You might be living a life meant for someone else.

Imagine this: you’re sitting on the sofa, deep in conversation with your partner or at work, and you have something important to say. It could be a feeling, a need, an opinion, or simply a firm “No.” But as much as you want to speak up, you find yourself hesitating. A lump forms in your throat, and your stomach starts to twist into knots.

“What if I upset them?”

“What if I’m wrong?”

“What if I make a mistake?”

“What will they think of me?”

Sweat begins to form. The lump grows, and the pressure builds. You either stay silent, nodding and smiling politely, or you manage to say something — only for it to spill out in a rush of words, trying to justify yourself. And suddenly, you realise you’re still talking, unsure if you’ve made your point.

When the words finally stop, it feels like nothing has changed. You think you’ve expressed your needs or desires, but the other person doesn’t seem to have really heard you — or taken “no” for an answer.

But did you truly convey how you felt, or was it so watered down that it barely registered, tepid, like as a cup of tea mostly made with milk?

Sound familiar?

What happened here is that fear took over when something didn’t go your way. And as a result, you end up with a version of reality that feels wrong, one that doesn’t fit who you are.

So why do we let this happen? (I was stuck in this cycle for years!)

One likely reason, based on my work with clients, is that you’re experiencing the effects of parental or societal conditioning. For example, when you were five, maybe you expressed your needs or feelings, only to be met with rejection or abandonment. Your young mind took that as a threat to your survival, so you learned that staying quiet was safer — it kept you loved and accepted. And ever since, you’ve been following that same pattern.

Fast forward to today, and each time you have an opportunity to speak your truth, that old conditioned response kicks in. The fight-or-flight instinct tightens your throat, knots your stomach, and makes you sweat, guiding you back to the safety of silence.

I’ve been there — big time! I know how easy it is to keep choosing what feels safe because your body is practically screaming at you to do so.

But here’s the thing: that reaction made sense when you were five.

That one incident set the stage for a lifetime of holding back and not expressing your needs confidently. Every time you’ve stayed quiet since then (up until now, hopefully) has reinforced that belief, building a life on shaky foundations created by your five-year-old self.

Food for thought, right?

To start creating a life that truly aligns with who you are, it’s crucial to learn how to distinguish between a protective response from childhood and a real, present-day threat. Unless there’s a snarling lion on the sofa with you, it’s probably the former.

If you want to learn tools and tips to strengthen this ability, watch my free “How To Face + Embrace Emotions Talk” that I did at Happy Place Festival and Boomtown. You can watch it here.

Freedom awaits.

As always, thanks for reading,

Adam

www.adamslawson.com

Photo by Franco Antonio Giovanella on Unsplash

Expressing Your Needs Is Vital. Here’s Why… was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Dating can feel like a rollercoaster of magnificence and malaise. One moment excitement, pregnant with possibility, the next it’s the scariest thing in the world.

This makes sense as the process is continual rounds of putting ourselves out there. Step by vulnerable step, hoping to be accepted by the other person.

Depending on our previous dating experiences, coupled with the traumas of our social and parental conditioning, we will react differently when stepping into the unknown. After a few scars on the bedposts of our hearts, our doors of perception can become wired incorrectly and they often close when they could have opened.

If we take the time to slow down and notice them, what feels like a red flag might actually be a green flag muffled by the voice of our inner critic trying to protect us. Having this awareness moves our behaviour from unconscious to conscious and provides an opportunity to break the cycle of ending relationships before they’ve had a chance to bloom.

Here are my top 5 green flags drawn from my own experience and working with clients that signal to me, there is some inner work to do. Each is an opportunity to lean in, ride the wave of vulnerability and heal a heart scar. These might occur at varying points as relationships deepen, so aren’t exclusive to new relationships. The key is to notice your patterns and talk about what’s happening in your experience.

See if you can catch vulnerability in the act, so you can choose how you want to respond instead of react.

1. It doesn’t feel like the Hollywood picture of love. This is likely a sign that they don’t trigger your insecurities which is a great thing. Of course, there needs to be a spark but after a few rounds of heartbreak don’t confuse feeling safe with non-attraction.
2. Not wanting to say nice feelings. Perhaps you’re thinking you’re protecting them by not wanting to say you’re happy, you like them, or how attracted to them you are in the present moment, in case you don’t feel that way in the future and break up. Instead, to stay in integrity, you don’t say anything. This isn’t protecting them, it’s stopping them from getting closer to you. You can only ever feel anything in the now. If you like them and are having a nice time, say so. If not, (kindly) say that too — authenticity is the key to the life that’s meant for you. The relationship might not bloom because it was never meant to, but if you don’t say how you feel you’ll never find out.
3. Fault finding. Getting to a certain point and all of a sudden noticing physical faults with the person — things they can’t change like height, features or proportion (ones you weren’t a problem at the start). This may well be a sign they are getting closer to you and you’re trying to push them away.
4. Avoidance. Going numb/being avoidant isn’t a sign you’ve lost that loving feeling. It might be because you’re getting closer to them and your ego is doing its protection thing.
5. They trigger you. To an extent, this is what relationships are for. You’ll also receive closeness, intimacy and delicious sex (of course) but great sex can’t be achieved without the former. Intimacy and deeper connection are risky to a person as they may be able to hurt you. If this has happened before it’s likely your inner critic gives off warnings of “threat”. The only way to go deeper in a relationship is by noticing your triggers, talking about them and accepting each other with them.

The tool below will help with the above.

Take On A Vulnerability Challenge And Grow Your Toolbox:

TOOL: Sandpit sessions — Relationship check-ins

WHY: It might sound formal but structure often helps people feel safe and when on the rollercoaster of dating these create dedicated times to play and investigate expressing our emotions. With these in place, you both know you’ve set time aside to be able to talk about how things are going. This helps A LOT.

HOW TO START: Put an actual calendar invite in and have a round of saying how you’re feeling plus answer the questions, what can we Drop, Add, Keep, and/or Improve (DAKI) from the way this relationship is working?

Your life is yours and whatever you’re feeling is your experience but it isn’t being felt because of what or who is in front of you. That or they are just the trigger that’s been brought into your life to highlight a part of you that wants/needs to be seen and heard. The only way to do that, and have a truly authentic experience, is by talking about how you feel.

Start your sentences with, “Somethings coming up for me and I’m aware I might be me trying to protect myself. I don’t want to repeat past mistakes so I’d like to talk about X…” That phrase is a game-changer in relationships because it’s empowering and damn right sexy. It shows self-awareness and creates a feeling of safety because she’s near a man who knows he isn’t perfect, he’s accepted he’s human and is doing the work to better himself. That’s hot! If you don’t believe me, try it.

As always, thanks for reading,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

Follow me and subscribe to my profile (by clicking on the envelope icon) if you haven’t already done so to receive an email every time I post :-)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Radio host and Facilitator. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain self-confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

Are you ready to step out of the waiting room of life?

1. Download my free e-guide “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic”
2. Join my monthly workshop to start “Mastering Your Emotions”
3. Book a FREE Discovery call/ Coaching Q+A

Shout out for the Photo by Sean Stratton on Unsplash (thank you)

Five GREEN flags of dating was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It takes paying attention and radical responsibility.

Do you get a sense you have more potential inside you? Do you sometimes long for more adventure and fulfilment? Do you feel like you’re getting in your own way in moments because saying how you feel, the good, the bad and the ugly seems scary, shameful or even unkind? The level of vulnerability that comes with that puts you off from speaking your truth, right?

Welcome to the party (of potential), pals…

It’s natural to question things. We all do it. And a question that comes up a lot with my clients is, are they The One? I can categorically say, without a doubt that whoever is in front of you is The One… (you need at this point in your life to help heal traumas you might not even be aware of and take steps towards your potential).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting staying in relationships that aren’t healthy, not at all. The person in front of you in that situation is The One you’ve brought into your life to heal the “Some love is better than no love,” story you might be living out. It’s VERY hard at times but until you say, “No, thank you” you’ll just keep getting that type of behaviour. We need to have healthy boundaries so the experience can change.

The same is true for healthy relationships where the love that’s present is proving difficult to receive because we’ve been hurt in the past. Until we open up and change our behaviour (by talking about how we’re feeling), we’re going to keep repeating the same avoidant or anxious patterns.

Recently, a client was judging himself for noticing a few physical things about his partner that he finds not as attractive as they could be. I used to do this too. Anyone else?

“Are they things she can’t change like height, features or proportion?”

“Yes!” he said

“Were they a problem to start with?” I asked.

“No not at all, that’s why it’s weird!” he replied with such relief as the shame bubble burst for a second.

I pointed out that this could be self-sabotage and instead of leaning into the relationship there is an avoidance to go deeper which is showing up as critical analysis. Deeper feelings might be emerging and as he’d been hurt in the past his ego had gone into protection mode and started picking faults to deter the “threat” when, in fact, the fault picking was a signal to open up, lean in and talk about it.

While he was telling me, without thinking, he also said, “She looks amazing!” and “The voice in my head keeps telling me she’s good for me.”

“Yes,” I said, “that’s your instincts (or you might say Higher Self) guiding you because she’s The One that, right now, is reflecting to you scars of childhood and past relationships that need your attention.

The amount we can realise life’s potential is directly correlated to the amount of unprocessed trauma we have still trapped in our bodies. That’s why whoever, or whatever, is in front of you is The One. Pay attention to what is coming up for you, lean into the vulnerable feelings so you can change your behaviour and see what starts to happen.

Spoiler alert… your life starts aligning with one that feels true to who you are. NB, this doesn’t always mean it’s easy all the time. This is the work we can do on ourselves and whilst it might not end up looking like we thought, we will be our most true and authentic selves.

If you want to unlock your potential take radical responsibility for EVERY emotion/feeling in your life then start talking about the good, bad and ugly of what’s going on. It’s like wading through treacle initially but, bit by bit, your thoughts, words and actions come into alignment and life’s potential is revealed. If you need help with doing this, that’s where I come in. Book a free call with me here and we can chat about what’s going on for you and how we can unlock your potential.

As always, thanks for reading,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

Take On A Vulnerability Challenge And Grow Your Toolbox:

TOOL: The “I Think” swear jar

WHY: To start “thawing” your body back to feeling. People can’t feel your thoughts, they feel your feelings. If you don’t (or can’t yet) talk about how you feel the people around you will never know and coupled with that, the potential life has to offer will never be realised.

HOW TO START: Notice each time you start a sentence with, “I think” pause, check in with your body and inquire how you feel. Then say, “I feel…” (it’s cumbersome to start with but eventually you’ll be saying how you feel without having to think about it first).

Follow me and subscribe to my profile (by clicking on the envelope icon) if you haven’t already done so to receive an email every time I post :-)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Radio host and Facilitator. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain self-confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

Are you ready to step out of the waiting room of life?

1. Download my free e-guide “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic”
2. Join my monthly workshop to start “Mastering Your Emotions”
3. Book a FREE Discovery call/ Coaching Q+A

Shout out for the photo by Chermiti Mohamed on Unsplash (thank you)

She is ALWAYS The One (to unlock life’s potential) was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

If Redbull sponsored feelings, they’d choose vulnerability.

You see those Redbull-sponsored events, like cliff jumping or parachute jumping, and you think, man, that takes some guts. Have you ever tried something like that? Where you stand on the edge, waiting to jump? Can you sense how that feels in your body right now?

Speaking up and saying how you feel, is no different. The moment before the words come out is like an emotional cliff jump. You’ve taken the step to dare to let yourself be seen and heard. You’re not going to hide anymore and sh!t, you’re out there! To feel the self-acceptance, confidence and freedom on the other side of saying how you feel, you have to make a choice. A choice to speak up.

An adrenaline sport I’m well-versed in is kickboxing. I’m a black belt because I used to suffer from extreme cases of anxiety which caused me to overthink and feel very vulnerable. Kickboxing was my therapy. No matter how anxious I got, it would sort it out. Or so I thought…

It wasn’t until I had an anxiety bout that lasted 3 weeks, (I slept for about 2 hours a night, lost 7kg and even turned this weird shade of grey) that I realised kickboxing couldn’t always fix it. It numbed it slightly but the pressure under my skin and wanting to cry at any second just kept coming back.

This was the last straw and it turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. It forced me out of my comfort zone. Remember, emotions are simply energy in motion. So when I practised kickboxing I let out some of the “steam” but not all of it. To release it all takes finding the root cause. That takes leaning in and speaking about how I was feeling and f*ck, to start with, that felt more intense and scary than stepping into the ring.

Anxiety and the vulnerability it creates, are common traits of the people I work with. Many have got to breaking point. I create a container for them to explore their emotions safely with tools to move them to where they want to be. That might be more confidence to speak to people they find attractive or create healthy boundaries with their families.

Some clients have recognised the overthinking warning signs and have taken steps like therapy, mindfulness or meditation before then. The lesson I learned the hard way was, that if you don’t choose to make changes in your life, life will make you at some point. I didn’t even realise that kickboxing 8 times a week was considered a lot until someone mentioned it.

So I chose to start experimenting with the feeling of being vulnerable. The transformational reframe of vulnerability being an adrenaline sport came to me in a lift.

Picture the scene — me and another person in silence, me overthinking with the tick, ticking of my watch seemingly echoing in the confined space.

Should I say something? They don’t want to talk to me, do they? What if I say something and they don’t reply or want to have a conversation? Adam! You’ve been here before. Just say something if YOU want to. If they don’t want to speak, that’s on them. Okay, here goes…

Enter an adrenaline spike stage left! Deep breath.

“Hey, I love your jacket. Where’s it from?”

“Ah, thank you! Camden.”

Ding!

“Have a good day,” I said as I left the lift.

“You too,” I heard in the distance as I noticed the pleasant, dare I say calming, rush of facing vulnerability flood my body. It was a combination of relief and feeling seen in one swell.

And that was the day my life changed forever.

I walked to my desk with a glow and sense of presence not too dissimilar from preparing to kickbox with someone. I felt proud of simply speaking up and thought, if oak trees grow incrementally, ring by ring, then there might be something in facing into these micro-moments of anxiety.

So I made chatting in lifts my adrenaline sport and my confidence grew a tiny bit each time. I’ve shared the tool with you below on how I did this, so you can give it a try.

Facing into the smaller moments of vulnerability is like going to the emotional gym which, over time, creates inner strength. Working your emotional muscles gives you the ability to face vulnerability in other situations. It’s totally transformed my life and it can do the same for you too.

It will help you to feel truly seen and aligned with the life that feels like it’s meant for you because you’ll gain the confidence to hold yourself when expressing difficult things in relationships, work and conversations with friends and family.

It’s not easy to start with but, remember, people don’t go straight to freefall parachuting, they train first. Practice makes progress.

As always, thanks for reading,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

Take On A Vulnerability Challenge And Grow Your Toolbox:

TOOL: NATO thinking (No Attachment To Outcome)

WHY: If you’re like I used to be, you probably talk yourself out of many situations by overanalysing situations to find the perfect thing to say. NATO thinking is making a pact with yourself that you’ll say whatever, in a polite/constructive way obviously and let go of the responsibility of people’s reactions.

HOW TO START: Find micro-moments like the lift or paying a (genuine) compliment to a barista when you’re about to leave with your coffee is a good starting point.

Follow me and subscribe to my profile (by clicking on the envelope icon) if you haven’t already done so to receive an email every time I post :-)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Radio host and Facilitator. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain self-confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

For more tools on expressing your emotions download his free e-guide “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic”

and/or BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE

Shout out for the photo by Carl Cerstrand on Unsplash (thank you)

Vulnerability Is An Adrenaline Sport was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Some can be like you’re not feeling anything…

When we feel vulnerable, our reaction tends to fall into one of two camps. Needy or Numbness.

Numbness (where you avoid becoming attached) can come up in relationships when you fear being abandoned. Neediness (aka anxious attachment) can come up if you feel out of control and you try to cling on to the status quo or how you want it to be. Both variations can be confusing and keep trapping you in a cycle of unsatisfying relationships with yourself and others. Hello, crap sex where you (and they) never feel fully satiated.

The underlying cause of numbness is ultimately, the freeze state. This can be elusive to catch because generally, you feel okay. Actually, that’s not true. You trick yourself into feeling safe because you can’t feel anything. But that’s not feeling okay, that’s not feeling at all. Drawing that distinction is critical for stepping in and creating change for yourself.

I’m well-versed in avoidance. I know it can feel like being caught in the shadow of a cloud blocking the sun. Momentarily things go emotionally dark and I used to think my reaction was because there was something wrong with the people around me. As you might have guessed, this played havoc with my dating success.

I was unable to see how the cloud would pass if I simply acknowledged and talked about the fact I was feeling numb. There’s nothing wrong with numbness — it’s a vital survival mechanism — but if it’s incorrectly triggered, you can get caught in a place of acting in the dark aka an unconscious place. Enter, repeating unhelpful behaviours and serial monogamy patterns.

A lot of my clients are trying to be the Nice Guy which distorts their way of expressing themselves when they are dating. Not being able to say how you feel stops connection, so even if you’re feeling nothing, talk about that. Letting them see that you are trying to feel even though, at this point, you can’t is transformational!

The flip side of numbness is feeling everything! Imagine a hosepipe is your body and the water wanting to run through are your emotions. Thanks to the ‘big boys don’t cry’ narrative, we have been conditioned not to feel. This has created a big old kink in our hose. However, the emotional energy has to go somewhere so it starts to come out in odd ways. You might ruminate on thoughts, have trouble sleeping, start questioning your self-worth or push people away. This is not fun and difficult to break free from because it is hard to see the wood for the trees at times.

Then, there’s the Go-large-for-50p-meal-deal-combo version; needy and numb, anxious and avoidant at the same time. This is the human version of being in a car with a foot on the accelerator and brake. The wheels just spin and burn rubber. WTF is that about?! That feeling f- ing sucks. Relationships are the main trigger of that for a lot of people I work with.

I want to take you a bit deeper so you understand some of the nuances of why this might happen. Our Egos and inner critics, learn to trigger life-or-death responses due to what we perceive in childhood as a threat to our survival. Over time, because we aren’t taught (especially boys) how to clear the trapped emotions, our bodies store up more and more every time we suppress how we feel. It’s a cumulative effect that causes pressure from our insides. Eventually, that affects our behaviour and can come out seemingly uncontrollably. This could be things like random anger outbursts, pushing people away, sleepless nights, etc.

You might be sitting there reading this thinking I never get angry. Sorry to break it to you but, if you’re not expressing a range of emotions relatively regularly, you’re likely a ticking timebomb. The good news is, that’s what I can help you with.

For this week:

Remember your PALS — Pay Attention Lens. Observe what is happening in your body as you’re doing stuff. Overwhelm and/or numbness are signals something requires your attention. The first port of call is becoming aware of that, the second is saying how you feel (or don’t feel) out loud, third is making saying how you feel a natural habit.

What can you do to help you embrace more vulnerability? How about the practice below? Or, for six more tools, download my new e-guide on “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic” so you can reduce your anxiety and live the life meant for you.

LMK how you get on and I’m here if you’d like an ear.

As always, thanks for reading,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

PRACTISE: The metaphorical table

WHY: To provide yourself with the gift of actually expressing how you feel because right now, you might be diluting it because you’re trying to protect the other person’s feeling (deep down that’s a fear of abandonment btw — which we all have to some extent).

HOW TO START: Whenever you speak, verbally or via text, imagine there’s a table in front of you. Say how you feel honestly and imagine you’re placing the words onto the table in front of you. Your ONLY responsibility is putting words onto the table. It’s 100% the other person’s responsibility how they choose to pick the words up. Notice how you feel below, during and after speaking or texting.

Follow me and subscribe to my profile (by clicking on the envelope icon) if you haven’t already done so to receive an email every time I post :-)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Radio host and Facilitator. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain self-confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

For more tools on expressing your emotions download his free e-guide “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic”

and/or BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Not All Vulnerability Feels the Same was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

With practise, it’ll transform your life…

In the dictionary, “Vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”

While I don’t disagree, to unlock its transformational potential, I think it needs updating to something like, “Vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of 1. being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally and/or 2. being truly seen, heard, accepted and loved for all of the beautifully unique human you are.”

Vulnerability is the collective name we use to describe the feelings that come from experiencing (usually uncomfortable) emotions including shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, anger, etc. We might not be able to label them in the moment but we know we’ve felt them because we feel the impulse of energy which creates a sensation of exposure in the body and mind. We then want to fight, take flight/run away, or freeze and we often don’t speak up because of these urges. These are more often than not conditioned responses based on how we were raised and from society.

I had a male client who wanted to connect with a woman he was attracted to. He was massively overthinking the initial texts and second-guessing himself, to the point of anxiety, wanting to get this message just right (Been there!). Thoughts like, will she think I’m funny? What if I say the wrong thing? What if she rejects me? All of this was holding him back from putting himself out there.

Ultimately, the only way past this is through. My reframed version of vulnerability is, “Vulnerability is a Go not a No. It is the impulse before action, providing a direction that, when consciously followed, fully aligns a person with the life that’s meant for them.” When the above client became aware of this reframe the lightbulb went off that his anxiety over texting was in fact a deep fear of abandonment (FOA) inherited from childhood. When he faced the overwhelming feeling of sending an unagonised-over text, by using suggested tools to move the extra energy, he began healing the FOA trigger. In time, it went away completely.

The freedom to choose our response and 100% trust in our actions comes from recognising the life-changing ability to lean into vulnerability, which is why I’m such a big fan. Like physical fitness, emotional fitness comes in only one way, working out by repping those heavy emotions. A rep is taking responsibility for when we are triggered and riding out the wave of insecurity using practices to regulate our nervous systems.

The first rep is especially hard because our Ego/Inner Critic (the part of us that keeps us alive if a lion shows up) are doing their job and giving out big warning/run-the-f-away signals. The trouble is, our Ego/ Inner Critic often only sees through one lens. Life and death.

Like when my body went completely numb the morning after a beautiful date. The feeling of panic was incredible but I realised that a beautiful date AND a shutdown couldn’t both be true. The shutdown was actually a sign of her getting closer to me. My conditioning, due to several broken hearts, meant my Ego perceived a threat so my nervous system went into freeze to protect me.

Neuroscience has proved that our brains can’t detect between perceived and actual threats, so we have to figure out how to challenge the status quo inside us. Because my Ego was giving off safety signals it felt logical to do what it said but that’s what was keeping me trapped. So, instead of running or hiding, I took a deep breath, leaned into the feeling of vulnerability and spoke to her openly about the shutdown instead. Game changer!

When you catch the fear as I did, or shame, guilt, anger, etc — and immediately do a rep and use a technique such as deep breathing, rubbing two fingers together, etc to bring your attention back to your body you will be able to choose a different behaviour other than the one conditioned into you. So, I was able to talk about how I felt, in turn, taking a step towards healing a trauma, and my client did too. Incremental steps like these are how your life begins to transform.

Take on a vulnerability challenge…

What rep can you do to help you embrace more vulnerability? How about the practice below? Or, for five more tools, watch this space my brand new eGuide on how to quieten your inner critic so you can reduce your anxiety and live the life meant for you.

As always, thanks for reading,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

PRACTISE: The metaphorical table

WHY: To provide yourself with the gift of actually expressing how you feel because right now, you might be diluting it because you’re trying to protect the other person’s feeling (deep down that’s a fear of abandonment btw — which we all have to some extent).

HOW TO START: Whenever you speak, verbally or via text, imagine there’s a table in front of you. Say how you feel honestly and imagine you’re placing the words onto the table in front of you. Your ONLY responsibility is putting words onto the table. It’s 100% the other person’s responsibility how they choose to pick the words up.

Photo by Roger Bradshaw on Unsplash

Reframe Vulnerability & Unlock Its Potential was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It’s like working out for willpower by going to the emotional gym.

Negative thought spirals, anyone? Yes, me too at times. Way, way less than I used to though. Why? Because I became aware of the power of, and practised, directing my attention. Where attention goes energy flows and it can either go towards transforming us or keeping us trapped.

Picture the scene… Something happens in life we don’t like and it triggers us. We go, “Why does this keep happening to me?” then, “It’s my fault”, then “I’m not good enough” enter thought ladder and negative spiral. Then our body goes — that doesn’t feel nice, how can I get rid of that feeling? Hello, whole packet of biscuits devoured in one go, bottle of wine, gaming for hours, new shirt/dress or even something seemingly good for us, an extra hour at the gym working out. What if we could catch ourselves and divert our energy before needing an escape?

The game-changer here is becoming aware of when one or more of our saboteurs pipes up: The Controller, Hyper-achiever, being restless, The Stickler, People-pleaser, being hyper-vigilant, The Avoider, The Victim, or being hyper-rational. Choose your poison but learn to give it compassion at the same time. It’s not easy but it gets easier. My main ones are restlessness and avoidance. Feeling numb is the key to noticing the latter for me.

When you notice the negative voice/thought, I call mine Brain because it’s a fuc… messed up brain (at times), immediately countdown from 5,4,3,2,1, click your fingers, then bring your attention to your 5 senses in turn. Rub your fingers together and notice your fingerprints. How’s the temperature of the air going in and out of your nose? What’s close and far away you can hear? Can you still taste your last meal? Look at something in front of you in great detail.

Think of the above like going to the emotional gym and doing reps to gain emotional strength/willpower to divert the energy away from our overthinking minds and into your body — where the wisdom is. Our minds are like mirrors covered in the grease of our parental and societal conditioning which makes us unable to see/think clearly. We need support and strength to be able to snap out of spirals. With practise, exactly like building muscles in the physical gym, we get emotionally stronger and more confident to face tougher, more persistent, saboteurs.

Remember, 5,4,3,2,1 then, the 5 senses check in. Over time it’ll divert your energy and empower you to choose your next action instead of being victim to reacting. Being able to choose is the key to transforming our lives.

Let me know how you get on and, as always, thanks for reading.

With gratitude,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Facilitator and Speaker. He: has guided Lululemon’s team in Transformational Inner Leadership, hosts the “Vulnerability In The City” radio show, facilitates workshops at multiple festivals inc. Boomtown and is regularly published in “Change Becomes You” writing about dating, relationships and emotional well-being. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing (www.plightclub.co.uk) to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain magnetic confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.

BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE

Photo by George Pagan III on Unsplash

Transform Your Life in 5 Seconds… was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Like houses, relationships need scaffolding to be built, maintained or repaired…

Do you have in place what’s required to provide the support necessary to prevent your current or next relationship from falling apart? It doesn’t matter how perfect the “building” is when it’s first created, at some point, it’ll need some TLC for it to not fall into disrepair. Here are a few tools that will work to embrace your relationship and give space for investigation and attention where and when it’s needed.

• Understanding the trauma/trigger cycle that’s within everyone. “If you’re reacting, it’s you. If it informs you, it’s them.” That sentence can be a bitter pill to swallow but it’s helpful nonetheless. If you aren’t aware of your triggers, to start, make a list of say ten things that you feel have significantly shaped your childhood. They are clues to your raw spots in the present. Read the book “Hold Me Tight” for more on that.
• Relationship check-ins. I call them “Sandpit sessions” because they are a space for exploration, play, and provide a soft landing should anyone fall over. This article explains them very well. For me, just knowing there was a time dedicated to discussing how things in the relationship were going was game-changing. It made this ex-avoidant feel safe.
• Non-triggering sentences. Ones that start with “I feel…” or “Something is coming up for me…” and end with, “which means I can’t be as present with you as I’d like”. More on this here.
• The metaphorical table. Imagine there’s a table between you and whomever you’re talking to. Your ONLY responsibility is how you put words onto the table. If you do so constructively (see point above), and they take umbrage it’s because they’ve been triggered.
• Cold showers. Not, necessarily for cooling down if things get heated but they could/do work for that. I mention them because it's a shock when we step into cold water. Shock often equals a sharp intake of breath. The same thing happens when we get triggered/anxious. Practising breathing through our noses to gain composure in extreme conditions is like going to the emotional gym. And stronger emotional flexibility pays dividends if the ground gets shaky.
• Know thyself. Do you know your Love languages, erotic blueprint, and attachment style(s)? If not, Google them and get to know yourself a bit more. If you don’t know, how is your partner meant to?
• ICE “toolbox”. If a person is triggered they move into reacting not choosing to act. Regulating our nervous systems becomes priority one. Knowing what we need (our In Case of Emergency toolbox) and being able to say/take it: space, have a hug, do some breathing, exercise etc creates a feeling of confidence and ultimately safety for whoever is around us.
• Bonus tool — Meditation. It affects everything in life and enables “choice gap” extension — our ability to choose our action instead of reacting. If you can’t seem to get into it remember it’s about frequency not depth initially. A daily one-minute meditation is better than nothing.

These support structures are about being able to hold oneself and have emotional flexibility. Flexible things bend during storms. Stiff things break. It’s a binary choice ultimately. With practise and a decision to take responsibility for what happens inside our bodies we start a conversation with ourselves. This, in turn, reconstructs our relationships, not only with our romantic partner(s) but with friends, family and life itself.

Let me know how you get on and, as always, thanks for reading.

With gratitude,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Facilitator and Speaker. He: has guided Lululemon’s team in Transformational Inner Leadership, hosts the “Vulnerability In The City” radio show, facilitates workshops at multiple festivals inc. Boomtown and is regularly published in “Change Becomes You” writing about dating, relationships and emotional well-being. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing (www.plightclub.co.uk) to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain magnetic confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.

BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE

Scaffolding Photo by Jackson Allan on Unsplash

7 Foundational Relationship Tools was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” — Ferris Bueller

Do you overthink, worrying (about the future) or reminiscing (about the past)? If your head is in any of those bracketed places, then you’re not living life as it’s happening. It’s a sudo reality that doesn’t solve tomorrow’s problems, it just takes away today’s peace. Wouldn’t it be great if we could literally bracket the past and future and leave them there? At least for a moment. Trusting that whatever is happening in the current present is the exact thing that is meant to take us wherever we are supposed to be. It’s A LOT easier said than done but, with practise, it gets easier.

I’ve done martial arts for years and one of the reasons I love it so much is because there’s nothing better at bringing you to the present moment than the risk of being punched in the face or actually being punched. It’s so focussing that one’s mind goes completely quiet and each session is like a portal to bring me back into my body. Of course, it’s not for everyone and we can’t go around day-to-day in those conditions so what else can we do to get more present?

Things I practise are, among other things, meditation, cold showering, checking in with how I’m feeling in a moment (and then talking about it openly), noticing a discomfort — physical or emotional — and being with it and, checking in with my senses. They all save my life because they bring me back to where life is — the present moment. However, only one is doable on the move, any time and anywhere — the sense check. It’s such a useful tool to be able to shift our awareness — a lifesaver you might say. Simply ask yourself, what can I: see, smell, hear, taste and touch? And then do some reps. Think of your senses, in this example hearing, as muscles. What’s the furthest and closest thing I can hear? This can be savoured during a pause and a hot drink or done on the move. The result is the same — dropping into your body and this moment. It's easier than the rest of the practises and more palatable than a punch in the face.

Life is short. I realised my Dad is only 35 Januarys older than me yesterday. Which is obvious but it made me think. If we aren’t present, the Januarys will pass us by. Is there anything more important than practising being present?

As always, thanks for reading.

With gratitude,

Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Facilitator and Speaker. He: has guided Lululemon’s team in Transformational Inner Leadership, hosts the “Vulnerability In The City” radio show, facilitates workshops at multiple festivals inc. Boomtown and is regularly published in “Change Becomes You” writing about dating, relationships and emotional well-being. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing (www.plightclub.co.uk) to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain magnetic confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.

BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE

Senses photo by Solstice Hannan on Unsplash

A quick sense check will save your day, week… life! was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Wobbles happen more in life when we forget we are always held.

This analogy is designed to make you feel safer in your body the more you use it. Imagine for a second that your body, (you) is a jelly. Jellies are made in moulds. A mixture of ingredients is poured in, left for some time and then the mould is removed leaving the jelly to fend for itself. A bit like pregnancy and when we are born. Once out, wiggle the plate (which represents something unnerving happening in our lives in this analogy) and the jelly, us, wobbles. But, what if we changed our perspective slightly?

Jellies only wobble when there’s space between them and the mould. If there’s no gap between the mould and the jelly, wiggle the plate/life and the jelly doesn’t wobble. One could say it feels safe and we can in life more if we move our attention.

Our nervous systems are formed in a safe, warm environment where there’s no gap between us and the mould (our mothers). So safety for our young jelly — us as a baby during pregnancy — is being held and supported all over. Therefore, our nervous systems are programmed to not feel safe in any feeling of separation. So, in basically all of life after we are born, there’s a very slight, mostly subconscious, feeling of being separate and not supported that’s always there deep down. In wobbly-plate-wiggling times, it gets massively heightened. To ease that feeling, it helps to notice that the space around us isn’t actually space.

Without too much of a stretch of the imagination, we can notice the space around us is holding us like a mould does jelly. Life’s mould is mostly made of air, sometimes a seat or bed and often clothes but when we can notice the edge of all those things, place our attention there and feel the edge (or mould) of life, it kind of feels like a very gentle hug that’s always there, whenever we need it to support us and hold us up in time and space. Fancy trying it? Read on…

Firstly, which flavour of jelly would best represent you? Notice your thoughts as you answer.

Okay, now you’re aware of your attention find an object close to you. Rather than place your attention on how your body/head feels, or the object, place it on the gap between you and the object and move your attention to the edge of the space where it pushes against you, essentially holding you up. Now move your awareness to the edge of space that is all around you, holding you like a mould. As you do this, notice if there’s a shift in your awareness of self and in turn a sense of safety.

As a practice, similar to the Frame technique, bring your attention to the feeling of the edge of space all around you, touching and holding you, on your in-breath. Then move your attention to your connectedness to everything around you on your out-breath. It might take a while initially but it gets easier with practise.

Let me know how you get on and, as always, thanks for reading.

With gratitude,

Adam

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Facilitator and Speaker. He: has guided Lululemon’s team in Transformational Inner Leadership, hosts the “Vulnerability In The City” radio show, facilitates workshops at multiple festivals inc. Boomtown and is regularly published in “Change Becomes You” writing about dating, relationships and emotional well-being. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing (www.plightclub.co.uk) to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain magnetic confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.

His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.

For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.

BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE

We are safe like jelly in a mould… was originally published in Change Becomes You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.