This week, President Donald Trump announced a new line of Trump Fragrances that celebrate his presidential wins in 2016 and 2024.

“They’re called ‘Victory 45–47’ because they’re all about Winning, Strength and Success — For men and women. Get yourself a bottle, and don’t forget to get one for your loved ones too,” Trump wrote in a post promoting the fragrances.

Each bottle of presidential pheromone cost $249 but unlike countless examples of Trump’s grifting, there are some precedents for presidents attempting to profit by launching niche products in the personal care space. Many are little known, and some of our past Commanders-in-Chief had multiple items in this space. Following is a partial list along with the product advertising slogans.

George Washington’s Tooth Varnish — “Would I lie to you? My special blend of Mt. Vernon resins, oils, and solvents will leave your chompers looking fresh as the day your tooth tree was felled….not by me of course!”

Thomas Jefferson’s Miss Sally’s Sunscreen — “When the one you love at night, spends her days in the blazing sun.”

Millard Fillmore’s Loofa — “You’ll certainly ‘feel more’ during private wash time when you cleanse and explore with Millard Fillmore’s Loofa

Franklin Pierce — Our 14th president attempted a post-presidency “Presidential Piercing Pagoda” kiosk partnership with Claire’s Boutique. Note: Historians attribute its failure to simply being too far ahead of its time.

Ulysses S. Grant’s 100 Proof Mouthwash — “Cuz it technically ain’t drinkin’ on the job if it leaves your breath minty(ish) fresh!”

William Howard Taft’s Bacon Grease Aftershave — “For the heftier gentleman. Because when one weighs 340 pounds, who is one even trying to fool?”

Harry Truman’s Atomic Bath Bomb — “Turn bath time into winning time. Heck — Drop a second one in the tub before anyone has a chance to stop your fun!”

Dwight D. Eisenhower’s Ike’s Make-up Wipes — “Since society cannot seem to accept that sometimes a fella just wants to look as pretty as he feels. Ike’s Wipes — For a quick and evidence-free cleanse.”

Lyndon Johnson’s Skin Exfoliator — “Endorsed by the military-industrial complex and manufactured here in the good ol’ US of A by the folks up at DuPont who know a thing or two about ruthless eradication.”

Richard Nixon’s Dick’s Deodorant — “Sweating like a whore in church while debating that silver spoon pretty boy cost me the presidency. When I use Dick’s Deodorant, I am confident nothing that bad can ever happen to me again.”

Richard Nixon’s I Am Not a Crook Shaving Cream — “Specially formulated for when you want to stick it to your enemies and all those you-know-what’s that control the media by sporting an unsettling five o’clock shadow no matter the time of day.”

Gerald Ford’s Pardon Me Personal Air Freshener — “Because sometimes you can’t blame Arabs for the gas.”

George W Bush’s Mission Accomplished Mouthwash — “For those moments when your breath just needs to seem fresher for a minute before it all goes south.”

Bill Clinton’s Après “Jog” Wet Wipes — “Go ahead and inhale. Nothin’ to smell here!”

Bill Clinton’s Home Thermometer — “Fast, discrete and easy to use. For oral use only (wink-wink)”

Obama’s Coconut Body Spray by Axe — “Secretly Smoke ’em if you got ’em, because you’re gonna’ smell fresh as a Hawaiian beach.” Note: Without authorization, “Hawaiian beach” was changed to “Kenyan beach” in several southern markets.

Joe Biden’s Forget Me Not Cologne — “A scent as sweet and subtle as a fading memory and try to remember that each bottle comes with individually wrapped, pocket-ready peppermint candies.”

Lesser Known Presidential Personal Care Products was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

During an interview this week on Meet the Press, President Donald Trump encouraged Americans to buy fewer dolls and pencils as a way to deal with rising costs due to his tariff policies.

“I’m just saying they don’t need to have 30 dolls. They can have three,” the president told moderator Kristen Welker. “They don’t need to have 250 pencils. They can have five.”

In response to the attention those remarks generated, Trump signed an Executive Order titled “How Many of Various Things Americans Need.” Following are excerpts from the new E.O.:

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America and the response to my comments regarding the purchasing of dolls & pencils which was the likes of which nobody has ever seen, I hereby offer the following post-Liberation Day shopping guidance:

· Pens — Two

· Toy Car — Same as Dolls. Three

· Airplanes -Two

· Televisions — Five per room

· Books — Three-ish not counting the God Bless the USA Bible because don’t we all want this edition of the good book in every home? We love Bible! (Bonus: my Bible also includes the Declaration of Independence, Unity & Love and the Constitution that I keep getting asked about. So that is like three books that only count as one).

· Total Number of Presents Under Christmas Tree (Including Maximum Number of Dolls) — Five per person. Post-tariff gifts costing more than $75 count double. Isn’t it great that we are saying Christmas again? It’s back! Promise kept!

· Christmas Trees — One per residence wing

· Lifelong Friends — N/A

· Putters — Two per golf bag

· Sets of Golf Clubs — One per club membership

· Golf Club Memberships — One per residence

· Sports Ball — One per American sport

· Neckties — One

· Cars — Utilize Following Formula that Definitely Did Not Come from ChatGPT : (Garage Capacity — 1) x Number of Residences

· Dishwashers — Three (each working an eight-hour shift to ensure 24-hour coverage and, of course, allow them time to be with their families)

· Ballrooms — One per residence

· Starbucks Visits — Zero

· Large Capacity Coffee Urns — One

· Vacations — TBD. Will revisit in 2026

· Meme Coins — Hearing very positive things about some of these. Go wild!

· Eggs — Six. Everyone is complaining about the price of a dozen, so this will lower cost by 50%. Problem solved!

Three Dolls? was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

THE VATICAN — With Pope Francis’s passing, the Catholic Church is preparing for a transition that will determine its direction for the foreseeable future. On May 7 the College of Cardinals will gather at the Vatican for a conclave to shape the Church’s future.

Accordingly, ESPN draft guru Mel Kiper Jr. has updated his mock papal draft, offering predictions and analysis that will no doubt serve the conclave well.

Kiper’s favorite papal prospect is 67-year-old Philippine Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle.

“It’s a loaded conclave, but given his age and track record on inclusion and evangelization, Tagle has to be the leader in the papal clubhouse,” declared Kiper. “If the Church looks at the next decade as more a reload rather than rebuild of the Francis tenure, I think Tagle is the choice.”

Kiper cautioned that Tagle is no sure thing with a top-heavy roster of potential popes with red-robed blue-chippers. He highlighted some standouts with the potential to become the next leader of 1.37 billion Catholics.

“If the Church wants a more veteran presence in the big seat, we might hear the name of local Italian standout Pietro Parolin,” theorized Kiper. “He’s a moderate theologian with a long history with the Vatican bureaucracy, which means there is bound to be a certain level of comfort there for many cardinals. Parolin could be a name to watch if the conclave opts to please the home crowd with what I consider a safe, high floor-low ceiling selection.”

Kiper opened the door for another potential pope, Cardinal Peter Turkson from Ghana.

“Turkson would be a bold choice here, but one I think the conclave will at least pray over,” wrote the well-coiffed guru. “On paper, this godly Ghanaian is a five-star talent. And let’s not forget that the Church has recently flirted with real action on climate change and social justice issues. If they are serious, we may see Turkson’s name scrawled on more than a few soon-to-be-burned ballots.”

Kiper ultimately placed longish odds on Turkson being the ultimate choice, noting that the last African pontiff was Pope Gelasius, who served from 492 to 496 AD.

“There’s a reason the smoke that appears when the choice is made is white. SMH,” concluded a surprisingly woke Kiper. “Turkson could be the top pick or slide like Shadeur (Sanders).”

“If the Church decides to move away from the leadership direction of Pope Francis, then I think the obvious pick is Hungarian Cardinal Peter Erdő. From advocacy of traditional doctrine and theological orthodoxy, this 76-year-old dude has all the old school tools,” he added. “If Erdő is the choice, the Church is committing to a rebuild and a rewind.

Kiper reminded readers that he is “more of a Vatican fanboy than a true Vaticanologist” and joked, “there is a reason I am called a football and not a papal guru.” He plans to update his Papal Big Board sometime between the nine-day mourning period known as the novemdiales and the start of the papal conclave.

Following a whirlwind journey to chew gum, nap and play on his phone at the funeral of Pope Francis, a possibly jet-lagged President Donald Trump rocked both the political and sports worlds today. Trump has told this closest advisors and insider traders that he intends to impose a 20-goal tariff on all Canadian NHL playoff teams entering the United States to play an American squad.

The Toronto Maple Leafs, Ottawa Senators, Montreal Canadiens, Winnipeg Jets, and Edmonton Oilers all qualified for this season’s playoffs and are thus, presumably, directly impacted by the Trump’s action which is expected to be formalized later today in the form of an executive order issued during ESPN’s “The Pat McAfee Show”

Those who have seen the draft language report that the order cites Canada’s refusal to succumb to Trump’s name-calling by becoming the 51st U.S. state and general distaste for the nation as the rationale for this unprecedented action.

“Canada thinks it is so great with its syrup, Tim Horton’s and no mass shootings. But it’s not very great. Have you heard this band Rush? Horrible. You know what is great Canada? The country you should just join already — America. That’s who. Or at least I am making it great again again. MAGA! I call it ‘Cuckoo Canada’ because they must be crazy to not want to be the 51st state,” reads a leaked portion of the order. “A lot of countries want to be that special 51st state. They are all like mineral-rich bachelorettes wanting me to give them a rose. They call me up and say ‘Sir, can we be 51 so we can have you as president?’ You know, I’ve seen polls that over 100% of Canada-ites want to be American but their leaders are too stupid to just give me the country, so now they get a little thing I am calling a ‘goal tax,’ which no other president has ever even thought enough to do. Bunch of dummies.”

Questions directed to the White House provided little clarity as to how the tariff would be applied. Fundamental questions about whether the “goal tax” would be applied in every game or somehow distributed throughout a series were unanswered as of the filing of this report. White House spokesperson Karoline Leavitt ignored questions about tariff specifics as well as the legality of arbitrarily altering the score of hockey games.

“I’m sure you in failing liberal media would love to see people wearing uniforms of another nation pour over our borders and steal the Stanley Cup,” said Leavitt. “Well, on this issue President Trump believes two things: Americans deserve secure borders and they want a halt to shipping giant trophies overseas. And that is what you call a hat trick.”

In upcoming playoff action, Draft Kings lists the visiting Edmonton Oilers as 19 goal underdogs to Los Angeles Kings.

Trump to Apply 20-Goal Tariff onAll Canadian Hockey Teams Entering U.S. was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Kicking off every episode of the Bravo reality franchise, the best Real Housewives taglines introduce viewers to the series’ stars, giving insights into their always-big personalities. Let’s look ahead and take a stab at cast taglines for the inevitable “Real Housewives of MAGA” series featuring the zany adventures of the most Bravo-ready women of Trump World.

KRISTI: “Our family dog Cricket learned the hard way - Don’t let this Hermes Birkin stuffed with cash, these ridiculous hair extensions or my $50,000 Rolex fool you because I will shoot a bitch.”

MELANIA: “Am I worried about about my meme coin being linked to crypto scams? Don’t be silly, darling. I will just send Fake Melania to do time. Or I should say, more time. Ha-Ha.”

LORRAINE: “This congress lady may be an innocent kitty cat in the D.C. heat, but I’m a handsy tigress when in a dark theater seat”

LINDA: “My defense if things go south? Trump has me running a department he actively wants to die. You don’t need to ask that A1 computery thing to know that I’m out of the loop and in way over my head.”

PAM: “I interpret the law and Constitution like I handle my sense of personal style and values — making it up as I go along.”

KAROLINE: “27 going on 67, I’m an antebellum spirit trapped in a Gen Z host and the only cross I’ll tolerate is the one hanging around my neck. Also, pretty much everyone is lying about everything.”

TULSI: “Do people find me suspicious, untrustworthy and extremely creepy? Yes, or so I am told by ‘sources’ who consider me quite the asset. Do I care? Nyet!”

KELLY: “Every day, I aim to do for small business owners what I did for my WNBA team — oppose everything they care about and make them hate me!”

ALINA: “Tell the Supreme Court to get my black leather robe ready because this lady has big dreams and no moral compass!”

SUSIE: “I’m missing Murder, She Wrote for this? What was I thinking?”

Potential Cast Taglines for Bravo’s Upcoming “The Real Housewives of MAGA” was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Upon his return to the White House, Donald Trump has made substantial changes to the Oval Office décor of his predecessor. Extensive reporting and visuals available during media pool sprays, reveal that the famous space is now — not unlike Mar-a-Lago — filled with gold: new gold vermeil figurines rest on the mantle and medallions on the fireplace, golden eagles perch on the side tables, gilded Rococo mirrors have appeared on the doors, and, diminutive gold cherubs are nestled in the pediments above the doorways. Even the remote control for a nearby television is gilt-covered.

The Oval Office now has, what Trump declares, is the Declaration of Independence which he explains is kept behind a blue curtain to protect it from natural light. Whether or not he realizes that the document is actually a copy remains weirdly unclear.

However, that’s not the full extent of Trump’s influences, some of which extend beyond the curved Oval Office walls across the White House campus. Many elements have gone unreported until now, including:

· Bust of Winston Churchill — When tilted backwards, this figure serves as a tap handle for the thrice-daily refilled keg of Diet Coke stored in the cabinet below.

· The “Freedom Desk” — The famous Resolute Desk gifted to former President Rutherford B. Hayes by England’s Queen Victoria in 1880 was shipped out for “repairs” shortly after Elon Musk’s son appeared to wipe his post-nose-picking fingers on it. In its place is “The Freedom Desk,” a new White House-commissioned piece. The work surface of the desk is the very door from the famous University of Alabama doorway blocked by Governor George Wallace in 1963 in a symbolic attempt to prevent desegregation of that institution. The door rests upon a pair of ornamented solid gold sawhorses.

· Bust of President Andrew Jackson — This bronzed head of America’s seventh, and perhaps Trump’s favorite, president is actually a giant Pez dispenser.

· The “Money Pit” — President Trump is rumored to have ordered the White House swimming pool drained and filled with replicas of his $TRUMP crypto meme coin. Confirming the rumor, one White House insider: “What with the extensive hair and makeup situation, he’s not really much of a swimmer. But since he ordered it filled with coins bearing his image, he absolutely loves to kind of lay atop the coins and backstroke in the pool just like one of his business idols Scrooge McDuck.”

· Changes at the Bowling Alley — Trump has even made his mark on the two-lane alley located in the White House basement and enjoyed by First Families and staff since installed by President Nixon in 1973. Said our insider: “As everyone knows, President Trump is the master of branding and funny, schoolyard bully nicknames. He worked very hard on the long-overdue bowling rebrand. He tells almost every visitor that it is perhaps the best work he has ever done.”

The end results? Trump has assigned a name to each lane and swapped out the traditional bowling pins for custom designed pins. The “Barack Hussein O-Bowler” lane features pins designed to look like the nation’s 44th president wearing a tan suit. While bowlers using the “Sleepy Joe Bowlin’” lane take aim at pins that feature the image of a slumbering Biden. Those with keen eyes will notice a hint of drool seeping from the mouth of the 46th POTUS.

· Rose Garden Makeover — Earlier reports that President Trump planned to rip up the grass in the famous Rose Garden and replace it with a ballroom or paved patio have been supplanted by a new vision — a recreation of what Trump considers “one of the truly great natural wonders of the world” — McDonaldland. The president is said to have signed a secret executive order “tasking Elon Musk and Ronald McDonald with fulfilling my vision of a magical land of sentient trees that grow apple pies, a hamburger patch, also a French Fry patch, a volcano that spews milk shakes, and a beautiful Filet-O-Fish Lake.”

· Hotline Notification — The secure computer link that serves as a “hotline” between Moscow and Washington now plays the Village People’s “YMCA” whenever an incoming message arrives. If the message is a direct communication from Russian President Putin to President Trump, the notification tune changes to Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend.”

· Now Playing at the White House Theater — No fan of today’s Hollywood, President Trump has taken a hands-on approach to the in-house movie theater. A concession stand serving Big Macs and (of course) Diet Coke, greets attendees. The lineup for the month of May includes a Mel Gibson retrospective, “the good part” of Home Alone 2 and Birth of a Nation. Future screenings are rumored to include “The Best of Rob Schneider” and a Joanie Loves Chachi week edited to include just the Chachi parts and concluding with an artist talk with actor Scott Baio.

· Look Out Below! — As during his first term, Trump’s desk has a button he can push to immediately summon an ice-filled glass of Diet Coke. This time around, observers have noted a second button that the president has apparently told close friends (just kidding: he’s told large donors and sycophants) opens a trapdoor to more quickly dispense of advisors and non-donors that the president has tired of talking at. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt called reports of the trapdoor button “more liar, liar, pants on fire, fake-as-my-eyelashes news.” Nevertheless she brushed aside potential legal, ethical and safety concerns, saying: “The U.S. Supreme Court has made it crystal clear that President Trump can do whatever he wants so that obviously would include something like installing a rug-covered, hidden, hinged opening in the Oval Office floor that releases one to three humans at a time downwards into total darkness and through an elaborate, interconnected subway of pulleys and slides before releasing them into Lafayette Park directly across Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House. I mean, hypothetically speaking wink-wink.”

Asked if the growing list of costly, significant changes to the White House was worth the expense given that future occupants might not share President Trump’s unique sense of taste and style, Leavitt cryptically replied “Oh, I definitely don’t think that is something you all need to worry about.”

Gilded Glow Up: New Details Emerge as Trump Puts “Unique” Personal Stamp on White House Decor was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Trump’s Musings on Tariff Impacts Reveal Unfamiliarity with Non-Billionaire Lifestyle

In Rose Garden remarks this week outlining sweeping new tariffs on various countries, US President Donald Trump again detoured and marveled over the word “groceries.” During the speech, he described the word as “such an old-fashioned term but a beautiful term: groceries. It sort of says a bag with different things in it.” Trump has repeatedly treated the common-to-regular-folk word as a kind of wonder and once seemed to take credit for its existence saying “It’s a very simple word. Who uses the word? I started using the word. The groceries.”

The groceries fixation was, however, just one of many passages in the highly-anticipated “Liberation Day” speech that revealed how a lifetime of being cloistered in a world of country clubs, limos and on-demand Diet Cokes has severely disconnected Trump from the average American. Here are other sections from the official transcript of the speech overlooked in the wider coverage of the tariffs themselves:

Trump on Buses

“So, what if the price of cars goes up 20% 50% A gabillion percent. I call it a teeny, red, white and blue speed bump on the road to America becoming rich and powerful the likes of which nobody has seen before. Instead of driving everywhere, true patriots now have other options. My incredible Secretary of Transportation and former Real World cast member Sean Duffy, who is sitting in these front rows with other members of my amazing, not guilty of things cabinet and administration, told me that we now have something called buses. Did I say that right, Sean? Have you all seen these? They are really quite remarkable. These buses drive all over the place and can take dozens of taxpayers to someplace that can sometimes be pretty close to where they need to go. So, who needs car when each bus can drive a thousand citizens — and I mean real citizens — to both of their jobs? Great work, Sean. (Applause) Although I was told by Stephen Miller that England has buses with two levels. Double-decker they call them! I think we should maybe do them one better. Triple-decker. I kind of like the sound of that and so I think that is something we will be looking into.” (More applause)

Trump on Household Impact of Tariffs

“The fake news is already at it. (Booing) They are claiming that my big beautiful tariffs will drive up the price of everything — touching the home and even leisure needs they say. I even saw one that that said (Classic POTUS impersonation of someone with special needs) ‘everything from your dishwasher to your driver would be priced through the roof.’ (Back to dignified, powerful POTUS voice) Ridiculous. My tariffs are for products. The very-legally-here-I-am-told-although that would not be my direct responsibility should that turn out not to be so true-dishwashers at beautiful Mar-a-Lago and my favorite limo driver Tony are not impacted one penny. And I promise neither will the average American’s dishwasher and driver.”

Trump on Eggs

“The fake news won’t report it because they hate America (Booing, craning of heads accompanied by obscene hand gestures) but egg prices are coming down. I’m told by as much as 50% but I believe the actual number is probably much bigger. What did they cost under Sleepy Joe like $50 or so? I think that’s probably right and none of these guys sitting up front are going to tell me I’m wrong (Laughter, applause, multiple “not me” hand waves). So, that means egg prices are down to $25. I’m not sure if that is per egg or however many you get in one of those egg boxes. We’ll get that sorted and have Karoline scream it at you during today’s press briefing.” (Wild applause)

Trump on Clothing Prices

“Yes, there will be some short-to-long-to-generational pain associated with my amazing tariffs and clothes are not immune. But, maybe Americans could stand to buy less China clothes, Vietnam vests, and India…um…India (Extended uncomfortable silence)..Indiaaaaa (Inaudible mumbled suggestions from front rows). What’s that? India Ice Skates? Is that a thing? What else (POTUS now pointing to cabinet members). India infinity scarves? Terrible, JD. Just the worst. Indoor shoes? Jeez you really are RFK-lite. You can’t just put the word indoor in front of something and have it definitely make sense. What? Speak up. Incels? Oh, insoles! I was about to say, we don’t say anything bad about the incels. Those guys have been great for Trump. Insoles it is. Thank you, Marco. Okay, so buy less China clothes. Vietnam vests and India insoles. Beautiful. (Thunderous applause. Many high-fives)

Just look at me. I’ve worn the same suit, tie, oversized overcoat, white golf shirt, MAGA hat and navy golf pants since 2015 and I’m the King of the United States! (Audible gasps followed by steadily increasing applause). Did I say king? Sorry. Not sorry.” (Roars and chants of “Third Term”)

Trump on the Rising Price of Wine and Spirits

“No idea if booze goes up. Don’t care. Not a big drinker. Now, if Diet Coke starts getting pricey, I may have to rethink this whole thing.” (Raucous laughter)

Trump closed his remarks by returning to his fascination with groceries. “I inherited a groceries situation. You know, it’s sort of a simple word, but it sort of means like everything you eat. The stomach is speaking. It always does.” (POTUS exits to applause to “dog pound” woofing)

[Note: The U.S. Stock Market has plunged by more than 3% since its open today. Diet Coke prices however remain steady.]

Disconnected from Reality, Trump Calls Groceries an ‘Old-Fashioned’ Word and Less-Reported Bizarre… was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Earlier this month, a Signal group chat discussing a U.S. attack on Houthis in Yemen inadvertently included Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic. Among those listed in the group were Vice President JD Vance, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, Director of National Security John Ratcliffe, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent among others. Goldberg appeared on the thread by his initials “JG.” His article describing the national security blunder has sent shockwaves around the globe, prompting calls for both investigations and resignations. Following are portions of the chat not included in Goldberg’s published account.

Pete Hegseth

Okay. So, it sounds like we are all in alignment. This is an extremely dangerous development and the ongoing lapses in security now means that a dangerous weapon is essentially unaccounted for.

Tulsi Gabbard

Fair summation.

Michael Waltz

Generally, yes. I think that is accurate.

Marco Rubio

Agreed. I mean, security-wise Gaitok is an abject disaster. First he pretty much waves those smash and grab thugs through the entrance gate and now he loses the gun he just received?

Pete Hegseth

Right? I mean if you can’t even figure out who is authorized to be inside and who has zero business being around, then maybe security ain’t your bag.

(JG has entered the chat)

Michael Waltz

Stephen Miller

It’s not all Gaitok’s fault. He’s clearly not qualified for such a position. I bet the White Lotus has some kind of quota/DEI requirement with the locals.

VP JD Vance

Hi from Air Force 2!

Susie Wiles

Well we know Mike White is no hack. This is a classic example of Chekov’s gun

Marco Rubio

VP JD Vance

Hey. Not sure you all saw but it’s me from Air Force 2. Quick Q

Susie Wiles

JD — we can see it is you and you don’t need to keep telling us that you are on an airplane

John Ratcliffe

Title not really needed either IMHO

Michael Waltz

Susie Wiles

What is your question?

VP JD Vance

You said the gun was Chekov’s. Who’s that? Did I miss an episode somehow? I’ve been pretty busy with VP things

Susie Wiles

It’s a narrative principle. If something is mentioned, it should have significance to the plot. So that gun is going to show up again for sure.

Pete Hegseth

But isn’t it Gaitok’s gun? Or is Chekov his boss’ name?

VP JD Vance

No. That’s Fabian.

Peter Hegseth

Wasn’t talking about the hotel manager guy. I meant the grumpy Thailandian dude

Susie Wiles

Let’s put a pin in the Chekov thing for now. We can discuss offline

JG

[typing]……

Pete Hesgeth

Oh Shizz! Speaking of weapons, I almost forgot. So I guess the Houthis have been a total PITA to ships in the Red Sea for more than a year, threatening maritime trade, shooting missiles, Yada Yada. Anywho, you all should know that we are totally bombing Yemen soon.

JG

[typing dots replaced by rapid backspacing]

Stephen Miller

Hell yeah, we are!

Marco Rubio

As long as we aren’t doing it Sunday night! Amirite?

Scott Bessent

VP JD Vance

I am not sure the president is aware how inconsistent this is with his message on Europe right now. There’s a further risk that we see a moderate to severe spike in oil prices. That said, I think everybody knows that I have no actual beliefs so whatever ya’ll want. YOLO!

Pete Hegseth

same as far as whatever

Stephen Miller

POTUS has been clear. This is a green light. Just this morning after “Fox & Friends” he said he was bored and asked “when are things going to start going boom?”

Pete Hegseth

Like I said, all systems go!

I just attached the finalized, highly classified detailed war plans. Cool stuff about specific targets, what weapons we will use, and attack sequencing. Keep it on the DL

We obvs don’t want this leaking all over the place.

John Ratclife

Paranoid much? As if somebody is just sitting in their car in a random parking lot somewhere reading your precious war plans!

Pete Hegseth

I know. I know. It’s my first big bombing and I just really want it to go off without any dumb mistakes #Butterflies

Susie Wiles

Hey Pete. This doc you sent is titled “Joe Rogan’s Fave Protein-Packed Power Mocktails”

Pete Hegseth

My bad

…does anyone else find Signal kinda janky? We should go back to Facebook Messenger. Trying again

Marco Rubio

Speaking of things about to go boom. I thought Jaclyn and the girls were going to lose it when they were getting soaked by those kids at the Songkran Festival. Ah, just got the war thingy Pete. Will look at it first thing in the morn

John Ratcliffe

I was legit ROFL during that scene

Stephen Miller

Hard disagree on the unprovoked water attack. That looked like an organized gang and they were terrorizing Americans. Blonde Americans!

Marco Rubio

Leave it to Miller to want to deport people out of their own country

Michael Waltz

Bwahahaha

Stephen Miller

You guys

Marco Rubio

We love you Stevie. OMG how about that geriatric club Valentin sent the gals to? Jaclyn was all “oh no he d’int’

Tulsi Gabbard

Oh, I would have felt the same! That’s grounds for “accidental” poisoning!

Marco Rubio

And that pool scene made Mar-a-Lago look like MTV’s Spring Break!

VP JD Vance

Meow!

John Ratcliffe

Marco Rubio

Remember: What happens in the White Lotus/Houthi War Chat, stays in the chat

Tulsi Gabbard

Who would possibly take this days-long chat about White Lotus and bombing Haiti and share it?

Susie Wiles

Houthis. Not Haiti!

Tulsi Gabbard

Vice President JD Vance

Hey gang. Air Force 2 is wheels down so Imma going to have to jump off

Susie Wiles

I think we are at time anyway. Wait. JD did you change your Signal ID to spell out your title? SMH

Stephen Miller

Last thing before we wrap. I’ve been keeping POTUS in the loop and sharing key images and character arcs. After seeing more of the White Lotus property and Greg/Gary’s house in particular, he now has strong interest in the U.S. acquiring Thailand.

Marco Rubio

FFS. How strong?

Stephen Miller

Third. After Canada and Greenland but now ahead of Panama

Marco Rubio

Michael Waltz

Okay. Think that’s everything. Chat you all after closing credits Sunday if not before

Stephen Miller

Pete Hesgeth

(JG has left the chat)

Tulsi Gabbard

Marco Rubio

Vice President JD Vance

Hey, is anyone else watching Temptation Island?

(End of Chat Session)

Exclusive: Unpublished Portion of Signal War Planning Chat was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The Elon Musk-led Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) rocked the sports world today with the unexpected announcement that the number of teams participating in the 2025 NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament will be slashed from the usual 68 schools to just seven.

“The days of bloated tournaments and unfair promotions are over,” declared Musk from Tesla’s newest dealership on the White House lawn. “Gimme a break. You really need weeks of meaningless games draining worker productivity to figure out what AI could determine in less than a second!”

Given free-run by President Donald Trump, DOGE has rapidly burrowed deep into federal agencies and taken drastic actions to cut spending. This includes trying to get rid of thousands of federal workers, shuttering the U.S. Agency for International Development and accessing the Treasury Department’s enormous payment systems. However, the intrusion into the beloved March Madness tournament marks an unexpected expansion of DOGE’s reach.

Based on witness interviews, it appears that the dozen members of the NCAA Selection Committee were deliberating in a private ballroom at a boutique hotel in Carmel, Indiana when their discussion was interrupted.

“We were this close to wrapping up when that Eminem song ‘Lose Yourself’ started blaring over the PA system,” recalled one ashen-faced member of the committee. “Then some kid in a hoodie came in waving a toy chainsaw and shouting ‘Big Balls is in the hizzle.’ Honestly, I’m still not sure what that meant.”

According to reports, after shot-gunning a can of Red Bull, Mr. Balls asked for a summary of where the selection process stood. When told of plans for the tournament to start this week and include the customary 68 teams, Mr. Balls summarily fired the committee’s chair and vice-chair.

“After that, he climbed on top of the conference room table, placed his fake chainsaw down and spun it around. When it stopped, it was pointing at me. So, he fired me too,” explained a still shaken ex-committee member.

Witnesses say the nineteen-year-old Mr. Balls then explained that he was a senior member of DOGE and was charged with “taking out the trash and cutting the old, tired AF wasteful ish.” When asked how DOGE, a government entity, had any authority over the NCAA, the questioner was fired, accused of being a member of the notorious MS-13 gang, threatened with deportation and removed from the ballroom by Mr. Balls’ security team.

Mr. Balls then deployed a bottle of AXE Body Spray and cigarette lighter to torch the easel displaying the proposed final tournament bracket and declared that the tournament would consist of seven teams. When a committee member, apparently trying to be helpful, pointed out that an even number of teams was more optimal, he was immediately fired and questioned about knowledge of the terror group Hamas.

President Trump offered a full-throated endorsement of DOGE’s tournament intervention.

“That tournament had way too many teams. 74 is too much. And I understand the ratings for it were very poor. Like CNN-level bad,” explained the President Trump from the first tee. “Who wants to watch 87 teams play for three months anyway? They had the so-called Sweet Sixteen. That sounds a little ‘swishy’ as my father would say if you know what I mean. We are back to two genders! And everyone is very happy about that. And can you believe they had an Elite Eight? I bet you didn’t know that but I guess they did. Well, people are tired of the elites. They say ‘Sir, please get rid of the elites.’ And so that is what we are doing with the seven and we are doing it all at a level frankly that nobody has ever seen before.”

With the hotel’s fire-suppression sprinkler system triggered, the Carmel hotel session abruptly concluded with Mr. Balls awarding the coveted overall number one seed to Jerry Falwell-founded Liberty University, deferring to the expertise of the remaining committee members to figure out the rest before exiting to the Village People’s “YMCA.”

Elon Musk-led DOGE Slashes NCAA March Madness Field from 68 to 7 was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

President Calls Film “Woke” and “One-Sided”

WASHINGTON — In what appears to be yet another favorable nod to Russian President Vladimir Putin, President Donald Trump signed a new executive order demanding “significant rebalancing” of the Disney sports blockbuster Miracle.

The 2004 movie depicts the true story of Herb Brooks, the player-turned-coach who led the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team to an upset victory over the seemingly invincible Soviet squad.

Trump questioned the film’s veracity during a signing ceremony in the Oval Office.

“Everybody is saying that Miracle is very one-sided and very woke,” Trump said while holding the signed executive order aloft. “It’s actually quite nasty as far as the Soviets are portrayed. I think it is time for a rebalancing — isn’t that a great word? Rebalancing? — but perhaps in so much as that I think maybe is something we will be looking at closely.”

The call to alter Miracle follows the U.S. leader’s continued and recently accelerated embrace of the Russian president. Most recently, on the crucial issue of the Ukraine war, Trump praised Putin — who has outlawed dissent and is believed to have ordered the murder of prominent opponents — claiming, “He wants peace.” Meanwhile, Trump has booted Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy from the White House after a fiery Oval Office meeting. Trump has also called Zelensky “a modestly successful comedian” and a “dictator.” Now, he has placed the feel-good movie in his sights.

“When was the last time you enemies of the people watched this piece of propaganda?” Trump quizzed a befuddled gaggle of the press present for the signing. “They show pretty boy Kurt Russell the entire time, but you never really get to hear the great legendary Soviet coach Vladimir Tikhonov’s point of view. Isn’t that interesting? Did he perhaps maybe suspect the U.S. had rigged the result? Were the Americans somehow cheating? I’m just asking questions the movie ignored.”

Trump also seemed skeptical of the outcome of the pivotal contest between the young U.S. squad and the mighty Soviets.

“The movie goes out of its way to point out that the Soviets were unbeatable, right? And yet, a bunch of college kids supposedly won 4–3?” Trump wondered aloud. “Americans want answers. At almost every campaign stop, someone would come up to me and say, ‘Sir, I don’t care about egg prices, but in that Hollyweird movie Miracle, if the Soviets were unbeatable, how did they lose, Sir?’ Maybe that is something the folks at Disney, which has many valuable, regulated assets besides a movie studio, should take a look at.”

Trump also pushed back on questions regarding his authority to order the altering and redistribution of a 21-year-old movie.

“My lawyers tell me that when a king or president or whatever does something good for the country, it is legal,” he explained while finishing off his seventh Diet Coke of the event. “I think getting this Miracle mess cleaned up is precisely the kind of thing they mean.”