We all have a story that has led us to where we are today.

Here’s one of mine. I’m going to take you back to 5th Grade.

My family had just moved from Wisconsin to Michigan the year before. We moved because my dad had been offered an executive position with a private company with the promise to be its CEO, when the Founder and CEO retired. 1 year in the position, the company was sold to a corporation who decided to bring in their own top executives. Which meant my dad was out of a job.

One day walking home from school, I declared to myself, “You can’t do that to my dad!” “I’m going to show you guys!”

I was 10 years old.

Fast forward, I was a senior in college at the University of Colorado. I was taking a women’s studies class and during the 1st semester, we watched gender biased films. I learned for the first time how the media portrayed women! This new perspective fueled me and I got angry. One day in the 2nd semester, of the class I had a startling realization. I had no reason to be mad. At that very moment, I decided “I was going to join them!” Of course, that meant men.

After graduation, I was inspired to work for a company that was taking on an industry Goliath, AT&T. I was hired by a senior woman manager, who was both a teacher and mentor to me. She showed me step by step, how to be a solution sales person. I took off.

In my first year of sales, I was ranked #1. A few years later, I moved to a technology company that had just gone public. I eventually rose to VP Sales level, where I led both US and International teams. Throughout my time at the company, most of my colleagues were male. They were amazing and so were the women I worked with. I’m grateful for the relationships we built and all the fun we had.

As I said earlier, I decided to join them!

Though I built a new vertical for the company and led teams to overachieve objectives 12 years in a row, looking back, I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I wasn’t comfortable with all the accolades I received. Or the visibility I had within the company. So what did I do? I pushed the attention down to my team. At some level, I felt inadequate and still doubted myself.

Instead of owning my power, I gave it away.

After my corporate gigs, I decided to go into executive search as I’m highly passionate about leadership and empowering people. I recruited senior leadership talent for technology companies.

I’ve interviewed hundreds of candidates through the years — both men and women. So many of the women I met didn’t completely embrace their power — much like I didn’t. CEOs and executives have told me many of their top performers are women. They only wish they could own their power and confidence like men do.

This is why I founded Woman UnRuled.

I work with progressive business women who want to more powerfully navigate their world and career. I help women break free from what’s holding them back so they can step fully into their authentic power with grace, ease and joy.

We All Have a Story.

What Has Led You to Where You Are Today?

I Want to Hear. Make Yours a Powerful One.

As a high performance business coach, I often have people ask me for help when they are negotiating job offers. No matter what age and how much experience, I have found a common theme. Woman, no matter how confident and accomplished they are, have a tough time asking for what they want in a salary negotiation.

Here are recent examples of women I have worked with:

• A 29 year old woman negotiating with a very cool, hip, fashion and lifestyle start-up
• A woman in her 40’s negotiating for her dream job with an up and coming consumer products company
• A highly experienced 50+ year old woman negotiating with a management consultant firm

Each of these three women is well educated, extremely smart, articulate, professional and accomplished in their own right. Before they got a formal offer, they did their homework on salary ranges and relative comps for the position they were seeking in their respective industries. Once they had a formal offer in hand, the salary offered was lower than what their research had shown.

I had a similar conversation with each woman even though their specific situation was unique to them. “Once you have an offer in hand, undoubtedly, this is your most powerful position during the interview process. Remember, They Want You — You are the Prize. Ask for What You Want. Ask for What You Are Worth. Ask for What You Deserve. If You Don’t Ask, You Won’t Know. Now, a caveat. I’m not suggesting you take out your Wonder Woman sword and go into battle. Think of your negotiation as a conversation. Be clear in your communication, connected and cordial.”

I’ve worked in executive search with hundreds of candidates. It’s been my experience, once a man enters into salary negotiations, he has no hesitation asking for the compensation he wants and thinks he deserves. So why is it difficult for a woman to ask for what she wants? I think most women, while growing up, aren’t taught to embrace their self worth, especially in a professional, career sense, like men are taught. Women feel apprehensive about negotiating because they don’t want to be seen as aggressive. As we all know, society and the media don’t know how to handle forceful women. Even with all the powerful, accomplished women in the world today, there’s still a long way to go.

Learning to negotiate and asking for what you want is a skill that any person, man, woman or child, can learn and perfect. You just need to try. It may be uncomfortable or even scary the first time you negotiate and ask for your value. If you get an answer that is less than optimal, pause. Perhaps, propose a creative solution that can work for you AND your soon to be employer. Once you understand the art of it and start getting the results you want, it will be smooth sailing ahead.

When I was 5 years old, I shared a bedroom with my older sister. One day after a bath, I came into the bedroom dancing, wet body and all. I was using my towel as a prop. I was giggling and squealing with delight because I was having so much fun.

My sister said to me “you’re going to be a stripper when you grow up”. Whoa. Talk about raining on my parade. I was too young to know what a stripper was, but old enough to know from her sharp tone that it wasn’t a good thing. The message I got in that moment, loud and clear, was that being joyful and moving my body freely wasn’t what “good girls” do.

My sister and I are very close and though I have never asked her, I bet she wouldn’t remember what she said to me that day. But I do. Her comment shut me down. For a long time and even into adulthood, I shied away from expressing myself through my body. I felt shame about my body.

The good news is, I now love to move my body everyday. Daily exercise is my go-to: hiking, yoga, bootcamp, walking, a sweaty spin class — you name it. And I love, love, love to dance.

Has anyone ever said something to you that made you feel shameful that stuck with you?

I’ve moved through the feeling of shame many times. If I can do it, I know you can too.

I say:

Don’t let anyone throw water on your fire.

Don’t let what others say or think stop you from expressing who you really are.

Never minimize yourself, it’s okay to be shiny!

Ready to free yourself from what’s holding you back?

Many women in business feel the pressure to act like men, communicate like men and even dress like men. Though more prevalent in traditionally male dominated industries — like finance and venture capital — there are women in every industry that feel this pressure. At some level, whether conscious of it or not, women believe if they want to get ahead, they need to look and act a certain way.

I am not saying the pressure isn’t real — don’t get me wrong. The problem is, by buying into it, we accommodate and wear masks. We can lose touch with who we really are because we believe our authentic self isn’t ok or enough.

Here’s something that happened last week.

I was meeting with a male friend of mine in San Francisco at the Four Seasons. There was an institutional investor conference going on at the hotel so the lobby was crowded. An attractive woman, in her early 30’s, walked past us. My very observant and astute friend said, “she looks a lot older than she is wearing that”. She was in a tweed suit — imagine Chanel like. I noticed that the suit was wearing her rather than the other way around. She looked like a mannequin — awkward and lifeless. Instantly, I said:

She’s wearing what she thinks she’s supposed to wear. Not what she wants to wear.

Why?

To Not Stand Out.

To Not Rock the Boat.

For Fear She Won’t be Taken Seriously.

To Fit In with the Ol’ Boys Club.

I don’t know if you can relate but I can. I remember the navy blue, double breasted, wool suit I wore in my 20’s! At the time, with my short bob, I thought I had it going on. Through experience and time, I’ve learned — in business and in life:

Show Up Authentically.

Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin.

Communicate Confidently and Clearly.

Wear What Makes You Feel Good and Right for the Situation.

Unless we start changing our behavior, nothing will change. We can’t expect men to change, old structures to change or the old boy network to change. Women need to courageously lead the change. If we want things to be different, whether at work or at home, we’ve gotta show up authentically, in our power, in our brilliance and grace. And ask for what we want and need. Once we fully step up and show up to ourselves, men will take our lead.

There’s no better version of yourself than the real YOU. Be Yourself — ALWAYS. Realize the power you have — in all aspects of your life.

The word Courage comes from the French word Coeur..which means Heart.

It’s important to most of us to get ahead in our career so it’s common to succumb to cultural and peer pressure at work. Plus there’s the added pressure we put on ourselves. If you want to feel less stressed, more confident and have greater clarity, read my 11 Tips for More Work/Life Balance.

#1 Start Your Day with a Positive Attitude.
Get out of your head and into your body: whatever that means for you. It might be going for a run or walk, taking a spin or yoga class or simply being quiet and meditating. Your intention is to be grounded, present, confident and ready to face the day.

#2 Be Authentic and Stay True to Who You Are.
When I was 28, I had an interview with an executive who would eventually hire me for my first sales manager job. He asked me, how will I change if I make a lot of money? It was an interesting question. Was he asking me, would the money go to my head? The truth is, my values have never changed, despite periods of my career where I’ve earned a lot of money. Perhaps your lifestyle changes when you have more money, but your values don’t have to. You are the same person at work as you are at home so show up in business as your authentic self.

#3 It’s Not About the Hours. It’s About Results.
Don’t stay in the office late because “everyone else is doing it”. I learned early in my sales and sales leadership career to never confuse activity with results. It wasn’t about how many sales calls I went on. It was about making sure each one had a successful outcome. Don’t get me wrong, I spent my fair share of late nights at the office early in my career. But ultimately, it’s all about performance — how much you can make happen in a given timeframe, not the actual time you put into it.

#4 Don’t Concerned About Being Liked.
Listen. We all want people to like us. But don’t make it a priority at the expense of realizing what you want to accomplish. If others are uneasy with your success or feel insecure around you, it’s not your job to make them feel comfortable. Of course, self awareness and grace go a long way. But in general, I suggest: own your confidence, leadership and charisma and be a role model for others around you.

#5 Know What You Want.
I’m one of those people that gets passionately attached to an idea. Once I do, I’ve been known to have an unrelenting focus to make it happen. Picture a dog with a bone — assertive! You don’t need the same fervor, but you do need a clear vision of what you want to create and a strategy and plan to get you there. You can always change a plan, but if you don’t have a plan to begin with, it’s hard to change, right?

#6 Ask for It.
Once you’re clear on what it is that you want, ask your potential client, boss or employee, for whatever it is. “I’d like to build a strategic partnership with you and your company”, “I’d like to manage a sales team focused on this vertical”, “I’d like to work with you”, “I’d like to be promoted to VP, here’s why I’ve earned it”. You can’t expect things you want to happen magically. You have to Ask. Also, if you don’t ask, you’ll never know what you could have gained.

#7 Compete with Yourself.
It’s easy to put energy into what your colleagues or friends are doing or achieving. Many company cultures thrive on promoting competition among their workforce. I say, stay focused on the activities that will bring YOU the results you want. Giving your attention to others takes your eye off the prize of being the best you can be. And here’s the thing: your experience, values, strengths, skills, passions and your DNA are totally unique. Embrace your individuality, and it will lead to your ultimate success. Don’t compete with others: compete with yourself.

#8 Don’t Expect a Certain Outcome.
This is a controversial statement. I’m a huge believer in having high standards, a clear vision, and specific goals to get you where you want to go. Simultaneously, I’ve learned to not expect a certain outcome. Business expectations are a breeding ground for disappointment. Shit happens within your own company and often with your clients. Expectations of a product launch happening on time or revenues coming in at a specific time — you get the drill. Be open to how situations unfold and always have a plan B. If you remain flexible, the outcome may be better than you anticipated.

#9 Ask for Forgiveness. Not Permission..
The maverick in me likes this one. Truth be told, you’ve got to learn to use your instincts to be successful in business, and that requires making gut level decisions. If you’re waiting for someone to tell you what to do, you’re probably in the wrong role or place. The more you rely on your instincts and intuition, along with your real life experience, the better you’ll be at making sound business decisions.

#10 Speak Up.
If you have ideas that can improve your company’s performance, announce them! I don’t mean endlessly offering information that hasn’t been requested. But if you have feedback on ways to do things better, propose a thoughtful solution. The only way companies can get better is if employees and customers provide their honest, constructive feedback.

#11 Go for It.
Taking risks isn’t for everyone. Fear is what usually prevents us from doing something that is uncomfortable. Common thoughts can be “what if I fail”, “what if it’s the wrong decision”, “what will people think of me.” Be aware of your fears, acknowledge them, just don’t let them stop you from going after what you really want! Change the conversation in your head to: “I might be intimidated, but this will work! I so got this!”

This blog is about heartbreak. Everyone has had at least one broken heart in their life if they’ve been lucky enough to love deeply. I’ve certainly had mine.

Here’s a story I’d like to share with you:

A few years ago, I went through a painful breakup. We really loved each other, were attracted to each other in many ways, had a ton of fun, traveled together, and developed a good friendship to boot. After having dated for over two years, I initiated the “relationship” conversation. Uh oh — you probably guessed it. He said he wanted to keep things as they were and didn’t want more commitment, and I thought I did.

Three months after that initial talk, we had what I have termed “The One Minute Break Up”. It literally took only 60 seconds to end the relationship. I was surprised and hurt. It happened so quickly, it took me awhile to realize we broke up! If I’m truly honest, I had expectations for something more and my emotions got in the way. I felt rejected and not wanted. The truth is, at the time, I couldn’t accept that we wanted different things.

Looking back, even though the way it ended wasn’t ideal, it was a blessing in disguise. I realized I wasn’t getting what I needed from the relationship. For the first time in my life, I put myself first and asked “What do I really want?” I started to reclaim myself and began making choices based on what brings me greater joy and freedom. Through the process, Woman UnRuled came to life. I am forever grateful. The phoenix always rises!

What I know for sure is that the next man I attract will be very different from the last — because I’ve changed and am a different woman. If you are suffering from heartbreak, don’t forget that things in life do happen for a reason, and always work out for the best.

A couple months ago, I went on a 24 hour trip to Boulder, Colorado. I had been invited to an impromptu party with sorority sisters whom I hadn’t seen in more than 20 years. At first, I said I couldn’t make it as I had plans in San Francisco that night. Then I realized I HAD TO GO! I needed to connect with old friends and reclaim that time in my life. Seeing and connecting with women I had once lived with, and hadn’t seen since I was 21. CRAZY…but a good crazy! A total blast from the past.

One of my favorite conversations was with a sorority sister who is very real and honest. We immediately reconnected; it was as if we were transported back to our college days. The first thing she told me was she had been married three times. With her dry sense of humor, she said: “First one — mistake. Second one — sociopath. Third one — eh, he’s a good guy.” She is now happily married to #3. We talked about her marriage to the sociopath and the difficulty she endured. She shared with me what she learned from being with him and how she had grown from the experience. The best part of the story was when she told me how she gained the courage to finally leave him. I said to her: “sometimes it takes several tries to get it right”.

Here’s what I have to say. Don’t ever be scared to make mistakes because we all make them. Sometime they are really big and other times they are relatively minor. Making mistakes helps you grow up and learn what you really want vs. what you thought you wanted. Some of my most profound learnings have come from failed attempts to get what I wanted. If you make a mistake in your career or in a relationship, don’t let it stop you from moving forward towards what you want. Just try again. Own what you want and go after it. Never give up, keep going until you get it right.

I will also add: at some point, you will feel better if you stop making the same mistakes over and over. Better to make new mistakes! Learn from the experience and don’t let go of your dream if you don’t get the result you wanted the first time. Life is one big learning process and it gets messy! Live your life full force and out loud, even when you encounter speed bumps along the way.

Here’s a story about my sister, Susan. Susan is four years older than me and we’ve always had a special relationship. I was her greatest fan growing up, as little sisters often are. I was forever complementing and supporting her because I thought, and still do, that’s she is a beautiful human being inside and out. As an older sister, she has looked out for me. To this day we are very close. I am grateful for our friendship and sisterhood.

Susan has a Type A personality and is 110% an extrovert. She’s a dedicated mother, wife, sister, aunt and friend. She cares deeply for everyone in her life, including people she has just met. She is smart, capable and accomplished. She’s a committed advocate for causes she firmly believes in. She has more energy than she knows what to do with. And like many of us, she can get a bit crazy at times. In her case, it’s because she cares so intensely about the things to which she gives herself that she can get too emotionally involved. Picture a dog with a bone who just won’t let go. This also means that the girl makes things happen and gets shit done. She still somehow finds the time to fill her life to the brim with fun, fun, fun. Everyone loves Susan because she puts so much love and positive energy out into the world. If there ever was a “You Get What You Give” campaign, she would be the poster child.

Growing up, ever since I can remember, when Susan tried to convince our dad to say “yes” to something she desperately wanted to do, she’d say, “Dad, I have to do this now, it may be my only chance!” Susan has continued to live this way since childhood and has never looked back.

I call this “Eating the Brownie”. Living fully, out loud, with #noregrets. My sister Susan is a perfect example of someone who eats the proverbial brownie every day. As a Business and Life-Freedom Coach for Women, I believe in taking action towards what you really want, whatever it is: the things which bring you more joy, inspiration and meaning.

That’s the backdrop of the story. Here’s the second part.

Susan and her husband recently went out of town for a few days. After being abnormally tired one night, she woke up the next morning with tingling in her feet and found she couldn’t walk straight. Something was wrong. They had a jolt of coffee and rushed to the emergency room. After a series of tests to rule out the worst illnesses, she was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune syndrome. She needed immediate treatment and was quickly taken to a nearby hospital where she would spend 5 days. Once treated, the illness left her unable to move her extremities and complete everyday functions. She went from working out on a stair climber one day to not being able to brush her teeth the next. CRAZY…right? And terrifying! She spent the next 10 days in a rehabilitation facility to get back on her feet. Susan has always been a Chatty Cathy so we were all very grateful that she could think and express herself clearly. But she did have to learn how to do things all over again, like walk, dress and write. Things she — and we — take for granted on a daily basis.

Susan felt more vulnerable than ever before in her life. She was thinking “What happens if my whole life is different now?” Her family and loved ones — were all wondering too. Truly frightened, she vehemently declared to her doctors, “I don’t want to die, I have too much to live for! Please don’t let me fall through the cracks!!” Her medical team was top notch and of course, they didn’t.

Susan, miraculously and admirably, has had a positive attitude and outlook through her whole ordeal. Despite intense waves of fear, she went out of the way to be friendly to everyone she met in the hospital, including all the other patients. She was a bright light in other people’s lives during her most difficult moments.

Susan loves her life and everyone in it. She is determined to get 100% back to normal. She believes she will, and so she will. No ifs, ands or buts. Her doctors agree there’s no question that she will. Susan has always found a way to go after what she wants, because she believes wholeheartedly in it and then works hard to get it. I say, it’s a testament to her unwavering positive attitude and determination. I also say, boy do I still look up to my big sister.

Life is amazing and full of surprises. Some good and some not so good. When times get tough, are you able to rise above it with an unflinching can-do attitude, bringing positivity and kindness to those around you? The choice is for each of us to make. I think it can be simple: if you will, you will.

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This article was published in Susan Hyatt’s Dig Deep on-line magazine.

I often walk a very steep set of stairs during my morning workout. It’s like a Zen practice for me. I go up and down about 10 times and the repetition gets my creative juices flowing.

I recently met a new friend on the steps. Her name is Lorna and she’s 84 years old. Yep, no kidding. Every day, Lorna walks up these stairs, as she finishes her morning walk. She has a perky, sparkly personality, a beautiful smile and luminous skin. She even takes the time to put on lipstick before she leaves the house! (I for sure, don’t). The first time we met, I told her she was amazing and she said that I was. Now each time we see each other, we say to each other: YOU’RE AMAZING! See Lorna’s above.

Lorna has osteoporosis and aches but she’s committed to walking everyday because she’s promised her children that she’ll live to be 100. I say, that’s AMAZING. It’s also inspiring, awesome, determined, and disciplined. She is so committed to both herself and her loved ones. Rock On.

When I saw Lorna, the other morning, I gave her a High 5 and pronounced, WE BOTH ARE AMAZING! Then we hugged each other. That simple gesture made my day and I’m sure hers. My heart was full of pure joy.

As women, no matter what age, we all crave and want each other’s support and connection. We need to encourage, acknowledge and inspire one another — everyday. So we can lift each other up, so we can feel good, so we can be better, so we can all rise — together.

What are you committed to — right now? My hope is that you truly commit to yourself and to whom or what matters to you.

I am single, never married and don’t have kids.There is no way at age 25 that I could have imagined my life as it is now.

I was living in San Francisco, in my first sales job, beginning to make money and prove myself to myself and the world. I always thought I’d “settle down”, get hitched, have babies and live in the ‘burbs. I recall saying to my sister that I was just playing a role until the next stage of my life.

Funny how life is.

At the time, I had a boyfriend. We dated for 2 years and broke up when I was 27. It was a mutual split, but difficult nonetheless, as most breakups are. After we parted, he wrote me a letter and said, “Amy, please love yourself more”. I sobbed when I read it. Whoa. He nailed it.

That break up put me on a growth trajectory. I’m one of the “phoenix always rises” types. I changed jobs and moved to a new company. I built a new vertical market and became highly visible within said company. I worked my ass off, traveled non-fucking-stop, rose up the ranks and generally, let the job consume my every waking hour. Don’t get me wrong, it was a career highlight and the opportunity of a lifetime. I have many hilarious memories and enduring friendships from that period in my life.

And then, a gregarious, handsome, full-of-life Italian, who grew up in Florence, asked me out. The morning after our first date, when I walked into the office, my friend asked point-blank: “Did you sleep with him?” I said, “No, but I’m going to be with him for a long time.”

We were together almost 7 years.

He opened my heart and we loved each other deeply.

6 years into the relationship, a friend told me he was going to propose on our upcoming trip to Italy. After planning the trip and arriving in Tuscany during peak season, my guy, the Italian, forgot the itinerary. This was before the internet, so he had no record of our reservations. We were in San Gimignano, charming and very crowded — with no place to sleep.

Are

you

fucking

kidding me?

I get that he could have been nervous. Or preoccupied. When our plans went awry — or better said, when we no longer had any, perhaps we both saw it as a sign from the universe. We weren’t meant to be. We did make the best of the trip, creating a new adventure which I took in my hands to arrange. Truth be told, I always had a nagging feeling I couldn’t depend on him. So at this point, our relationship started to unravel. I felt there were too many cultural and lifestyle differences to build a long term life together.

A few months after we broke up, he came over to ask me if I wanted to have a baby with him. I said no. Believe me, I had no clue that was my chance! I could have had a baby on my own, of course, but I ultimately decided against that too. Looking back, my life could have expanded in so many different ways if I had said YES to a child. Lesson noted.

Although, things do happen for a reason. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Since then, I’ve had several romantic relationships. I consider myself lucky in love. Each relationship has helped me grow into who I am. I’ve been on my path — a path of self discovery, empowerment, inspiration, learning and connection. I’ve created my life, every single inch of it.

All the choices I’ve made and everything I’ve done have led me to where I am now. I am comfortable in my own skin. I love myself. I love what I do. I love my life. I count my lucky stars everyday.

Also, guess what? I am a proud mama to the most adorable 10 week old mini Goldendoodle!

And, yes — I am ready to meet my guy.