When I was a kid I used to think out loud, I used to pretend that everything around me had a voice and a soul. I was the kind of girl that didn´t talk too much and was afraid of being surrounded by people. In my hometown, I had a bunch of cousins and friends that were the same age as me so my mum would leave me with them playing all day. They didn’t like that much, I was weird, I was shy and when I said something they never understood what was I talking about. They had different families than mine and went to a different school. They were just too different, or I was.

I was going to school in the capital city and spend my weekends in the town so I never had stability or a normal group of friends. I never knew how to behave with all those different groups. In school, I was the poor town girl, with a black dad that no one wanted to be friend with and in the town I was a “high-class” weirdo that said stupid things.

When I got older I was still living in a fantasy world. I got tired of trying to get along with my cousins, or trying to make friends at school, they were all kids going into high school living a normal life, dating, drinking… you know real life stuff, so I made my fantasy world in my head. When I was eleven my mum got really worried because I wasn’t hanging out with my cousins anymore, instead, I was looked up in my room reading or talking to myself about all the adventures I wanted to live when I grew up. So she sent me to a shink. I just wasn´t really social because I wasn’t interested in the same things that most kids my age were. But no because I´m crazy or something.

In some point, my cousins said that had to grow and become a normal teenager so they set me up with some random dude. So I had my first boyfriend, I thought he was my boyfriend, I did. He was older and cute and I had a huge crush on him and of course, I thought he did too. He didn´t and just wanted me for sex. Which I discover later when his real girlfriend got pregnant (thank God I never had sex with him). After that, I just didn’t care about boys, well I thought I didn´t care. I had like ten boyfriends and they all dumped me after one month of dating, and I just moved on to the next one. One day I decided that I would be the one who dumped the guys and not the other way around. So I made this sweet guy fall for me and I broke up with him. I felt like crap, he didn’t deserve that, he was the nicest boy I´ve ever met.

I became that kind of girl that no one takes seriously. The kind of girl that didn’t take anything seriously. I was playing around, I didn’t have or want a real relationship, I didn’t even have any friends. I was a freak that all boys wanted to fuck and leave and a bitch that every girl hated. The worse part of that is that I didn´t give a fuck about what people think, but at the same time, I almost killed myself once because of the same shit. I was tired of not having any friends, I hated that. In my school, I was either a whore or a freak that had her mind in a different galaxy.

I just wanted to get over with high school, with the damn town, and with my country. I wanted to start over somewhere new, somewhere nobody knows me. So I moved from Venezuela to Argentina and became a different person, someone who lives in the real world but add some cool, crazy, fantasy stuff to my every day, someone who can fall in love and have someone who is also in love with me, someone who have friends that like me the way I am and someone who is never afraid of saying something.

There is a lot of things to say, talk, dream and write about how I became the person I am today and how I keep evolving day after day, so that’s exactly what I´m going to do. I will keep growing and I will keep writing about it.

I don´t really think I´m completely useless, at least not all the time. But I do have some problems “doing things” or “getting things done”. I have a lot of things to do, like A LOT but I just don’t do them. I don´t know if it´s because I´m too lazy, or because I don´t like doing stuff or maybe I am useless.

I live in a kind of a vicious circle every single day of my life. That is because every time I wake up in the morning (sometimes afternoon) I make a list on my mind of things that I should do that day. Those are simple stuff like walking the dog, do the grocery shop, clean the house, maybe even read a book. I´m not even talking about the important things like getting a job o study for the university. I´m talking about things that the only requirement is to get off the fucking bed. And after an entire day of doing absolutely nothing, I go to sleep saying “I will do it tomorrow”. And at the next day, the circle starts again. And after a couple days or maybe weeks of doing the same shit day after day, I realized something. Maybe I am useless.

My boyfriend, my friend, and family are constantly saying that I´m a really smart girl, that I´m capable of achieving whatever I want and that I shouldn´t kick myself down all the time saying stuff like that because one day I´m gonna start believing it. Ladies and gentlemen, that day is here! Over the past week, I´ve been doing some thinking (I actually think this is a really dangerous thing for a person like me, I shouldn´t think that much). All this thinking mixed with some talks whit my family, and I think is important to say that all of them are in Venezuela which is the most fuck up country in the world, some economic problems, a little of my mum and her lectures about being a grown up… and of course there is the fact that I asked my boyfriend to buy stuff on his way back from work even if the supermarket is a block away from home or that the dog pooped on the house because I didn´t take her out for a five minutes walk. A mix of important stuff and ridiculous stuff got me thinking that maybe, I am useless.

I want to do stuff with my life. I want to graduate, I want to travel, I want to make my mum proud of me. I want a lot of things. And also I have done a lot of things, things that matter to me. I migrated from my home country to a new one, I started a completely new life from scratch, I manage to finally choose a career, I worked for a little while… I HAVE DONE STUFF. I´m tired of every day going to bed thinking that I am useless. Maybe I´ll wake up one day and realize that I am not useless.

So, here’s the thing, I’m 21 years old, I’m living abroad and I’m studying journalism, so I’m supposed to be a responsible adult and take the rails of my life or at least that’s what my mum says. But there is a problem: I’m just 21 years old, I’m not an adult. My life is just starting. I shouldn’t have to worry about what I’m going to do the rest of my life rigth now, or should I?

I have two things in my mind right now, one of them is a list with a bunch of incomplete goals that I haven’t accomplished yet (because I’m 21…). The other one is a list of fears, a list of thing that would scare me to death if I do the things that I’m supposed to do. I have a couple problems with the first one, the biggest problem is that the whole list contradicts itself. The list is full of goals but not just mine, there is a mix between the ones that were imposed by my family and society, the things that I’m supposed to do. And there are the things that I would like to do. So yes, it might be confusing… at least for me.

Fist goal: “Graduate, find a job, grow up, be successful and all this crap”. Those are things that probably most of us have heard at least ones in our lives. And don’t get me wrong I do want success, I did get to choose what I wanted to study. And probably I do want to be a journalist. I’m not one of those cliches on movies that parents want to control my future and want me to take over the family business (sorry if you can relate) a have a pretty good family and they let me make my decisions but to a certain extent. They keep saying that I’m “an investment”, it means that if I don’t accomplish they would have lost their money… kinda. But I don’t want to wake up in ten years and find out that I missed the best years of my life sitting in front of a computer, writing stuff that I probably don’t give a fuck about. All this tipical millennials problems leads me to my second goal.

Second goal: I just want to travel, I want to get to know the wold from what I see with my own eyes. I don’t want to read it somewhere or hear it from someone else. I want to do it. I want to have the whole experience, I want to live on a continued adventure. I want to wake up and just say “ok I want to go skiing so tomorrow I’ll go to Switzerland” and after a month skiing and after I realized I’m terrible at it, say “I prefer to go surfing to Hawaii” and then “I want to go and claim a mountain in Chile” and so on. And just visit every city in this world, learn about every culture and get to know all different kind of people. At least ‘till I get tired of not having any kind of stability in my life…

That’s all. I know is not much, normally people have more on their bucket list than two simple things for their future, but I don’t want to keep planning things especially when I change my mind every five seconds. So this is all, I have two goals in my life and both of them leads me to fear and deception.

What do I fear? I fear that if I graduate and get a stable job at 25 that will be it. I might start a family, have children and get a husband and then get divorced or not. I don’t want to start talking about my love life right now, so I won’t. But that really will be it, I would like to say that with my degree I will be a star journalist and I’ll work for CCN or BBC and I will travel the world, but is not realistic. Is not a goal, is a dream. So yes I don’t want this 8 to 5 life because it sounds so boring.

What else do I fear? If I just quit everything I say fuck off I’m going to travel the world, working as a waitress the rest of my life. THAT WILL BE IT. Fine I traveled, enjoyed. But after 10 or 15 years I will be alone. All of my friends will have kids and even grandkids, my family will be so disappointed that they will stop talking to me and my actual boyfriend will dump me because I’m traveling all the time. So I end up alone, friendless, loveless, jobless even homeless. Because if I choose this life I wont have a home. And getting even more realistic, we live in a very competitive era were people graduate at 22 and become entrepreneurs at 25. I will be an unemployed 30 years old that spent the last ten years traveling, so my opportunities of finding a job as a journalist are even lower.

This is my dilemma. Whatever I choose to do leads me to nothing. Should I go crazy and after ten years end up alone or do what I supposed to do and end up empty? Currently, I’m doing none of them, because I think that all of this is pointless. I am sleeping ‘till 2 pm and watching Netflix all day because at this point everything is so uncertain that is not enough motivation to make me get off the bed and do what I’m supposed to be doing.