Spring is around the corner. It’s true as Buddhist philosopher Nichiren Daishonin writes: “winter always turns to spring.” It’s been a crazy winter for everyone and yet we endure and stay focused on literally sunnier days.

Knowing this fact to be true the looming question remains when the news is not good, what the heck do, we do now? We all know that maintaining a positive attitude is paramount. It also takes effort and is often easier said than done.

Keeping it real, have you ever felt so hopeless or frustrated the idea of moving forward seems, well, useless?

Where is the line between victim mentality and being a realist? It is often a very slim tightrope. This became ever apparent at a recent visit to my orthopedic surgeon while I was in New York City. As we all know by now my right leg was crushed by a bus and has been rebuilt with the heroic effort of some remarkable surgeons.

May 1 will be the thirteenth anniversary of my accident. Truth be told, issues around my leg and my mobility are still a full-time job.

Yes, we move on past trauma.

I have done it and I am sure you have as well. We choose to accept our situation and figure out new ways to be productive, happy, work, move, etc. This is all true. It’s a choice not to be overtaken by life’s dramatic and challenging experiences.

So, what happens when the news continues to be harsh? I made the appointment because I knew things with my knee joint were shifting most likely in the wrong direction. I have been recently reminded everything we have done until this point is limb-saving surgery and that for all intents and purposes, we are still managing a limb-saving situation.

The surgical options are limited and risky at best. I am grateful to have the best medical team in the world as well as a naturopathic team to support my total wellness. As a lifelong dancer, I am, as my doctor reiterated, committed and diligent about daily rehabilitation and managing pain without pills. I never miss a workout; my diabetes is well managed, and my weight is optimal. Let’s be clear. This all takes tremendous WORK. There is a huge time, energy, financial and physical investment. As I continue to state, our wellness is our choice. Daily I choose to do everything I can to stay mobile and strong.

With all this, when the news came down that my knee joint was literally sliding in the wrong direction my heart sank. I made jokes because that’s what I do but inside I was ready to say F~~k it.

I also felt I couldn’t say anything to anyone out of fear of complaining which we know creates no value and zaps our energy. The good news is my first thought was not to eat a cheesecake and go to bed. The negativity did come flooding in because I am a human being. The self-talk was not all full of hope or how I can transform the situation. It sounded more like giving up, pure exhaustion and true frustration and fear. I was viewing the glass as totally empty and thought why do I bother if we are still talking about amputation and more difficult and risky surgery. I admit it, I thought ‘why me.’

The point here is that if you are facing or have faced seemingly impassible situations and this is your response it’s O.K. We are all human. It happens.

The question is what do we do with those thoughts and reactions? It’s been over a week, and I am still processing the news, but I chose to keep moving ahead and manage the tasks at hand. Taking action on any level is an antidote to anxiety. This can be as simple as doing the laundry and making the bed. What tasks will make us feel better? The first order of business is still to feel better. While we may not be back to a place of hope, we can be more comfortable and then explore options. If you need to cry, then cry. Pretending the situation is all hunky-dory when it’s not realistic either. It’s always about the middle way.

What has come to mind is to go back to the basics. For me it’s chanting and staying committed to my spiritual practice, stepping back, and letting myself rest if I am tired. Sometimes determining victory, step one in my book ‘Dance Because You Can,’ is harder than it seems. If like me, you’re not there yet, it’s also O.K.

Keep it simple and be sure to calculate the daily wins. It’s in these moments when we feel the lowest, we create the biggest outcomes.

Staying in the moment is a huge coping mechanism. For today I am not in a burn-intensive care unit, I can walk even if it’s increasingly uncomfortable. I do have choices and an amazing team of people around me, what a gift. Future casting in a worst-case scenario is simply not a good use of time or energy.

What keeps you going when the news isn’t good? We all continue to manage a heavy moment in time and self-care is more important than ever. Literal and figurative baby steps yield huge results. Stay away from the news. Redirect the energy to people and situations where you feel heard and supported. Most importantly, keep moving forward. I am reminding myself daily not only that this too shall pass but that I have gotten this far and so have you.

As always, you are WINNING!

Themes did emerge as the characters grew and expanded.

The head character, Miriam Maisel faced a huge work obstacle at the end of the last season. I was admittedly annoyed because I wanted the happy-go-lucky nature of the writing to continue. When the new episodes recently aired curiosity took over as to where they would go from here.

As I watched it became blatantly obvious that what Mrs. Maisel was experiencing is a lesson and example of what we all go through at one time or another. Reinventing our lives, completely starting from scratch.

For those of us who have faced life and death trauma or have walked away from careers marriages, homes, uncomfortable jobs, or toxic relationships we can all relate. Whether the sharp life change was planned or not is irrelevant, it happened. The question then becomes, what do I do NOW?

As I watched Maisel all the way through episode two it hit me hard, she is literally recreating her career and her life. I don’t want to spoil the story if you haven’t seen season one, but I will say this, a sharp change of direction occurred. Admittedly these new episodes were, at moments, uncomfortable to watch. She had to face her life fully and figure out that earlier question: What NOW?

When have you had the opportunity to completely start over? Like most of us, the initial reaction was probably fear, anxiety, anger, frustration fatigue, or any combination of the above. Let’s be real. Who wants to have to rebuild one or more parts of your life?

I could so relate to Mrs. Maisel. As a dancer, having my leg crushed by a bus, I knew life would never be the same. No matter how mad or depressed I got it wasn’t going to bring the old life back. After a period of wallowing, it was time to shift the focus forward. It was scary, terrifying, actually. There were so many unanswered questions. What could my freshly rebuilt leg do? Would anyone ever love me? What kind of work would I do now and so on.

Mrs. Maisel, with the help of a friend, wakes up to the fact that it was time to take the reins of her life. That’s when things started to shift. This was also my experience. Like Mrs. Maisel, there was no plan at first, just a clear determination and intentional direction. We learned from our mistakes and setbacks. The unexpected outcome was a clearer vision and belief in our own ability.

Having the routine and ease taken away opened space for something bigger and better. The opportunities didn’t fall into place immediately but with action and a willingness to figure it out came fresh energy.

This idea is what I have termed ‘Transforming Trauma into Triumph’. I had to create a new reality. The old life was gone and lamenting it got old and frankly, boring. The panic was replaced with a sense of confidence that yes, this WILL turn around. I WILL be O.K. Anything really IS possible.

If you are feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under you, or the situation is beyond repair, I encourage you to rejoice. Take the moment to plunge ahead and create a new version on your terms.

Never underestimate the power of your life.

You are WINNING!

Earthly desires are enlightenment. Yes, really but not how you might think…

Read any headline or capture any ‘breaking’ story and what does it reflect, everything wrong.

For most of us, the conditioning starts early on. We are told we can’t have what we want, that it is selfish to have big dreams and desires, that money is the root of evil, and so on…

As a result, we create a world of disbelief in our ability. We spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others and often tearing other people down to make ourselves feel better. We become fearful of going after what we want, applying for the job, going to the audition, asking for the raise, or any other ideal we feel is out of our reach.

As we know everything in our environment reflects ourselves. This concept was difficult for me as I was living in victim mode for so much of my life. Especially for those of us who have had significant trauma, it’s so easy to play the blame game. The scenarios are wide, anything from complaining about being broke to physical ailments and weight-related issues.

We wind up tired, physically sick, depressed, and socially isolated. This pretty much sums up most of my young adult life. When I began to look at my own environment it was a bit of a rude wake-up call. Fortunately, I was able to begin, over time, to take stock in my behavior and ideas about what was possible and make some significant adjustments in my actions.

For those of us who are extremists, the opportunities came in huge forms. Becoming legally blind at age 21 forced me to turn over the car keys and stop driving. This event didn’t ‘just happen.’ Feeling victimized the easy out was to blame my diabetes. Let’s dig a little deeper. I was bingeing on everything in sight and my blood sugar was off the charts pretty much all the time. Denial is a great coping skill until it backfired (spoiler alert, it always does). The retinal specialist treating me at the time confronted me about my diabetes management and guess what, I lied. Who did I think I was fooling besides myself saying my blood sugar was well-maintained?

I don’t say this to berate myself but prove the idea that I was living what had been conditioned, that I was sick and incapable of having a full and happy life. Whether it’s conscious or not what we program into our heads matters. The daily personal conversation went something like this on repeat: ‘I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’ll never get that job’ so why try and so on. The flow of these thoughts was constant until finally the causes being made had real-life and horrific effects.

I did not intentionally make causes that led to severe visual impairment. Once I had given up the car keys it was time to reassess everything, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

As time has passed and knowledge has grown it became clear that the conditioning I received as a young person did not serve anymore. How many times do we hear ‘but when I was a child; or ‘My parents did this or that or I didn’t go to college or ‘he doesn’t love me back’ whatever the mental tape is.

It’s been proven that great athletes achieve such high performance by repetition, both mental and physical. How many times do we hear stories of injured athletic stars who spent their rehabilitation time replaying a winning scenario in their minds while rehabilitating their physical bodies?

Despite the setback, their belief in their ability remained firm. They do not allow themselves to be taken down by mental misgivings.

Like physical conditioning to be fit and strong reprogramming, our mental fitness takes energy and effort. We are not beholden to our past, our parents, our illness, our financial situation, or any other myriad of excuses because we don’t succeed. For many of us, it’s become comfortably uncomfortable to stay in the negativity and defeat. If it’s all we’ve known so we stop expecting anything better.

2021 allowed me to embrace some mental redirecting and it’s not always easy. Telling ourselves we are competent and can have what we want and deserve can be unsettling. Like anything new, it gets easier. I took on the challenge with a kind of ‘let’s see what happens.’ Attitude. I forgave myself for things I wish I had done differently. I learned and was determined to not repeat the mistakes. I also determined to have work and personal victories and kept the focus on these wins rather than past challenges that had taken up too much rent in my head.

Guess what? It’s working. New and amazing work opportunities are flowing in with grace, and I welcome them with excitement. New friends and more fun opportunities are also flowing seamlessly. To be honest part of me is like WTF?

Truth be told we are allowed to be happy and prosperous. Whatever obstacles we encounter help us evolve and allow us to become confident and secure and yes abundant. It’s O.K. We don’t have to suffer for the sake of suffering.

With the theme this year of relaxed intensity let’s all push past conditioning that simply no longer serves. I hate to admit it but thinking good thoughts and taking appropriate action simply works.

YOU ARE WINNING!

We made it to September.

My business coach, the outstanding Susie Moore, remarked that September was like a second January.

With the end of summer, school starting, and fall around the corner it’s a good time to take stock and refocus.

A few questions I always ask myself:

What is the state of my direct environment? This means the house, car, office, and any other space where we spend a lot of time.

Is it clean? Is it orderly? Is there trash everywhere? When was the last time we vacuumed the carpet or folded the clothes? Is the bed made? Are the unnecessary papers shredded? Is the cat box changed?

You may ask: “Amy, what does this have to do with achieving my goals and being happy?”

I talk a lot about the concept that everything in our environment reflects our life state. A therapist once told me that plants gone without water is a sign of depression and lack of life force.

If our immediate environment is a literal mess, dirty or disorganized then, strictly speaking, how do we expect to win?

Now I am not talking about a space that is well lived in and functional. I am talking about a space that is full of stuff we can’t let go of or in dire need of a good cleaning.

Over the Labor Day weekend, I took some time to get rid of clothes I haven’t worn in ages. Unable to sell a table that no longer suited my needs I gave it to the thrift store and created some open space.

The point being, as we enter the final phase of the year how can we set up ourselves to cross the finish line in total victory?

Often it seems like we are at the mercy of external forces, but it starts in our immediate environment.

Is letting go of stuff a challenge? Maybe some coaching around this can help get you over the block.

Are we afraid to open the mail (I was for years)? Facing our situations head-on is the beginning of transforming the obstacles.

Do we tend to overcommit to everyone else out of fear of saying no or setting boundaries?

Practice role-playing with a friend to get used to the conversation and then try it out in real life. Those people in our environment who truly want what’s best for us will be respectful. It’s good information on who’s really on our side.

What 1–3 tasks can we commit to fulfilling right now? Things were as simple as clearing off our desks, folding the laundry, and doing the dishes.

I am always amazed at how much better I feel once my space is in order. It also helps productivity.

If we are holding onto the past and can’t transform our physical environment it’s gonna be tough to make space for anything new.

This is not a new fact but something I remind myself regularly. We can feel the feelings and keep it moving to trust that what’s around the corner maybe BETTER than anything we could have imagined for ourselves.

It starts with us. It starts with our immediate environment. Like a tree. A beautiful oak doesn’t become 100 feet tall without a solid base.

As we roll into the ‘second new year’ moment let’s start right where we are.

Chronicle your journey from start to finish. The results and relief will be astonishing.

Oh yes, one more very important thing, enjoy the process. Self-care is self-respect. You deserve it!

Watching the news one-night last week was a HUGE mistake . . .what actions are you taking to stay in your own lane?

At the same time, flipping through different channel sources, I realized they all had something in common, fear, angst, and the same guests repeating the same stories over and over. Fortunately, I had the wisdom to turn it OFF and pick up a book.

Why is this important or do we even care? It was a reminder of guidance I got from Broadway legend, three-time Tony winner, and Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient Chita Rivera. Simply put she said, “stay in your own lane.”

Spending the summer back in NYC was amazing for a lot of reasons. My heart was able to heal a huge loss, there was freedom to run errands and be mobile without a car, and most importantly the needed reminder that we choose what we let impact our environment.

During these crazy times, it’s so easy to get swept up in crisis, panic, fear, and self-righteousness. Suddenly opinion is a fact. I found myself having many conversations that simply left me drained. No value was created. The situations of the world were not changed in any way and my precious energy was zapped.

Who can relate? Have you found yourself deep in conversation getting agitated, fearful, or depressed about the state of the world? Was it then challenging to bring yourself back and focus on what you can manage?

The answer for me was yes.

As a long-time recovering people pleaser and addict it’s no secret that the first step to any behavior change is admitting there is an issue in the first place. Accepting we are powerless, and our life is unmanageable as the first of the 12 steps so clearly states.

To this notion, I made a deep determination to simply not discuss things that got me all wound up. Now don’t be mistaken. This is NOT avoiding hard or direct conversations that create value. This is about not getting caught up in gossip, drama, or battling opinions. In this climate, I don’t need to be right, I just need to be happy and productive. Many friends and colleagues may have different political views, ideas on the pandemic and its handling, or any other source of potential dissension. It was time to put my ego aside and just let people stay on their path. I am certainly not going to change any minds and it’s not worth feeling so low and anxious after a disputed conversation.

Like any new behavior, this is taking some awareness and work. I catch myself starting to talk about things that are not productive or constructive and simply acknowledge the rabbit hole I’m jumping into and choose to jump out, in some instances, I literally say out loud, I’m stopping now because this will only produce anxiety.

Even for personal challenges, more and more it’s time to keep my opinions, pain and process to myself. If I ask five different friends what they think I will get five different opinions. Maybe they are valid for me and maybe they are not but the person I need to trust is myself. Repeating the same story or set of circumstances over and over just adds fuel to the situational fire. As I stop talking about things that bring me down, make me sad or anxious more room is allowed for creativity and value creation.

It is important to stay informed but that’s it. At the end of the day, all we can control is our own environment. How are we impacting the world? What are we posting (yes this too is a cause good or bad) and how can we be the best example of doing human revolution and transforming our own life?

Simply put, as Chita so eloquently stated, “staying in our own lane.”

I was crushed by a New York City bus and had to completely rebuild my life. Here are 5 lessons I carry with me from that experience.

It was a rainy day, and the ground was damp and dirty. I felt fuzzy, like I was in a dream. A few moments later I heard, “Ms. Jordan, do you know where you are?” “Who is the President of the United States?” “Do you know what day it is?”

Why all the questions? I thought, still unable to move. I had lost all feeling on my right side. A moment later, the same voice said, “Just relax. I am a paramedic. We are going to get you out from under the tire of this bus.”The cliché line had become a terrifying reality. I had literally not only been hit but run over by an NYC express bus.

The gory details that came to follow are their own story. In a nutshell, my right leg was completely crushed, nearly amputated, and rebuilt. I had a total of 20 surgeries. I spent two months in a burn-intensive care unit, fighting daily for my survival.

Trust your instincts
The first hospital wanted to amputate my crushed right leg. I said no and demanded a second opinion. I have the utmost respect for doctors and medical professionals, but I knew at that moment that amputation was premature. I also knew I wasn’t in a hospital equipped to treat that level of trauma. I got on the phone and found a team of medical professionals who could handle the severity of the situation. I was transferred to one of the world’s best burn ICU units. They took on the task of rebuilding my battered body. I wasn’t afraid to not only question the first hospital but find the best place for me at that moment.

Keep seeking answers
There was no playbook for rebuilding my body and my life. So I kept trying things out to learn what my new body was capable of doing. Being a dancer and fitness instructor, I found a gym that felt emotionally safe and worked out and took classes. Sometimes, I had to leave or modify what I was doing because it was too physically taxing. I sought out new rehab trainers who understood my physical and emotional goals. I let go of any shame or guilt if something I tried didn’t work. Ultimately, I continued to seek new ways of literally moving around in the world. I knew if one thing didn’t work, I could find something that would.

Change happens, and that’s okay
The day I was discharged from outpatient rehab was rough. I asked my physical therapist, “This is it?” She reminded me that I had come back from near death. After a good cry and a brief wallow, it was time to look ahead. I had to get comfortable with the fact that I was starting completely over and everything would be new and different. My body had new needs. I was working through major trauma and severe PTSD. I learned to give myself space and grace to adapt and accept my new reality.

Something magical can come from tragedy
Before being pinned under the tire of a bus, spending months in a burn ICU, enduring 20 surgeries, and doing thousands of hours of rehabilitation, I never would’ve imagined how much value this journey could create. People began to ask me how I had such a miraculous rehabilitation and positive outlook. My business coach encouraged me to write a book. I started writing my experience by committing one hour a day to the writing process. I was led to a publisher. The book was released in 2018 and was awarded the 2019 EVVY award for a best nonfiction book. The day of the accident I vowed that if I survived the night there would be a victory dance. In 2015, I founded The Victory Dance Project, a professional dance company. The mission is to make the impossible possible with the power of movement.

Amy Jordan’s movie
I also became the subject of a documentary feature film. Working with my dance company, I met photographer and director Brian Thomas, a two-time Emmy nominee who choreographed and danced for Michael Jackson, Beyoncé, Paula Abdul, and Liza Minnelli, among others entertainment icons. He thought my story could be a source of inspiration and expressed an interest in creating a documentary. The movie, “Amy’s Victory Dance,” chronicles my journey dancing with my professional company for the first time since the accident. The film has won over 40 international awards and official film festival selections. If you told me this in the beginning, I would’ve responded with a few choice expletives. But hindsight is 20/20. I now make a daily vow to create value and use my experience for good.

Do the work
Emotional and physical rehabilitation takes time and effort. I don’t miss workouts because it’s how I manage my pain without pills. I rest when I’m tired. I say no to gatherings or events that are too physically demanding for me. I put a significant amount of time and energy into my physical health. It’s a commitment. I’ve learned that diligence and self-care manifest real results. I also make no apology about what I need to do for my body and my mind. My question is always: How much do you want to improve and what are you willing to do to make it happen? It’s not magic. The rewards for the effort are amazing.

With all its physical challenges, I’m grateful for my life today. I feel a deep sense of responsibility to be the change I want to see. Whether I’m speaking to large audiences or coaching one-on-one, I tell anyone that if I did it, so can you. It might not be quick or easy, but the lessons are profound and long-lasting.

If you’re in the muck of the struggle, just know that it does get better. The most beautiful lotus flower blooms in the muddiest water.

It’s important to have dreams. Every theory of success and positive living shares this sentiment. Having a big, long-range goal keeps us focused and energized about life.

As our lives evolve and our needs grow and transform it may start to become clear that maybe the dreams, we once had are now old dreams and don’t suit or fulfill our lives.

Guess what, it’s not only O.K., but also often an amazing moment to let go of what was and redirect our focus and energy to what is ahead.

Recently, this became insanely clear.

My entire young life was focused on being a dancer. Going to class and training was my priority. I moved across the country to Los Angeles to train with the best commercial dancers in the world. While my dream also served as an escape from my reality, I did build a series of life skills I still use today.

I was a strong technical dancer and loved moving my body and still love moving my body.

What has changed over the years is my desire to be in class. This is due in part to a new set of physical limitations that do indeed prevent me from moving in the same capacity I had done before. My energy is now somewhat limited, and I protect my time and attention with great care.

Paramount to my overall health and well-being is consistent exercise. Since I am no longer able to dance as hard as I used to, taking a class does not generate the level of physical exertion I need to maintain my optimal physical and emotional health.

I have accepted my structural changes, limitations and what they bring When I have gone to dancing class, I work around the barriers in part to protect my joints and prevent any extra pain.

What has become more apparent, is I no longer need to dance. I simply don’t get the charge I once did when I took a dance class.

I had a similar experience around performing in my mid 30’s. I was dancing with a friend’s contemporary company. This was before I had been crushed by a bus. I remember on show day thinking: ‘I could just as well be in the park or at home reading a book.’ My dream of performing had sizzled out.

Let me be clear, my love and essence as a dancer are stronger than ever. The forms have now changed. The dream to be a high-level performer on Broadway or tour dancer with a major pop star is simply gone.

Frankly, I don’t have that much energy.

Creating work as a choreographer is still high on my list of life goals. I found my creative space behind the scenes as a choreographer, producer, and director. I was able to infuse my lifelong classical and versatile dance training into my choreography and the lifetime of study has been necessary.

With this clarity, I no longer need to chase something I don’t even want. How often do we find ourselves in a hamster wheel because we are ‘supposed’ to do or be something we decided in the past? This can apply to anything, a big creative dream, a relationship, or really any life goal.

Are we working and chasing because we have a burning desire to make it happen or because we think we ‘have to keep going?’

Letting go of an old ideal or goal can do one thing: make room for something new. In my case more space for new creative outlets to emerge. Honoring the space we find ourselves in RIGHT NOW will keep us free of resentment.

My question then is this: Are you hanging onto something that doesn’t serve you? Are you expending energy in places where you can be creating something new? Are you hiding in the past out of fear of doing human revolution and walking away from what simply doesn’t work anymore?

Take a little time and ask yourself what do you want? With clarity of purpose will come clarity of action steps.

Live your biggest, newest dream!

It’s no secret. I am a seriously recovering people pleaser. Growing up in the midst of severe codependency and no boundaries, I learned early on I was not supposed to ‘rock the boat.’ I feared any healthy conflict or heaven forbid standing up for myself. I had learned I was ‘sick’ and therefore somehow unable to fend for myself.

The habits we see in our parents growing up, unfortunately, can take hostage of our adult lives. It wasn’t until a serious ascendency recovery that I started to break the cycle of oversharing, needing constant outside validation, having difficult conversations, and yes, asking for help.

As travel and events begin to resume, like so many others, I find myself in more social situations for both work and fun. Being home alone for over a year, I did not have to outwardly manage my physical issues or ask for help or manage other people’s reactions to my situation.

That’s changing. On a recent work-related trip, I was faced with the reality that I have needs that require me to ask for help. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s a simple truth.

Being single, I am used to taking care of everything by myself. You could reframe this as a benefit of independence. While recently traveling with a group, I had to be more vocal about my needs. The familiar discomfort started with booking a trip. I asked the event coordinators to fly me a day early as to not overly exhaust myself and have my blood sugar rage out of control. The entire experience was a refresher course in having to put my needs first. It was immensely uncomfortable.

As a person with both seen and unseen impairments, I also just wanted to be normal and able to be like ‘everyone else.’ I know intellectually this is silly. My diabetes, visual impairment, and mobility issues are not a reflection of who I am. Now though it feels debilitating.

I enjoyed these events and I met amazing people. I was both humbled and honored to be invited and able to participate. I saw that many other people were managing physical conditions, so I was in good company all around.

And yet, I found myself wanting to disappear into the rafters. I felt that twinge of guilt when I could no longer stand anymore and had to ask for a chair. I hated that I had to ask to leave for the airport before the crack of dawn and wait for a wheelchair to escort me to the gate because it was too far for me to walk.

In observation of what was happening in my mind, it was a great moment to breathe, step back, and just appreciate my body standing strong in taking care of myself. Surprised, after all these years, asking for help for my health and physical safety was so uncomfortable.

Can you relate? Is asking for help hard for you too?

The experience became a crash course in learning to enjoy the moment and all the excitement of a gathering. I realized that my angst was, in part, holding me back from just being myself. It was one of those beautiful moments where I had the opportunity on how I would respond to my discomfort.

I am sure we all face uncomfortable situations at times. It’s just part of life. The question becomes will that discomfort inhibit our growth and joy or will we just acknowledge it and say ‘no thanks, I’m not giving in to that negativity today.’

Trying to appease the needs of others or please everyone does not benefit anyone. Asking for help and having my health and safety needs met is another learned trait of living with diabetes, a visual impairment, and chronic pain and mobility issues. For us trauma survivors it’s important to let go of the guilt and shame and stand tall in self-care and integrity. We are never a victim of our circumstances.

People-pleasing is learned and can be unlearned if we have the confidence and self-respect to put ourselves first. As with anything in life, it’s a choice. You are winning!

Well, it did me . . . and here’s why!

So many women, and men for that matter, finding shoes is a fun and cool thing. Take Carrie Bradshaw for instance, the iconic Sex in the City fashionista. She had a closet full of high fashion shoes only a woman with very strong ankles could wear every day in New York City.

Do you ever wonder how you would feel if you could no longer wear regular shoes? It’s one of those mundane things we never think about until your choice is gone forever.

I never thought about it either. I am not particularly vain, and I don’t wear makeup. I consider my fashion sense bohemian chic; I must be comfortable. When living in New York City and walking all day long, I mostly tend towards wearing sneakers. That being said, I did have some kick-ass shoes and boots for those certain occasions. I loved wearing my cute wedges and black leather high boots.

When I wanted to wear cute shoes, I simply did. Until my accident.

After I was crushed by a bus, my daily reality certainly changed, which caused me to have to rebuild many things in life. I am now visibly deformed. I’m finally at peace with what happened and love and appreciate my new leg. However, I did not realize it would be so hard to give away all my shoes.

It became quite apparent in the months and years after the accident that due to my structural damage I could not wear any of my fun, cool and cute shoes. Silly I know, but this was one of the biggest losses of my accident.

It wasn’t so much the loss of the shoes themselves but the choice. I no longer had a choice of what I could wear on my feet.

I found myself obsessed and even envious of women in cute shoes, heels, or boots. I felt incomplete.

Since my 2009 accident, I have searched New York City and the internet for cute shoes for women that have mobility or joint issues. This came up again recently. I have an upcoming red-carpet event in Ohio and found a great new dress. I went to a local shoe shop here in NYC that specializes in comfort shoes. “I must be able to find something here,”

I thought. No luck! I did try on 5 pairs of shoes, they all hurt and made me feel unstable to walk safely. I was literally in tears when I walked out of the store. Let the crying begin.

That moment got me thinking about the power of choice.

I had never thought I would miss wearing regular shoes. The issue is less about the shoes and more about the new obstacles and how to transform the situation.

I was admittedly mad and sad and frustrated when I left the store. It was a rare moment when I was angry about my circumstance and missed my old life. I gave myself space and grace to feel the feelings and let them pass. For the most part, I have adapted to rocking my sneakers with everything, mostly because I must.

Then I went into solution mode. I do have a pair of shoes I can wear for a short span of time. The Ohio event is indeed covered.

The ongoing challenge is to completely accept and love me as I am, deformed and all. While I no longer have the choice to buy any pair of shoes that are cool, fun, and cute. I do have permission to remind myself that I have the choice to make the absolute most of what I am able to do RIGHT NOW.

Just because I have a severe deformity does not mean I am not attractive or can’t be my own brand of fashionista. I am not ‘disabled.’ I am perfectly able, however have a few physical challenges in which I need to modify certain parts of my life now and then.

My shoe shopping experience, while initially painful, reminded me to stay forward focused. Truth be told this is my reality. I can’t go back to how it was before my accident.

Moving ahead is how I can choose to rock it with pure confidence and ease.

For my lady friends facing physical obstacles I want you to know I completely understand. It can be a total bummer and that’s totally O.K. You are perfect as you are, scars and all. Let’s make our limitations the springboard for our total happiness and success and yes even love.

Let’s affirm that we are perfect with the ability to make the most of the choices we have ahead. You are Winning!!!

Who else besides me is a:

1. recovering people pleaser?
2. uncomfortable standing up and using our voices to take charge?
3. continues to polish this skill?

Maybe it’s being well into my 50’s, or just because I have had enough or it’s just deciding to handle everything head-on. The list can go on, but I simply no longer leave things in the hands of other people.

It feels more and more like we are encouraged to blame others or just leave big life situations to fate. This completely removes us from any personal responsibility, and we then can just blame our environment or someone else when things don’t work out.

The strict truth is everything in our environment is a reflection of us. I know this has come up before, but it is a constant state. I was recently reminded it was time to take matters into my own hands.

I submitted my application for a new apartment. I collected all required documents and charges well within the requested period. And then I waited. I got no news, so I began to wonder if there was a problem.

When you find yourself at the mercy of other people’s decisions how do you react? Does it cause doubt and fear? This used to be my response. I left the decisions up to the powers that be in fear of ruffling people’s feathers. This always caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

This scenario was different.

I was very confident in what I had submitted but was frustrated and angry that I had not gotten a timely response. It did take some work to not let the anger get to my head. I took matters into my own hands and acted with assertiveness. I went right to the source of who needed to sign off final approval.

Impulse control is also a learned habit. When no final answer had come back a handful of days before the move date I went into high gear. When one of the people handling the paperwork came at me full of excuse and guilt-ridden reasons about what had happened to other tenants, I stopped her in her tracks.

More and more I feel myself kindly but firmly standing up. I simply said other people’s situations had nothing to do with me. I will not be shamed. Eventually, I had to threaten to pull the deal completely to get people’s attention. At that moment I found myself no longer afraid of the outcome no matter what happened. I knew standing up was the right thing.

I finally got some feedback and continued to shut down all excuses. When the final day for approval arrived with one missing signature I said enough. I made direct phone calls to management to be put in touch with the right person to get it done. I was still nice but extremely direct. Time was running out and I could not afford to leave the results to anyone else.

After a series of fearless calls and emails to the right people in charge, I did finally get the issue resolved. Do you have a life situation that seems up to someone else? What actions can you take to get it resolved? How does this feel?

Taking charge and demanding results is not inherent for most of us. We are often taught to let the cards fall as they may. My response: heck no.

If we want something done and done right, then stand up and make it happen. This probably means doing our internal work to have the confidence and ability to set the boundaries and have the hard conversations. It’s yet another opportunity to let go of pleasing others or worrying about what people think.

I have learned to be extremely protective of my good nature. If people take advantage of me or don’t take me seriously then it’s up to me to transform the situation. Do I need to just say no? Do I need to ask for my worth? Do I need to shut down others’ excuses for not getting things done and take matters into my own hands?

You have my permission my friends to take charge. It’s your life. The people who love and respect you will support you in full force. The others, well you decide.

If we want results, then there must be subsequent actions. Nothing just ‘happens.’ We are NEVER a victim of circumstance. Focus on getting the goal done. Take action and stay out of the results. This is where the victory happens.