• Join The Assertive Woman Community — a free Facebook group for guidance, support, and sisterhood. Click HERE. (The Assertive Woman on Facebook)
• Take my quiz “How Assertive Are You?” Click HERE.
• Grab my for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy” here: www.theassertivewoman.com
• The Assertive Woman on Pinterest

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc.**

“What is the quickest way to build courage and self esteem?” was a question I got from Chris Burns during the interview I did (icymi Click HERE and scroll to the 3 hour mark).

This is such a good question and I had to think about it for a second (as you can tell from the look on my face).

Ultimately I ended up saying that the quickest way to build self esteem is by doing “esteem-able” acts and the quickest way to get courage is to do courageous acts and feel the fear and do it anyway.

So what does that look like?

An esteem-able act is taking action and behaving like someone who has high self esteem and doing things that people with high self esteem do — Even if you don’t feel like it.

For example, an esteem-able act is saying “no” to a small request when you’re already stretched too thin and don’t have the time or energy to do it.

If you’re one that feels guilty or like you’re a bad person when you say “no,” realize that people with high self esteem still say “no” because it means they’re taking care of themselves and they know they are still good and kind people even if they say “no.”

In fact, saying “no” can mean they’re better people because they take care of themselves and can serve others even better. Do as they do. You cannot serve from an empty vessel. You’ll help others better if you yourself are full first.

To get more courage, you have to do the scary thing — Even if you don’t feel like it.

Courage does not mean the absence of fear, it means acting in spite of it. It means doing what you know you need to do even if you don’t feel ready because the fear will never be 100% gone.

Prepare, yes, but don’t use preparation to stall and procrastinate to an extent that you can avoid it or not grow or learn.

Prepare for the very next step, and then take it. Then once you’re there, prepare for the very next step and then take it. Do not prepare for the entire feat all at once. Just do what you can and keep moving forward.

How can you apply these tips on self esteem and courage to your assertiveness journey?

Not sure how assertive you are? Take my quiz HERE.

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc. Join the free Facebook group The Assertive Woman Community and head to www.theassertivewoman.com for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy.”*

Here’s a REAL LIFE STORY about setting and enforcing boundaries and sticking up for those you love from someone close to me (I got his permission to share!).

*Long story, but HUGE message you’ll want to hear*

A close adult male friend of mine shared with me yesterday that his step mom pulls his 10 year old little brother’s hair when she gets upset with him. She has also pushed him into a mailbox, hits him, slaps him in the face, and yells and speaks to him very disrespectfully. She hasn’t done anything to my friend, just his little brother.

My friend sees how it affects his little brother and it upsets them both because no one deserves to be hit for any reason or spoken to that way. His little brother has called him multiple times crying and saying how much it hurts and that he just wants to come live with my friend.

My friend came to me with his concerns and then asked after a pause, “what would you do?”

I took a breath and thought for a moment and then asked him what he’s tried to do or say in the past already?

He replied that he’s had many talks with his step mom about how much her words and behavior hurts his little brother and that it needs to stop. He’s suggested to her that she get therapy to learn better communication skills and how to not resort to getting physical when she’s frustrated. She got a therapist a while back after he suggested it — but it was for my friend’s little brother, not for her! He’s also talked with his little brother for hours to support and comfort him and let him know that he’s a good kid and doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment.

I asked my friend how long has he been telling his step mom that her behavior is not ok?

He said at least 2 years.

Two years of talking to her with verbal words and nothing has changed and it’s getting worse.

It clicked and I said “it seems that words aren’t hitting home for her, it’s time to change your behavior towards her.”

He looked at me sort of curious…

I said “we can’t change other people with our words or otherwise. All we can do is change OUR behavior towards them and around them. You can set a boundary with her. Boundaries aren’t about control or manipulation. They’re about the quality of interaction with other people.”

I could see it was starting to make a little more sense and he said, “you’re right, I haven’t changed my behavior, I’ve only tried talking with her.”

I said, “exactly. I think it’s time to let you know how serious you are about this and let her know that it’s gone on long enough and you can’t stand by and watch her abuse her son and your little brother anymore and set a boundary.”

He started to perk up a little bit and get hopeful about this potential solution and then started trying to figure out what to say to her.

I suggested we figure out how he’s going to change his behavior first.

I started to throw out ideas: maybe don’t spend as much time talking or interacting with her. When you visit their house, spend your time with your little brother. Or better yet, pick up your little brother and go spend the day together and don’t even interact with your step mom. When you go to visit, stay at someone else’s home in the area. Anything you can do to prove a point that she is negatively impacting her son in an abusive way and that you just can’t tolerate seeing her abuse him anymore.

I said it’s a fine line too because she isn’t doing anything to you specifically, but you are in a place where you see your little brother getting treated this way and you have to protect him and stick up for him when he’s not able to himself.

I reiterated to him, “Again, it isn’t about ignoring someone as “punishment,” it’s simply another way to communicate how much something means to you and that it hurts YOU to see it happening to someone you love and you can’t just stand by and watch.”

Then I emphasized, “but before you change any of your behavior around her, she needs to know what you’re going to do before you do it and she needs to know WHY you’re going to do it. Communicate how you feel using “I” statements, tell her what you’re going to do differently, and tell her WHY. Then DO IT and KEEP YOUR WORD!”

He understood fully and was feeling energized!

He then wanted to figure out what his “consequence” of his boundary was. When can his boundary stop? What is the timeline? What would he need to see in her behavior to see progress? Since he doesn’t live in the same household with them, how would he know if things were different?

We pondered that for a little bit, then I said, “how about you say something like, ‘unfortunately I’m not confident that things will change anytime soon because we’ve been having this same conversation for 2 years and nothing has changed, so until you’ve had 6 months straight of consistent weekly therapy on how to communicate with and discipline your son with consistent respect and no physical hitting, this is my stance.’”

He liked that a lot because he believes in the power of weekly therapy and is confident that if she address the real and underlying issues that she’ll start to change her behavior. I said, even if she tries to side-step any issues in therapy or play the victim or blame, I think the truth will come out eventually and the therapist will pick up on that. Although not all therapists are created equal, they are very astute.

I cautioned him too that his step mom is also the “gatekeeper” to his little brother and may prevent you spending time with him, but he quelled my fears and said that his dad would not allow that to happen which I was happy to hear.

I also told him to be cool as a cucumber when he states his boundary to her. The less emotion the better. If she retorts or gives excuses or says that’s a terrible idea or criticizes my friend or anything at all, I said just repeat your boundary statement again and again to get your point across, emphasizing your feelings and why this is extremely important. I told him not to engage very much. Simple, sweet, and to the point. This isn’t mean to be an argument.

Then I told him, “after that, the next step is to start living your boundary and do not waver from your stance!”

“If she comes back in a week or a month and tries to engage, simply restate your boundary in a respectful way and say, ‘I am still fully committed to what I said before and still believe everything I told you then. Please get help if you want our relationship to change.’”

I also told him to watch out for this situation and what he would say and do if after 2 or 3 months of therapy and she came to him saying that she was better and that her behavior has changed…

I told him that if he didn’t stick to his guns of 6 months, then she’d learn that he may go back on what he says, that he doesn’t keep his word.

I told him that IF he was at risk of going back on what he said, that he can reduce it to 3 or 4 months of weekly therapy for her in the beginning, make that your initial boundary. Try not to change it halfway through. I told him in this situation though, 2 or 3 months may not have the impact of changing her behavior for good.

The idea is to be 100% committed and ready to follow through on what you say you’ll do. Don’t say something you’re not willing to follow through on!

We left the conversation with my friend feeling confident and energized to try a new angle with trying to get the abuse to stop with his little brother.

His final boundary looks something like this. Notice these things to a successful boundary:

1. He’s 100% clear on his stance and is committed before talking to her at all
2. He’s communicating his boundary to her before he makes any changes in his behavior
3. His “I” statements
4. His feelings about the situation
5. His opinion about it being hard to watch and that it isn’t okay treatment
6. How he has tried talking to her for 2 years and it’s getting worse, so he has to make some changes in himself
7. His boundary about how his behavior is going to change specifically — there should be no surprises to her once he starts living his boundary
8. His “consequence” of what he’d like to see her do with a timeline and very clear goals
9. His commitment to her that if she doesn’t follow through on his consequence, that his stance will not change

“Hi step mom, as you know, I feel protective of my little brother and have expressed concern to you about how your communication and harsh discipline makes him feel upset, scared, hurt, disrespected, and angry. Myself and your other adult kids have all expressed our feelings to you about it and unfortunately it is still happening and seems to be getting worse in our opinions. That being said, I cannot stand by and watch my little brother get so hurt by you anymore and just wanted to let you know that I will not be talking with you over the phone or coming over anymore unless it is to pick him up and we’ll go spend the day together, just him and I. I feel that strongly about this that I am choosing to not engage with you anymore because it just hurts me too much what you’re doing to him. I’d feel good about reengaging with you once I am confident you can communicate and discipline him in a respectful way which would mean you’ve completed 6 straight months of consistent weekly therapy. We can revisit this once you’ve completed that, and know that if you come to me looking to engage before that time, that I’ll simply repeat what I’ve said here again and my stance will be the same.”

I am grateful that my friend has trusted us with being a safe place to share his story. I am so hopeful for him and I hope to get his permission to keep you updated on how it goes once he states his boundary to her!!!

Please join my free community of women to get added support on how to set boundaries at The Assertive Woman Community. You can post freely about certain situations and get help and support from myself and others.

And if you need more private, focused help, I offer 1:1 coaching as well. If you’re interested, start by filling out my survey HERE.

If the holidays were a source of stress and angst for your this year, here are a few others tips I was thinking about that I’d love to share for when you see them next.

Grab your free Holiday Survival Guide so you’re prepared for next year! 17 real life examples of what to do and say in the most awkward and uncomfortable situations, click HERE.

A lot of times, when we spend time with our family of origin as an adult, the same patterns that we had when we were kids emerge.

We’re all of a sudden transported back to that place of a helpless 6 year old who can’t control dad’s drinking, mom’s criticism, or our brother’s bullying.

But we’re adults now and have the freedom to choose how we respond to those situations.

We’ve learned the tools we didn’t have as kids.

So here are some additional tips for the holidays and in general:

1. Remember that your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth. Don’t let anyone else be the arbiter of your worth.
2. Decide ahead of time the things you’d like to respond to and decide to let some things go.
3. Choose to respond in the heat of the moment, not react.
4. Take that moment between being triggered and reacting and just breathe and decide how you’d like to respond.
5. Notice if any shame comes up for you and make a note to work on that in the future.
6. Be aware of your self talk. It’s not good self care to put yourself down.
7. Speak up if someone hurts you using “I” statements about how you feel, don’t blame or shame.
8. Respect yourself by removing yourself from a situation that doesn’t make you feel good.
9. Be an observer of others and if they say something that triggers you, realize the filter that those words are being filtered through are of the other person and they are projecting how they see reality onto you, which could be a very different reality. In other words, don’t take things personally.
10. The holidays may not be the best time to bring up your concerns with others because emotions are high! Plan to have a conversation with someone who hurts you a week or two later.

It’s also important to spend time with those who bring you joy!

If certain people simply don’t bring you joy, you have no obligation to spend time with them!

If you need help turning down an invitation to something you’d rather not attend, check out my free guidesheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy if you haven’t already, click HERE.

If things go awry this holiday season, remember you can always join my free community for women called The Assertive Woman Community where you can post freely about certain situations and get help and support from myself and others.

And if you need more private, focused help, I offer 1:1 coaching as well. If you’re interested, start by filling out my survey HERE.

Confidence and assertiveness are crucial to your personal safety. You probably know what confidence is and may have an idea of what assertiveness is in your head, but you may not be sure how it relates to personal safety.

First, here is how I define assertiveness. Assertiveness is your ability to know how you feel, know what you deserve, know your worth, and be able to communicate that in a calm and respectful way with those around you and even set boundaries with those that hurt you the most.

Obviously, if someone is coming at you and trying to attack you, calmly communicating how you feel and setting a boundary is not appropriate, which is why trusting your gut instinct, being aware of your surroundings, and not putting yourself into dangerous situations in the first place is KEY.

For example, having strong self care and believing you’re worthy of taking care of and protecting yourself is a belief that will prevent you from walking down a dark alley at night and make you more apt to choose to go around the neighborhood where there are street lights that light the sidewalk well.

You realize that by doing so is protecting yourself. But if you don’t believe you’re worth protecting, you’ll subconsciously think, “oh, what the heck, this way down the dark alley is faster and nothing will probably happen anyway because I’ve gone this way before.” This is when your personal safety is the most at risk.

Trusting your gut instinct is a key aspect to assertiveness and personal safety. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t, and don’t let your brain talk you out of it. Being assertive means you’re aware of your feelings and how certain people and situations affect you and make you feel. If you got a weird feeling the last time you visited a neighborhood, don’t ignore it.

Assertive women don’t put themselves in potentially dangerous situations.

It’s important to always be aware of your surroundings. Assertive women do not check their phone while they’re walking through a dark parking lot at night. They have their car keys in their hand ready to go and have their phones put away in their purse. They walk straight to their car with their head held high with a strong gait and a purpose of getting to where they’re going with confidence.

They observe any “off” or “unusual” things and don’t dismiss or deny it. If the parking lot is empty and there is a large van with no windows parked on the driver’s side of your car in a largely empty parking lot, that makes the assertive woman question and think twice about walking over to her car! Especially if there is someone sitting in the passenger seat of that van!

The assertive woman would turn right back around immediately and head to a safer, well-lit area and have someone walk with her out to her car or call the police for an escort. It is OK to call the police if you’re feeling unsafe! You are NOT a burden on them! You deserve to feel safe and cared for. Especially safe and cared for from yourself.

Of course, if someone does come at you despite you standing up tall, aware of your surroundings, and having purpose in where you’re going, look them directly in the eye, put up your hand and yell “STOP!” or “NO!” The yelling will hopefully get the attention of others as well to come to your aid. It’s also a good idea to have a safety tool ready and handy, not at the bottom of your purse where you have to rummage through to find it! (A good friend of mine Brittany Schneider has some of these safety tools for sale at her website here!)

Sometimes (as in the case of the serial killer from the 70s), men will act incapable or injured to lure women to them (using crutches, overly struggling with something, dropping things). Predators can take advantage of our naturally helpful demeanor and our quickness and willingness to help. Beware of this strategy! Assertive women are not passive when someone asks them for help! They don’t automatically run to the aid of someone who may need help if something seems off. They assess the situation immediately and if it doesn’t feel right, they do not help. They do not let guilt get in the way of their personal safety!

If something feels off about the person asking for help, an assertive woman will say how she’s feeling and what she is willing to do to protect herself. Something like “I don’t feel comfortable helping you. Let me go get someone to help you.” and she will get someone (preferably a man) to come and help. This is why gut feelings are so important. Even if you don’t get a bad gut feeling, just proceed with caution and stay aware.

Assertive women also do not date people that make them feel uncomfortable or have “red flags.” This can sometimes be harder for women to spot because maybe they grew up in a family of red flag behavior or abuse and it just feels normal and familiar to them. Some examples of red flag and unhealthy behavior are: physical hitting, biting, kicking, etc., throwing things, angry rage, name-calling, impulsivity, criticizing, character assassination (talking badly about someone’s character and who they are at the core, telling you you’re flawed in some way), stone-walling (refusing to speak to you, or responding in one word answers “uh huh,” “oh.”), cheating, lying, controlling, drug/alcohol abuse, manipulative, etc.

In a lot of domestic abuse situations, the man is typically very charming and wants to get involved and committed quickly. He then starts to be very controlling of your time, who you hang out with, may restrict you from seeing your friends and family. He may destroy your self esteem over time and call you names and make you feel like you’re not good at anything and that you can’t survive without him. This kind of relationship is potentially life threatening and has a huge impact on your personal safety. Anytime someone hurts you in any way, especially physically, that is a red flag to make changes to the relationship and your behavior towards that person.

If you are in this kind of relationship and realize it is extremely dangerous and unhealthy, take extreme precautions to plan your exit. A woman’s chances of getting killed by him go up exponentially when the man knows she is leaving or is about to leave because he has nothing left to lose. Plan your exit in secret with the aid of a local women’s shelter and have a plan. This is not something to mess around with. Once you are out, DO NOT ever go back to his place of residence for any reason.

The assertive woman recognizes all the red flags listed above and then some. She sees his wanting to get committed quickly as something to be cautious around and wary of and not as “aw how cute, he must really like me a lot!” That kind of behavior is usually just a guy trying to get you hooked so he can control you.

The assertive and confident woman sees right through that toxic behavior and looks for a man who is caring, calm, respectful, doesn’t abuse drugs/alcohol, is trustworthy and checks in with her, is respectful of her time and wishes, and someone who can communicate openly and truthfully about his feelings (this type of person DOES actually exist ladies!! Don’t let anyone tell you they don’t!).

Assertiveness and confidence is crucial to your personal safety.

If the dark stairwell gives you a creepy feeling, get someone to walk with you.

If the man coming towards you gives you an uncomfortable feeling, cross the street before you two would pass.

When you’re walking alone at night, walk with a strong gait, stand up tall, put your phone away, and walk with your keys (and safety tool if you have one!) in your hand.

If the man you just met seems overly charming, yet pushy, be aware of that and be cautious about seeing him again.

If your date gets road rage and speeds or impulsively cuts the person off, stay calm and when you get to your destination, call a friend or an Uber to take you away from him and to a safe place!

Don’t discredit your gut feelings and always be aware of how certain people and situations make you feel.

You are worthy of protecting yourself and you deserve healthy, positive, respectful treatment from others.

We build our strong self esteem by doing esteem-able acts and taking care of yourself is the foundation to strong self esteem and personal safety.

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc. Join the free Facebook group The Assertive Woman Community and head to www.theassertivewoman.com for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy.”**

Her work is amazing and she talks a lot about vulnerability and wholeheartedness.

If you’ve been following me for a few months or so you would have seen I have a necklace that reads “It’s not love until it’s vulnerable.”

Vulnerability is crucial to a healthy relationship.

And vulnerability has always been something I have struggled with.

I wasn’t surrounded with the safest of people as a kid and into adulthood. I would not pick great partners or friends and the ones I did pick usually ended up hurting me in a significant way.

So I learned to be guarded. I learned that the only person I could count on was myself.

Fast forward to today and I’m still figuring out how to flex my vulnerability muscle and discern who is safe and who isn’t.

Good and healthy relationships won’t last unless there is some vulnerability.

And being assertive is vulnerable.

Sharing how you feel is vulnerable. Setting a boundary is vulnerable. Stating that someone hurt you and you’d prefer they acted differently around you is vulnerable…

Because you’re opening yourself up. You’re making yourself vulnerable and susceptible to ridicule, anger, disappointment, rejection, abandonment, abuse.

And all that is very scary. We try to avoid the above at all costs most of the time!

But where we go astray is that if someone gets angry or disappointed that we were assertive with them, then maybe they don’t have our best interest at heart and that the problem lies with THEM and not US.

You have the right to be assertive and should have safe relationships with safe people who don’t shame you for being assertive.

And it’s up to you to protect yourself from unsafe people.

Assertiveness is vulnerable and that is how we get to see peoples’ true colors. How they respond to our vulnerability says a lot about them, doesn’t it?

Then you can realize you maybe need to set a stronger boundary, or just file away in the back of your mind that you won’t talk about certain with certain people to protect yourself.

The goal is to find safe relationships where you can say what’s on your mind and how you feel without the risk of them shaming you for it.

That’s a huge part of a healthy relationship.

So do you fully believe that it’s not love until it’s vulnerable?

If you need help identifying toxic relationships, grab my free guidesheet at my website. Step #2 is all about toxic relationships.

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc. Join the free Facebook group The Assertive Woman Community and head to www.theassertivewoman.com for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy.”**

I’ve noticed something interesting over the last few months… that society commonly thinks that “assertive” means “aggressive” which is simply not true and is not how I encourage woman to behave at all!

Assertive women are NOT aggressive. Assertive woman are not passive. We are in the middle.

We confidently know how we’d like to be treated and ask for what we want in relationships. If something isn’t working for us, we say so.

But we do it kindly. We do it with respect. We do it with empathy and compassion for others AND for ourselves.

No one said that in order to get what you want, you have to be forceful, rude, bossy, or mean.

In fact, people will respect you more if you’re a kinder, more compassionate person. And you’ll get what you want a whole lot faster and with a lot less angst!

I shared a post today on my Facebook page The Assertive Woman and it says: “You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.”

I think a lot of times, we subconsciously think that when we say “no,” we’re a cold and heartless person and feel a lot of guilt about it! But this is simply not the case and you don’t have to feel that way!

It is possible and always encouraged to have a kind heart and be a good person, obviously, and you can still say “no” because you’re a good person with a kind heart TO YOURSELF too.

No one says you have to be kind-hearted to everyone else, but yourself!

So if there is someone who is pushing their limits with you or not respecting your boundaries, it is 100% okay and appropriate to say “no” or “stop” or some other relevant phrase.

This is especially important in times of your physical safety. Don’t try to be kind to someone who could be dangerous! Always trust your gut instinct.

So the key to assertiveness is to communicate how you feel in a respectful and kind way, and realize that you are a good person with a kind heart even if you say “no” sometimes

What do you think?

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc. Join the free Facebook group The Assertive Woman Community and head to www.theassertivewoman.com for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy.”**

Do you ever catch yourself being passive aggressive??

I do! Haha!

I wasn’t always an assertive woman and some old patterns, behaviors, and tendencies still shine through sometimes. Nowadays, I notice it, acknowledge it, and try to change it.

Passive aggressive behavior has been on my mind for some reason and I thought I’d take a minute and share some concrete examples of each style of communication. I didn’t know the differences before really at all, but I’m glad I’m more aware of them now.

There are four primary methods of communication: assertive, passive, aggressive, and passive aggressive.

Assertive: verbally expressing your feelings, wants, needs, and desires in a confident, clear, direct, respectful, self affirming way that doesn’t seek to hurt others.

For example: “I’m feeling tired right now, do you mind if we reschedule our meeting to tomorrow, same place, same time?” “When you arrived after the time we agreed to meet without calling or texting, I felt disregarded. Can you let me know in advance if you will be late?” “I’m not following what you’re saying, can you please explain it again, speaking a little more slowly and clearly?”

Passive: not expressing your needs and feelings at all due to a low regard for yourself or that you don’t deserve to be heard. May withdraw, isolate from others, do things you don’t want to do. Can’t say “no,” needs approval of others. May feel powerless, have weak boundaries, and will tolerate bad behavior from others.

For example: “Sure, since you asked, here is $2,000 even though I have a lot of debt I am trying to pay off, but I can’t say “no” even if it hurts me in the long run.” “Okay, I guess I will do that for you.” “Yeah, you got evicted from your old apartment, so you can stay here for a week (even though my spouse won’t like it) while you get back on your feet.”

Aggressive: hostile word choice, raising your voice and yelling, using threats, manipulating, using guilt, being overbearing and dominating, abuse of power. More concerned with the self and has a lack of how your behavior affects others (or lack of caring). Can use name-calling and swearing to induce fear and get others to concede and conform.

For example: “If you say that one more time, I’ll come over there and you’ll be sorry!” “I’ll knock you into next week if your dog poops on my lawn one more time!” “This is what we’re doing and I don’t care if you don’t like it, you’re going to do it anyway!” “Well woop-de-do, you think you’re soo cool and guess what! You’re not! You’re scum!”

Passive aggressive: purposefully doing something that you know is hurtful to others, but in a covert or hidden way, or in a way that would make people question if you were not aware of what what you were doing or if you purposely intended to hurt them. Using sarcasm as humor, but with an underpinning of truth that can be hurtful. Denying your anger and denying that people hurt you. You don’t share your true feelings to the person’s face, but will then gossip about them behind their backs.

For example: “She was late last time, so I’m going to purposely take a nap and run some errands and then show up late too just so she knows how it feels.” “I’m mad at her right now so I’m going to send everyone else a birthday card in the mail except her to teach her a lesson.” “Fine, I’ll help you with setting up this huge ordeal, but I’m going to order to wrong flavor, get the wrong type of napkins, and tell everyone the wrong time on accident and sabotage it as much as I can, oops, better not ask me next time to help.”

Does this help clarify the different types of communication?

What is your primary style?

Know that assertiveness is ALWAYS the answer.

There really is not an inappropriate time to be assertive.

It is a way of being.

Passivity, aggression, and manipulative passive-aggressiveness really don’t have a place in your life if you want to have fulfilling relationships. There are simply better ways of communicating and relating.

Healthy people who are assertive most of the time can see the other three behaviors so easily in others because they stand out like a sore thumb and are so obvious once you know more effective ways.

Do you ever find yourself being passive aggressive? Aggressive? Passive?

Those ways of relating must be serving you in some way (you wouldn’t act or communicate that way if they didn’t).

If you’re not okay with how your relationships are or if you’re not happy, keep striving to learn how to bring more assertiveness into your life.

Your relationships will thank you later.

Email me with questions if you have any ❤

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc. Join the free Facebook group The Assertive Woman Community and head to www.theassertivewoman.com for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy.”**

“The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you.”

There it is. That’s it. That’s my biggest heartbreak.

Can you relate at all?

In my early years of romantic relationships, I made a lot of mistakes (didn’t we all!).

Before I realized why I did the things I did, I would behave purely according to how I felt. And I wasn’t behaving in an assertive way, let me tell you! Emotions will make us do crazy things…

If I felt someone pulling away, I would grasp tighter.

If I was feeling abandoned, I would wait and wait and refuse to be the first to reach out and call or text… and then I would get angry when they did call and demand an answer for why they didn’t call me sooner! (Talk about teaching people how to treat us! That probably taught them NOT to call at all!).

After a conflict or argument, I would “test” people to see if I was worthy enough for them to follow me and make amends (even if I was in the wrong). Talk about passive aggressive…

I would push people away and then wonder in anguish why they weren’t coming after me. It was a sad sad state of being. And I felt sad a lot of the time. It was very painful.

I actually dated a guy once because he literally ran after my car as I started to drive away. I stopped the car because no one had ever done that for me before!! That intrigued me. I didn’t find him especially attractive or interesting, but we dated for quite a while because he actually cared. That was all that mattered.

And here’s what I learned from all this heartbreak:

You stop attracting certain people when you heal the part of you that once needed them.

Once I was able to heal the part of me that didn’t feel worthy or good enough, I wouldn’t date the guys that would abandon me anymore.

I wouldn’t commit my time to the people that would just let me walk out of their life without a fight.

I think the quote at the beginning should be written more like this: “It’s easy to walk away from the people that abandon you, disrespect you, leave you, and abuse you. You don’t want or need them in your life anyway. If they don’t put up a fight to keep you, let them go and strive to find the people who will.”

That being said, we still have a responsibility in this arrangement to keep our side of the street clean and communicate and behave in a respectful way with everyone.

We can’t just feel entitled to be brats and then when people walk away, say “fine, leave” passively aggressively… That isn’t cool.

It’s so important to learn how to calmly express how you feel, instead of storming out in a huff while you wait for them to come after you.

It’s important to check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling and keep taking your emotional temperature (and excuse yourself if needed) to avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.

It’s crucial to know that you’re worthy of good treatment, from yourself and others, simply because you’re alive. Everyone has that right.

Our responsibility is to learn how to communicate kindly with others and to know ourselves best and what we deserve and to heal from abandonment and shame.

Do you have a similar story? Care to be vulnerable and share?

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc. Join the free Facebook group The Assertive Woman Community and head to www.theassertivewoman.com for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy.”**

And it’s really important to know what that difference is because both these emotions manifest so differently in our lives!

If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you have probably heard me describe the difference between guilt and shame in a nutshell…

Guilt is an emotion you feel when you think to yourself “I did something bad.” It is what you feel when you think you have caused harm or suffering to someone else in some way (whether or not you actually have).

This is a normal feeling of remorse if you’ve made a mistake and can a lot of times be remedied by making amends or by vowing not to commit the same act in the future. (phew that was easy…)

Another type of guilt I see a lot is when you feel guilty because you feel you’re not doing enough for other people and you think that you should always do more. You are a professional “helper” and do things for everyone else around you and can never do enough. You may even say “yes” to things that cause overwhelm or burn you out because you feel guilty about saying “no.”

The important thing about this kind of guilt is to make sure you’re helping from a genuine place and not out of fear that you’ll feel guilty if you don’t. Helping from a place of guilt is not good self care and will only drain you further which defeats the purpose of helping in the first place.

You cannot serve from an empty vessel so fill yourself up first!!

Shame, on the other hand, is an emotion you feel when you think to yourself “I am bad.” This is a deep-rooted emotion that comes from a place of unworthiness or dishonor (and usually begins in childhood).

Shame can make you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy or to have good things or that you deserve abuse in some way and don’t deserve to be forgiven or loved.

Shame is insidious and can lead to unfulfilling and dis-empowering life decisions if left untreated. It can even lead you down the path of enduring more abuse which can be a vicious cycle (ask me how I know…)!

If you feel ashamed, you won’t believe you deserve to take care of yourself, limit or remove toxic relationships in your life, or that you have the right to set boundaries. You’ll feel that it’s okay that people abuse or manipulate you.

If you feel ashamed, unworthy, not good enough, or that you don’t deserve good things or kind treatment, I strongly strongly encourage you to begin to work through the journey of healing. Life is too short to feel shitty all the time and that’s no way to live. (Let me know if you need additional resources on this.)

The goal of being an assertive woman is to get to a feeling of strong self esteem, worthiness, and confidence in expressing how you feel and what you need.

An assertive woman believes she has the right to having her feelings heard, acknowledged, and respected.

She understands what her needs are and how to meet them for herself and kindly request others to meet them as well.

She realizes that it’s okay to set boundaries with others by verbally communicating in a calm and respectful way, free from aggression, passivity, or contempt.

These beliefs are the foundation to assertiveness and it’s harder to embody the communication skills of assertiveness when the roadblocks of guilt and shame are still present.

It is recommended to start building your assertiveness skills while also healing from shame and guilt becomes they complement each other and are almost one in the same. Once you start to believe you deserve to be treated well, the skills of speaking up and communicating clearly will come almost naturally.

You can also fake it til you make it if you need to(!), which can be a good strategy at first, but it will be like holding your breath until you get the guilt and shame to a manageable place.

Just remember, assertiveness comes from a place of worthiness and from a place of “I matter.”

So do you believe that you matter?

**The Assertive Woman is an online resource designed to help women strengthen their assertiveness in their personal relationships (such as friendships, family, and romantic relationships). We explore having strong self-care, identifying toxic relationships, how to set boundaries, what it means to be assertive and the differences between passivity and aggression, how to ask for what you want, how to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, etc. Join the free Facebook group The Assertive Woman Community and head to www.theassertivewoman.com for a free guide sheet on How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty or Bossy.”**