You think I’m negative, why? Cause my face was used as punching bag, my throat was almost slit with a knife?

You think I’m negative, why?

Cause my life wasn’t filled with rainbows and sunshine?

You think I’m negative, why?

Cause I wake up in the middle of the night, through a nightmare or flashback, grateful that I’m alive?

You think I’m negative, why? Cause I got back up stronger every single time, cause I learned how to be alone, how to fight, cause everything inside me knows how to survive?

You think I’m negative, why? Cause I have PTSD from the things I couldn’t control that happened to me?

You think I’m negative, why?

What gives you the right to decide how I survived, the thoughts I choose to put inside my own mind?

And sure there are somethings I can’t control, but God help if you think I’m sitting alone in a corner miserable…. seriously? For real though..?

I don’t play victim to my circumstances and surely not to my mind.

I don’t take it as a bad thing, that I’m physically obligated to be grateful that each breath means I have the privilege of being alive.

I’m grateful for my dark days, doesn’t mean they were great. But I’m not sitting here whining with my hands to my face, I’m not sitting here trying to escape out of past pain. I don’t sit a corner crying or feel bad for myself. I know how strong I am for all I’ve been dealt.

And you don’t get to choose how I am or what I think. I’m not wrapped up in darkness or insecurities, but to keep it all locked up, and say the pain was never there, I’m sorry but that’s just not the real me. I don’t hide from my past, I don’t paint it away, the darkness from back then contributed to the light of today.

And I’ll speak my truth and share my story for all the kids going through the same thing, cause I know they are worried. Worried to share what’s underneath their skin cause God forbid someone look past who they are and decide to look at the negative.

And I was afraid, I was so afraid too and I’ll tell you that yes some of my fears absolutely came true

Some people looked past who I am and saw darkness instead

Some people judged and called me negative

Some people told me that they felt I needed to share every piece of my life and to hear about it was exhausting and it blocked out my light

Some people decided because I shared a few things, they knew all about me

People even thought I had anxiety…

Didn’t really matter that my psychologist didn’t agree…

People who don’t want to hear about you will look at you through limited beliefs

And so many people think they know but really don’t know much about PTSD…

And some people don’t believe I’ve been rewiring that brain for about 6 years now

I don’t play victim to my mind and they have their doubts

And I could go on, but I’ll just stop here

Because this is what happens when you’re played by your fear

And for a while there, I played back, right into that fear

I just stopped speaking of the things I went through, being so afraid if I shared

They would see me for that darkness instead of the strength I had to make it through

They would relate what was, to what I am now

They would hate me, and shame me for speaking out loud

And oh they did, and it hurt and I was humiliated and I wondered if I hadn’t spoken if I’d be seen differently

I felt like because I shared, I didn’t give a chance for everyone to see me for me

(What a shame, I have to say, that people’s inaccurate judgements make us feel that way)

But here’s the thing about fear

You either run or you face it

All your doing is hiding when you just use rainbows to paint it

And the beauty of the intensity of survival that I had to live through

Is you learn how to face things even when you’re completely afraid

You learn to keep it 100% real cause you can’t live another way

So this is for the kids, and the people who are still afraid

Who allow people to hurt them or problems to just exist

Because to pretend it doesn’t hurt won’t make you negative

But stop it, to see yourself clearly you need to admit and look through all that s***

It doesn’t make you weak to speak truth about how you lived

It only makes you stronger to admit what you went through or are going through now

Face all of your fears and move past your doubts

Just because you don’t have to play victim to circumstances doesn’t mean those circumstances aren’t real

Just because you don’t have to play victim to your mind doesn’t mean that you haven’t gotten to be stronger than anyone knows to put in that fight

Don’t pretend, I know how much it hurts to be judged

But for Heaven Sake kid, get back up

Nobody gets to decide your truth and nobody gets to decide who you will be, but you

Let them make whatever judgements they want about you

You know best: what is, and, isn’t the truth

I’ll quote Batman cause he said it best:

“It is not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you”

Listen to that again:

It is not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you….

Regardless of past/current circumstances, you have the ability to decide your path

You choose.

You choose your choices, are you going to be bad or good.

This has nothing to do what’s going on around or even inside of you.

I’m full of laughter and smiles

I love every piece of my beautiful life

I see things clearly because reality can bite

But it also gives us hope, and fun, and sunshine

Instead of praying the rain doesn’t come, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s pours, but even if you’re soaking wet, you can be grateful that you’re alive

I don’t go around pretending that even though it’s raining, I remained dry…

No I’m sorry that’s not me

I’m going to always keep it 100% real

It’s not wrong to admit shit was tough and how you feel

But I’ll love, I’ll hope, I’ll smile

I’ll choose to find the rainbow and I’ll even pray for the sun

But I’ll still dance in the rain until it’s done

But you bet I’m gonna start to fight if that water starts getting into my lungs

I’ll choose that every person I meet is a chance for me to do some good

And every problem that arises, is an opportunity to solve

And every wrong that comes our way is an opportunity to do some right

And the things that happen to us gives us the opportunity to inspire

To fuel another’s persons beautiful fire

I am strong and I am able

People underestimate me all the time, it’s happened all my life

They choose to forget to see how much I am capable

And I’ll wear this heart right down on my sleeve

I’ll always fight for truth, Justice, hope and humanity

I recognize patterns of problems and have learned that it’s a skill set and it’s what people learn to be able to survive

Let people not learn, if they choose it to see it as negative. They may have never needed to and that’s fine…

They’ll change their mind if they need to see it in order to stay unharmed or alive.

And the skill set allows us the freedom of choice, what will you do with the problems that you can see?

You can solve them or just let them be….

I’ll choose to use them to solve them cause it makes differences for those who have gone through the things like me

And if I am able to clear a better path? Isn’t that my responsibility?

Every choice, every problem, every circumstance is an opportunity

I’ll keep it 100% real, because real is what inspires me.

I’m no fan of false positivity

I don’t think you need to brainwash yourself to be able to believe

There is more good inside of your soul, than around you, or even inside of your mind

I think there’s power in the words “I survived and I came out even better on the other side”

You can criticize me all you want

I’ve heard it all before

Tell me I’m not good enough

Yet how many times have I picked up on my own pieces of the floor?

I don’t believe you anymore

You say that I’m not strong enough, it’ll take time but I’ll learn

To think that I’m not strong enough, how silly… when I’ve walked through hell & didn’t burn

You say as time flies byes and I get older than maybe I’ll see and that I’ll know better

Not even realizing I’m already me and every obstacle I already beat for this woman you see — just to become her

I learned how to breathe with my head under water

You can try to drown me but I’m not going under

My heart is humble but my head, oh it’s strong

You say that I can’t

I’ll still prove you wrong

I have all that I need by the grace of my God

And I’m harder on myself than anyone could be

And the words when they’re mean, I let them fall down by my feet

And I sweep them aside as if they are dust

I rose up from the ashes, you won’t see me rust

And maybe you’ll see my pain, even my blood

You’ll make sure I hear the words and you’ll want them to cut

You’ll say I could never be just quite enough

And you’ll hit me, and kick me, & hurt me more when I’m down

But every time I’ve fallen, I’ve gotten back up

And you’ll see me struggle, but I don’t stay on the ground

No matter who’s tried, no matter what life’s done

I’ve gotten through a lot and I’ve done it alone

I’m not afraid of knowing how to do things on my own

I’ve lived through so much, and God knows that I’ve learned

You weren’t there through what I endured

And you want me to question what I am worth?

Let me think back to how I got hurt

These scars aren’t random, they had to be earned

You pretend like you care now, you only see your own hurt

You can play the victim, place the blame on me

Pretend that life’s wronged you, set your guilt free

I don’t question myself, who I am underneath

I’m honest and brutal, and this is just me

And sure you can clip my wings and you can pierce my skin

Even take my flesh, but you can’t get in

I can die any moment, but you can’t take my soul

All of my choices I’ve made on my own

And when I have fought, I fought all alone

I cried and I struggled as you sat on a throne

You licked your lips while I bled as you counted your gold

But I’ll do right every day, because I answer to no one but God

And my soul is in His hands, He is my judge

And you can throw things at me and criticize me all you want

But I already know I’m more than enough

I already know every ounce that I’ve ever. been worth

The kind of fighter I am, and what kind of girl

I already know what material makes up my soul

I know what I want and what I deserve

So do what you want, you have no control

I already know how strong that I am

And when I say I’ll do it, I know that I can

I know every corner of every piece of my heart

And I know how to put things together after they have fallen apart

I know that I’m dangerous and I know that I’m smart

I know what I am & who I am too

And I did it myself, nothing left to prove

And when the odds are against me, and the going gets rough

When all the world’s trying to say that I’m not enough

I’ll still bet on myself against all of the odds

Because every-time I needed to I’ve gotten back up

And I’ve always found a way to come out on top

Without selling my soul & even through feelings and horrors by staying strong

God is my savior, my grace, and my judge.

So try and come at me or choose to run

Your words mean nothing to me, you’re showing your colors

And you’re choosing wrong, don’t try to start a war I already won

Going through trauma is ok, speaking about what you went through is ok. Not being ashamed of your memories is ok, feeling that pain through your trauma, the hurt all of that. That’s ok, your pain is valid and your trauma is valid. What you have been through did matter and it does matter.

But just because your pain was valid, and just because what you went through mattered does not mean you get to make choices based on them. Listen to me right now, every survivor out there. Every person who has been in circumstances from hell.

Your trauma does not define you, what happened to you does not define you, your pain does not define you. No one has the right to take your choices away and more than that, no one has that power.

We are not defined by who we are underneath, but by what we choose to do and who we choose to be, in spite of it, despite or even because of it.

We didn’t deserve the trauma of course not, or the pain, or maybe the whole past but we do not have excuses to not be better than what was handed to us. Our choices ladies & gentleman, those are on us.

Your pain is valid, your trauma is valid, so do be afraid or ashamed to talk about it, even to feel it on some days, don’t let people tell you it’s not there. Being better than what you were put through does not discredit what you went through, being better than your current circumstances does not discredit your current circumstances, choosing to love, give and be stronger than everything that surrounded or surrounds you does not discredit or invalidate anything about the difficulties. Who you choose to be instead of all those things, that does validate who you are. That does either credit or discredit us, because no one but us gets to make those choices. No one & nothing. No one else but ourselves get to decide what kind of example we want to choose to set. You are the example you set out to be.

And darling, it’ll burn, but you take that hellfire you were raised in or tossed in and you become it & you change its course to make yourself the most positive force you can be. The choice is ours.

And hit me

Or put me in the corner

Every moment so painful that my brain won’t even remember

It was ok as I felt the pain, and the shame and the betrayal

It was ok as I cried and drifted away

Cause everytime he hurt me

And he hurt me really bad

To know he wasn’t hurting you

Inside it made me glad

And if I had to do it again, and I could watch you grow up the same

Who you are today was more than worth my pain

You don’t see the demons that I’m fighting

I put my life on the line, I’ve been going in riding, and it doesn’t stop. It’s just time after time.

And I lost the only footing that I ever had

Before and after, all I’ve done is struggle out of quicksand

Climb up the buildings and then go freefalling

There’s no wall for me to lean against or backing to keep me from falling

This fear of failure, but I keep on going, I don’t give up trying

This isn’t a thrill, it’s terrifying

It’s like if I don’t make it, I’m not surviving

I can’t let go, because I’m not ready to say good bye

To admit that you’re no longer with me in this life

To admit you’re gone, it will make this way too real

I keep pretending that I’m not, but this is a pain I’m afraid to feel

How long ago? And yet these wounds still haven’t healed

I’m afraid that if I open myself up, there will be so much damage that they never will

And I’ve made it way too far to go backwards in any moment now

I keep getting up when I’m hitting the ground, and every time I get up I’m knocked back down

The pressure I feel is underlying, this isn’t win or lose for me, it’s basic surviving

But this life without you is something so hard to do

You’ll never get to see me on my wedding day and I’ll never get to return the love you gave

You were there for me when I wanted to run away, but I’m stronger now and I am safe

You left this world with nothing because you gave all it away

You were there through all my struggles and the darkest of my days

And I wish, with all of my heart I wish that I could have told you what a difference in my life you made

Why don’t I get to show you the progress that I’ve made?

Better yet, I wish you could have seen

That it was the light in your lives, that reminded me I had my own light in me

You loved me and laughed with me every step of the way

You embraced me when all I brought were hurricanes

And you healed every mess that I ever made

You would smile and tell me to speak the truth and love a lot

Nothing matters but who you are

Because at the end of the day it’s between you and God

And here we go again, these tears they are coming

Another migraine, cause I’m crying

I can’t let go of my past because that’s where you lived

And I’m not ready to let go of all that love that you give

To think that you won’t be here to pass it all on to my kids

I’m not ready, I’m not ready yet

I’ve been through a lot but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to write

Maybe it’s cause all my dark days are too entwined within your light

That it makes it so hard for me to let all this go

To know that you’re not here, it’s too hard to know

I miss your guidance and your advice

The care you showed, the support in everything I ever chose to do

I was still young, why didn’t I get more time?

It hurts too much the way I’m missing you

It was easier to face the ugly parts of my past, the almost dying, the witness to a friends almost suicide, even the verbal & physical abuse

It was all easier to face

Than it has been to lose you

Because how do I let go of the things that helped me survive? If I let go, do I lose all of your light?

Where else will you be if I don’t keep you inside?

These memories are all I have left, and I’m sorry they got entangled with only the hardest of times

I wish I could change it now, but I don’t know how because you’re not alive

And I’m gonna have to stop because I know I had to do it, but these have been the most painful words to ever write

My heart is heavy in my chest

My head is pounding and I’m completely out of breath

It feels like someone just left the wind knocked out of me and then they just left

And one day, maybe I’ll let go but I’m not ready yet

Look up at the stars tonight

Tell me what’s inside my heart tonight

There’s caution tape around my mind

Be fully warned before you come inside

The things I’ve seen, where darkness hides

But there’s a waterfall and magic

A round table and legends come to life

It’s a constant battle and consciencely I choose the light

I choose to love, but hate lives here too

I choose to give the taste of my own medicine but how sweet could it be to just have revenge

There are fairies here, there are monsters too

Be careful what you’re getting into

There’s bright colors around a black hole

Chains hold back the things I can’t control

There’s metal cages and prison walls

Reminders of knives in my back and every-time I had to fall

Two faced creatures & devils with broken wings

And angels with evil horns

Appearances can be deceiving, didn’t you know?

Only few can survive

There are screams and horrors, murder scenes, a child being beaten

Footsteps on bodies laying flat on the floor

A girl in a chain tied up, being beaten in the face

And you can’t shut your eyes and when you think she’s had enough, he hits her some more

He tells her she’s nothing, what a f****** disgrace

There are people drowning and you’re swimming but you can’t reach

The farther you swim, the father they sink

You’re screaming that they are going to die and no ones listening

Your screaming but you’re not actually making any sound

You keep swimming, just to get to them and all you can do is watch them drown

You wake up in night sweats, you scream at the horror

You wake up out of breath

You wrestle with the things you see, you smash the mirror cause this isn’t me!!

I would have saved them, I could’ve

Overthinking about how you should’ve

Dreams play past realities

You can’t handle my life if you consider this negativity

I train to swim harder so next time I’ll reach

I train to beat life so it can’t beat me

Because I’ve felt it’s lashes with their full force and the pain

Look up at the stars tonight

Tell me what’s inside my heart tonight

I choose to burn so others can have my light

I choose to love because that’s what gonna win in time

Do you know what it cost my mind to just survive?

Do you know how it feels to be grateful every single second that you’re alive?

Do you know how it feels like to remember that you should have died?

Bruised and broken but never defeated

Throw me to the wolves, and I’m gonna feed them

Learn to love and to keep them

Play in lead with all of the leaders

You want to be inside my mind tonight?

Put your seatbelt on and buckle up tight

Get ready for your heart to hurt and to be terrified

Bruised and Broken through

If you’re afraid of the dark, you won’t survive

Afraid to face realities, you won’t make it out alive

Ready. Set to Ride

Enter at Your Own Risk

Inside my mind

Yeah I’ve been through hell

Fires you’d be lucky to survive

It took fighting like hell for me to come out alive

But I picked every piece that was thrown down onto the floor

Built my roots down deep, stayed true to my core

And now say what you want, say what you want to me

About what I went through

Use that trauma to shame me, you’re too late I’ve already blamed me

Use that trauma to twist my words

Stick & stones might attempt to break me

But I’m used to so much worse

So say what you want, say what you want to me

My trauma is not an excuse to forgo. personal responsibility

I’ll be better than all that I have seen

I’m not disillusioned I know it’s up to me

So say what you want, blame who you want, shame who you want

I’m not listening

I’ll be working to be so much better than life was to me

I’m not stopping till I’m the best version of the person I can be

Harder, Tougher, Faster, Stronger

Kinder, Loving, Breathe It In, Softer

I’ll be a good woman, sister, grand-daughter

And eventually I’ll learn to be

A good wife, provider and mother

Don’t go getting this twisted somehow

I’ve never allowed myself to be a victim

I’ve never ever backed down

My past only made me a survivor

My pain only made me a fighter

I don’t let anything harm me now

I’ve picked up every piece of myself after they’ve been trashed on the ground

I’ve been beaten and bruised

Cheated on and lied to

Lost the grandfather that raised me way too soon

I’ve had nightmares scarier than the worst episodes of criminal minds

Felt the kind of pain that would tear you up inside

Told I’d be nothing but a hooker, and I’d make nothing of myself till I screamed and I cried

I’ve been stomped on and used

Bullied and teased

These parts of my heart that you couldn’t even handle if you had to see

Your blows, well sweetheart they have nothing on me

I already know what it’s feels like to have my face beaten in till my nose bleeds

Aim as hard as you like, try and make it stick

But if I’ve learned anything, it’s how to take a hit

Let it roll off my skin and every damn time, I’ll get up once again

And now say what you want, say what you want to me

About what I went through

Use that trauma to shame me, you’re too late I’ve already blamed me

Use that trauma to twist my words

Stick & stones might attempt to break me

But I’m used to so much worse

So say what you want, say what you want to me

My trauma is not an excuse to forgo. personal responsibility

I’ll be better than all that I have seen

I’m not disillusioned, I know it’s up to me

So say what you want, blame who you want, shame who you want

I’m not listening

I’ll be working to be so much better than life was to me

I’m not stopping till I’m the best version of the best person I can be

Harder, Tougher, Faster, Stronger

Kinder, loving, breathe it in, softer

I’ll be a good woman, sister, grand daughter

And eventually I’ll be a good wife, provider and mother

Don’t go getting this twisted somehow

I’ve never allowed myself to be a victim

I’ve never ever backed down

My past only made me a survivor

My pain a fighter

I don’t let anything harm me now

I’ve picked up every piece of myself after they’ve been trashed on the ground

I faced a knife to my throat

A knife to my friends when he tried to take his own life

Forced into car rides

And this list it just goes…

Almost had to witness my friend my commit suicide

All those times where I was screamed at and shamed until I sobbed and I cried

It wouldn’t stop even when it burned my eyes, even when it burned me inside

Told over and over again I’d make nothing of my life

And it just goes & goes…

So much that I can’t even write it all

Even in my attempts to break down my walls

How many different homes?

And the year I lived inside my car

I was trying to let down my guard

And now I know that that was wrong

Because people use what they consider your weaknesses against you once they think they know what the weaknesses once they think they know what they are

But good, go ahead, they’ve got me all wrong

Must’ve have forgotten I was forged with a hammer in a fire and I’m really, really strong

And I have no room for those who’ve done me wrong.

I’m made of steel and my armor is back on

At war with the world creating monsters cause I won’t be one

It’s my choices, not my past

That made me who I am

These scars, are nothing more than that

I fought for my life and I took it back

Don’t ever think I’ll let history take control

I know better by knowing the things that I know

And even with all I’ve been through, even when I was beaten, when I cried

Even when he wanted to take my life

I never allowed dirty hands near my soul

Nothing that has frightened me, shaken me, tried to get the best of me, hurt me or tested me… has ever been able to shake me down to my core

Because I hold myself accountable and it will always be my choices I’m responsible for

I don’t blame anything, not even my past

I only hope to be living proof that something good and strong can be forged from something weak and bad

There’s nothing you can do about the circumstances that surround you

Only can choose to handle what’s around you

And it requires a fire inside of your heart

And it hurts and it sucks, but there’s no excuse to do wrong

So say what you want, and play what you want

Blame who you want and shame who you want

But don’t say I’m a victim cause it’s not where I belong

I don’t allow my trauma to get me undone

I’m forged from a fire with a hammer and I’m really really strong

And nothing used against me is allowed near my heart

And I’ve got all my armor and I put it back on

At war with the world creating monsters cause I’ll never be one

You look at my past and think I’m undone

And you couldn’t and couldn’t and couldn’t be more wrong

I’m one of those people that’s owning up

I’m one of those people fighting for a life for my kids better than mine was

And by the hard work that I do and the choices I make

I don’t throw my past in for blame

And I’m not even gonna be playing this game

Because the scars on my heart, that’s all that they are

A reminder to do better, a motivator to be strong

An inspiration for real love, maybe a little in why my edges are rough

But it’s me who made me

Don’t get that wrong

It’s me who picked up my pieces and brushed them all off

Left my past behind me and chose to move on

Flashbacks in my head only prove I was strong

Not burying the past again, but my armor’s back on

The warrior inside hasn’t forgotten the battles that she’s won

She can be resurrected in the blink of an eye, watch the warrior I’ve been just come back to life

The warrior inside that knows how to survive

The warriors back and you’re not getting inside, so don’t even try

I’m not letting my stories get twisted cause it just isn’t fair

Every attempt to attack me, but I refuse to be scared

I’ll choose strength, no more fear

So say what you want, blame who you want, shame who you want

Scars out in the open, no more holding them back

I’m not anyone’s puppet, enough is enough

And that’ll be that

I’ll be that kind of woman that’s got a backbone

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath” — Amit Ray

Easier said than done for fast paced movers, problem solvers, survivors and hard headed go getters. But also necessary, because we only get one life, one moment and one chance to capture that moment.

I can’t stand breathing exercises, I’ll rest when I’m dead, but I need to experience moments to motivate me for moments. I need to remain inspired. I need to see the truth in the now, and the wisdom it holds and to do that, I have to breathe. 1,2,3 breathe.

Life should not worry me, I should worry it. So consciously taking in moments of gratitude which come often, and moments of peace and calm not to rid of the chaos that I tend to thrive in, but instead to conquer it. To beautifully become it.

To understand and speak with my Hurricane instead of stand in it’s way. To disconnect with a part of yourself and connect with another.

Nature has a way of bringing you back to grounding. A kind of therapy I often prefer. It breathes a calmness of life back into the hearts of the wild. A truth of the collaboration of calm and passionate being a force of greatness within its own reflection and in my eyes. 1,2,3 breathe. Where am I?

But my darling, it doesn’t even matter when people criticize you when they don’t know who you are. Remember that kind of criticism is nothing to concern yourself with even if it hurts for a moment, because after that moment, you have to remember that they are choosing to criticize a person who doesn’t even exist. It’s not even any part of you they are criticizing, but rather the thoughts of you they’ve made up in their own heads.

Once you realize this, you take back that control you’ve always had, and you should decide two things, to listen and learn from those who know you and to laugh at the absurdity of those who do not.

Stay real, stay true. The only things going with you when you die (and you can die at any moment, we are not promised tomorrow) is the integrity of your character and your service in love and humility in how you treated people.

In life, the most important lesson I’ve ever learned is that people can yell, give up on you, hit you, hurt you, beat you, criticize you, hate you, judge you, misunderstand you, crucify you, gossip about you, call you names, hit you over the head with a hammer, imprison you, doubt you, and whatever else they choose to spend time doing when it comes to their reactions towards you.

Your soul is still untouchable as long as you decide it is so. You can still do the right thing, as long as you choose it is so.

Some of the most inspiring heroes in history gave their entire lives away refusing to compromise their integrity, how they treat people. Refusing to stop speaking up for injustice, promoting equality, and doing the right thing regardless of another’s perception & always in love, with calm and peace in their heart. Regardless of what others said about them. And those people, they changed the world. Because they refused to let the world change their souls.

Every hardship we face is an opportunity to become an inspiration to others. Every time we fall & choose to get back up, we are choosing to be stronger. And every time we allow ourselves to be open, we allow love.

Our pain makes us healers, and our hearts make us truth-seekers. And that my dear, is called winning