While most podcasts this week are probably just talking about the government shutdown, The Anne Clark Show is actually going to do something about it. Check us out on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, Soundcloud, or right here in the player below! We’re collecting pledges with the intention of opening our own government. Like mail? Want roads? Become a sustaining member of our podcast! We just need to raise like, a trillion dollars, and we can get this done! Also, we talk about the Chrysler Building, UCB, Syria, all the serious and potential Democratic presidential candidates, and of course the Bird Box Challenge.

Steven Spielberg told reporters earlier this week that he is open to creating a female version of Indiana Jones, saying “We’d have to change the name from Jones to Joan. And there would be nothing wrong with that.”

UM, ACTUALLY Mr. Spielberg, no disrespect, you’re a great director and a great man. I still consider Jurassic Park to be the greatest film of my generation. Unfortunately, you’re wrong here. Little known fact: the character’s name is actually Indiana Jones, or (spoiler alert I guess if you’re a baby who doesn’t know what movies are yet) Junior “Indiana” Jones. So you wouldn’t have to change anything about the Jones part.

Indiana is actually a feminine name already. So really you’d just be realizing the character’s full potential. So, actually, yeah.

Several Hollywood actresses issued stern denials today that they were the one who bit Beyoncé in the face, following Tiffany Haddish’s recounting of the incident in GQ that led to the singer hiding her face in their selfie.

Jennifer Lawrence: I was wearing beautiful Chanel lipstick, you think I would bite Beyoncé in the FACE? I have only ever done pickleback shots with Beyoncé followed by tickle fights.

Alyssa Milano: I would stand with Beyoncé but would never bite her in the face. During times like these we women must have each other’s backs not bite each other’s faces.

Meryl Streep: Once, Alec Baldwin bit me in the face, but it was brilliant. I’d never want to steal anything from Alec’s body of work because he’s just so, so brilliant and such a dear, dear friend.

Bette Midler: I actually bit Meryl Streep in the face once but I bet she doesn’t remember because she was drinking a lot then, anyway, who got bit in the face? …Beyonwho?

Zendaya: What IS this how did you get your voice inside my phone? You made it make a weird noise and now your voice is coming through it? How are you doing this? Anyway, if you can hear this, check my instagram story.

Lindsay Lohan: I lost a whole finger and none of you bastards even noticed. But you know what? I forgive you, though I noticed you haven’t even asked about the Quran I’m carrying.

Ashley Olsen: (the noises a rabbit makes, whatever that means to you)

Lena Dunham: I would like to apologize for biting Beyoncé in the face, I see now that — WAIT no sorry, haha, force of habit. I did NOT bite Beyoncé in the face. Are you getting that? I did NOT. But, hey, listen, do you want a dog?

Hey, it’s me! Sal! You know, the guy who sells hot dogs out of the back of my van? And I got some opinions alright. People been talkin a lot about this gun business lately. Sayin crazy shit like that to buy guns we should have “rules” and “some kind of system just any kind of system, please, people are dying.” But you know what? This is America, and in America we care about one thing: freedom. Not kids, not lives, and especially not kids’ lives, but FREEDOM.

It’s freedom that allowed me to buy this van, cash, from my cousin Marty who gave me fair warning that it has no breaks or seat belts. But you know what? That’s my problem, and it’s none of your business. Besides, who needs brakes to sell hot dogs? Not me.

All I know is, if we start makin rules about who can own guns, soon enough, they’ll start tryin to tell me I can’t drive my van just cos I’m not “licensed to operate a motor vehicle” and I’m “literally always drunk”, tyranny! My father didn’t fight in the cola wars just to have some government lacky tell his son he can’t be within 200 yards of a school because of a terrible misunderstanding with a 15 year old and her mother a few years back. It’s fine don’t worry about it, again, none of your business.

And hey, stuff like “creating a database of gun owners” is just the beginning of a government that’s eventually gonna try to come down here and tell me I can’t deliberately undercook my hot dogs and call ’em “tofu”. It’s cheaper, faster, and they sell better. If you’re puking it’s just cos you’re not used to healthy food!

Sometimes people even argue we should require gun safety classes or mental health evaluations to own guns. And I’m like, look, if we go down that road, pretty soon I’m gonna have someone showin up here asking me if I’m qualified to administer the botox injections that come with each hot dog sale, and I don’t need that kinda heat.

So look, lets let guns be just for whoever wants ‘em! It’s none of the government’s business who’s buying what instrument of death and why. And frankly, it’s none of my business either! Look, you don’t come down here and start asking why I’ve got so many kids fryin up expired hot dogs in an unventilated diesel-fueled van, and I’m not gonna insist on knowin why you need a machine that was built specifically to kill large numbers of people quickly.

Cool?

Can’t anyone take a joke anymore? Today on Twitter the left proved their own fragility by completely falling apart over my tweet.

While us grownups were just trying to discuss a little thing we like to call tax policy, the precious millennials took a break from calling their parents for money to insult me even though I’m a woman. So much for feminism.

Unfortunately for all these participation-trophy holding kids who discovered socialism at an improv class, I’m not lonely. At all.

Just ask any of my assorted dying houseplants.

Buckley

Buckley is the king of my houseplants, because unlike the precious liberals who cry like babies in the face of strong leadership, my plants know to respect their betters. Buckley is the largest so he is king.

He’s been slowly dying for awhile now, no matter what I do, but even he mustered enough energy to chuckle with me at the left’s hypocrisy in their shaming of me for tweeting about my loneliness, which does not exist. How could it with Buckley around?

Matt

Named for Matt Drudge, my very best human friend whom I’ve met twice, Matt the plant was also completely unimpressed with the left’s petty insults.

Even as his leaves drooped, he and I reminisced over a time in America when people weren’t afraid to call socialists what they were: traitors. And guess what kids? If your boss found out you wanted to reallocate his wealth, he could fire you. Bet you didn’t know about the 50’s huh? Only I know about the 50’s. Matt and I hate you all so much.

O’Reilly

O’Reilly is the plucky little upstart of the bunch. Through all my regular TV appearances, book deals, and speaking engagements, O’Reilly is one of my biggest sources of support whenever I lose sight of why I started this big time media career to begin with: to take down the media.

Sure enough, O’Reilly thinks all your childish Twitter insults are a symptom of how much I’m getting to you. It’s proof that you hate the rotten husk of a personality I worked for years to cultivate so I could get all the angry dads in the world to buy my books. And now your dad’s money is mine, all mine. And O’Reilly and I are going to my mansion in Palm Beach with it to spend the two weeks he has left laughing at you.

So there.

Do you read the news? Has it crushed the small amount of happiness you were able to feel after you saw Wonder Woman? Yeah. Well, here’s a small list of inexpensive, simple pleasures to reconnect you to the universe’s beauty and truth and all that good hippie shit.

The New Beck Album, It is Called “Colors” And It’s Very Nice

“Smooth” “Uplifting” and “Poppy” are all words I would use to describe this very nice album Beck has given us. When you listen to it, try dancing only with your arms. No other body parts. All arms.

A Welch’s Grape Soda, For a Treat

“Smooth” “Uplifting” and “Poppy” are also words I would use to describe this drink you probably haven’t had since high school. Yes, it’s sugar. But it also does have some grapes in it. Or at least it honors the idea of grapes. Either way, these theoretical grapes are grown by local (to someone) farmers! And of course it’s not *good* for you but it’s important to remember we’re all dying all the time and all you can do is appreciate that you got to exist during the millisecond of human history in which there was grape soda.

Adult Coloring Books But Not Like Porn Adult Just Grown Up

Maybe a couple years ago when you first heard of this trend you scoffed like I did. Then, the whole world fell apart and suddenly turning off your phone and sitting in the middle of the floor coloring an elephant with a gel pen sounds like just the kind of simple, controllable expression of self you need.

Yoga In the Dark Privacy of Your Home

Not to undermine your local yoga studio or anything, but you can do yoga in your home for free at any time day or night. Wearing all clothes or no clothes or some clothes. My favorite online teacher is Adriene because she’s exceedingly chill and pretty in a way that makes me want to be her but not destroy her. Light a candle before you start if you wanna get even closer to becoming a person who buys crystals. Those people do seem happy.

Video Games Are Still A Thing

Sometimes yoga fails and you just need to kill things with a big sword, and Shadow of War is good for this. You get to run around and just kill orcs as needed. There’s a story but like you don’t necessarily have to do it. I prefer to just plug in, kill some orcs for like 45 minutes, and plug out. Shadow of Mordor is the older version of this game and is way cheaper.

People have also been really into this Paperclip Game but it looks involved enough that it could potentially destroy my life. The good thing about killing orcs is I eventually get tired of it so I can stop and function as a human being.

Watch Toast of London on Netflix, Please

This is a very surreal, silly British comedy full of fun performances. I also need more people to watch every episode 2 or 3 times so when I quote it in public I don’t seem as insane. K thanks!

Not Just Pumpkins but Funky Pumpkins

Barry Road Hy-Vee on Twitter

Funky Pumpkins have arrived! Bring on fall.

Also known as gourds, Funky Pumpkins are all the rage this fall. Go to the store and buy a weird ass lookin pumpkin or two. Make a centerpiece of Funky Pumpkins. Embrace your inner Funky Pumpkin. A few Funky Pumpkins and all of a sudden you’re a person who wears hats for fashion and not necessity. Turns out you were the Funky Pumpkin all along.

Benadryl and All The Blankets

Take a dose of Benadryl and put all the blankets you have on you. Maybe some pillows on or around yourself too so it’s like a nest. Just trust me.*
*but like, if it’s too hot, don’t. You do you.