Reading my old drafts today and I realized how much I have changed, just for the way I view LIFE. A little something from December 2015:

“2015 was an important year to me. Never in my life I have gone that far, travelled that much and seen life that different. This year, I have made 12 trips, visited 5 countries, over 30 cities just in Asia-Pacific. 10 over 12 was spontaneous. At first, I didn’t understand why I could have so many opportunities to travel, but then I realize that there was a reason in it. Life was teaching me a lesson. A lesson about loneliness.

I rarely feel the sense of loneliness. I was always surrounded by friends, family, loved ones. I always saw myself as a lucky person because I always have someone to cry on, to listen to my nonsense, to embrace me when I am at my worst. But on my 22nd birthday, when I was on the plane to Chiangmai, it came and hit me on the face and all I could do was crying.

All the faces, words, feelings and memories flew into me. It was just yesterday. For the first time in my life, I realized how lonely I was. I always wanted to go, to travel, to be on the road and turn away from reality. At a point, I didn’t know that there are many little wounds inside my heart that I have forgotten. I saw the little girl sitting in the corner of the room, scared and weak. The little girl looked at me with her tearful eyes, innocent and bright.”

Re-reading this piece, a weird feeling is covering me. It has been 2 years since I wrote this. It’s 2018, a fine saturday afternoon, in the spring. It’s cold outside, it’s said that it would be the last monsoon of this winter. No one knows if it’s going to happen, or tomorrow will come.

The first time I read that poem of Rumi, I fell in love with it. But only until recent I realized what’s the meaning of it. The story of love that is so beautiful yet found in despair and tears, the story of self-love. It’s easy to go out and find a “lover”, today you can even find it within a swipe, but that is not the kind of love you want.

We all look for completion, the feeling of being whole and fulfill, and it’s not something we can look for from others. We can’t take “someone” to complete ourselves, because it’s never gonna work. We can only be fulfill by being present with ourselves, understand it and “be” with it.

Today after 2 hectic weeks, I finally got home early, slept straight away from 8pm and woke up at 3. And like everyone who woke up at this time, we often think about everything we don’t have time to think about during the day. Then I wondered what has just happened?

It has been almost 2 years since I left Singapore, at that time I didn’t know what i was gonna do in future (and I still dont know where life will bring me to). I know nothing but God has a plan for us all.

When I was standing at Zozoji Temple, waiting for the first bell ring of 2016, my friend asked what have I done in the last year. At that time I couldn’t think of anything that I would be proud to say. But then I realised that I have done more than i thought. I had enjoyed the sunset in indonesia, driven through the Great ocean road, stood above the cloud in Tasmania, stepped in yoga path, taken a cert in nutrition, started off a project called “The Life School”, witnessed my bestie walked along the aisle to get married, received kisses from mom and sis everyday, crossed lanterns festival off my bucket list, danced happily like a kid in the first snow in Takayama, contemplated an amazing sunrise in Bagan, …

On top of all I have lived, loved, laughed, cried and learnt wonderful lessons, met and gave countless kisses and hugs to those amazing people in my life. Thank you for the sweet encounters that forever changed my life.

2016 started off with my new project called Dahlia Scrapbook — a random thought I had to my 11 years BFF only 5 months ago but now it has become real. I can’t believe that yesterday was our opening day, thank you everyone for your congrats, loves and wishes. I apologise to all my friends who I wasnt able to invite, i still felt unprepared untill the very last minutes, please forgive and visit me once when you are in town.
“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we should dance”, isnt it?”

I think it is the hardest thing we have to do in our lifetime. Scientists said that we make about 35,000 decisions everyday on average, it doesn’t sound like a big deal, does it ? But still, when it comes to decision making, most of us will have a sense of hesitation, nervousness and uncertainty.

Our decision is our responsibility. Responsibility scares people the most, doesn’t it? We all taught that we have to be responsible, meaning when bad thing happen, it is a part of our fault. Whoever wants that? Want to be criticized? We are hesitated to make decision because we don’t want to be the one to be blamed on, because every one says “falling is a part of learning” but when things go wrong we still need to find a person to blame it on.

Born in the 90s, I am considered a kid of new generation, living in a peaceful world and having a comfortable life. Same like many other kids my age, I used to think that life is better if it is written. If my parents draw me a path then I won’t be struggled finding my purpose in life, don’t need to worry about which school am I going to apply, what am I gonna do after graduation, when am I going to get marry and such. It is such a delusion that we create for ourselves just to run away from life. We all want to be mature but we are afraid of being responsible.

We tend to afraid of having decision in a relationship when it involve more than 1 party. We give excuses that we are afraid that it will hurt others — the one whom we care most. But we actually afraid of losing them as in a way of losing something that used to belong to us. We are just being selfish. We see everything as our own possession, the more we own, the more we feel insecure to keep them by our side.

I talked to a friend few days back about relationship. She was in a deep crisis, not knowing what to do. I suddenly find myself right in her shoe a year back then. Struggling finding a way out of a relationship, the mind was saying something that the heart doesn’t want to listen, trashing myself into the repeated circle of work-drink-sleep until I lost 10 pounds just within a week. When I look at my friend, I think how easy things could be if we have enough encourage to step ahead, just one step and thing will be different. Looking in from the outside is always easier, when we are stuck inside our own circle, finding ourselves standing in the middle of an intersection with every path is a new possibility. We never know if we never try — true, but what if…?

I believe in karma and I learnt that nothing is wrong. Everything is right in its own way. With every choice we make, life is teaching us a great lesson that we need to learn in this life. Either we learn it now or we will learn it in our next life, it will carry on until we learn our lesson.

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Originally published at dancingwiththecat.wordpress.com on October 23, 2015.