My abnormality didn’t appear in my dark fog, but I just quietly realized that I am not normal.

Those nights were not too much nasty, those mornings were not that much heavy, those days were not flowing, but of course those thoughts…

Those scary thoughts which were cutting my heart. How cruel, my mind was that I was even bleeding but still it didn’t stop bringing thoughts.

Just utterly those thoughts turned into scars, and those scars left a permanent wound in my heart, that refused to fade.

And yes those thoughts and those wounds made me blind inside, and I became abnormal.

My solitude was not that much harsh, but people around me, were.

I was all alone, I kept every word in my heart, there was no one to listen, no one to hold me and maybe that cruel part made me abnormal.

People used to call me crazy minded girl, and I didn’t believe that I was just keeping a hope inside me that I am normal but…

Indeed, I was not normal.

People told,

I study a lot that why I am crazy but in reality it was not at all, of course their words which broke me, their judgments that made me to overthink, that made me to hate my own self, the fear from my own brother, making me mentally tortured and blaming my gender, they weren’t less to make me abnormal.

Somebody said it is normal to feel this, but those panic attacks, I can never forget those nights when I was putting ink on my scars, those nights where I was hurting myself, if this is normality then abnormality is what?

I revolt myself when I cry in nights like a clumsy, spiteful, like mad women.

Years passed but still I was stuck inside my head with the same depression.

Sometimes, with the time depression gain and maybe that is main point, that made me an abnormal girl.

Laughing and crying at the same moment is not normal.

I am abnormal, but I even cannot consult a doctor for it and perhaps, I don’t need a doctor, I just need a hand to hold tight, but maybe it is only mochi, who can.

So I am still an abnormal girl and maybe now I am much more bleeding with this abnormality.

Abnormality can swallow you whole but from outside makes you too strong, so I am living this abnormal Bady in my dark room.

But why I should become normal when I am a fine artiest with my abnormality.

Feeling used but still missing you and I can’t see the end of this.

I just want to feel you with me.

Now all this time is passing by, and I still can’t see ease.

It hurts me every time I see you and realize how much I need you.

I need you with the depth of my heart.

You mean too much.

I cannot put anybody above you.

I still miss you when I can’t sleep.

I still miss you from my front seat.

I am always tired of this world but never of you.

I got these feelings and I never mind that.

I still love you so much, but my friends don’t know, I will never let you go.

I don’t mean any harm, but I just miss you from my front seat.

I want you; I need you.

I learned that it is good to have feelings

When trust is on love, I guess this is moving on.

How easy it is for you to say that nobody loves you,

While somebody is crying for you.

You always wish death.

How easy it is for you not to notice, that you are slowly killing me through naming death.

Once I almost lost the hope of even being alive,

But then you came and gave me a reason to live my life back.

Thanks, a trillion to you so…

Please be happy.

You have a great bright future.

Oh dear, now I cannot breathe peacefully just because of this bleeding heart. I am smiling but this weary, nasty and painful smile is cutting my brain into pieces.

Today what happened was so painful. It was 8th May, Friday, a very painful day. Too much happened; first time I cried in front of whole academy.

Why? Dear reader, I have no answer why I cried. On the way, already with scary thoughts, where I am as a prison living in. I reached in my academy, feeling strange, everybody said how are you, with a broken smile always fine, was my answer. Suddenly my heaviness started to get high range. Some girls came to sit with me, I just gently said to my friend,

“Nosheen today I am not able to set and talk to them”.

They even gave me water, I drunk water, I just moved to another place.

Nosheen again reached me, asked, Mehreen tell me what happened.

I was too silent, couldn’t speak a word and my body started to tremble. Just one answer that, I don’t know why I am feeling this.

Again, tried to stand with my trembling legs, started to smile and set with them my another friend asked, are you ok?

I couldn’t speak, just smiled.

I went to another class, said I will take my bag, also my one classmate asked, “are you happy today Mehreen” again smiled and said fine, when I reached in class, I reached with tears.

I started to weep until Nosheen again reached there. She was worried and perplexed, at what is happening to her. I just said that I don’t know, then I went outside, saw everyone was sitting together laughing, sharing good moments, I joined, smiled and I tried to be a part of them. But maybe today, it was too heavy that tears weren’t ready to stop. I was quietly smiling that no Bady should notice but my classmate Khadiga noticed and seemed worried and she asked are you ok Mehreen, said nothing again smiled, I was noticing that my tears are not my control anymore, I just put the notebook on my face, pretending that I am fine, but Khadiga was too curious that she said to everyone that she is not fine, I started to weep, everyone came asked what happened Mehreen. But I couldn’t answer.

Really, I was not just crying with tears, but with a weak noise with it. I tried to laugh in it, smile in it, but still crying.

Everyone was shocked to see this smiling face crying like this but still saying I am fine.

Everyone was lost in the thought that she was crying soo painfully, still smiling. Everyone asked why I am crying but there was no one to hug me, while I needed that.

If day was like this, I thought maybe night would end well, but night was much more painful than day. You expect understanding from your mother, sister, brother but, I got more pain by their always strict violented actions against me. Tried to connect myself with someone but it my worst state, internet had left me

It was my worst day, worst crying and I don’t want to feel it again.

My brain overthinks.

My heart bleeds.

Every part of body feels heavy.

Sometimes I feel died and sometimes I am alive.

Sometimes I find my essence in everything and sometimes I even lose the hope of being alive.

I cannot find a way to get out of that.

I am just stuck into my painful version.

I cannot express into words how silently but painfully I am into this fog.

Every time I fall, I fall into this fog.

Hours are turning into days.

Days are turning into nights and nights into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, and year may pass into decades.

But yet I have no decode to my disease.

I am mentally diseased and I have no way to come out from it.

My mental sickness is expanding into my whole body.

This disease is even now reached in my bones.

Day by day,

I am tearing into it, but I can neither leave it.

Each time I remember everything, and I don’t want to feel that again.

How can a girl go forward when she is diseased at her young age.

………………….😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Every question I ask to this wounded soul, only answer me one thing.

That sometimes we are ourselves extraordinarily and passionately in love with suffering.

I am living with my wounded soul and there is a knife in my heart.

If I don’t take out this knife it will hurt more.

But if I don’t wear it then it will place a forever wound.

So I am living with this knife, with this disease,

Hoping one day I may get a relief from this disease.

I smile but you know it is never a fake smile, it’s my smile of pain,

Yeah I smile because I am broken, because I can’t stop myself from falling.

I am such a person I always understand others, so deeply, I try my best to hold them and tell them that they are not alone, I am always with them.

I never let somebody feel alone,

I read their smiles, their pain, and their feelings.

This is the great part of me but you know what the most fragile part in it is that, nobody cares about me, nobody loves me.

Many ask me that, how are you Mehreen, and I reply with my broken smile and say I am fine, but…

They really don’t feel my painful fine and they never ask me that, Mehreen are you really fine.

I read everyone’s eyes, but nobady read mine.

Nobody read my heart, my mind.

Harsh reality is that really no one loves me in this world.

Neither my friends,

neither my family,

neither my teachers,

neither’s my known ones nor

my loved one.

I am so alone.

Too much alone.

I am crying alone and nobody is here to wipe my tears.

I am hurting myself, but no one is here to stop me.

I am alone.

I cannot explain.

I am so alone Mehreen.

I am always misunderstood.

Always…….

I have been here before with the same ache in my heart.

Reading this silence, you never break.

Hey, I need you nearby.

Is it your deep feeling or my fear?

It was not that much harsh, but I was just guessing that… it is too much.

I was losing peace inside my heart, but somewhere, you appeared and brought the peace again.

Bringing peace in my heart but quietly bleeding in your own heart.

Giving me strength to live but you were slowing losing the strength to be alive.

I kept on asking how are you?

You gently answered, “I am fine, don’t worry smiley”

But God, now I don’t trust his fine.

I know you’re not fine, you’re just pretending.

If I am wrong, so please correct me,

Because you are the only one to teach me the correct path.

I was living with my heart, quietly feeling like it was calling your name.

I am very weak, but still, I am so strong in your presence.

I need you to know that I will never be strong without you.

You see, you feel what I really cannot explain.

Watching into your eyes is a kind of solace.

I don’t know how every day I keep on falling for you, more strongly than before.

I say, it is ok, but I know nothing is ok here, because now I am messed up with it.

I always feel that you’re the closest friend near to my heart.

I let this love heal me because you are the closest friend.

Why do I feel what I shouldn’t feel.

Why does this pain feel so real.

I see your smile and I ask myself, is it the real one because I don’t need fake smile.

Please always smile.

I fight with thoughts that I cannot explain.

But this is never the end of my feelings for you.

You have also always taught me how to fly even if my wings are broken.

I always whisper one thing to God, that…

Dear Lord, He is never the answer of my cry but he is the reason of my smile.

Hey Lord, give me strength to smile like this

Hey lord, please protect my heart and let this feeling never cease because maybe today I am alive because of this feeling.

Maybe, you’re the hope, you’re the reason, you’re the peace, you’re the dream and maybe you’re someone who made me alive inside.

I want you to be a part of my life everywhere I go, a part of my success, part of my dream, and a part of my peace.

Hey lord please protect these feelings.

I cannot express how thankful I am.

So, God please protect this soul.

I don’t remember anything anymore that how life went too wrong.

I didn’t expect this, I didn’t think of this, but it happened, not slowly but suddenly.

In life everything changed forever, but I don’t remember how it went too wrong.

A productive student into a lazy one.

From topper to average.

From crying for a broken doll to smiling with a broken heart.

From achieving to losing everything.

From brave to fearful.

Fron nights of deep sleep to nights of crying.

From loving yourself, to hating and hurting yourself.

Things changed but I don’t remember at all.

Really, I never thought that one day I will be that much addicted to crying that if I don’t then I cannot sleep.

I used to love myself but now there is nothing left in me that I should love me back.

I have completely lost myself and I don’t know now where to find my own self.

Once it was a habit to hurt myself then I promised that I would never do it again, but now once again it so cruelly to my own self.

Hiding my body in a small dark room, whispering, darkness is my only friend (only friend)

I was hurting my hand, wishing that there would be someone to hold it, my hands were wishing salvation.

Am I more painful now?

Maybe…

Please someone save me.

This is a very great miracle, and I know there is still a lot to feel and suffer with.

Hiding my pain, calling it normal.

With a broken heart, with a wounded soul, with a tried mind, and with a broken smile, still trying to go forward.

I am not asking for a lot.

But I guess it is too much.

Even in this great pain, I will still stay by your side. Don’t know about this world but still love you. With this violence still hoping you as my peace center.

Even if I bleed but you, please be happy, you please always smile like this. Your smile is a fine art.

Even if depression grows you, please stay alive.

Even on this dark night, with eyes open.

I will still hold on and…. I am still alive.

stars were shining, night was so bright.
But still something inside my chest was dark and heavy.

It was too late at night. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn’t.
I had to wake up early… to go through my day again.

My eyes started to burn. My legs started to ache.
But the harsh part was…
I was tired, but I couldn’t sleep.

Everyone was having deep rest.
Even the night felt like it was waiting for me to fall asleep.
But… I still couldn’t.

There was nothing important happening.
No emergency. No reason…
and still, I was staying late.

My body started to beg for rest,
but my mind was heavy.
It was thinking deeply,

how slowly, painfully, and disturbingly
I am losing my own self.

The night was long and heavy.
Time was creeping.

For a while, I was falling into despair…
but then I realized
maybe today I am just a wounded soul,
with a fragile heart.

But still, I am not going to give up.

I say I am not an overthinker…
but I am.

How I can sleep with a mind
which is too tired of thinking.
I cannot sleep with a body
that is too tired of feeling deeply.
I cannot sleep with a heart
that has no armor,
only wounds, rumors and words spoken against me.

I am tired of my own self.

Really, I am tired of being this way.
Tired of this blood
that is learning to carry pain more than life…
spreading sorrow
more than oxygen in my body.

I think the worst part is
tomorrow, no one will know how painfully I survived this endless painful night.

Before I begin to start this, I want to ask you one question.

Are you living in a world which always speaks against you?

It is up to you to answer or to ignore, because I don’t force someone to answer it, it can be polite for one to answer it and also it can’t be.

Really dear reader, right now my heart is too heavy to write this but still I want to put my feelings into words because if I don’t then they will creak me.

I believe in words a lot because they are over powerful, and they extremely break others and also they heal. I am living in a society, where speaking a nasty word for someone is soo common.

As common, as water.

I am good, I am extremely a good girl but the people against me are only demons. Everyone hurt me too much, even my loved ones, they speak and they laugh, and in that laughing I also become a part of that, even they are joking for me, and I also joke for me.

I do everything, whatever they do even that is against me, I accept it with my gentle smile, but then what I feel, that is all alone. I bleed inside, even my tears come too close to fall but still I smile and say, it’s ok when it is not ok at all. People only know your name, but not your story, they see your smile but not tears, they only see your days, but not those painful nights.

I go to a school, where girl see me in a way, that I feel heavy and in Academy, they speak such words against me that for once I just want death. But I don’t think I am going to give up, I will still make them understand that they way they see me, I am not that, I will never argue, I will never fight because my mental health is already damaged and there is a hope that it will be good one day and I don’t want to lose that hope.

Teachers don’t like me because I speak the truth and I ask them what perplexes them.

Academic girls hate me, because I laugh and I am friendly, I am too good, I have childish habit, that why they always speak against me, but not in front, at my back. They give me flowers in front but at back, they stab me with a knife.

I had a friend, best friend, there weren’t anything that I didn’t share with her, but when she went somewhere further for studies, just……just only for a boys, she broke me, before I used to call her my sister but now she is a curse of my life. I don’t want to see her again and I pray that she should never appear in my world.

That much negativity is here in our society, that words are too much less to be written.

They will never change, but they ruin others and now really, I am one of that target.

I was productive a little bit, but I was tried through enduring their words, everyday something new occurs happens, and that make me to cry at nights. Dear lovely judgmenters, you sleep every night so peacefully but here, at one side, you make somebody cry.

Today I was feeling too much heavy, like my breathing was a burden on me, but I as still living, and now their words are my peril and that peril close me to death even.

Like………..

I AM LIVING BUT REALLY NOT EXISTING

They see my appearance and judge me but they never see my eyes, there is a heavy blue.

Today I am living under their rumors, but one day they will always feel the same pain, I am not cursing but this is the reality that Allah always takes your revenge just silently.

And I am living with those demons calling them friends, laughing, and smiling with them, but really they are the curse of my life.

I woke up to a morning, it was painful, it was already heavy, and my tears, started to fall, and once again, I fell with those tears.

Once again Mehreen suddenly disappeared, I asked her, that didn’t you say that you will not waste this day, but Mehreen said, I couldn’t keep my promise

I again started to search for Mehreen, but it was too late because Mehreen was already lost.

I fell on my knees and began to beg:

Mehreen, please come back,

I miss you, Mehreen.

Where you disappeared suddenly.

I roam for you but now you are too far, that you’re not coming to full fill this empty space.

Now why you’re like this, you know I don’t really care that how some Bady hurts me, because you broke me first Mehreen.

You said you will never leave me, you said I am not alone, but now what happened, you even left me alone in this darkness.

Now I am too scared to escape from this darkness, before you used to wipe my tears, and now Mehreen, you let them come.

You never wipe my tears anymore.

Mehreen, you said, I am so strong, you only lied, even you knew I am soo weak.

Before Mehreen you took care of me, you never let me stay late and never let me wake up late, you studied with me every time, you loved me.

Now you hate me why? the cruel Mehreen, you don’t take care of me anymore.

Here I am sick.

You never ask me how am I.

You broke me, Mehreen.

I only blame you, because you give me this habit of crying every night.

Because of you my tears endlessly fall.

But Mehreen where are you now,

I love you soo much and I also miss you, but I don’t know where you are.

I don’t want to lose you.

I hope, I dream that one day you will come again to me.