The Jacksonville Jaguars square off against the Los Angeles Chargers on Wild Card Weekend. This epic clash of two future star quarterbacks is also a rematch of an ugly week three game. Jacksonville handed the Chargers their worst loss of the season on that day. Will Los Angeles get their revenge, or are the Jaguars poised for a playoff run?

Last Time On: Jaguars vs. Chargers

Trevor Lawrence was dealing in week three, connecting on touchdown passes to all three of his main wide receivers. James Robinson also had a big day, which is our first notable difference in this matchup. While Robinson is no longer there, Travis Etienne has grown into the lead role and will look to exploit the Chargers’ defense similarly.

Kev Nivek on Twitter: "Trevor Lawrence's best plays from 3-TD game | Week 3 | Jacksonville Jaguars https://t.co/PePZbHA8zd via @YouTube / Twitter"

Trevor Lawrence's best plays from 3-TD game | Week 3 | Jacksonville Jaguars https://t.co/PePZbHA8zd via @YouTube

It may be more challenging this time around, with the Jaguars missing the left side of their offensive line. Left guard Ben Bartch and left tackle Cam Robinson are both on injured reserve.

The Chargers are much healthier than they were in week three. On top of that, Austin Ekeler has been much more effective since struggling earlier in the season. Keenan Allen was a major absence in their last matchup, and Justin Herbert has elevated his game down the stretch.

With all of this in mind, perhaps it’s best to forget about week three when it comes to the Wild Card Matchup. As you can see, a lot can change in three months.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Los Angeles Chargers: Offensive Matchups

Wide Receivers and Tight Ends

Both teams have talented groups, with the Chargers having the best player in the bunch and the Jaguars featuring more depth from top to bottom. Allen is back, but the Chargers might be without Mike Williams, which would mean Josh Palmer and DeAndre Carter need to step up.

Jacksonville has the edge at tight end. Evan Engram has been great, catching 73 passes this season, the third most on the team. Christian Kirk, Zay Jones, and Marvin Jones Jr. each average a first down per catch.

Kev Nivek on Twitter: "The #Jaguars are second in the league in defending running backs in the passing game. They have solid corners and Williams might be out for the #Chargers. Keep an eye on those Gerald Everett props. #Jags are 30th on the league in covering TEs. pic.twitter.com/fNAkDH67vC / Twitter"

The #Jaguars are second in the league in defending running backs in the passing game. They have solid corners and Williams might be out for the #Chargers. Keep an eye on those Gerald Everett props. #Jags are 30th on the league in covering TEs. pic.twitter.com/fNAkDH67vC

Advantage: Jacksonville Jaguars

Running Backs

Etienne has been solid for Jacksonville on the ground, rushing for 1,125 yards on over five yards per carry. He hasn’t had the impact that many expected from him in the passing game. Jamychal Hasty has contributed on that front with 20 receptions out of the backfield.

On the contrary, Austin Ekeler was the Chargers’ best passing option throughout the year. Although fourth on the team in yards, Ekeler passed all pass catchers with 107 receptions this season. He fell short of 1,000 yards rushing for the season, but there is no doubt that Ekeler is a problem for opposing defenses; however Los Angeles decides to get him the ball.

Advantage: Los Angeles Chargers

Quarterback

These two quarterbacks are part of the NFL’s bright future at the position, and frankly, it isn’t easy to pick a favorite between the two. Looking at the stats, you’ll find that despite Lawrence’s well-deserved praise for his accuracy, Herbert completed a higher percentage of his passes while throwing 115 more. Both threw 25 touchdowns, while Herbert threw 10 interceptions to Lawrence’s eight. He also threw for 626 more yards.

Kev Nivek on Twitter: "Who is going to have a better #NFLPlayoffs debut? #DUUUVAL #BoltUp #Jaguars #Chargers #NFL / Twitter"

Who is going to have a better #NFLPlayoffs debut? #DUUUVAL #BoltUp #Jaguars #Chargers #NFL

Both players are great, but Herbert has done a bit more with less due to the injuries around him.

Advantage: Los Angeles Chargers

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Los Angeles Chargers: Defensive Matchups

Nothing is easy this week. These teams are right next to each other in the defensive rankings when it comes to yards allowed. The Chargers give up just under two more yards per game at 259.3. Jacksonville gives up 23.8 points per game, giving Los Angeles the advantage (23.)

Ultimate Sports & Entertainment on Twitter: "Rayshawn Jenkins & Josh Allen Collab ON A CLUTCH FUMBLE RETURN TD! pic.twitter.com/pwCMfNVM24 / Twitter"

Rayshawn Jenkins & Josh Allen Collab ON A CLUTCH FUMBLE RETURN TD! pic.twitter.com/pwCMfNVM24

Neither defense is great, but the Jaguars’ defense has been opportunistic, showing on multiple occasions that they can seal a game with a big play. The Cowboys’ and Titans’ games both swayed on enormous plays from the defense. Look for Rayshawn Jenkins and Foyesade Oluokun to lead the way. Oluokun leads the league in total tackles with 184.

Advantage: Jacksonville Jaguars

Final Word: Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Los Angeles Chargers

Some of you may know this, but there are those of us that saw this whole Jags run coming. It’s too late to turn back now. It’s party time in Duval. The Jaguars are moving on to the divisional round.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Los Angeles Chargers Wild Card Preview was originally published in Bite-Size Sports on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers faced off in an overtime battle fitting of their historic rivalry. Here’s what you missed and what it means for both teams.

A Wild Ride

The Celtics jumped out to an early lead, getting offense from nearly all of their starters. Anthony Davis started out cold for the Lakers, who went into the first-period break with a 13-point deficit. Things were closer in the second quarter, with Boston only winning by two this time. The Celtics looked to be in control as they took a 15-point lead into halftime.

It was more of the same early in the second half, with an incredibly difficult floater from Tatum seemingly seeling it in the middle of the third period. With a 20-point lead, it was certain to be the Celtics’ night.

Bite-Size Sports on Twitter: "How do you stop that? #NBA #Celtics #Lakers pic.twitter.com/wyjYS6q4pi / Twitter"

How do you stop that? #NBA #Celtics #Lakers pic.twitter.com/wyjYS6q4pi

Then the Lakers went on a 25–4 run over the span of nine and a half minutes, giving them a lead with eight minutes left in the fourth. Down the stretch, it was a two-fronted battle as Davis and LeBron James couldn’t be stopped, but then again, neither could Tatum or Jaylen Brown. The teams went back and forth, trading big offensive blows.

The Final Minutes of the Fourth

The Lakers made a couple of crucial mistakes in one series of possessions with 6:30 remaining in the fourth. With an eight-point lead, Russell Westbrook lost the ball under the basket, leading to a four-on-one fast break for Boston. Austin Reaves compounded this mistake for Los Angeles by committing a light foul on Tatum and turning the layup into an and-one. This was a five-point swing at the wrong time, but the Lakers would bounce back and inevitably get the lead back to eight with only 2:38 left in regulation.

That’s when Tatum hit another dagger from three, a stepback over Davis, cutting the lead to five. Two minutes later, he hits another clutch jumper, this time, a baseline fadeaway of James to tie the game at 108. LeBron would miss the go-home three from 27 feet, and the game would go into overtime.

Tatum Ties the Game Against the Lakers

The Lakers’ Offense Loses Steam in Overtime

The Lakers’ offense looked out of sorts in overtime. It was Westbrook and Reaves taking the majority of the shots early on. Davis didn’t attempt a shot in overtime until there was just over a minute left to play. A Grant Williams three put the Celtics up 115–114. Brown and Tatum would make sure that lead held as they put the game on ice, scoring Boston’s final seven points en route to the 122–118 victory.

Stars of the Game

Tatum had 44 points tonight in another jaw-dropping performance. Davis and James were impressive as well, scoring 37 and 33 points, respectively. Brown was the next highest-scoring Celtic with 25.

Bite-Size Sports on Twitter: "Tatum is filthy. pic.twitter.com/rpgmioXhSV / Twitter"

Tatum is filthy. pic.twitter.com/rpgmioXhSV

These two teams don’t face off again until January 28th, so it will be interesting to look back on this matchup then.

Kev Nivek is an author, editor, and podcast host covering the NBA, the NFL, and college basketball. When he’s not covering sports, he’s writing short sci-fi horror, hiking in the hills, or firing up a steak on his state-of-the-art charcoal grill. You can find all of his projects here.

Tatum Outduels Davis as Celtics Win in Overtime was originally published in Bite-Size Sports on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The Northman was a trip. Literally. This movie is an acid trip. Well, technically, it's a mushroom trip. On that note, let's get a quick SPOILER ALERT out of the way. If you be a two-legged dog that hasn't watched this film yet, then escape this cave and come back when ye are a man.

What is The Northman?

This Scandinavian folk tale is Hamlet. Or, as a quick google search will confirm, Hamlet is based on this tale. Amleth, our protagonist, predates Hamlet as a prince of Denmark. So if you are familiar with Shakespeare or the Lion King, a full-on plot summary would be about as much of a waste of your time as it is mine. So let's not, eh? Okay, I can't get into some criticism without it, so let's speed-run this summary.

Story Time

Amleth starts as a young boy hanging out with his dad, Ethan Hawke. Big E is the King, and he takes his boy Amleth into some weird-ass cave where Willem Dafoe is hanging out. One of many eerily trippy scenes plays out as the King, and his son are worked into a rabid frenzy by Dafoe, the local shaman. These spiritual, fantastic scenes are just that fantastic. The audio work adds so much to the creepy factor in the music, sound, and vocal effects.

Back to the lecture at hand, Amleth, and King Hawke climb out of this cave after a ritual where the boy sheds his 'last tear.' Once outside, the King is straight-wrecked by a bunch of dudes in wolf's fur (this will be a theme). Upon the big reveal, we see that Fjolnir, the King's brother, has orchestrated the murder. Fjolnir orders his flock to bring him the head of Amleth. The young buck slices off some scumbags nose and slinks off to his house, which is so dumb. I know he's a scared little kid, but your uncle just killed your dad and demanded that you be killed. Don't you think your house might be the first place he looks? Never mind me, though.

Amleth survives, but before he escapes, he sees his mother carried off into the street, kicking and screaming as Fjolnir lays her down on the road. Little Ammy steals a boat, promising to avenge his father and save his mother with each row.

Cut to the future. Amleth is a badass wolf warrior now. Another crazy trip has a shaman firing these dudes up before they slay a whole village. We see that Amleth is no sucker; this dude is yoked. So there we go, badass protagonist established.

A Brief Lore Detour

Join me for another quick aside, as this plot point is one of the significant differences in Robert Eggers' version of this tale. In the old myths, Amleth survived his father's murder and lived with his uncle and mother by pretending to be insane. It is later in life that his uncle calls for his death by sending him to Britain, and it is then that Amleth comes home for his revenge. It is apparent in the myths that Amleth navigates his hero's journey using his cunning rather than his might. While Eggers' version of the character is clever, his brute strength allows him to pursue his fate.

Back to the story, Amleth learns that the slaves his clan has taken in are being sent to an island up north. The former King Fjolnir has been cast out and now runs a much smaller plot of land. Amleth disguises himself as a slave and rides off to the island. He is, of course, selected to work closely with the family, where he sees his mother and two half-brothers by his uncle's side. Amleth meets Olga, a fellow slave with the powers of a witch. Played by Anya Taylor-Joy, Olga plays a more prominent role in this story than Amleth's lovers in the myth. She also works to solve some of the problems Amleth runs into with her witchcraft and cunning.

Nordic Power Couple

Amleth and Olga devise a plan to terrorize Fjolnir slowly before eventually killing him. As part of this plan, Amleth sneaks into his mother's room to tell her that he is alive and here to save her from her captor. There is a huge plot twist here as mama Gudrun destroys Amleth's life in a few quick sentences. She shows Amleth her brand, telling her son she was a slave to his father. She had no love for the man and was the one to orchestrate the murder from the beginning. To make matters more disgusting, she tells Amleth that she will become his queen if he kills his uncle and brothers. Then she open-mouth kissed the dude, and I did a legitimate spit take in the theater.

So Amleth says, 'fuck that noise,' and rushes out without his mother. He continues his spree and kills off his uncle's oldest son, which finally sets Fjolnir into a rage, murdering slaves on a whim until Amleth comes out of the shadows like a badass. Well, he loses the fight and gets captured. A flock of ravens flies into the barn he's being held in and cuts Amleth free.

Supernatural Sidekicks

Time for another sidebar. I've skipped over several instances of what we will call 'divine intervention' in this plot. This is mainly for brevity, but a movie review or essay should not serve as a replacement for the movie itself. So to keep it moving, I'll say this. There are several 'ex-Machina' moments where our hero is suddenly in the realm of the gods. The prophecy says that Amleth is fated to kill his uncle in a lake of fire, and the gods seem to guide him in that direction throughout the film.

He speaks to eyeless 'seers' (played by Bjork, no less), fights a zombie to acquire a sword, and is now being saved by ravens. The raven bit calls back to King Ethan Hawke, who I had way too much fun with earlier to provide a proper introduction.

Hawke's character in this movie is named 'King Aurvandil War-Raven. So now you probably get it. There are several scenes where ravens act oddly amongst the humans and often harass Fjolnir's household. If you aren't picking up what I'm laying down, the ravens are the spirit of Hawke here to aid his son.

And Now, The Rest of the Story

So the ravens free Amleth, and he has another acid trip with a valkyrie taking his dead ass to Valhalla. When he wakes up, he finds out that it was actually Olga who saved his very much alive ass and is now looking for some hot tub lovin'. The two bang it out, and Amleth is reminded of something else that was foretold. He would have to choose between protecting his kin and having his vengeance.

Olga convinces him they can escape their fate, and the two lovers steal a boat captained for Fjolnir's dead son. As they sail off into the sunset for a happily ever after, Amleth kisses a wound on Olga's neck and is again granted a vision of twin children, one becoming the future monarch. Olga confirms that she is indeed pregnant. Believing that Fjolnir will not rest until Amleth dies, he abandons his love on the boat, swimming back while ordering the ship's captain to take Olga to safety.

An Epic Ending?

At last, we are at the final battle. Remember when I said this would be quick? I blame you.

We get a faithful retelling of Obi-Wan vs. Anakin on Mustafar. But seriously, this sword fight on the peak of an active volcano is pretty damn cool. Even if both dudes are naked. Look, you probably think this is relatively dumb, and honestly, I did, too, when I saw it. However, I would bet that this 'fight me naked to prove who the best man is' thing kind of holds up with that culture in that period.

After a dumb climax where Fjolnir wins the fight but stands there for what felt like 10 minutes waiting for Amleth to muster the strength to put together one final flurry, it ends in an epic stalemate as both men die. As he fades, Amleth hears the voice of his love. Olga tells him that the three of them are safe now, and Amleth can take his ride with the valkyrie this time.

Analysis of The Northman

Fin. Well, god damn, that was a lot. I've mentioned many aspects of this film that I enjoyed, but to restate them quickly, the film is beautiful. It is mostly dark (both in visuals and in theme), which helps make the CGI aspects look much more realistic. The music is excellent. It's creepy most of the time, but it sets the scenery well. Half of the CGI-boss fights with the gods were as good as they were because of the music and vocal effects.

The writing was good. These ancient dialogues, with their thick accents, can cover poorly delivered lines, so even when the lines aren't great, you can't tell because you aren't sure what Willem Dafoe just said anyway. The cast is excellent. I was surprised to see some big names that only get a little screen time in this movie. Skarsgard and Taylor-joy were solid in their roles, and I loved Claes Bang's work as Fjolnir.

No movie is perfect, and this one has its share of flaws like any other. While I enjoyed the story overall, it did feature a few plot conveniences and logic-defying decisions. I thought the ending would go a different route, with a potential lesson about how Amleth controlled his fate by choice. However, I came into this movie blind and had no idea of the source material until about 15 minutes in when I saw the uncle kill dad and steal mom. In hindsight, this ending fits the tragedies often told in that era, with the lessons to be learned from the hero's shortcomings.

Final Thoughts and Grade for The Northman

Overall, this film walks the line between an artistic think piece and a typical summer action flick. Eggers' directing style makes films a lot of fun to experience. I give this an 8/10. I enjoyed it and will probably buy this blu-ray eventually.

Now, begone dogs. Leave me to my studies, lest I call upon Fenrir to drink your blood on the battlefield. Wait, can I even say that? Is that going to mess up monetization?

Kev Nivek is an author, editor, and podcast host covering the NBA, the NFL, and college basketball. When he's not covering sports, he's writing short sci-fi horror, hiking in the hills, or firing up a steak on his state-of-the-art charcoal grill. You can find all of his projects here.

The Northman: A Twist on a Classic Tale was originally published in Criticult on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

That’s right, folks, this is no clickbait. After over three decades of being at odds over virtually every detail of the wrestling business, Jim Cornette and Vince Russo finally agree on something. Before diving into what that is, let’s set the scene.

All-Elite Drama

For those unfamiliar with the situation, CM Punk and The Elite, consisting of Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks, got into a locker room confrontation after the ALL Out Pay Per View post-press conference in September.

SW on Twitter: "CM PUNK is SHOOTING in the #ALLOUT post press conference pic.twitter.com/ceTrr31LVo / Twitter"

CM PUNK is SHOOTING in the #ALLOUT post press conference pic.twitter.com/ceTrr31LVo

Punk has not appeared in AEW since the incident. However, The Elite recently returned to action in the Full Gear PPV. They took on Death Triangle for the AEW Trios titles.

All Elite Wrestling on Twitter: "#TheELITE are BACK!!!@youngbucks @KennyOmegamanX Watch #AEWFullGear LIVE on PPV right now🔗https://t.co/ufkkXQTkk6 pic.twitter.com/uE8VrR04eb / Twitter"

TheELITE are BACK!!!@youngbucks @KennyOmegamanX Watch #AEWFullGear LIVE on PPV right now🔗https://t.co/ufkkXQTkk6 pic.twitter.com/uE8VrR04eb

Making a Mockery of CM Punk

On an episode of AEW Dynamite on November 23rd, 2022, both Matt Jackson and Omega mocked CM Punk in front of the Chicago crowd.

The Elite again took on Death Triangle in the second match in a best-of-seven for the Trios Championship. Kenny Omega, who had recently asked fans to ‘let it go’ in an interview with Sports Illustrated, first mocked the ‘best in the world’ by hitting Punk’s GTS finisher on PAC.

Lusitanic on Twitter: "KENNY OMEGA MOCKS CM PUNK IN CHICAGO - #AEWDynamite 11/23/2022Full Video: https://t.co/DPnTA6vbBA pic.twitter.com/fQv3C31oDz / Twitter"

KENNY OMEGA MOCKS CM PUNK IN CHICAGO - #AEWDynamite 11/23/2022Full Video: https://t.co/DPnTA6vbBA pic.twitter.com/fQv3C31oDz

Omega would later get in a shot at former AEW employee Ace Steel, who allegedly bit Omega in the locker room scrum. The former AEW World Champion bit PAC on the arm during the match. Matt Jackson got his digs in when he flubbed a buckshot lariat, mocking the two that Punk botched in a match against Hangman Page.

Additionally, footage from the YouTube Channel Being The Elite appears to show the Bucks encouraging a small group of fans committed to a ‘Fuck CM Punk’ Chant. Although, to be fair, both Jacksons were equally encouraging of any ‘Fuck the Elite’ chants, so that last bit of ‘evidence’ is circumstantial at best.

The Darkest Timeline: A Cornette-Russo Alliance

Some believe that CERN has created a black hole, sucking the earth into an alternate dimension. They reason that this theory can explain phenomena such as the Mandela Effect. If that is true, we have indeed entered the darkest timeline. The actions of three AEW EVPs on the night before Thanksgiving have caused enemies to break bread at the same philosophical table.

Jim Cornette and Vince Russo agree on one thing. This trolling is terrible for business.

Cornette would say this about The Elite’s in-ring behavior on episode 459 of The Jim Cornette Experience with his cohost Brian Last.

“And here Tony is letting these fucking little pampered smug nitwits who are constantly in need of having their pussies powdered inflame and instigate a fucking guy who does not like being disrespected publicly to begin with, before the out is done and the ink is dry. So, again the more they do this, the more they try to piss Punk off. All he’s got to do is say, OK fuck it, I’ll file this lawsuit, and then he’s got a lot of people’s balls in his fucking hands, and there’s a lot of shit that they ain’t going to want to fucking hear getting out in public that’s going to get out in public.” — Jim Cornette

Russo wasn’t quite as colorful with his comments on the situation, but he made his stance equally transparent on the Wrestling Outlaws Podcast with EC3 and Dr. Chris.

“Let’s be honest, number one; they’re freaking children…They’re Executive Vice Presidents of the company. They’re supposed to be the three guys that everybody in the company should look up to, and they’re acting like 12-year-olds, bro. And they’re Executive Vice Presidents, bro.” — Vince Russo

Is it All a Work?

Some have speculated that this open mockery could mean that this is all an elaborate angle, setting up a rivalry upon Punk’s return. While Tony Khan and AEW were able to blend the lines of reality in the recent MJF contract angle, I would be shocked to find that this is a work.

Cornette had this to say when asked if he thought there was a chance that The Elite’s antics were setting up a storyline.

“It would be business. If they had that lined up, laid out, then all of this would be perfectly acceptable. And wishful thinking would indicate that everybody would want to see that, right? Oh yeah, everybody gets back together. We have this big program that draws all kinds of money. But what you are overlooking is the fact that these fucking douchebags don’t want to draw money. They don’t want anybody to jeopardize their position, their company, their revolution, their movement. If anybody gets over or is more important than them or shows people that their wrestling is shit and that people still in larger numbers react to shit they can understand, that’s bad.” — Jim Cornette

The Illinois Screw Job

This name isn’t as catchy as Montreal, but the point remains. With the post-event press conference at All Out and the subsequent mocking of the Second City Saint in his hometown, this ‘Screw Job’ could have had the same impact as the one in 1997. Imagine the crowds if these two rivals settled their differences in the ring after a long build-up. Instead, we were left with the AEW crowd again chanting about a wrestler that isn’t on the show instead of the ones in the ring.

Kev Nivek is an author, editor, and podcast host covering the NBA, the NFL, and college basketball. When he’s not covering sports, he’s writing short sci-fi horror, hiking in the hills, or firing up a steak on his state-of-the-art charcoal grill. You can find all of his projects here.

Hell Has Frozen Over: These AEW Stars Have Cornette and Russo in Agreement was originally published in Bite-Size Sports on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is an enigma. The action-comedy starring Nicolas Cage as Nic Cage was nothing like I expected it to be, yet at the same time, it was everything that I could have hoped it would be. If only I weren’t such a pessimistic scrub. Make no mistake, this movie isn’t City of God or anything, but it was surprisingly fun and well-paced. I had the luxury of watching this at my local cinema’s $5 night, so I feel like I got a steal on this one. Makes up for all of those times I paid to watch The Matrix Revolutions.

Spoiler alert incoming. Before we go any further, let me say that you should give this a watch. It’s a goofy, self-indulgent comedy that is admittedly much more enjoyable to people who are familiar with Cage’s previous roles. If you’re getting out, get out now. While we won’t dive in and give this a proper review, there will be spoilers.

Let’s begin by pointing out what should be obvious; if you are not a fan of Nic Cage and his filmography, you may find this significantly less funny than the rest of us. As my uncle, Kendrick would say “Carry the Hell On.”

STORY

This movie begins by building the background for a cliche action-comedy hero. A down on his luck, divorced dad trying desperately to rekindle his marriage and connect with a moody teenager. It’s a tale as old as time, but this time, it’s Nic Cage. This is a perfect example of what this film does well. Nothing about this movie is groundbreaking, nearly everything it does has been done before. It’s just done differently in this movie. And done with Nic fuckin Cage.

Early on we meet Nicky, a younger version of Cage that seems to dominate his decision-making. This little bastard is responsible for a few meme-worthy moments, but other than that isn’t a huge factor in the film. He is oddly thrown into the climax, which is a tad-on-the-nose way of showing the real Nic Cage’s character arc coming to a resolution. It wasn’t great and this message could have been done a hundred different ways, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s finish setting the table.

So Cage doesn’t get the gig of his dreams that will finally bring him back baby (not that he ever left). He proceeds to get drunk and ruin his daughter’s sweet 16. Finally, at rock bottom, our hero, who I forgot to mention passed on a weird $1 million birthday gig earlier in act one, finally succumbs to his situation and accepts the deal of a lifetime. $1 million to go to Spain for some weird dude’s birthday.

Surprise, surprise, the guy with enough money to hire (and overpay) celebrities to pretend to like him on his birthday is a drug kingpin. The CIA agents tracking the Mandalorian in Spain recognize Cage and a plot is hatched to have the actor stay at Javi’s compound until he can find a recently kidnapped girl. She’s the president’s daughter or some shit, there is this whole spy-thriller aspect to what I am considering to be the side-plot of the movie. Watch this movie and tell me that the bromance between Cage and his new best friend isn’t story A. Where was I?

Ah yes, Cage joins the mission, hilarity ensues, yata yata yata. The only problem is, that Castor Troy himself has made a huge mistake in this process. He fell in love with the mark. Ok, not in the James Bond kinda way (unfortunately) but Javi becomes the kind of friend that Cage has always wanted. The ploy to stay on the compound to help Javi with his movie turns into a real relationship.

Things get weird when Javi flies Cage’s family in an admittedly convenient scenario. You mean this millionaire idiot really convinced his friend’s ex-wife and daughter that the man was sick so they could drop everything and fly to Spain on a terrified whim. Who needs enemies am I right?

Wrong, because these two actually have enemies in this situation. Javi’s cousin, who is played as some funny but frightening goon early in the film, is actually the brains of the operation and he’s onto Ghost Rider’s scheme. Turns out Javi is the frontman for his super evil cousin, which doesn’t absolve the guy of his sins or anything but the movie kinda wants you to think that based on how this ends. Regardless, Javi is told he must kill Cage and the CIA tells Nic that he has to kill Javi if he wants to get his family home. This plot convenience is met by another as the former friends thankfully suck at killing and talk to each other long enough to discover the truth.

Now if you didn’t expect this movie’s third act to take a Batman v Superman, Godzilla-Kong style team-up turn, then I have an incredible investment opportunity for you.

So the good guys face their demons and conquer them, kill the bad guys, and everyone goes home. Cage gets his family back, and we find out that Javi made his movie after all, because we were just watching it. A little tropic thunder-esque ending situation.

ANALYSIS

The bulk of this movie’s comedy comes from references to Cage’s previous work. That shouldn’t be a problem for most because if you don’t at least ironically love the man’s movies, you really shouldn’t be there. Pedro does a great job as Javi, I think the two leads had great chemistry. They played the acid scene quite believably, or so I’m told. I liked the entire cast really. Virtually everyone gets at least a few one-liners in and more impressively, they all seemed to chew the scenery well. I especially liked the Fruit Loops scene, bouncing back from tense to funny in a nice rhythm.

In my opinion, this movie does a good job overall with the pacing and injection of comedy into the action. It isn’t trying to be an epic film and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. This makes it easier to enjoy these jokes even when they break up the tension in a scene. We all know the stakes aren’t that high, to begin with here. This isn’t End Game or like a Star Wars sequel people waited over a decade for. It’s Nic fuckin Cage dude, it’s gonna get goofy.

The movie isn’t perfect though, as I stated, it can be paint-by-numbers at times as for as the plot and story structure goes. But they disguise this pretty well with the antics of Pablo, Cage, and Nicky. The story is easy and the writing isn’t Shakespeare, but if you are looking to laugh for two hours at a movie that won’t leave you bored, then I’d say the Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is worth the cost of admission.

7/10.

I really enjoyed it and will probably watch it again for $5.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent — First Thoughts was originally published in Criticult on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Street lights flickered on as the car sped down the alley. The sunset’s purple backdrop faded quickly to black as the first stars emerged in the new night sky. A full moon hung high above the trees as he whipped into the driveway. He had almost beat the darkness home.
 Tripping as he tore through the yard, he fumbled his keys when stumbling up the front steps. Fighting with the deadbolt, he began cursing under his breath.
 “Stupid Mother-” With a creak the door opened. He quickly slid inside, wincing as the bolt clanged into place. Moving as silently as possible, he made his way to the stairs. The wood floor of the living room betrayed him, announcing his every step.
 Reaching the hallway, he froze. At the bottom of the steps, the bathroom door hung open. The tips of his ears burned red as the voices in his head argued over whether it had been left that way. 
 With a deep breath, he rubbed his thumb and index finger together for a moment, in an effort to quiet his anxiety. It hardly helped. Sweat began to roll down his temple as he poked his head into the bathroom.
 A shallow wave of calm washed briefly over him as he finally appreciated the nearly transparent shower curtain he had so foolishly bought online.
 All clear. Leaving the door open, he made a mental note as he crept back towards the stairs.
The creaking living room floor was nothing compared to the painful groan of each step. 
 Resorting to an awkward crawl he climbed to the loft on all fours, peaking over the railing as he hit the top step. His bedroom door was closed and the loft looked exactly as he had left it. Despite this good omen he continued to crawl as he inched his way to the door, forever swearing off wood floors.
 He paused for a long moment upon reaching his bedroom. Ear to the ground he focused every ounce of his energy into laying perfectly still. A minute masqueraded as an hour while he mustered the courage to reach for the door handle.
 With a deep breath and a quick twist and he popped the door open, sliding back in precautionary self-defense as he did so.
 He held back for another moment, scanning the loft for a nearby weapon. Only a sandal was handy. Slowly moving into a crouch he moved back towards the door. His free hand grasped the wooden frame as he peaked in.
 His room was a disaster. 
 It was the disaster that he was used to, however, and upon seeing his closet door firmly shut he was hit with another calming wave. He could feel some of the tension in his shoulders subside, but with a quick shake of his head, he snapped back into focus.
 He dropped the sandal upon entering his room, darting for his dresser in the far corner. Diving to the ground he reached under the dresser for the black case tucked away in its hiding spot. The haunted wood groaned again, but he paid it no attention as his fingers had struck plastic gold.
 Dragging the case out from the dresser, his eyes bulged with fear. He wouldn’t need to open it to see that it was empty. The wood floor screamed behind him.
 Jumping back in a panic he slid to the corner, staring in bewilderment at what had emerged from his closet. The eyes he stared into were his own.
 A clean-shaven doppelganger stood before him, smirking devilishly. In his left hand, he held a nickel plated Beretta 92fs.
 “Looking for this?” With a grin, the duplicate pulled back the hammer.
 He had almost beat the darkness home.

Lost and Found was originally published in Pulp Planet on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The rain poured heavily in the darkened alley. Roger Strickland, a former marine and current vagabond, was searching desperately for shelter from the torrential onslaught. 
 In the distance, he could see a faint light, presumably from the one working light post on this block. Underneath its dim gleam, he thought he spotted a light blue awning over back doorsteps. 
 This vision brought him new life as he sprang forward, splashing without caution through the many puddles on his way to sanctuary. 
 Passing the lamppost, he could see the awning clear as day. It was no mirage. With a little more luck, he could sleep dry tonight. 
 As he approached the awning, he felt an odd sense of awe. His throat took a peculiar tumble to the pit of his stomach as his feet slowly came to a halt. The glow from the streetlight showered the baby blue tarp with warmth in a cold, wet night. 
 But the lamp was half a block away, why does the light seem to be getting brighter? 
 Nearly there, he turned to look back at the lamp.
 Instantly, he dropped to his knees. Soaked to the bone, he looked up in terror.

“What the hell?”

The light had followed him alright, but it didn't belong to the street light. 
 A thick metallic tentacle was attached to the now blinding light. It fixed on Roger, freezing him in complete shock. Freezing wet on his knees, Roger felt a sudden warmth as his body began to elevate from the puddle he had been in.

“But, but..”

Roger tried to struggle but found he couldn't move a muscle. A sudden peace swept through him as his body drew closer to the light. Utter euphoria filled his soul as the beam absorbed the last of him.

*CRACK

The tentacle zipped through the city skyline, zigzagging its way along the retractor back to the mothership.

Near the Eye of the Storm was originally published in Pulp Planet on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Frank’s fingers frantically fumbled the front padlock. Accepting the combination, the door slid open, momentarily revealing the chaos that was his living room. Stepping in, Frank dove for the couch, dodging the orange blur headed for his face. Looking to his right he locked eyes with the culprit, his grinning six-year-old son Mason.

“What did I tell you about playing Hoverball in the house?” Frank’s tone was stern, but his smile gave him away. With a giggling devilish grin, his youngest took off down the hallway.

“You’re doing a great job babysitting boys,” Frank called down the hall at his oldest boys Billy and Jason as he stood and entered the kitchen. Tossing his keycard and phone on the kitchen table, Frank called to his only daughter.

“Jenny! Are you here? Who’s watching Mason!”

“She’s not home yet.” A voice called from the hall. He couldn’t tell if it was Jason or Billy’s.

“Where is she?” He waited impatiently for a response.

“I dunno.” The voice called back after a pause.

Panic swelled inside Frank as he began to pace the room desperately, thinking of the places she could be. He didn’t remember hearing anything about practice or a project after school today. He sped to the kitchen table and fumbled with his phone. The recent news reports of terrorist kidnappings were running through his mind as he typed her UEID chip number into his App. Sweat dripped from his forehead, blurring the screen. Frank scrubbed furiously with his sleeve before working on his brow. Finally, the blinking blue dot appeared at a location.

The high school library. Sighing deeply in relief, Frank turned to the hallway with instructions for dinner.

“Ooof.” Spit flung from Frank as a blow to the gut knocked the wind out of him. Falling back,
he caught himself on the kitchen counter. Struggling to catch his breath, he braced himself.

“Sorry, Dad,” Jason muttered, rubbing his head.

“It’s alright Jay, just be careful. And turn that news broadcast off. I don’t want your brother having invasion nightmares again.”

Frank turned to call for Bill but found his eldest now sitting at the kitchen counter. Eyes inches from the 3D gaming screen projecting from it, his right hand working the controls on the screen.

“Dad, will you sign for this game? It’s free.” Billy inquired without looking up from the counter.

“So far so good, but what is it?” Frank didn’t want some Vamp or Ghoul popping up to scare his other children.

“It’s called Earth Defense, it’s a tower defense game. Aliens are attacking Earth in their spaceships and you build up the Earth’s defense. Starting with your own neighborhood. It’s really cool Dad.” Frank held up his right hand to settle Billy down.

“What is the age requirement?”

“It’s 10 and up. You can set the password. We won’t let Mason play.” Frank reached for the Interhome Holotablet controller on the coffee table.

“Send me the link,” Frank grumbled at Billy. He was behind on dinner without Jenny home to help start it. The boys never wanted to help but were quick to ask for a status update. Billy moved his right hand on the 3D controls and flicked his wrist forward towards his father. Not one second later, the app popped up on Franks Holotab. He placed his thumb on the home screen scanner, skipping the manual sign up for the app. Up popped a new page reading Terms and Conditions followed by an endless sea of legal jargon. Frank skimmed down to the bottom as quickly as his wrist could flick, finally reaching the bottom of the agreement. He quickly clicked on the box reading I accept the UEE Terms, Conditions, and Privacy Policy. A voice projected through the Holotab.

“Please look at the camera and say your full name after the beep to verify your download.”

“Frank William Odom” He stared awkwardly at the tablet in his hands until it beeped in confirmation. He sat the Holotab back down on the table, returning to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

------------------------------------

A pounding at the door woke Frank up in a panic the next morning. He hopped out of bed, tripping over his slippers as he slid into his robe. The knocking became louder and more frequent as he approached the door. Frank, as impatient as his visitors, fought with the lock before angrily swinging the door open ready to give a piece of his mind.

“Good morning sir!”
He was interrupted by a young UEDU officer with a Holotab in hand. He glanced back at the soldiers behind him before holding the tablet up to Frank’s face. The speaker barked ‘Frank William Odom’.

“Is that you sir?” The officer’s stare made Frank uneasy.

“Yes, I’m Frank Odom. What is this about? Frank stammered. The young officer did not look up from his Holotab as he pressed on.

“Earth Defense download Conditions: Section 24.8- In the event of an actual UCT invasion, I hereby relinquish ownership of my home to the UEDU for acquisition and upgrade in order to assist with defense tactics until the threat of attack has been officially rescinded by the UE Council.”

Frank stepped forward to protest but was pushed back by the small wave of troops that rushed into his home. He begged the officer to reconsider, but the man did not seem to hear him over the roar of the trench digger.

Coming to Terms was originally published in Pulp Planet on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

When you look at the AFC East over the last eight years, you’ll see that surprises are all but nonexistent. Since 2009, the Pats have gone 37–11 against their division counterparts, winning the division each year. With offseason acquisitions of weapons like Brandin Cooks & Dwayne Allen, 2017 looks to promise more of the same. This begs the question, ‘When will this madness stop?’ Soon my friends, very soon.

The Good News

Tom Brady just turned 40. This in itself is an anomaly in such a physical team sport, and there is just no way that the Tom Brady we have now will be the same guy in three years. The NFL’s ’40 –and-over club’ primarily exists of three players: Kickers, offensive lineman, & backup quarterbacks. While you cannot compare Brady to the likes of Matt Hasselbeck & Dave Krieg, Father Time remains unbeaten.

Brady is the twentieth quarterback to play at 40. Of the other nineteen, only eight made it to 41. Of course, Tom’s strawberry-free diet may keep him on the field for a few more years, but that doesn’t mean he will be starting in New England during that time. Brett Favre anyone?

Considering Jimmy Garoppolo’s upcoming free agency, the Pats will soon face the same decision the Packers & Colts had to address in recent years. Logic dictates that Belichick, a coach known to cut or trade talented players rather than over pay them, will follow suit and choose the future over the present. Jimmy G’s extended preseason play could very likely be a byproduct of this consideration. I cannot foresee a situation in which Garoppolo agrees to resign with the Pats to hold a clipboard for two more years.

You may be asking ‘Why don’t they franchise tag Jimmy until Tom retires?’ $20 million for a backup? Bill Belichick? Right..

Looking at the careers of Favre, Manning, and Montana (who was traded to the Chiefs for a First round pick at the age of 39), I can’t imagine Brady retiring if he feels he is still capable. Especially if he is forced to make room for his backup.

The Bad News

You’re going to have to sit through one more Super Bowl celebration. As we have established, this division has belonged to the Pats for almost a decade. This year more than most, it seems that the rest of the AFC East is doing what they can to ensure this run. The Dolphins, Bills, & Jets each rank in the bottom eight of the current NFL Power Rankings at 25th, 26th, and 32nd respectively.

The Jets are all but a lock for the first pick in next year’s draft. They have traded every semi valuable asset that they have. Someone in New York has been keeping an eye on the NBA. I feel a ‘trust the process’ era in the Big Apple.

The Bills are an enigma to me at this juncture. After resigning Tyrod Taylor, they trade away Sammy Watkins and Ronald Darby for Ryan Matthews, E.J. Gaines, and two early draft picks. While new coach Sean McDermott swears that getting Matthews in the deal and signing the ageless Anquan Boldin is proof enough that the Bills are not “throwing in the towel,” I’m not buying it. The Bills have two picks in each of the first three rounds in next year’s draft. With a talented quarterback class expected, Buffalo has more incentive to lose than win this year.

This brings us to the Jay Cutler ‘led’ Dolphins. Miami was the only team perceived to be in contention for the AFC East title coming into the season. Looking to build off of last year’s playoff clinching season, the Phins looked poised to be the sole thorn in New England’s side this year. Then Ryan Tannehill went down with a non-contact knee injury. Miami chose to let their playoff hopes ride on the arm of Jay Cutler rather than Colin Kaepernick, apparently upset an entire city with a tee shirt. More evidence that every team in this division is rooting for and in fact helping the New England Patriots send off their favorite son with at least one last division title.

The Future

I anticipate an AFC Championship game between the Pats and the Raiders on the snow covered field at Gillette stadium that rivals the ‘tuck rule’ game. Brady and company will hold off whichever one-hit-wonder the NFC throws at them this year, ending their dynasty on a high note.

What follows is an offseason that sees Tom Brady shipped to a borderline contender. The Broncos still have a Super Bowl quality defense, and have rented a past-his-prime hall of famer to get there before. This sets the table for the Oakland Raiders to earn one last Super Bowl ring before heading to Sin City. To see more on why the Raiders will win a title before they leave, check out my good friend Shawn Baker’s article. The Raiders WILL Win a Super Bowl Before Leaving Oakland

With winter looming, the idea of this series is to help one decide if the weekly Thursday game will be worth risking a Friday morning hangover.

Week 2: Texans vs. Bengals

Both teams got off to a rocky start in the first week of the 2017 season. Andy Dalton threw four interceptions en route to a 20–0 shutout loss at the hands of the rival Ravens. Many expected a bounce back year from Dalton, though you won’t hear them admitting it now.
If Bengals fans are frustrated with quarterback inconsistencies, they’ll get no sympathy from Texan fans. A mere 31 plays into the season, and allegedly offensive minded head coach Bill O’Brien pulls his starter for First round pick Deshaun Watson. Standing alone, this isn’t that bizarre. However when you look at O’Brien’s tenure in Houston, and add to this his announcement that he may not select this week’s starter until kickoff, one has to question how long coach will have his job.

My Advice

Skip it. Unless you are a fan of either team, there is really no reason to tune in this evening. Both teams come into this game feeling down from last week, so a hard fought game can be anticipated, just not one worth watching.
Each team will likely rely on defense to keep them in the game. With quarterback issues on both sides, this will be a slow paced game hardly worth watching even with players on your fantasy roster.

Who wins

We’ve come this far, so we might as well figure out who wins this thing. In a game the looks like a round of horse between placekickers, the Texans win 19–13.

I talk sports weekly on the Off the Bandwagon podcast.