Every year, I witness the tragic news of yet another celebrity succumbing to a drug overdose. This recurring pattern has always made me question why it happens. The same individuals we see flaunting their million-dollar cars on Instagram and TV often turn out to be struggling with addiction, barely making it through each day.

But why?

The shocking reality is that this has been happening for years. I recently learned about an actor named River Phoenix, who was at the pinnacle of his career when he died from an overdose in 1993 at just 23 years old.

Photo of River Phoenix by IMDB

Phoenix was handsome, had a great girlfriend at the time, and appeared to live a life that most people envied. So, what drove him to use drugs, especially to such an excessive degree? When we think about it, this issue stretches back to celebrities like Marilyn Monroe and other icons who died from overdoses, despite seeming to have it all.

Nowadays, even in the rap industry, many artists are openly high on substances like lean, weed, and other drugs in the United States. They express this lifestyle in their music, emphasizing themes of women, drugs, and money. Yet, despite this image they want us all to believe makes them happy, they often appear unhappy.

Many celebrities’ lives seem to revolve around the same things: drugs, money, and unhappiness. This realization makes me understand that the love of money truly is the root of all evil. It also reminds me that a life without God cannot bring fulfillment because all these material things are fleeting. Even those who seem to have the perfect life, the lives others dream of, are still secretly struggling.

I believe the music, film and entrainment industry harbors a lot of darkness, and many sinister things happen behind the scenes. But I also believe that these people need hope, true love, and true happiness that they only can find through Jesus. So, the next time you find yourself envying a celebrity, remember that you never really know what their life is like behind closed doors.

The trash life of celebrities. was originally published in Believers and Saints on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14–15)

I’m going to be completely honest and open with you. I struggle with unforgiveness. Out of all the challenges I face — like patience and self-control — unforgiveness is the hardest habit for me to break.

I despise the way people often portray unforgiveness. They make it seem like it’s sitting around all day, consumed by hatred for someone. While that might be true for some, that’s not what unforgiveness is for me.

Unforgiveness, for me, has made my life easier. As a child, it served as a shield against the pain my mother inflicted. When she beat me, 70+ times with a leather belt until my legs went numb and I couldn’t walk, I found that holding on to the pain and not forgiving her made it easier to cope. It kept my guard up. When she hurt me again, it didn’t sting as much because I expected it. But when I forgave her, believing she was my mother and deserving of forgiveness, I let my guard down. I would run back to her with open arms, yearning for love, only to be beaten and manipulated again. Each time I forgave her, the pain felt ten times worse.

Unforgiveness protected me. It was my armor, helping me survive.

When I embraced Christianity and learned about the importance of forgiveness, I wrestled deeply with God. I’ve been a Christian for five years and still grapple with this. Just when I think I’ve forgiven my mother, God shows me remnants of unforgiveness in my heart.

Unforgiveness has seeped into many areas of my life. It protected me so much that I clung to it with others — my husband, my in-laws, even at times with God. When things don’t go my way, I sometimes feel forsaken by God, struggling to trust Him fully.

I understand why God wants me to forgive. While unforgiveness once seemed like my friend, I now question its true nature. If it spreads from one person to others, what relationships will I have left if I hold on to unforgiveness and pain?

My therapist once told me, “You can forgive and still have boundaries.” She’s right. For so long, I used unforgiveness as a boundary that I now struggle to distinguish between the two.

I asked my husband recently, “What is forgiveness, and how do you actually do it?”

To this day, I am trying, but I still struggle with genuinely wanting to forgive. I remind myself, “Alex, nothing is worth going to hell for,” which is true, but it’s not that simple either, especially since unforgiveness has been my shield for so long. I pray every day for God to help me release the unforgiveness buried deep in my heart. Though I’ve let go of so much, I know I still have a long way to go.

So please, pray for me. It’s a slow and painful process.

At the end of all this, I am deeply thankful that God is so patient and understanding with me. God is so good that even after five years, I truly believe He will finish the work He has started in me. When I spend time with Him, I can hear Him speaking words of love and patience over me during this long process.

If you are in the same situation where unforgiveness has been your friend, I hope this blog brings you love, care, and hope for a better future. A future that God wants for you. As my friend reminded me, even though unforgiveness has protected you, God wants to protect you too. Remember, He is a loving God with a plan to prosper you and not harm you.

God is Good!

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

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My Friend, Unforgiveness was originally published in Believers and Saints on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I rarely mention my grandmother, my father’s mother, in my writings. If you follow my stories, you know I often speak of the trauma I experienced during childhood, having been raised by my mother. I share about my beautiful two-year-old son, whose smile lights up my heart. My amazing husband, who has been my rock through thick and thin. Shout out to him! I’ve also talked about my dad, who was and still is struggling with the relentless grip of drug addiction.

But I have never really spoken about my father’s mother, who, as she claims, has been on drugs for 60 years. It’s 3:00 a.m. right now as I’m writing this, the world outside cloaked in darkness and as I sit here surrounded by silence, I’m thinking about her.

For the past five years, she has been off drugs, and in the last few months, she has been trying to reconnect with me. As I lie awake, feeling the stillness of the night, I find myself grateful for the daily texts my grandmother has been sending me. I can’t lie, each message feels like a small beacon of hope, a testament to her effort to rebuild our relationship. For years, I harbored a deep anger towards her drug use, which ultimately led to my father’s addiction, a destructive force that has consumed him for about 20 years.

My grandmother had a wonderful life, as I found this out recently. She had two loving parents, yet she chose the street life. Her drug use has left unforgettable scars, unseen yet visible in the destruction that has rippled through the generations after her. She introduced my father to drugs, sex, and the harsh realities of street life. She abandoned him with strangers who, I’m sure, subjected him to unbearable things. My heart aches for my father, as I imagine a helpless boy who had no choice but to succumb to the trauma he faced. It feels like she set off a chain of destruction.

Today, my father is homeless, blind, and suffers from severe mental illness. Despite my efforts to help him, he remains very dangerous to be around. But hopefully, I will end this chain of trauma. I will start a new generation, free from the shadows of the past, and filled with hope and healing. So today, I choose to love. For myself, for God, for her. She has already created her story. Now it’s time for me to create mine.

It’s 3:00 am. and I wrote her a poem that I wanted to share with you all. In this moment of gratitude, it’s a reminder to everyone that love is so powerful. I can choose to hate her, which I’ve felt for so many years, but I choose to love her for her progress.

“Roses are Red

Violets are blue

I’m alittle more complete now that I have you.

Time has gone,

Flowers have changed,

But you have been trying to get back those stolen years, every single day

Thank you for trying to be better than before.

To erase such pain,

A feeling that I’ve kept like a secret hidden behind a trapped door.

The past can’t be changed.

The memories unerased.

But I am happy that you are here trying your best to correct the mistakes.”

God bless you all.

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60 years on drugs. was originally published in Own Confidently on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Do you want me? And all I can give to you?
Do you want my soul and my heart, aching too?
Do you want me to be free with you, to spin and soar,
To be open, to keep spinning until I crash on the floor?

Do you want me and all I come with, the baggage that weighs me down?
My smile, affection, everything that surrounds?
Do you want me, with my laughter and my tears,
With my hopes and my dreams, and my deepest fears?

So here I stand, with my heart in my hand,
Asking if you’ll be my rock and my sand.
With all that I am and all I’ll be,
To share this life together, just you and me.

Hold my hand through the darkest night,
Dance with me in the pale moonlight.
Help me find the sunshine after the rain,
Build this future, with all that remains.

Do you want my soul, my heart, my very core?
Do you really want me, baby, now and forevermore?

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Do you want me? was originally published in Own Confidently on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Sweeter than a honeycomb,
And all the grapes on the longest vine,
Baby, let me fall in love with you a thousand times.

I’ve seen much beauty, heard many words,
But only your words renew my spirit like a sickness and a cure.
Draw our story, engrave it on my heart’s door,
Let my love for you, forevermore, soar.

Feel me up like the last glass of wine,
Splashing in my cup, a taste divine.
Help me walk the dotted line,
With you, my king, everything’s fine.

Sweeter than a honeycomb,
And all the grapes on the longest vine,
Baby, let me fall in love with you a thousand times.

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Let me Fall in Love with you. was originally published in Own Confidently on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

For years, I’ve always had a strange fascination with Judas. I feel a mix of dislike and relatability with him. Judas is often seen as a horrible person, the one who betrayed the ultimate Father of all things, the risen King, the Messiah, the Christ. The one who created everything effortlessly, forming man from dirt and setting a chain of events into motion. The true King of all.

Yet, Christ was killed and betrayed by His own people. When we consider His brutal death, it all leads back to Judas. Judas was the culprit. He witnessed the blessings but was blind to them. He saw the healings but didn’t grasp their significance. Judas had the Messiah right in front of him and was even called out by Him, yet he still forsook Him. When I look at Judas, I see myself.

I ask myself, am I Judas? When I read the Bible, I see the healings too. I understand the weight of Christ’s actions, yet I have chosen sin over Him in the past. I’ve turned my back on Christ, been greedy, wanting more blessings without being thankful for what I already have. How many of us fall into the same category? We know that Christ is all that matters, yet we struggle to even read His word.

Judas was, I would say, foolish, naive, ungrateful, and in the end, it cost him his life. I once heard a saying: “Every time you tell a lie, Jesus bleeds.” How many times has Jesus bled for me on that cross for my sins? Judas was the one who took the fall, but really, I’m no better than him. If I allow sin to blind and bind me, preventing me from seeing the true light of Christ, then I’ll take the fall too, just like Judas.

So, I remind myself whenever I feel like I’m putting other things before Christ: “Be Christ-like, not Judas-like.” Because though I want to be better than Judas, I’m not, and neither are you. Today, when you feel tempted to sin, remember how Judas fell.

Be Christ-like, not Judas-like.

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Am I Judas? was originally published in Believers and Saints on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Overthinking

Are your thoughts taking over your life? Our thoughts can influence our mood, making us feel either good or terrible. One of the best ways to combat overthinking naturally is through meditation. Believe it or not, meditating every day can help you feel calmer and slow down your thoughts throughout the day.

Here’s how to start:

1. Choose a Quiet Place: Find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed.

2. Focus on Your Breathing: Spend this time concentrating on your breath, gradually letting go of your thoughts.

3. Let Thoughts Flow: If thoughts arise, don’t fight them. Fighting can make them return stronger. Instead, acknowledge them and gently redirect your focus back to your breathing.

Your goal is to clear your mind and concentrate on your breathing. Start with 10 minutes a day and gradually increase the time. When I began meditating, I noticed a significant improvement in my daily life and felt much calmer.

Lack of purpose

What makes you happy? What makes you smile? These are often the things that give you purpose. For example, spending time with my family makes me feel complete and gives me purpose, so I try to do more of that. I go on walks with them, dedicate Saturdays to spending the whole day together, and find other ways to connect. Purpose drives everything we do. Have you heard the saying, “Do more of what you love?” It’s true — engaging in activities you love can bring more joy and fulfillment to your life.

Be Grateful

If you don’t know how to be grateful, step outside. The first step to feeling grateful is simply going outside. When was the last time you really looked at a flower and its colorful petals? When was the last time you watched a cloud drift by or just stared at the moon?

Start your day with a grateful heart, and it will give you a happy mind. Throughout the day, think of things that make you happy. Look around and be thankful that you can see and walk. Consider how many people in the world can’t do those basic things, but you can.

Lack of motivation

Could your lack of motivation be due to your mental health? Our mental health significantly impacts everything we do. If you’re not feeling well mentally, it can be challenging to accomplish anything. Consider whether you might be suffering from mental health issues like depression, and whether you might need to see a doctor for more guidance. Sometimes we overlook these things. It’s normal to feel sad occasionally, but if you constantly feel sad throughout the day, that’s not normal and may require attention.

In conclusion, understanding and addressing the various factors that impact your happiness and motivation is crucial for leading a fulfilling life. By practicing gratitude, engaging in activities you love, and paying attention to your mental health, you can make significant strides toward a happier and more purposeful life. Remember to meditate to calm your mind, cherish the small moments, and seek help if you’re struggling with persistent sadness. Embrace these tips, and you’ll be on your way to a more content and balanced life.

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This is why you’re Dissatisfied with your life was originally published in Own Confidently on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Not too long ago, I heard someone say, “I was a great provider but a horrible parent.” Hearing that hit me deeply.

I thought to myself, A great provider but a horrible parent?

When I reflect on my own childhood, I see that quote mirrored in the way I was raised. Providing a child with clothes, food and basic necessities is one thing, but truly parenting them by giving them guidance, nurture and care is another. Growing up, I wished my mom had cared about how she spoke to me and how she made me feel. I wished she had cared enough not to abuse me, but she still did. If she had paused to reflect on her actions, maybe, just maybe, the abuse wouldn’t have happened.

To avoid repeating my mother’s mistakes, I constantly second-guess myself and everything I do with my son. I constantly question whether I’m a good mom. Am I giving him enough attention? Was I nice enough when I said that to him? Should I have done this or that? My husband always mentions how I must be careful not to swing too far in the opposite direction, giving our son too much leniency, which might lead him to become a horrible.

Recently, I’ve been reading a book called *How to Raise Joy-Filled Children*. The book discusses four main ways to raise joy-filled children, one of which is healing broken bonds. This made me realize how crucial it is to heal from past trauma and generational curses. Those things can repeat itself in areas of your life causing you to be a good provider, but a horrible parent. This is the first step in raising joy filled children. You can’t teach a child to love others, if you can’t love yourself. You can’t guide a child in all his ways if you lack guidance within yourself.

Being a great provider and a great parent that will raise up joy filled children starts with healing from your own trauma and scars first so you don’t repeat them. Confront your own childhood experiences. Identify what you don’t want for your child. Commit to being better in those areas where your parents fell short.

By doing so, we can break the cycle of trauma and create a nurturing environment where our children can thrive. Let’s strive to be both great providers and great parents, ensuring our children feel loved, valued, and joyful.

Bless you all as you embark on this journey of healing and growth. May we all raise children who are not just well-provided for, but also deeply happy and well-loved.

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Don’t be a great provider but a horrible parent. was originally published in The Lioness & Her Cub on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

You’ve said it, I’ve heard it. I’ve heard a plethora of things people have said about mental health and Jesus. I’m “not doing enough”, and that’s why I still have OCD and depression. I “need to work harder to grow stronger.” At one point, I felt like giving up on Jesus because I didn’t understand what more I needed to do or give up, because I had already sacrificed so much and begged God to show me what else I needed to relinquish for healing.

I stopped reading my Bible and wanted to forsake Christianity altogether, though I had explored so many religions and knew that this one was true. I couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t be healed as the church said. But after talking to a friend, I realized maybe the church is wrong. A little back story… If you’re unaware, my childhood was a nightmare. It was filled with a lot of abuse, neglect, and drugs, which severely affected everything about me especially my mind. I developed manic depression, which is considered one of the most severe forms of depression. Imagine being consumed by sadness every day, every second of your life. You feel no need to eat, bathe, or do anything. You sit in a dark room, with the windows closed and want to talk to no one. That was me for years as a teenager. I searched for a doctor and was put on SSRI’s. On top of that, I had OCD, but not the stereotypical kind where you constantly wash your hands or clean surfaces. Instead, it was the type where you can’t stop overthinking, like there’s no off switch for your mind.

Before finding a better life in Christianity, I tried various religions in search of life’s purpose (Islam, Judaism, Hinduism..etc.) Eventually, I felt a connection to Jesus, and found that he was the only God I prayed to that answered my prayers at the time. Accepting Jesus brought so much relief; I felt happier, I felt joy that I hadn’t felt in years, though sadness still lingered.

Upon joining a church, I was told God could heal me without medication. Encouraged by this belief, I decided to stop taking my meds. Initially, things seemed great; I felt content and happy with surprisingly no withdraws. Reading the Bible provided comfort during sad moments. However, my OCD didn’t improve. Instead, I became consumed by thoughts of my past sin and felt condemned by God. This led to overwhelming fear and paranoia, making daily life unbearable.

Despite seeking help from several churches, I received similar advice: that I didn’t need medication, and my suffering was because I needed “deliverance” or I needed to give up a “hidden sin”. I tried everything they suggested, but nothing worked. I begged God for healing, crying and feeling so broken I would have been willing to do anything asked of me, yet nothing changed.

Talking to a friend who faced similar struggles, we realized the church’s teachings were causing more harm than good. Perhaps God has given us the tools we need, including medication, to function properly in society if needed. 2 Peter 1:3

Every person’s journey is different, and God works in mysterious ways. However, the church almost drove me away from Christianity. Years later in prayer, I felt like God told me the reason he didn’t heal me from my OCD years ago, was because I would have walked away from him once I was healed.

Looking back, though there were times of silence from God in my faith, I’m grateful I remained steadfast.

I urge others not to let the church influence their decision regarding medication. The Bible doesn’t provide clear guidance on antidepressants or other meds and if it means you may walk away from Christ, it’s better to stay and be medicated then to leave.

While I hope to be medication-free one day, for now, I’ll continue to worship and love Jesus until the end. Bless you all.

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Jesus didn’t cure my mental health. Someone lied. was originally published in Believers and Saints on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Sounds crazy, right? You might be thinking, “Unable to stop yourself? Yeah, right.”

Now, consider a different scenario. What if I told you that, deep down, I enjoyed it without even realizing it? What if it was a subconscious part of me that craved it, and I only discovered this through months of therapy? I came to understand that my life was, in a way, subconsciously “chosen.”

If you’ve read my stories, you know I had a tumultuous childhood marked by abuse, drugs, neglect, and every hardship imaginable. When I was young, my mother would constantly tell me I would grow up to be a whore, a horrible person, destined to be raped and killed. She was extremely mentally unstable, and the only reason I survived was because of Jesus. I can’t deny that.

Even when I didn’t believe in God and wondered how a God of ‘love’ could hate me so much, I despised Him and everything about Him. But on the day I planned my suicide, I heard His voice telling me “No!”. He had a greater plan for me. It gave me goosebumps. No one can take that away from me with their disbelief; I don’t care who it is. I know it was clear, and it was from a living God named Jesus.

Back to my story. Growing up with those damaging words echoing in my mind, I did many things I knew I shouldn’t, things that could ultimately hurt me. I cheated on my husband, lied to people, used men for money, plotted against them, and hurt others. I couldn’t understand why I felt compelled to do these things. I knew they were wrong, but I felt an uncontrollable urge to do them. Then I’d cry about it and feel even worse about myself, but I couldn’t stop.

Yes, it was fun, exciting, and adventurous in the moment, but it left me feeling even worse in the end. I couldn’t stop. What was wrong with me? Mental illness? Yes, that could be part of it. I agree.

But what if it was because I was so used to believing deep inside that my life was predestined to be ruined because my mom spoke those words over me? As I went through life and made decisions, I made decisions that would ruin myself, my life, and others because subconsciously I thought that was what I deserved.

What do you think? Do you feel bad for me? Yeah, I knew. I’m sure I’ve pulled you through a ton of emotions by now. Our childhood shapes us so much, and we don’t even realize it. Honestly, if we wanted to mess our children up, we could. It’s very easy. It happened to me, I pray it will never and has never happened to you. Watch what you say. The power of life and death lies in the tongue. If you find yourself constantly ruining your own life, you might be in a similar situation as me. That evil voice that spoke so much negativity over you, whoever it was, has subconsciously brainwashed you to believe you are nothing. But I promise you… you are something! You really are. You are loved. You are strong and you are WORTH so much.

May a loving God bless you! You are a warrior. From one warrior to another. You are strong! Remember that.

Do you like my writings? Read more content from me.

I write about Jesus. I DARE you to take a Chance on him: https://medium.com/believersandsaints

My life as a Parent, trying to raise a human thats better then me: positive-learning-with-alex

Indepth stories of my childhood and how its affected my life after: https://medium.com/own-confidently

The Craving for Self-Sabotage was originally published in Own Confidently on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.