I was in the middle of an intense discussion with my colleague when he inadvertently diverted the topic to welcome another colleague.

The three of us were good friends and mostly shared our time together so I didn’t understand the need to hide what we were discussing earlier.

I got the answer once the third person left after a few minutes of random talks.

“He is not trustworthy. He would have surely made our discussion a gossip topic in the office. That’s why I diverted the topic once he came.”- My colleague reasoned for his behavior.

That was my first lesson in how not to be if you expect people to discuss their things with you and over time, there are a few valuable additions to this list.

You are not a good listener

You always have a story to tell.

You always have something to share and are always excited and focused on you, your life, and your things.

The result is that you don’t even notice that the other person is also trying to share something with you.

The moment they start something, you pick something from that, relate it to one of your experiences, and start sharing your story.

You are so engrossed in your story that you completely ignore what the other person is trying to say.

Once people realize that you are too full of yourself and don’t care what others have to say, they would:

• Either stop talking with you, or
• They wouldn’t share their things with you knowing that any way you don’t care about what they say

You are a bad secret keeper

You are someone who can’t digest what someone has told you.

Someone’s life is gossip for you.

Sooner or later that person is going to find out about you and slowly everybody around you will know about this weakness of yours.

Nobody wants their lives to be discussed in public and that red crosses you from their list of people with whom they want to share their things.

You use their trust to blackmail them

You listen to people’s problems or their stuff to keep this as a tool.

Their personal stuff is a tool for you to get your work done through them whenever the need arises.

You say it directly or hint at it in some other way (playing smart in your words), but other people understand what you are doing there.

Initially, people might give you the benefit of doubt a couple of times.

But once they know your true intentions, they are going to draw a line with you for sure.

You bitch about them behind their back

You are a person who empathizes with people to gain their trust, gets the information from them, and then bitch about them to other people.

This is one hell of a behavior that is going to leave you alone in the long term.

You are not only manipulating that person to get their trust so that they share their stuff with you, but you are also bitching that stuff to others to feed your negative self.

In such a scenario, they are not only going to stop discussing their things with you, they might distance themself from you forever.

You start offering solutions instead of hearing them out

Most of the time people are not looking for a solution to their problems.

In today’s world where everybody is “busy”, people are looking for someone who can hear them out.

Someone who listens to them without judging them.

They might or might not have the solution but that is the next step. The first step is to get their burden out of their system.

And they come to you.

But before they are even halfway in the journey, you start showing your intelligence by offering them multiple solutions.

You don’t even try to understand the situation the other person is in, the predicaments that person is facing, or the constraints they have.

This is one reason people don’t come to you because they know that more than listening to them, you are interested in showing off your intelligence.

You start blaming them for whatever happened

No one likes to be blamed for anything in this world.

And especially for something which had happened to them or their loved ones.

Because, even though their actions might have caused some issues, it was never their intention.

And when they come to you with their problem or their side of the story, they are looking for mainly two things:

• Someone to hear them out and sympathize with whatever happened
• Someone to guide them about what to do next

No one comes to you with an idea that “hey here is my story, I want you to blame me for the ruckus I have created.”

But, you are doing exactly the same thing.

So, the next time when that person takes that first step towards you, they are reminded of what you did with them last time and that step is never followed up again.

You aren’t able to give an unbiased opinion

Sometimes people are genuinely looking for the solution to their problem and want an unbiased opinion.

Even at the cost of being labeled as the main part of the problem themselves, they are looking for a solution.

They are interested in moving ahead and have too little ego to correct themself.

But, they are not able to have a 360-degree view of the problem and are prisoners of their own biases.

Good thing is that they know and accept it.

So they come to you to get an unbiased opinion which should help them grow, even if it might hurt their ego or make them feel bad in the short term.

But, you are someone who doesn’t want to hurt people and give opinions that may not help them to grow like they want to but are good to the ears.

Even though you don’t have a bad intention here, your opinion is not serving the other person’s purpose so next time when they are in a similar situation, they don’t turn towards you.

Summing up

We are social animals and are helping each other in some or another way.

And because we have been given more than we have given to society, we must always look for ways to do that.

One such way is to make people feel that you are the person with whom they can discuss their stuff without being:

• Judged
• Blamed
• Backstabbed
• In a situation where they feel unwelcomed

If you are able to take care of this stuff, you can be the go-to person for the people around you.

And there is no better joy than seeing the people around you have better experiences in life because of a few moments they had with you.

But to become that person, make sure you don’t give them the reasons for not coming to you.

These Might Be the Reasons Why People Don’t Trust You with Their Feelings was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

That was a Booker prize-winning book and I wanted to finish it at any cost.

So in spite of getting bored and frustrated with it, I gave it one more chance every few days. After a month I was so pissed off that I didn’t feel like picking that book or any other one.

It was half a year later when I laid my hands on a book that was free-flowing and took me into a world I enjoyed.

So without realizing it, within a period of a few months, I had fallen out of and in love with reading.

But, what if I never got the chance of getting a book I enjoyed?

What if I would have left my reading habit for a book that was way beyond me at that time?

I would have missed one of the biggest joys of life. Reading books.

It is for this simple reason, you must also introspect and find out the reason, if at all you are there, for falling out of love with reading.

And because I have been there, let me make your task easy.

You Made This A Chore

Every year-end, social media is filled with people claiming the number of books they have read and the best 10,20,30 books to read to improve their life.

FOMO can make you believe that you are missing something on this journey.

You also go on a reading spree to finish a maximum number of books. But, it’s just a matter of weeks and you are getting bored with the same task you enjoyed earlier.

The problem is that you started to read because you liked reading, not because you wanted to prove or show someone the number of books you were reading.

With the pressure of finishing the maximum number of books in a year, you have forgotten to enjoy reading. Instead, your focus is on finishing the book as soon as possible.

The joy has become a chore and when joy moves out of the process, you are too human to fall out of the love for the process.

You Are Not Growing as A Reader

The human mind is wired to look for challenges and enjoy the growth which comes with overcoming those challenges.

Reading books is not just an experience to enjoy the stories. It is also a process to make you familiar with the different aspects of lives told through these stories.

It is a process to help you grow as an individual.

Maybe the books you are reading are not giving you any new aspects of the story.

Maybe they are not bringing any new challenges to your thought process.

Maybe they are not questioning your beliefs.

And because you like all of that, you are not enjoying the reading anymore.

Find out what new challenge as a reader you can throw at yourself and give yourself some time before you fall in love with reading the books again.

You Are Stuck in the Same Genre

There are chances that you started reading one particular genre of books and haven’t tasted any other genre after that.

Maybe you have labeled yourself as a reader who enjoys teenage romance.

But, are you the same person you were five years ago in your teenage years?

I am sure, No.

Your personality has changed with life experiences over time and you may no longer be the same person who used to enjoy that genre.

But, you are not willing to change that label you have applied to yourself.

Give yourself a chance.

Try changing the genre you are reading, and seek suggestions from your near ones as knowing you, they might suggest the right genre for you.

Give it some time before you again zero in on a genre as you stopped once for the teenage romance.

And once that is picked up, you rekindle your romance with the book reading again.

You Think You Have Become Too Smart to Gain Anything from Any New Book

You are smart.

In fact, you are too smart.

Too smart to get anything new from any new book because you know and understand whatever is there to know and understand.

That is your view of yourself.

So, reading books is a waste of time for you. And when you think of something as a waste of time, there are almost negligible chances that you are going to enjoy that process.

You Have Lost the Art of Having Patience

Reading books is an experience, a therapy, and a meditation for people in love with reading.

They would trade it with very few other activities in this world.

And because it’s an experience, it can be enjoyed and felt when you are fully present in it.

With so many distractions around us, our mind has become jumping monkey. Add to it the instant availability of all the services at the click of a button, our patience level has reached an all-time low.

Unfortunately, reading a book takes time, and enjoying it takes even more time.

But, your impatience generated from the other parts of your life has eaten into this habit of yours without you even realizing it.

Summing Up

Once a reader, always a reader.

You can fall out of love with reading but you are going to miss those old days when you used to enjoy that process.

Hop on to that feeling.

Leverage that feeling to find the reasons for not enjoying the reading and work on that so that you can again get lost in the world of the words.

5 Reasons Why You Fell Out of Your Love for Reading was originally published in Books Are Our Superpower on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Your family and your close friends will always love you no matter what.

That is the bond they share with you. But the respect which they have for you will not stay forever.

You have to earn that and constantly work to sustain it.

And if you don’t understand that, it won’t take long before your close ones start giving hints which tell how little respect they have for you.

The outside world may respect you for the position you have, and the material benefits you bring to them, but your closest circle will respect you for the person you are.

Make sure you live up to that.

Here are some of the reasons why the people in your life might end up with a low opinion of you (even if they don’t stop loving you for it!):

You don’t keep your word

“Your word is your honor. If you say you are going to do something, then you need to do it.”- Joyce Meyer

You are good at making promises, to yourself and to others.

What you are not good at is keeping those promises.

In fact, you don’t even remember them after you have made them.

It’s the emotions at that moment which make you feel committed to something, but it was never your intention to follow up on that.

And the result is that slowly, your family doesn’t even care what promises you make to them. They know these are just shallow words.

You are not taking ownership of your life

You have been a child, and now maybe you are a teenager, an adult searching for the right direction in life, or an adult who is running a family of his/her own.

Whatever stage of life you are in, there are aspects of your life for which you can’t be dependent on your family anymore.

You can take guidance from others in the family or friend circle, and you can seek their opinion and help. But it’s you who have to take ownership of your life.

So what happens if you don’t do that and blame others for the things happening in your life?

They might stay silent or start an argument, but their opinion of you will be lowered.

You take them for granted

Don’t take people for granted. No matter how much they love you, people get tired eventually. We are all given chances, but you never know when the last chance may be.”- Anonymous

Loved ones do things that only they can do. They take care of you, listen to you, go that extra mile for your sake.

But, they do that because they want to, not because they always have to.

You live in this illusion that they are doing this:

1. Because they have to;
2. Because you are doing them a favor by being in their lives.

So, you don’t appreciate whatever they do for you and always take their love, their care, their blessings, support, and help for granted.

You expect them to be there always for you, irrespective of how you behave or treat them.

The family will do things because you are part of the family. But that could become a forced effort after a time — more a boring duty than a product of genuine emotion towards you.

And over a period, if you continue to be a jerk, they might not even continue to make that forced effort at all. They’ll cut their losses.

You are always complaining

No one likes to be around you if you’re filled with negativity all the time.

But in the family, people have no choice.

They will try to talk you around and make you understand in either a polite way or with a stern warning about your negative behavior.

But if you keep griping and blaming the world for your misfortunes, the respect which they have for you will surely get dented.

You are not growing

There is only one constant in life — change.

Whether that change is for better or worse depends on so many factors, but what is in your hand needs to be taken care.

Your thought process, your physical well-being, your financial well-being, and your relationships, all can get better if you at least take care of your part of the deal.

But the issue is that you don’t want to do that.

You refuse to do the work required to grow and move to the next level in every aspect of your life.

So, while people around you are becoming a better version of themselves, you are still stuck on that level.

And if the main reason for that is your attitude, you are going to lose some respect in the eyes of those who care about you.

You play victim mode all the time

You are always at the receiving end of some great injustice.

It’s never your fault.

There is always someone else who has made you do things.

But odds are that people around you have stopped believing this story a long time ago. They have stopped expecting anything from you because they know your reaction.

Closing Thoughts:

Your world starts from the house you live in, the family you have, and the friends and loved ones you share your life with.

These are the people who fill the inner core of your being, your emotions, and your beliefs.

While you may not realize it, the faith, respect, and belief they have in you, give you the confidence to go out in the outer world to fight your battles.

But if you start losing that respect on your home front, it is going to impact your inner and outer world.

It is going to hurt not only you, but your people as well. They want to respect you but you are not giving them the reasons to do so.

But before it’s too late, take things in your hands and work on yourself.

Make them proud again because there is no better feeling than seeing your people happy and proud because of you.

Six Reasons You Are Losing the Respect of Your Loved Ones was originally published in Wholistique on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The world is busier than ever. But also, reaching people has never been so easy. And that has made social etiquette a must-have.

On top of that, there is no dearth of people with fickle egos who are looking for reasons to put someone down.

With cutthroat competition everywhere, you wouldn’t want to lose that extra edge for some silly mistakes. But there are many among us who make these mistakes while talking to people over the phone for the first time.

1. Not introducing yourself

I had a friend who would call people and start with the things he wanted to discuss and wanted to be done.

Invariably, once he was done, the other person would ask who he was. After the formalities, my friend had to repeat what he said earlier.

It was a waste of time. And it reflected my friend’s lack of basic social etiquette.

When we meet in person, we introduce ourselves before discussing any matter. We do this even when we assume the other person knows who we are!

It’s even more important to introduce yourself properly over the phone. Remember, the other person might not have seen you ever.

With your name, it’s easier to imagine who he or she is talking to. That will surely not break the ice immediately, but at least give a small crack in that ice.

2. Not asking for the name of the other person

Even though you dialed the right number, there is a chance that the phone might be picked up by someone else.

And even if the same person has picked up your call, by asking them “Am I speaking to [name]?”, you are sending a signal that you know them.

As per a study, your brain gets activated in a certain way when you hear your name. It sends a signal to the brain that alerts you psychologically.

The same thing happens over the phone.

The other person’s mind is not immediately ready to absorb what you are saying as they weren’t expecting your call. But the moment you address them by their name, their mind is alert to listen to you. Even though they don’t know you yet, you know them. That means you’re worth paying attention to.

3. Not asking whether the other person is in a position to take your call or not

Just like you are occupied with many things in your life, other people are also living their life.

Nobody is sitting idle throughout the day expecting your call.

So when you call, there is a high chance that they might already be occupied with some other thing. Your call may be a hindrance to the work they are doing, or to some well-earned relaxation.

It’s better to ask people whenever you call if they are in a position to talk. If they are, go ahead.

If they are not, wrap things up quickly and ask when they’re up for conversation.

4. Not giving the reference of the common contact

Some people are not very keen on entertaining strangers.

In such cases, it’s very important if you introduce yourself and spell out the common reference at the very beginning. Explain how you got the number or what connects you to the person you’re calling.

It will help them warm up to you immediately.

5. Not giving enough context

In the film industry, there is a craze for making sequels. If someone asks you to see the third part of a trilogy straight away, without showing you the first two parts, and then they expect you to understand everything — what would you call that person?

Yeah, yeah, I know. :)

The same thing happens when you start with what you want to convey to the other person, without giving the background information necessary.

That person is sure to get irritated. If they have to keep interrupting you with questions, it will ruin the flow of the conversation.

Before you start dialing, get a clear idea of what you want to say and how to explain it.

6. Not listening to what the other person is trying to tell you

Sometimes we are in such a hurry — or feeling so much excitement to share our thoughts — that we forget that the other person is also trying to say something.

The result is that you speak past each other. Moreover, the other person feels increasingly irritated.

Remember: it doesn’t matter who talks first, it’s all about joining the pieces of the puzzle which your call is going to solve.

What you say is one piece, what the other person says is another piece of the puzzle.

If required, give the other person a chance to put his or her piece first, and then work from there.

Final Thoughts:

A lot of us live our lives on autopilot mode.

But that is only when we are concerned with ourselves. The moment we have to deal with others, we feel the need for an instruction manual to navigate the bylanes of this world.

This manual doesn’t give specific instructions. You have to adapt to the person on the other side.

Still, the first time calling someone over the phone also requires certain etiquette. If you learn these fundamentals, you will have a smoother drive along the roads of life.

Avoid These 6 Mistakes While Talking over the Phone to Someone First Time was originally published in Wholistique on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“I want to be a disco dancer.”- I replied to the uncle at my birthday party who asked about what I wanted to become when I grow up.

It stayed with me till my college life. I loved dancing. Then in college, the acting bug bite me and I did a couple of dramas. I was fascinated with that.

Then I got a job and lost my way onto what I wanted to do until I sat down to see my compass, adjusted my map, and did a SWOT for my life.

The result was the start of my writing journey.

Since then, every now and then, I sit down to view and assess the path I am on, the journey I am taking, and the destination I have in mind.

It has been a game changer in multiple areas of my life and I have recommended this to many of my friends to do. But, why should you also do it?

To readjust your path

When the wife of Great inventor Thomas Alva Edison was asked about the secret of his success, she replied that he is in sync with nature.

And what does nature do?

It grows and it readjusts. Ever seen a straight river? A straight mountain? A straight ocean?

No right?

All of them have shapes that have developed over the years as they grew in the direction they could find their way.

Their sole objective was to grow. Doesn’t matter if they had to change their path for that which ended up giving them a not-so-straight shape.

But, who cares?

If you want to have a life as momentous as that river, that ocean, and that mountain, you need to keep readjusting your path every now and then.

And that will happen when you will check your map to see whether that path is still taking you to your destination or not.

To check whether you want to change your destination

When you start your journey in life, you decide your destination based on your understanding of life at that point in time.

As you grow older, you change, you evolve and so do your idea of the life you want to have.

There are high chances that you might want to change your destination after that. There might be multiple reasons for that:

• That destination might not be the right thing for you in life.
• You deserve something better now.
• There are much better options available now compared to when you started.

If you don’t stop, reassess your life, and reexamine what you want from your life, you might end up at the place you wanted to go when you were younger.

But, if you keep on checking the blueprint you are following for your life, you will be able to direct yourself to the destination you want to go to now.

To refuel yourself

Any journey in life requires fuel- of course of a different kind.

But we are in so much hurry to reach our destination, there are times when we forget to refuel ourselves.

The result is the breakdown of our vehicle in the middle of the journey. This can result in:

• You getting delayed for your final destination.
• Somebody else coming and taking your place in that destination.
• You getting burnt out because of the delay in the journey.
• You getting distracted for some other purpose that is not for your taking.
• Other people come and demotivate you from taking that journey.

All of this can be avoided.

Stop at regular intervals to refuel yourselves emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually.

How much fuel you need and at what interval you should stop, will depend on the path you are taking and the destination you have in mind.

You will get to know all of that when you stop to check your life map every now and then.

To re-equip yourself

Change is the only constant in life.

So as you move ahead in your life, it would ask for a new level of you to move ahead.

You would need to grow physically, mentally, financially, emotionally, and spiritually to move past the bumps life is going to bring during your journey.

You must be smart enough to understand that. Anticipate that in advance so that before there is a bump, you are equipped in all ways to handle and move past that.

And that smartness will come when you face challenges, one after one.

Regular scrutiny of your life, your vision, your dreams, and your values are required.

You also need to adapt the learnings from these challenges so that you know what you need, and what you need to become to reach there.

To check whether you are leaving anyone behind

Even though we come alone in this world and go alone, no one takes this journey alone.

There will always be some kind souls in your life who will meet you at every stage, stay with you for some distance, serve their purpose and move away.

But, there will be a few souls who would be the base of your life, the core of your journey. Their sole purpose is to make sure you reach your destination.

There are times when in the excitement of reaching your destination, you might leave behind these people, intentionally or unintentionally, doesn’t matter.

What is important here is this:

You might achieve what you wanted to. You might become what you wanted to be. But, if you are not taking these angels along with you, your journey is of no use, your achievements will always be incomplete.

So stop every now and then, check who all are coming with you, and who is left behind.

If someone from your core is left behind, help them to move up so that you can move together and complete the journey.

Whether you are using the right map

Robert Downey Jr. is one of the perfect examples of a person using the wrong map.

Early in his life, he was a drug addict, following the path of a drug addict, and ended up in jail.

Even though that was not his destination, the wrong path led him there.

He corrected his path and corrected his destination.

All of that happened when he changed his map, he changed his values, he changed his belief system, and he changed his blueprint.

Check if you are also trapped in the jungle due to the wrong map.

Leave that as soon as possible and get the correct one that serves you and start a new journey to a destination which the new you deserve.

Final Thoughts:

Life is a journey where you are the driver. Where you take this vehicle called life, depends on you.

You might be the best driver around, follow the best route, and head to the best destination in this world, you need to remember a few realities of this journey.

There are multiple others like you who are taking this journey with you. Knowingly or unknowingly, they will cross your path and may deviate you from your path.

It’s not their fault.

As a driver, it’s your duty to stop every now and then, check what is right for this vehicle and carry on.

If not for that, you might burn the fuel and crash the vehicle along the way or end up wasting your time on the wrong route to a total waste destination.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want that.

Why Is It Important to Check Your Map Every Now and Then was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The world has changed rapidly in the last two centuries. Before that, it has spent centuries developing the way society and we as humans function.

But, still, the ideas given by the Greek philosopher Socrates tens of centuries ago have withstood the test of time.

One of the great pillars of the Greek Golden age, Socrates thought well ahead of his time.

But, those insights, those words have helped billions of people to build a life they can be proud of and probably would continue to do so for generations hereafter.

1. The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing

Socrates was one of the first philosophers who emphasized learning and knowledge. He himself was an avid learner.

But, that doesn’t mean he thought of himself as someone who was a know-it-all kind of a guy.

This one simple understanding of the fact that how much ever you have learned on a given subject, how much ever command you have over that topic, the wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing about that subject.

Reasons being:

• You have only learned what is available to you. There might be something more to what you have come across now or there might be something that is discovered or created later on.
• Your understanding of the subject is from the lens of your perception. There will be a different view of the things that you see and that view is hidden from you now.
• When you start from the point that you know nothing, you question the assumptions, givens on that topic which not only help you to sharpen your skills but also presents you with a different version of the subject.

When you do this exercise and follow the principle that you know nothing about things, you will be a lifelong learner.

And this simple change in your thinking will always take you one step higher in your life game.

2. The unexamined life is not worth living

Your life is nothing but a journey toward a destination that may keep changing as you move ahead.

At a young age, you might be interested in money and fame, then when you grow up, you want to have family time and freedom to live your life your way. All this while you also need to take care of your health, your family responsibilities, self-care, social obligations, and whatnot.

But, if you are not constantly monitoring the compass of your life, you might deviate from your path.

Most of the successful people in this world have a regular audit of their lives to ensure that they:

1. Continue what is working and change what is not working.
2. Realign their destination to the values they have for their lives.
3. Realign their daily routine to their final destination.
4. Remove what values don’t serve them anymore or don’t resonate with them.
5. Add the people or values or rituals which align with their vision.

Once this is done on regular basis, you will have better control of the path you are taking. Else you will just be wandering in this jungle and would waste the precious time you have got.

3. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

I had a colleague who used to park his car in the wrong way in the office parking. Sometimes when I had to park alongside him, I was irritated as hell as thinking that fellow didn’t have that much sense.

After a year or so, I happen to meet him with his family at a shopping mall and that meeting hit me hard as there I met his son who had down syndrome.

Now imagine the plight of a father to see his son like that and come to the office every day with that tension. Do you think that parking the car in the right way is the thing most important to him in life?

No way.

That meeting and that incident hit me so hard that from then onwards I try to understand people and the scenarios they might be facing before judging anyone.

When you do that, you become more understanding, empathetic, and kind to people.

Unfortunately, these kinds of people are in scarcity in our world. So when you become one of them, you are taking yourself and your life to a different level.

4. The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less

In the book “Psychology of money”, Morgan Housel talks about the concept of “Enough”. Knowing when it’s enough for you is the key to having control over your actions and your life.

There will always be someone who would have more money than you, doesn’t matter what stage you are unless you are the richest man in the world. And after a point, any extra money is for the accounts to keep, it doesn’t add any value to your life.

The same stands true for other aspects of your life. If you keep on running after having more and more, you will never have the time to enjoy what you have.

When you find yourself doing that. Ask yourself why you want these things. Will they add any more value to the satisfaction or happiness you derive from the things you already have?

Almost all the time answer will be a No.

Enjoy the money you have,

Enjoy the time you have,

Enjoy the relationships you have,

Enjoy the health you have.

The purpose of life is to enjoy and feel good and happy, it’s not to have more.

And when you get that, you have more time and energy left which you can utilize for much better stuff.

5. Death may be the greatest of all human blessings

Ever since I can remember, death has been leveled as the biggest suffering of life.

We fear death and try to avoid it at all costs knowing full well that it will come when it has to, we have no power over it. But before that, we also need to change our perception.

There is a famous quote by Kurt Cobain-

” Nobody dies a virgin, Life f*cks us all.”

That means there is suffering every day when you are alive or for a lot of days. But we still want it. And what does death brings?

It brings an end to the suffering you have had. Isn’t it a blessing?

Who doesn’t want the suffering to end?

Once you perceive it in that way, you remove the fear of death and live life the way it has to be lived. You take decisions and paths you wouldn’t have otherwise and that separates you from the crowd who is holding the life in the fear of death.

6. Every action has its pleasures and its price

Austrian Neurologist Sigmund Freud’s pain and pleasure principle suggests that people make choices to avoid pain and gain pleasure.

While you will gain some pleasure out of every activity that you do, the pain you are trying to avoid will always come with a cost.

There is no free lunch in this world.

Every step you take in one direction is taking you one step away from another opportunity.

If you understand this and train your mind to take actions that may be painful in the short term but will give immense pleasure in the long term, you are setting up yourself for life, that a few people can boast of.

7. Prefer knowledge to wealth, for the one is transitory, the other perpetual

During the first year of my professional career, one of my senior colleagues gave me a lesson — ‘If you learn well, you can always earn well. Focus on learning well first, money will come automatically.”

Hardly I knew that this was the principle based on centuries-old learnings by the great Socrates.

Knowledge is something that is the base of the tree called your life. If you keep the base strong, the branches of that tree are going to give your fruits forever.

Whereas, wealth is like a branch of your tree for which knowledge is the root. Wealth may come and go like other branches of the tree, the root called knowledge will help you navigate even if one or two branches fall.

8. The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be

Your words are when you think you are, your actions are what you actually are. Your actions are the parameter by which the world notices you and recognize you.

Nobody is bothered if you are playing small with your life. They will take you as it is and respect you for what you are.

But if you play fake, play big with your words, and small with your actions, then you are surely going to lose the respect of the people.

The world honors you by the actions you take. And the world honors those people even more who are true to their words.

You need to be sure of what you say and follow that with action. And once you do that regularly, you will see your worth grow in the eyes of the world around you.

9. It is better to change an opinion than to persist in a wrong one

There is no shame in being wrong. George Bernard Shaw famously said on his death bed-

“I'd like to be the person I could have been but never was.”

That means he is accepting that he has lived a life he believed is different from what he wanted to live.

He is accepting the mistake he made but, he didn't have any time to amend that mistake. You have that time.

There is no point in hanging with an opinion that you realize is wrong and is going to take you in the wrong direction.

Life is all about course correction and it happens by the way you perceive things.

The Sooner you understand and implement that, you will not only shorten your learning curve, but you will also get to experience more highs.

Final Thoughts

Socrates was someone who gave his life for the sake of the principles of his life.

We don’t have to do that at least now.

All you need to do is follow what he gave his life for and in return, you will not only take your life to a higher level but also get more control of your life.

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”- Socrates

9 Socrates Quotes to Help You Level up Your Game was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“If possessing everything is the ‘everything’ of my existence, maybe losing everything is the only ‘thing’ that I really need right now.”― Craig D. Lounsbrough

I remember while growing up I had a dream of buying a watch of a particular brand which I did in my first year of the job.

Then when I had more money, I bought one more watch from a better brand and then the third one from a better brand.

In my mind, I was getting to a higher level in my life with these purchases but nothing can be farther than the truth.

This I realized when I got into a kind of semi-minimalist way wherein I have what I like to have but do not buy things for the sake of buying them.

And with the amount of exposure we have to the things others have or are doing in their lives, it’s likely that you might also be part of that vicious circle without even knowing it.

“Too often, a vast collection of possessions ends up possessing its owner.”
― Warren Buffett

You are always looking to improve the quality of possessions you have

I remember when I bought my first car a couple of years back.

I had not even brought it from the showroom to my car parking when a thought entered my mind.

“I will take that X one after a couple of years.”

This is when I bought the car I wanted to have then after extensive research.

Sound familiar. The constant urge to upgrade our lives is a trap most of us have gotten into.

The companies are rolling out new products every day, with new features, and new designs, and hitting our emotional points urging us to buy them.

And we do.

Without asking :

• Whether I need that?
• Whether that is what I needed?

Selling is their job, but our job is to know what are our needs, our budget, and future plans, and decide based on that.

But we fall into that trap in the name of improving the so-called quality of our lives.

How to avoid this:

There are a few things to consider before you make a purchase:

• Do you need that product?
• Do you need this version of the product from that same company or another one from another company with similar or little lesser features would do?
• Are you buying it because you need it or because a few people around you have it?
• Are you identifying your self-worth with that product?
• Is that product within your budget or do you have to take that on EMI or loan?

Once you answer these questions, you would know whether you should go for that new purchase or not.

You are more concerned about the quality of possessions you have than the quality of your health/thoughts

We have constant access to the market at the touch of our fingertips. On top of that constant notifications informing of discounts on the products are always tempting to make a purchase.

At the same time, you also have access to health-related information. There are apps and websites guiding us to have better mental and physical health.

But, these are the things which don’t interest you.

You are more concerned about improving your external life than your internal life.

Reason- the first one gives instant gratification with a little effort on your willpower whereas the other one needs more willpower and will take many days to show results.

And like so many people out there, you also fall prey to instant gratification than delayed one.

How to improve that:

1) You need to understand that after a point anything you buy is not going to improve its utility value for you. It’s just going to be an item to show off in front of your friends and relatives.

2) If you associate your worth with those material items then, you need to work on your self-esteem. You are what you think, say, behave and do. You and the people around you should, would, and must put your worth based on what you are, not what you have.

“High-priced possessions are all too often used as makeup … to hide low self-esteem.”― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

3) Material things would give you short-term outer happiness, whereas internal growth would bring long-term sustainable satisfaction and happiness.

So, give yourself some time to work on your inner world, see the change for yourself and then decide what route you want to follow in your life.

You judge others based on the things they have

There was a time when I judged people based on the kind of clothes they wear, cars they drive, or houses they have.

You might also be doing that and deciding on the people in your inner circle based on what kind of material possessions they have.

You might be treating people based on what brand of clothes, watches, and shoes they wear, what car they drive, which locality they live in, or what kind of locations they go to for vacations.

How to get out of this mindset:

There is nothing wrong with feeling attracted toward people who are living the life you want to have or you are already having.

But, before you decide or make any opinion about any person, consider a few things:

• Whether the things that person has are coming from his savings or he is piling up debt for that stuff.
• Some people who don’t seem to have the “in” materialistic things, might be the ones having full control of their financial life and;
• There may be people around you who are doing good materialistically but are lagging in terms of internal as well as personal growth. Whereas some other people who don’t look like having a lot of materialistic things might be rich in their inner life.

Final thoughts

Everything that we have in our life around us is for our convenience.

These things are for our use, for making our lives easier and more enjoyable. The problem comes when we make the accumulation of these things our most important job.

Our time on this planet is limited and we need things to make sure we are using this time in the most efficient way.

If you spend most of your time and money on the accumulation of these items, you are not only wasting your time but also doing an insult to your efforts.

Once you understand it, you will think twice before spending time and energy on the things that are not adding any more value to your life and will move out of this vicious cycle of possessions to create a life of purpose.

“Life is not about possessions, it is about purpose, perseverance and passion.”
― Farshad Asl

How to Know If You Are Trapped in a Life of Possessions? was originally published in Curious on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“Busy your mind with the concepts of harmony, health, peace, and good will, and wonders will happen in your life.”- Joseph Murphy

“I have some internal clock within me. I can wake up whatever time I want.”

There are certain incidents, certain moments, and certain words which have an ever-lasting impact on your life. These words told to me by my grandfather had the same effect on me.

I have always struggled to get up on time except for the times I had a train or a flight to catch where I would wake up at the time I wanted. But for my grandfather, it was child’s play.

I was fascinated by his habit of getting up early whenever he wanted.

The mystery continued until years later the answer came in the form of a book and the moment I had my hands on that book, somehow I had the feeling- “This is what I was searching for in my life.”

And I wasn’t proven wrong.

“The power of your subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy is one book that not only changed the direction of my life but also changed the way I live and look at the world.

What Is This Book About?

This book is all about the answers you are seeking in every aspect of your life like :

• Career,
• Relationship,
• Money,
• Health, or any other aspect of your life.

The book tells you the ways you can build each of these areas in your life the way you want if you take control of your subconscious mind.

But before That, What Is the Subconscious Mind?

The subconscious mind is that part of your mind which is passive, the invisible one. It is sleeping most of the time but has a much higher impact compared to the active or conscious mind.

It’s like the blueprint of your life. The way you develop your subconscious mind, your life will pan out the same way.

“Over ninety percent of your mental life is subconscious. If you fail to make use of this marvelous power, you condemn yourself to live within very narrow limits.”- Joseph Murphy

What I Learned from This Book

Before I read this book, I used to classify people into two categories- successful and failures.

And all of that depended on your luck and the family you were born to.

I could never understand the meaning of Bill gates famous quote -

” If you are born poor, it’s not your fault, but if you die poor, it’s your fault.”

As I moved on my journey with this book, I not only understood this quote but a few other things as well:

1. Your mind is the most powerful weapon you have.
2. It doesn’t matter what you have, where you were born, or what kind of life you are having currently. If you can control your thoughts and work on reframing your subconscious mind, you can change your life.
3. You attract in your life what you feed in your mind, and it works in every aspect of your life- Career, money, health, relationships, or anything of importance to you.
4. Prayers are an important part of your life. Praying to the universe for the life you want is the basic step of building a life of your dreams
5. You need to check your thoughts and your beliefs in whatever area of life you are facing problems and in the area that is blossoming. The difference will make you aware of the steps you need to take.

“Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire. Your desire is your prayer. It comes out of your deepest needs and it reveals the things you want in life.”- Joseph Murphy

With these amazing learnings, I could understand a few important things about people around us and what led them there.

People are having brilliant careers and are rich but they suffer in their relationships or health matters. Earlier I wondered why so.

Now I know that their blueprint in that aspect of life is shaken. And maybe either they aren’t aware of that or they haven’t worked with their mind on that aspect.

Some people earn good money but lose it soon. It tells about the fears they have with having money and they are yet to work on that aspect of their lives.

Like this, when you segregate the lives of people in different areas and try to understand their blueprint, their thoughts, and their beliefs in those areas, you would know the reasons why something is working for them while they are suffering in other aspects.

And this understanding of the people around me has given me the tool to be more kind and more understanding of the people than judging them based on what they say or do.

So now if someone is being toxic towards people or cribbing about some aspect of their lives, I know that it’s not their fault as such.

Their system is wired that way and they are unaware of that.

And if that person is open enough to discuss that, I try to make them aware of the problem they have and guide them to work on that stuff.

This has not only helped me to understand people in a better way, but it has also improved my relationship with people around me.

Final Thoughts:

Some books touch your lives and some books change your life. The power of your subconscious mind lands in the latter category for me.

It has not only helped me to clear my view of the world, but it has also guided me to create a better life for myself in every aspect.

This book is a bible of lessons for improving the quality of your life but if I have to take two most important impacts for me for this book, then they are:

1. Your mind is the key to whatever you want to have or achieve or become in life.
2. Understanding others’ limitations will help you to be more empathetic than judgmental. Be kind to people, sometimes, they themselves don’t know that they are fighting a battle.

One Book That Redefined the Way I Look at the World was originally published in Books Are Our Superpower on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I got up as if I was hit hard by some log.

The insight was plain and simple in this amazing book “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga:

“All Problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”

Isn’t it the most obvious thing around us?

But still, we never notice it, unless some great minds like these put these plain thoughts in our minds and we wonder what can we do. I was no different.

I was someone who struggled to talk to people and judged them in every instant. But then I started working on my interpersonal skills which led me to a level where now, I try to understand the storm beneath the calmness.

The first step in this direction was to realize that you are one-half of the problem. You need to work on yourself before you expect any work from the other side of the equation as Author Sukant Ratnakar pointed out:

“If you are upset by someone’s behaviour, this only means that you have to work on yourself before you try to correct the other person.”

Your work starts with the way you perceive another side of the equation. And with two tiny shifts, you can make a big leap from your side to the other side.

No one is perfect

Most of the people in our lives fall into two categories: one you like and the other ones you dislike.

Most of the relations are on these two extreme ends of the spectrum of interpersonal relationships.

But what made you choose these ends for those individuals?

You would have several reasons for having an opinion about these individuals.

But what happens when we make these opinions and perceptions about an individual?

We tend to see all of their actions from that lens.

So even if the person you like does anything bad, you justify yourself by taking that one odd thing as an unintentional mistake.

Whereas if the person you don’t like does anything well, you don’t even bother to think about it.

The fact is that neither persons are as you assume them to be.

We are humans and we are not perfect. All of us have some or other flaws in our character, in our thinking, in our behaviors, and our actions.

And almost all of us do things which are considered too good as per society.

Your opinion is based on which side of their personality you have been exposed to.

Once you understand this and start dealing with people without that lens, you get into a new world. You realize that you were missing so many other facets of the people.

With this, you would stop putting the burden of expectations on the person you like. And you would also stop seeing the other person from the same lens every time.

Not only that, as you know now that they might be struggling with other areas of their lives, instead of judging them, you can help them to become a better version of themselves.

This will not only take your relations with them to a higher level, but with word of mouth, your other relations would also improve.

Cause ultimately what an individual wants- someone to understand their plight without judging them.

And when you can do that, you can create wonders in your relations.

There is something to learn from everyone

This one lesson has helped me the most in my interpersonal relations and helped me grow as an individual as well.

Like I said earlier, there are two kinds of individuals in your life: One you get along with while other ones you don’t.

When I started observing people to learn something from them, initially I only looked for people who I believed were:

1) successful,

2) well-behaved, and;

3) looked like having a decent financial status.

But, as I went into my self-development journey a couple of years later, I realized what a fool I have been.

I was missing a mountain of information I could get from the people I didn’t want to observe.

All of these people had different-different attributes in their personalities and their lives like:

1. They weren’t successful as per the framework set by the world
2. Some of them behaved roughly toward people
3. Some had no empathy
4. Some of them were struggling financially
5. A few had multiple flaws in their character
6. Disastrous personal lives
7. Deteriorating mental and physical health

All these things were the result of certain decisions, certain actions, and thought processes of these people.

And when I paid attention to that I realized that as much as life is about knowing what to do, it’s also about knowing what not to do.

By observing successful people I got to know the things I should do in life. But by observing the people having these life facets, I realized the things I should not do in life.

This one thought led me to these other kinds of people so that I can talk to them, listen to their minds and understand what brought them to this position.

And while I was listening to them for my own benefit, I realized that it benefitted them as well.

These frustrated souls know what is wrong with them and with their lives, it’s just that they are not able to win over themselves. They were in pain.

And when they shared that pain with me, they felt good and felt understood.

This simple exercise improved my relationship with them. And then because they had more experience of failing, they gave me the routes to avoid in life so that I don’t make the same mistakes as they did.

Final Thoughts

It doesn’t matter what degree you have, how much money you have, or how talented you are, unless you are good at managing your interpersonal relationships, you are going to stay stuck in your life.

This is one thing that we tend to not understand.

All through your life, you are always going to deal with people in the form of family, colleagues, friends, and society.

So unless you sort this side of the story, your life will forever be filled with a mess and tension.

But if you take control of this side of the story, it will bring peace and harmony to your life beyond your imagination. It will benefit you in so many ways you wouldn’t have even imagined.

So if you are someone like so many of us out there who is struggling with an interpersonal relationship, take these two steps in your interpersonal relationships and see your life blossom in ways only the universe knows.

Two Mindset Shifts Needed to Improve Your Interpersonal Relations was originally published in Better Humans on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” — Hellen Keller

“I never want to feel this way ever again”- This is what a young Rafa Nadal told his father after a defeat in a local tournament.

He was angry with himself for not practicing well and that led him to have pain he didn’t want again.

He made sure that with a supreme work ethic, a brilliant team, and constant hard work to push himself better in each aspect of his game.

So much for not wanting to have a negative emotion.

No one wants to have a negative emotion but everyone has it. The only thing that differs is how you deal with it.

I remember the first time when I realized that I was jealous of the success of a friend and I felt bad.

I felt bad for having that negative feeling. I shouldn’t feel bad about the success of my friends and I loathed myself for that.

But as I worked on that aspect of my being, I came across a few more levels and continue to oscillate among them based on how I am able to control my emotions.

Level one of having negative emotions:

The first level is, of course, you having that feeling and having no idea that you have it.

This is the level where a majority of the population is. You are no different.

You envy the life some of the people in your circle have.

You are jealous of them.

You have resentment towards them as if they have taken away something from you.

Your first thought is towards the shortcomings someone or some situation has.

You are frustrated and angry about petty issues.

You feel inadequate or incapable of achieving anything.

You are filled with fear of different kinds.

But the worst part about all of that is- You are not consciously aware of these emotions/feelings you have.

You associate your being with those emotions as most of these emotions are due to the experiences since childhood you have had and the scarcity mindset you have developed with that.

At this level, you are totally controlled by these negative emotions and have no control of your life.

How to deal with this level:

Accepting your flaws and working on them is the first step in the right direction and the same holds good here as well.

Recognize and accept that you have these negative emotions and that doesn’t make you any lesser or bad or incompetent person.

Learn to understand the energy, and the vibes you have on various occasions. These emotions are nothing but the energy you generate after getting news or after thinking a particular thought.

So, before you deal with these emotions, you need to know what triggers these emotions in you and why these instances are triggering these emotions in you.

Level two of having negative emotions:

Once you start to understand how you feel and think on various occasions, over a period you will reach a situation where you would recognize a negative thought the moment it enters your mind.

That‘s the biggest difference between level one and level two.

Consider your mind like your house.

In level one- You don’t even know whether someone (a negative emotion) has entered your house. In fact, sometimes you are not even aware of the boundaries of your house as well.

In level two- you are consciously aware that you have a house and the moment any negative emotion tries to enter your mind, you catch it.

It’s like there is a sensor at the door of your house and it catches any dangerous element entering the house.

The place where you’re stuck in the second level is after you have caught that emotion.

You feel bad for having that emotion. You criticize yourself for having that emotion.

When it’s recurring, you get frustrated with yourself.

Sometimes when you are not able to control it for a longer period even after trying hard, you get into self-pity mode. You feel sorry for yourself.

This comes from having two versions of you.

There is one version of you who knows that what the other version doing is wrong but it also knows that despite all the right efforts, it’s not able to get rid of the negative emotions it has now and then.

Though being in this level is better than level one but is more frustrating.

Consciously you want to take your life in one direction while your subconscious is taking it in another direction and this creates a mess that is difficult to deal with.

How to deal with this level:

Remember this one thing whenever you are frustrated with yourself- You are a human, not a robot.

Love, hate, happiness, sadness, anger, envy, jealousy and so many other emotions are part of your system ever since you are born.

You are born with these gifts by the universe and there is nothing wrong with having them.

You have had these emotions for years together with you and they are part of your subconscious mind, so now they won’t go in a jiffy.

They will for sure but they will take time.

There is no point in getting frustrated that you have a negative emotion.

Instead, be happy that you are able to catch one when you have one. That itself is a victory and a step in the right direction.

The third level of having negative emotions

“Don’t fight against negative emotions-It’s exhausting. Try to embrace them instead.”― Anoir Ou-Chad

This is the level where you are not only able to catch every negative emotion you have, but you are also comfortable with having them.

This is the level where your subconscious mind has slowly absorbed the newfound positivity in you.

It has also removed the umbilical cord of these negative emotions from it.

But they had their home in your subconscious mind for so long so they can’t help but come back only to realize that the subconscious mind is telling them a harsh truth — they don’t belong there anymore.

This comes from knowing certain things:

1. That negative emotion doesn’t define you
2. You control these emotions rather than these emotions controlling you
3. You accept that there will always be someone:

• doing better than you,
• who won’t do things according to you,
• who would want to pull you down

But, you know that all of that is not in your control.

You appreciate the people who are doing better than you, take inspiration from them, and move ahead.

You don’t criticize people trying to pull you down or doing unnecessary things as you know, they are suffering.

You become comfortable with these negative emotions and will have more peace & happiness within you and around you.

What Next:

There may never be a point in your life where none of the negative emotions visit you unless you become a zombie or a robot.

They are part of your being like other positive emotions.

The key is to make sure to create a life, externally and internally, where you don’t feel the need to consciously feel these negative emotions.

For that, you have to work not only on your outer game but your inner game as well, and slowly, these emotions will reduce their visits to you.

And if you learn to recognize them and become their master, you can use them to propel your life as Rafa Nadal did.

Rafa Nadal didn’t want to have that feeling where he lost after not giving his best in the preparation.

He built a highly demanding life but he prepared himself for that. He trains hard, he takes care of his mental health, and he has a team and family who make sure he is in a stable zone.

But, despite that, he loses sometimes, feels bitter about that but then, bows his head to the opponent and moves on to cover up the loopholes in his game.

That is what you are expected to do. It’s an ongoing process.

But until you are aware of that and working on it, you are way ahead in the game and can control the direction your life is moving into.

How We Act On Negative Emotions Decides the Direction of Our Life was originally published in Better Humans on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.