anxiety sits on my knees, i can’t keep them still. it slides from my knees all the way down to my feet, i can’t keep them still. my feet play an invisible football match, i am scared that my seat partners are a little irritated.

i don’t want to be in class, the lights are too bright, the shirts are too white, the people are too loud.

i am tempted to excuse myself, pick up my bag and spend the rest of the day in bed. but i will not do that, i will power through the next two classes like a big girl.

i really need to sort out my thoughts.

i actually felt better after my last entry. i hung out with a friend, we spoke (i trauma dumped) and he prayed for me.

it’s 5:27am now, and boy do i want it all to stop. make it stop please.

one thing i have dealt with during these weird times is the guilt i feel. i feel guilty for struggling with my mental health, i feel weak.

what is wrong with me? why can’t i be normal right now?

is there music on the other side? i don’t want a heaven or hell, i want an empty space where we can listen to our favourite songs. i want music and the quiet. new songs, old songs, songs songs songs. music.

i told my friend that i didn’t want consciousness of the past or after. like is there not a place for people who want the peace and quiet? some music perhaps?

it’s harder knowing that death is not God’s will for you, not yet.

it is hard, it is so hard.

i want music. i want peace and quiet. i want it to stop.

When she pointed at me, I simply said I was tired. The silence that followed still makes me laugh till today.

When you ask somebody how they are doing, do you really want to know? Are you saying it in some weird perfunctory manner? To get it off your chest? Make e no be like say you no care?

You don’t need to ask somebody how they are doing if you don’t mean it. An acquaintance once pointed out that I always said I was tired whenever she asked how I was doing.

Helloooo, should I lie to you? Is it my fault that you always caught me on days I was tired? Mbok, don’t stress me.

I don’t think it’s normal to slap “I’m fine” over every “how are you?”. Try to be real, okay?

(sha know who you’re being real with, make dem no carry your feelings do night gist).

In the spirit of breaking free from the shackles of pretense, here are some honest responses, should a person ask me how I am doing.

“How are you?”

• I think I want to die. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want it to stop
• Not so bad to be honest,could be better
• I can hear my heart beat in my ears, is that normal?
• My heart feels cold, I feel cold
• I am tired (a good classic)
• I want to sleep… forever😉
• I feel stuck, and I want to cry
• I need help
• Omo o
• I feel like crying because my chest is just so damn heavy all the time
• I don’t know how I am doing. I feel like something is wrong with me
• Why are you asking?😑
• I don’t know

There you have it, some honesty.

It’s suicide prevention month, ask someone how they are doing, and mean it.

You decide to play dress up.

You pick up your only jersey, and pair it with your black maxi skirt, the one with the slit by the side.

Your braids are old, but they would do just fine. The gold hoops go into your ear, you brush your eyebrows in a singular flick of your wrist. You don’t want to do tooo much, even though you feel too much. You pick up your lip liner for a lip combo. You want it looking like oh-i-didn’t-know-i-still-had-lipgloss-on, so you’re gentle with the strokes, gentle with the pink, gentle with the clear gloss. You blink into the abyss a particular flashback of a certain man holding your chin and saying that the last thing he’d want to taste before he died, was your lips. You found it cute. Is your head correct?

You’re done in no time, and as you step back to admire yourself in the full-length mirror, you mutter “Jagwaaaaa-ful”. You laugh, and poke your cheeks.

“Cyprian Ekwensi, see what you’ve done to me.”

You take in your reflection again, you imagine this was how Jagua felt whenever she dressed up for Tropicana.

Jagua.Jagua.Jagua.Jagua.Jagua.Jagua. You cannot get her out of your head.

You’re set to go, you catch a glimpse of your baby-blue coloured toenails as you search for your perfume. One.Two.Three. That’s enough, remember you’re trying not to do too much.

You like this Jagua-ness.

Your head is not swirling with whats and what-not. You are not on the altar of your relationships, begging for mercy and expecting the slice of the sword.

You are here. You are feeling Jagwa-ful.

I have good reasons though. I stayed up all night/morning taking out my old braids. It was very important that I made my hair today because I have events to attend THROUGHOUT the weekend.

My fro is sooo beautiful, eeeeeeekkkk. I’ve been transitioning from relaxed to natural hair for close to two years now, and seeing my natural hair makes me so so so happy.

My hair tuned out nicely, I lurvee it. I also painted my toe nails in my favorite shade of blue, so cute.

I have not been studying my bible enough, so I’ll try to do that before I go to bed. I finished a book yesterday, yay!

I am soooooooooo tired, I’ll write to you tomorrow

Current read: Marriage Monitoring Aunties Association.

Bible study count: I just dey do anyhow.

Today was an okay day. I woke up and went to bed an hour later, then I actually woke up and did some chores. Got on a call with an email buddy, not bad at all.

I had so many plans for today, but I ended up doing nothing. I really hate this cycle.

Towards the evening, I took another nap and woke up by 8pm-ish to my phone screaming, a call came in for my brother. I’ve been up since then, doing a lot of stuff.

I watched a vlog, then my heart got so fricking heavy so I decided to listen to some music.

I listened to Ebele Light’s new song. I was crying, and trying to do it silently too because what if someone knocks on my room door? What do I say is making me cry?

I was listening to the song and talking to God, and silently crying, and swallowing air, and feeling grateful, but still feeling oh so so so so so so sad.

I decided to watch the video of the song and before you know it, I was watching a short film.

Shout-out to everybody who created this mehn, it made me feel a lot. I cried so much.

In 2023, someone close to me attempted suicide and I remember how horrible I felt. I knew they were hurting, but I never thought it would get to that. I wrote a poem about it, shut the pages of my journal, and shut myself from thinking about it. When Chiekola’s friends talked about how they felt bad for the people who would find them, I wailed because I too was in that same position. It also reminded me of this really beautiful book.

I don’t like talking about things like this because they force me to feel, and I’d rather dissociate. Recently, I laughed as I told my brother that I thought I was depressed. I don’t even know what depression is. How do I know I am depressed?

Last year my mental health hit the dumps, and I was seriously considering how to exit this world. But then, I didn’t want to kill myself and go to hell after. What the hell?

Thinking of how to kill yourself is not an easy task. I and a friend were seriously battling with our mental health at the same time, and we used to joke about killing ourselves. We once talked about jumping from a building in school but ultimately decided that the building was not high enough and we wanted to die, not almost-die. We also felt weirded out by a public death, why give other people trauma?

I texted my discipler the above question. I cannot remember what he said in the voice note, and I don’t want to listen to it again.

Why am I writing this?

I once wrote a piece here on Medium, it was super depressing I can’t even lie. Someone who knows me in real life reached out to me, but it pissed me off more and I basically shut the door in their face. I hated the way they phrased their concern. What makes you think my writing is a call for help? Who am I calling to for help? Can you even help me? Why are you texting me? You don’t even care for me so leave me alone.

You should totally check out that film. I enjoyed it so much, it is really good.

I know that I need to seek help, but I am just too tired to do anything these days. I don’t even have the strength to kill myself, I don’t even want to die.

Bible study has been going (can’t say it’s been going great) yesterday’s study was a bit confusing. I know it’ll make sense along the way sha.

I haven’t eaten anything all day, I am hungry. I hope you’re okay, I will write to you tomorrow.

Current read: NEVER LOOK AN AMERICAN IN THE EYE by Okey Ndibe. (I am still not done with this book, and I think it’s because of how I’ve been mentally down this past weeks. It is very unlike me to be so slow)

Bible study count: loading… (I need to update all my bible study counts.)

I took an unconscious break from applications. Maybe the rejections got to me?

I’m done with the break though, so I’m back in business. Sometimes, I feel like I am walking in the dark with my two hands in front of me, searching for light. I need to see progress in my life, something that shows I am indeed putting in the work for my future. I feel stuck.

Bible study has been beautiful, I keep learning new things. I need to study my bible now, I’ll write to you tomorrow.

Current read: NEVER LOOK AN AMERICAN IN THE EYE by Okey Ndibe. (I don’t know why I have been so slow, I must finish it by tomorrow)

Bible study count: loading…

my eyes want to fall off bro.

today, i and my younger brothers saw the World Cup final in a viewing centre. we arrived late, so we basically had to stand outside and watch a tiny screen. it was really fun, to be honest. it was so cute seeing my brothers turn to make sure I was okay every five minutes . so cute. I was the only female there, it was a lot of testosterone in one place bro.

the whole thing was very poetic to me; the silhouettes, flickering lights, cheers, side comments. bro, people were legit clapping for people playing a match thousands of kilometres away. at a point I got bored and started to admire the quality of the cameras and the camera work. tew tew good.

at the beginning, I was not supporting any country o, but as the game went on, i just had to root for Spain. you guys, NEPA took light mid-match, and the gen refused to start😭. I have never been more pained to have been born in a third-world country.

my body is so tired, so so tired. I can’t remember the last time I rested. I have like fifty story ideas from the match i just saw but I am too tired to do anything about them.

I still need to study my bible, I don’t even know how to do that. you guysss, I have a baby cousinnnnnnnnnnmnn. he was born yesterday, I can’t wait to meet him.

I’ll write to you tomorrow. sleep good guys❤️.

Current read: NEVER LOOK AN AN AMERICAN IN THE EYE by Okey Ndibe.

Bible study count: loading… (God help me)

Bro, I am soooo EXHAUSTED. I don’t even think the word ‘exhausted’ is doing justice to how I feel. I’ve been scrubbing, washing and cleaning since 7am, my back hurts, my back hurts so much.

I visited my father today, yay! I had to do deep clean his house because he’s not been able to do a lot since he fell ill. He’s better and happier now, yayyyyy.

My back hurts bro.

I got a rejection mail today, but this one came with ACTUAL feedback, and I couldn’t be more grateful. I have to work on the short story again in order to make it perfect. I have sooooo many things to do, aargh.

I haven’t spoken to my friends in a while. I love them so much, but I don’t have the words to describe what/how I’m feeling.

Gosh, I literally dozed off on my keypad just now.

I studied my bible this morning, but that was because I literally slept off during yesterday’s study. I’ll see you tomorrow, muah!Byeee.

Current read: NEVER LOOK AN AMERICAN IN THE EYE by Okey Ndibe.

Bible study count: loading…