless self-judgments, amusing bird watching experiences, over-the-top Zig-Ziglar, Louis hay, and Brian Tracy book sessions, I somehow got past it gradually with time.

And now, 12 years later, here I am, a serial breakup survivor running a blog on how to survive breakups. Gladly, I don’t believe in carrying the burden of past anymore, neither do I believe in being a preacher who knows it all. But, there are some lessons I did carry with me from the past, that still hold equal importance, and even shape my present decisions and relationships with other people.

After all, a relationship brings you closer to another person, but a breakup brings you closer to yourself.

I wish I had learned them before, or if I had someone who could teach me these back then, but am happy that I have my fair share of experiences and lessons to share with you now, that might save you from hurts of a breakup.

Although I still struggle to Iron my clothes, I do manage both the “sunny side up” and sunny-shady sides of breakup exceptionally well.

Over-dependence sucks

To some of us, a relationship is more like an addiction; it takes a minute to get into, but take a lifetime to get over with it.

Once we get into a relationship, we put the entire burden of our peace of mind and happiness on our relationship and withdraw ourselves from all the responsibilities. We start to believe that from now onwards it’s our partner’s duty to keep us emotionally content and satisfied. We stop being an individual and begin to draw our identity from the behavior of our partner towards us.

And rather than treating our partner as a part of life, we crown them as life itself.

We get severely addicted to their presence that imagining a life beyond them seems meaningless. They become the origin and also the medium to all the pleasures of life. Self-dependence becomes a topic of the past, over-dependence becomes a new mantra, and we happily choose to warm the passenger seat by letting our relationship to drive our life.

But never to forget, every drive seems enjoyable till it’s on-track and every addiction seems pleasurable until withdrawal symptoms kick in. The moment things go off-track, we start to panic and helplessly see things turning out bad as it’s already too late to take the control back.

A relationship should be like bungee, where you jump off the cliff to live the experience of a lifetime, but with a harness on your back ensuring your safety and to pull you back upwards if things go wrong. Likewise, In a relationship that harness is being self-content and self-dependent. A relationship is meant to experience love and to attain the pleasure of belonging, but for that to enjoy to the fullest, you must keep your harness on, so that if anything goes wrong, you have your spirit and self-worth ensuring your safety, and to pull you back to life.

Takeaway: Maintain your individuality. Have a life outside of your relationship too. Never forget; your relationship exists because of you, you don’t exist because of your relationship.

“Love yourself first and foremost.”

It was during the times when Orkut had just arrived in the picture, and everyone was clinging to it day and night. I was still recovering from my first breakup and somehow managed to enter in a second relationship.

Everything was going smooth, and she was everything one could ask for; good-looking, smart, full of warmth, and care.

Almost everything finally made sense, but just one thing…I hated her Orkut status, which said; “Love yourself first and foremost”. It appeared to me as an act of selfishness.

I was like; “Come on! She should love me the most, I am his guy, and she should put me before her”.

I had just come out a painful relationship, and now here I am dealing with a self-obsessive person. I expected her to love me first and foremost, after all, that’s why most of us enter in a relationship, i.e., to seek utmost importance, attention, and love. Isn’t it?

*Not surprisingly that relationship didn’t last any longer*

And it took 4–5 breakups for me to understand the real crux of that status. Loving yourself first and foremost doesn’t mean to put ourselves before anyone else, and love no one but just ourselves.

It simply means to accept ourselves for who we are and find peace within it. It’s foolish to expect others to love and accept us for who we are when we are having a hard time doing the same for us. Most people never realize it unless breakup hits them, and they end up feeling low self-worth and low self-esteem.

Takeaway: Your Self-worth and self-image should not be built on other people’s opinions. And before you go out and claim your love for someone, make sure you are in love and peace with yourself.

Balance is the key

It may sound strange to many, but a relationship should not be on top of your priority list. Indeed, it should take your focus and should hold a higher degree of importance, but utmost priority? Naa

Relationships should exist and fit into life without you stressing about it daily. It should keep you relaxed from the emotional and mental front so that you can channel your energy and productivity on other vital areas of life.

If you are in that phase of life where you should focus more on your studies, then give it the required attention. If you are working your ass off to get your dream job, then do that with more focus. If you are a budding author and working tirelessly to finish your first draft, then bring your attention towards it. Do not ignore other important aspects of life just because your relationship is taking a major chunk of your time and focus.

No, am not saying that a relationship doesn’t demand time; it does. But you must know how to balance things. A relationship should fit in your life smoothly, it should be there, it should hold importance, it should provide you mental peace, love, and security, but it shouldn’t divert you from your goals. Instead, it should give you a reason to stick to your goals and conquer all your dreams.

Takeaway: Do not ever make your relationship the only focal point of your life, keep yourself equally indulged in other parts of life too. Never withdraw yourself to enjoy the small happiness that life brings to you; like having dinner with family, roaming with friends, practicing your skills, etc.

A relationship should not hold you back. Instead, it should let you loose and motivate you to give your best shot at life.

Compatibility lasts longer than love

For sure love is a binding agent in a relationship, but there are times when it fails to glue people, then it’s the compatibility that takes the front and decides the course of your relationship. Two people who are compatible but not in love would share a healthy relationship than a couple in love but having zero compatibility.

Each person shares different interests and behaviors. And, for a relationship to be successful, it requires both of the partners to look into the same direction and to gel up with each other smoothly even when things turn slightly grey with time.

It’s completely fine to order different flavors of pizzas, sharing different opinions on choice of colors is fine too, debating about the most powerful Marvel superhero is acceptable too (although we all know iron man is the most powerful), but having completely different emotional expectations, future goals, basic nature polarities, is something that is sure to bother you in the long term.

Takeaway: Having good compatibility lets you allow to communicate with each other without fear of being judged, and to understand each other on a deeper level by making things right when love fails to do so.

Blind trust is for blinds

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. A relationship built on the right amount of mutual trust indeed goes the extra mile. For anyone to enjoy being in a relationship, trust is the most crucial ingredient. You can’t love a person whom you don’t trust. However, having blind faith is suicide.

Many people dealing with low self-esteem fall for this. In spite of being in an unhealthy relationship, even after knowing that their partner is cheating on them, they chose to stay quiet because they aren’t sure if they will find another one. Also, when they confront their partner regarding the same, their partner successfully slips into victim zone and manage to reverse the whole blame game and then thrash the real victim for not showing enough faith in them.

Takeaway: Have the courage to speak up and stand for yourself. It’s a lot better than being single and love-deprived, rather than being with a person who is unworthy of your trust and love.

Don’t force your expectations

When love fails to keep people interested in each other, they try to change each other as per their expectations, specifically in the name of love. And, when it doesn’t happen, they get frustrated, and in no time they fall out of love. And the time that should be spent enjoying the perks of being in a relationship get wasted into changing each other.

The point is that accepting yourself as who you are isn’t enough. You have to accept your partner too for who he/she is. Don’t expect them to love you and express the way you want them to. Let them maintain their individuality and expression.

Just because they differ from you on a few things or have different ways to express their love and care, it should not be the parameter to question their love. Don’t try to change people as per your need and comfort.

Takeaway: For any relationship to flourish, it should be free from unnecessary and impractical expectations. Cultivate a relationship that is based on friendship, because when you are friends with someone, somehow everything about the relationship just becomes easy.

One of the reasons that friendships are so easy to handle just because they don’t come with a long list of expectations. And, as a friend, you immediately fall into a supportive role and always look for ways to make each other happy.

Love is to grow, not shrink

A healthy relationship works to provide you peace of mind, and a toxic one steals it.

If you are in a relationship that’s halting your progress as a human, and if the majority of your time is going into fixing things than enjoying it, then be wise enough to call it off. There’s no use to drag a relationship just for the sake of it.

Likewise, it’s not wise to be in a negative relationship to save yourself from the efforts to find another one, or just because it might be impossible for you to find hotter prospects.

At any time you feel that your relationship has turned toxic and it’s not what you pictured your relationship, be outspoken about it. A healthy relationship will help you to grow as a better human. It will act as a medium for you to experience joy and belongingness, rather than turning you cynical and frustrated.

Takeaway: Don’t get too attached with a tag of relationship, it’s okay at times to let go of a few people so that right one can arrive. And as I always say; never compromise with less than you believe you deserve.

Little secrecy is always good

One of the best perks of a relationship is to have someone by your side to whom you can share anything anytime. Be it your gloomy past or sloppy present, opening up to your partner, and pouring our heart out feels such a blessing.

We believe that our partner has a right to know everything about us, and we don’t step back from sharing even the intimate details of our life. And, in turn, we expect from our partner to take it healthily. Luckily, it happens too sometimes.

And fast forward some months or even years, we find our partner thrashing us for the same intimate details we once shared with our partner out of trust. It happens often. We are human, we do get judgemental sometimes. We often create a big mess out of small things.

Now, what should you do?

Not much, but try not to vomit each and everything in front of your partner just because he/she deserves to know it all. Always keep a little part of yours hidden until you have spent a good amount of years in a relationship with him. Unless you are sure that he/she is mature and understanding enough to take them healthily, don’t vomit.

Takeaway: Let your partner explore you layer by layer, once at a time, rather than you voluntarily stripping your life and gifting it to your partner as a token of trust.

You will regret this, and you know why? Because we are human, we make mistakes, we do get judgemental sometimes, and ironically, your partner is a human too.

Don’t make a place for the third person

You may have been very close to some of your friends, or even with a few family members. And, if you are someone who finds peace in sharing the latest happenings of your life with them. But, that also doesn’t qualify anyone to know every detail of your relationship too.

A lot of things are expected to remain just in between you and your partner. Many people don’t mind sharing even the intimate details of their relationship. And that’s disrespectful not only towards your relationship but towards your partner too.

It takes lots of courage for someone to share something very personal, and least they expect from you is to maintain a little secrecy. Is that a lot to ask for? Of course not.

A lot of things we share with our partner out of emotional trust and no third person qualifies to know them but just you two. Even If you trust your friends more than your life, restrict yourself from sharing blooms and glooms of your relationship.

Even when there is tension in your relationship, don’t cry it out in front of everyone. First, try to resolve things on your own before letting others intervene in between.

Takeaway: There should be no space for “Others” when it comes to handling your relationship and maintaining it.

Not just it will help your relationship to grow stronger, but mutual trust will also grow.

Reality is different than dreams

Don’t let #relationshipgoals pictures fool you; the reality is often different. Love is not about sipping coffee 24x7 in a cosey café, or holidaying together on some beaches, or even about shutting yourself from the outer world and living romantic moments in the bedroom all the time.

Maintaining a relationship for the long term takes effort and a serious commitment. Don’t expect it to run on auto mode, while you relax and experience the sunny side of a relationship.

Entering into a relationship is the smoothest part and takes just 10% of it, rest 90% goes in maintaining and nourishing it. Every relationship put thorough test in thicks and thins, not always you will find yourself sipping coffee in some exotic café, not always you will get to flash #loveforever #madeforeachother tags on your social handles, your love for each other will come under question too sometimes, and that time, all that will matter is just one decision; do you want to quit and move on or to work on your relationship in spite of everything?

Takeaway: Don’t let the #relationshipgoals glitter to fool you, my dear.

After 10 Heartbreaks, Here’s What I Finally Learned was originally published in Ascent Publication on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“ Let’s call it over”

The clock hit little past midnight and honestly, it’s the last thing I was expecting to hear from her.
Also, I would be lying if I say ours was a perfect relationship. But! Whose is?

Indeed, there were some rough patches and misunderstanding that had built up in our relationship with time, but a breakup? Never crossed my mind….Followed with a brief moment of clattered silence, we put down our hopes, and of course the phone, and called it a day.

The next morning there was no call to wake me up or any good morning texts to brighten up my day, the phone laid lifeless on the bedside table. Nothing felt good about that morning. It felt as if someone had drained all the energy out and set me up for a journey I wasn’t prepared and agreed for. A journey which I have to walk alone without her by my side…I felt lonely.

With each past memory hitting my heart, I found myself more entangled in loneliness. Cluttered thoughts raided my mind callously and there wasn’t anything I could do to overpass the pain of it.

My family and friends were there for me, stood by me and tried their level best to cheer me up. I surely wasn’t alone…I was lonely.

Hopeless days followed by sleepless nights, but thoughts of her and the past relationship refused to leave my mind. Even tried to contact her, to reconcile with her, tried convincing her that we might be making a mistake, yet nothing worked.

The outer world began to appear alien to me, seeing ‘happy’ couples irritated me, gelling up with new people sounded meaningless, overcoming heartbreak seemed impossible, and spending most of the time lying on bed n’ dwelling into the past made more sense. And, I finally gave up to the loneliness and silently witnessed it taking over my life and daily productivity.

Now fast forward this…I am here, happy, empowered, at peace with the past, far from ‘loneliness’, and even far more grateful than I ever was. My past doesn’t bother me now, so as the people I was involved with at some point. Though I still have my fair share of ups n downs in life, everyone has, but that’s life’s default. However, breakups and people don’t affect me as they did once. Now I surely know how to overpass them and face them. I am pretty sure you can too, once you know how to.

So, what changed? What did I do to overcome loneliness after a breakup? What tips did I implement to negate its effects? What motivated me to turn my situations for good? What forced me to look at the brighter side? Well, surely it’s not some magic pill. Then what it is?

Relax, you are about to figure that out as you continue reading.

All I can assure you is that there’s hope and you don’t deserve to fall prey to loneliness. And you don’t need to turn into some mystic to understand something that’s fairly straightforward. My intention is to remind you of certain things that you may have forgotten but still lies in you.

This is not the end of life

Mostly when we are in love; or misinterpret to be, our wit often takes the back seat by letting our emotions to steer. Love towards some person starts to bloom which grows gradually with time. From dusk to dawn we remain occupied in our partner’s thoughts and neglect almost everything that doesn’t align with our world view.

Everything appears great, a deep sense of contentment is felt, and a belief is born, i.e, we don’t need anyone but just them in our lives…And we label that sentiment as ‘love’.

And, that’s exactly where the problem begins, that’s the moment loneliness takes the backdoor entry. However, we fail to realize it, as our emotions blindfold us by keeping us busy in enduring pleasures of a relationship.

In most cases, the very step that’s bringing us closer to our love, also distancing us from the rest of the world. And the moment things go south in our relationship, unasked loneliness strikes us because the only person we were dependent on our worldly needs isn’t around anymore.

So, what went wrong here?

The moment we become emotional-dependent on others for the fulfillment of both our emotional and physical needs, we involuntarily start to cut ourselves off from other people and society. Our life starts to revolve around just one person and we end up making him/her our utmost priority. Instead of accepting them as a part of life, we crown them as life itself.

Emotional overdependence is the biggest reason people suffer loneliness after a breakup. When relationship sails smoothly they seclude themselves from everything and want nothing else but their partner and relationship. And, when that partner makes an exit from their life, loneliness comes to haunt them.

But, the good news is; it’s not too late yet. What it takes is just a sincere realization that it’s not the end of life. Your life is still very much here, it’s just a person that left. Your friends, family, work, hobbies are still here. Don’t give up just because of an illusion of emptiness. Treat your heartbreak as an experience, something you can learn from and get past with time. Don’t isolate yourself and sob for the things that didn’t work, work on things that you can still make right. Learn to be self-sufficient and self-dependent, don’t wait for others to make you feel special.

Loneliness might hit you unconsciously, but for you to survive it, a conscious decision of dealing it with bravery should be taken. Do not let your emotions run wild, take control of them, let them rest for a while, and then let your awareness take charge from now on.

Don’t give up to loneliness so easily; this is temporary, this is not the end of life. This is merely an end of a chapter, so many more are yet to explore.

Be expressive

Being heartbroken doesn’t mean that we should slip into ‘airplane’ mode. After my first breakup, I chose to stay silent by not expressing all the pain I was going through. I continued with my normal life, a regular routine, but rarely let anyone know of the intense pain and inner conflicts I was struggling with. And rather than improving my situation for better, it turned worst.

Then came a time where I got clueless about what I should do to ease my pain and ended up being angrier and anxious than before; which affected other areas of my life too particularly my studies, my friendships, and mental peace.

I don’t want any of these things for you. And the best way to keep yourself safe from these inner conflicts and struggles is to be a little expressive. It’s completely fine if your breakup hurt you more than you expected, it’s okay if your emotions are getting out of your control, there’s no need to fake your smile when the reality is completely different from it. Be completely real about your situation.

Even if you feel like crying your heart out, go for it, don’t overthink. If expressing your pain to your loved ones gives you relief, then don’t wait for the right time, just go talk to them and let them know your struggles. Or, if in case you are an introvert and find hard to share your thoughts and emotions, just take a pen and paper and write down anything that comes to your mind. Writing is one of the most effective ways to express any kind of emotion. The more you express your pain, the lesser it will affect you.

There might be chances that your friends or any family member had suffered the same heart-wrenching experience and have some valuable advice to give you to overcome it.

Also, if in case your loneliness has turned into a serious issue like chronic anxiety, or even depression, don’t feel shy to seek some professional help.

The point is to be expressive rather than wearing your breakup as a badge of strength, nobody is honoring you with any medal or something for conquering it alone. With each moment of expression, you learn something which you couldn’t have done it alone.

Go soft on yourself

As Steve Maraboli said it so brilliantly; “ The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. “

There’s no way you can come out of this loneliness if you are still hoping her to come back(when you clearly know, she wouldn’t), to undo the mistakes of the past, wishing it never happened or going hard on yourself by taking all the blame to yourself. In order to overcome this phase of loneliness, you need to go soft on yourself by freeing yourself from the past. Don’t punish yourself, don’t beat yourself around the bush.

Just accept the situation and move forward. You don’t need to stay in the past to learn from it. No matter how heavenly, or even hellish, it was, the fact is; it’s over. Creating more pain for yourself won’t help you to overcome it. Unless you make peace with your past, it will keep stealing peace from your present.

If by going into “ lone-zone” you believe your ex will come running back to you and beg you to take him/her back, it’s utterly foolish reason to create negativity around yourself. A little grief period is indeed necessary to recover from a breakup, but don’t let it affect you on a deeper level.

Also, there’s no use of limiting yourself to a handful of people, and of course, to your room. Don’t lock your heart towards new experiences just because some old ones didn’t turn right. Go out, meet new people, get closer to them, let them come closer, and just live.

Moreover, don’t overindulge in self-judgments and faulty beliefs, it’s not the right time to figure all that out. In short. don’t waste your time and energy on things that don’t add anything positive to your recovery.

How I Overcame Anger After My Breakups

Embrace your loneliness

Sometimes what appears as our enemy, turns out to be your best ally. Likewise, the situation you want to get rid of might turn into the only way towards peace of mind. What you are labeling as loneliness, I would like to call it “me-time”. In the times where having a few precious moments of peace seems impossible, having a good uninterrupted ‘ me-time ‘ is a blessing.

Rather than allowing loneliness to take your life by storm, use that storm to direct your next sail. Don’t build a resistance around loneliness, let it be there and just use that me-time to do some deep thinking. Allow your mind to indulge in some deeper and clearer insights, allow it to set your life’s priorities, allow it to figure out your dreams, allow it to set further goals, and just silently witness the whole process perfectly working out for you, not against you.

Use this time to enjoy the things and activities you always wanted to. Be it learning some new skills, reading some new books, practicing mindfulness, or even enjoying your favorite activities, welcome everything with an open mind and fully indulge in them. Utilize this “me-time” in a way that it no longer haunts you, befriend it, and use it to bring you back to life.

Believe me when I say; in order to fix your outer world, there is a lot to be fixed in your inner world.

Don’t overcomplicate things

Lastly, don’t complicate your already complicated life with more unnecessary “may be’s”, “if only’s, and “But’s”. Stay at peace with everything. Stop troubling your mind with the past memories and the people that had gone long before and isn’t serving any good to your present situation.

Resist calling your ex, stalking them, texting on social media, or even posting and sharing dull emotional posts on your social media. By doing so, people over-complicate everything. For example, at times people call and beg to their ex to come back, and when their ex’s don’t respond the way they expect, then they turn even more miserable than before. They stalk them, keep a note of their daily activities and finally end up being more frustrated than before; It’s like coming back to point zero, and the struggle to overcome loneliness becomes more challenging.

The fact is; nothing stays the same, everything changes. Even the sharpest of the pains dull with time. Your mind is struggling continuously because you are throwing needless worries and stress towards it by making it believe that you still have the power of making decisions. But, the truth is exactly the opposite of it.

Start looking at everything with a broader perspective, don’t let temporary pain to block your vision, try to look beyond it. Life situations won’t always be the same, and at times surrendering to those situations is the best way to uncomplicate them.

Originally published at https://breakupped.com on July 31, 2019.

Loneliness after a breakup | That’s how to deal with it was originally published in The Startup on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.