I’ve love the same guy for 13 years. Even trying to move on, date other people, getting involved in serious relationships, he was on my mind. I always questioned everything, because I felt like he was who I was supposed to be with. I wish I had a good explanation for the intensity I feel when it comes to him, but I don’t. All I can do is shrug my shoulders and explain that I don’t understand. I don’t get why I’ve never been able to move on.

I have high self worth, I love myself. I’m not convinced I couldn’t find anyone else, that part is easy. The problem is I spend my entire life comparing everyone to him. He’s not perfect. He’s not wealthy. He’s adorably nerdy. He’s not the most attractive guy I’ve ever cared for, but to me he’s the most attractive person in the world.

He came into my life at a time when I really was truly missing something. He was in boot camp for the Marine Corps with my brother. My friend and I used to make a Zine (Riot Grrrl era style) and I’d send them to my brother while he was away. One day he left copies of the zine sitting around and another guy found them and read them. He ended up contacting me immediately, telling me he had to know who wrote them. This started the most intense love affair, and the most heart break I’ve ever encountered.

He didn’t know what I looked like when we started talking, and I didn’t know what he looked like. This was back in the day on the web, we connected purely on just our mental ability to understand each other. He’d send me the things he wrote and they were the most beautiful words. I fell so in love with this boy, I’ve never matched the intensity no matter how hard I tried.

He’s the only guy who has ever made me incredibly nervous, in all the right ways. I worshipped the ground he walked on, but the universe wasn’t on our side. He went off to fight the war in Afghanistan and Iraq. I cried every time he left, so afraid I’d never hear from him again. But he came home, every time, and we’d talk again. We’d spend hours online or on the phone. He’s the kind of person that no matter what he talks about, you hang on to every word. His enthusiasm is infectious and incredible. It was easy to take interests in his interests. It was easy to love him.

The problem was he never loved himself. We had a lot of falling outs over the years, and it was a rough road, but he never left my mind. From time to time I’d get back in touch, and then sometimes he’d just disappear for a while. At first, I thought he was doing it to hurt me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to hurt me so much. Over time, the more we reconnected, the more I felt like I truly understood him. He wasn’t leaving to hurt me, he was leaving out of fear of hurting me. This just made it harder to move on, I loved him too much to ever abandon him, so I learned to love him and be apart.

We spent 5 years where we didn’t speak. I got into a serious relationship. Eventually, I got lonely and sad. I wanted to know how he was more than anything. I never stopped wondering. I messaged him randomly on facebook, and it started again. We never miss a beat, we just fall back into each other. We talked for hours, and by the end of it, my heart was already in his hands again. I lack a sense of control with him.

Everything was going okay, and then we got into an argument. Something stupid, it was jealousy. He’s a Scorpio to the core. He told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. My heart was broken. He said himself, we’re apart of each other’s DNA. I don’t think we can truly exist fully apart in this world. We always find each other.

I decided to be insane. I decided to risk a door slam in the face. I drove to Pensacola (from Atlanta) and showed up on his door step. The panic set in as I knocked, his brother answered the door and told me he was in the garage. My heart beat had never been so incredibly intense, the fear I felt awaiting his reaction as I walked through the door, this girl he had never actually met in person, but had known and said he loved for 12 years. I had no idea what would happen.

I walked through the door and stuttered out “Hey…”

I tried to get this brilliant speech out but I broke into sobs, barely getting out
“How could you say you never wanted to talk to me again…”

He got a look of concentration and surprise on his face, a look I’ll never forget as long as I remember. He quickly walked over to me and grabbed me in his arms, kissing me more passionately than anyone I had ever met. His fingers desperately wiping away my tears, holding me. We truly barely made it to his bedroom before we landed right on the floor still entwined in each other.

I spent almost every night in town at his house. He told me he loved me, he talked about me moving to Pensacola, I would have married him, right there under the stars. He told me he liked that I showed up unannounced, though I’ve never been sure if it was true.

When I got back to Atlanta I immediately found a place in Pensacola. I was ready to take the risk. I was done with my last relationship, it was a rough ending, but we both knew it was for the best. I had my heart set on the love of my life. But he disappeared again.

I still made the move. Since then, we have talked a few times. We’ve talked about going on dates, but he cancels. He told me last time that he was too fucked up to offer me anything. I accepted it. I accepted he’s not ready, maybe he’ll never be ready for something this intense. But it doesn’t stop me from loving him. The last time I saw him, I showed up drunk to talk to him. Not my smoothest move. He took me inside and I slept there. He could have slept with me, but he didn’t even try. He just held me while I cried.

I don’t know which person he is. I don’t know if he loves me the way he says, or if he will ever love me the way I love him. So I reject everyone, not because I’m unwilling to move on, but because I don’t see anyone but him. I don’t know if he fully understands the extent of the damage he’s caused. It’s truly impossible to say if he cares at all, but I can’t stop caring. I can’t hate him despite my best efforts. I’ve loved him for so long I don’t even know how to compare the flicker I feel for someone else to the pure eruption of flames he causes me. I’ve never been so consumed by someone in my life. I tell myself what I truly need from him is closure, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. Every time he disappears, I convince myself he’s lost forever, and I find someone that doesn’t complete me, but who I can love enough. He made a comment once that I was always in a relationship, I took it to heart, because it was true. What I never really told him was they were always half-assed attempts at forgetting him. But here I am, sitting in Pensacola, no one in my bed but two dogs. I don’t know why I’m waiting around for nothing. I can’t explain what I’m expecting, or if I’m expecting anything at all, but I guess part of me wants to prove to him that I do believe he’s worth the wait; and I’ll be here til he breaks my heart. This is the most painful and most exhilarating relationship I’ve ever had with another human. It makes no sense, but I hang onto it, because I’ve accepted I’ll love him some way or another til the day I die.

I want to move on, but it’s just not a possibility. I want to love someone else with the same kind of passion, but it never survives. I want to love him, but he won’t love himself.

So, here I am.

So what the hell is Alt-Con?

Alt-Con is a convention run by 4 women, all working in the alternative industry as models, cosplayers and make up artists. I thought of the idea one random night during my insomniac searches online when I realized that there weren’t any conventions centered around modeling and photography. Thus, Alt-Con was born.

Alt-Con is going to be an awesome event for photographers, models, make up artists, costumers, shops, talent, prop builders, fans, and anyone in the alternative industry to get together, work, network, take workshops and discuss techniques. There will be numerous workshops for those hoping to break into the industry from modeling to makeup to photography, there will be studio set ups for models and photographers to rent the space and book shoots together. There will also be opportunity for vendors to rent booths and sell products (set pieces, props, costumes, make up, prints, etc.)

When the hell is Alt-Con!?

We are aiming for May, 2016 if everything goes as planned! We hope to do an event Friday, Saturday and Sunday!

Where the hell is Alt-Con?!

Venue to be announced, but it’s in the works!

How do I get involved in Alt-Con?!

Please feel free to email me at Marauderxo@gmail.com for interest in being a vendor or volunteering for the event.

Ticket purchasing information will be announced in the next 30 days.

How many people can the event hold?!

Spots will be limited! We’ll announce how many spots soon!

Will there be pre-con events?

We will be looking to host a fundraiser soon, possibly a VIP party in the works either before the con, or the Saturday night of the con!

You can also visit us at www.Facebook.com/Alternativecon to keep updated on the event!