Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?”

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” “Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!”

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but … you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.”

“How about the next one” says Saint Peter, “how many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….”

“Hold it,” interrupts Saint Peter. “I see where you’re going with it.”

“And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

I’ll give you credit for that one too.”

“Let’s go on with the next and final question,” says Saint Peter, “Can you tell me God’s first name?”

Forest says, “Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard.”

“Howard?” asks Saint Peter. “What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?”

Forest answers, “It’s in the prayer.”

“The prayer?” asks Saint Peter, “Which prayer?”

“The Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forest: “Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…”

Some years ago, I happened to be living on an old farm in OK. I restored the old, 100 year old hen house and started my own flock. Before I was done, I had 200 laying hens plus the roosters.

Call me crazy, but when I was buying babies, I happened across a local bird breeder and got 2 female and 1 male turkey.

About the same time, my girls had started laying eggs, a neighbor’s teenage son helped me to build a hutch for the tiny wild rabbits, I had rescued and raised. Evidently, sometime during the day, one of my ‘turkey girls’ (snoopy) was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Her middle toe was broken. It had to be those heavy work boots, the boy was wearing.

I noticed her standing in the middle of the yard, barely limping, when all the rest of the birds were herding themselves off to the house at dusk. I examined her, then picked her up and carried her to the henhouse. She couldn’t jump up to the roost, so I held her while she got her balance.

The next morning, all the birds came running out for breakfast. All but Turkey Girl. Realizing she was crippled with a painful toe, I lowered her down to the feed. Then later, seeing she wasn’t joining the crowd, chasing around and grabbing for bugs, I picked her up and carried her over the the front yard, so I could keep an eye on her.

Every time she eyed a bug, before she could make it over to where that bug was, 10 chickens had already pounced on it. This broke my heart and I decided to help her out. I went hunting.

I came back with one of those huge grasshoppers in my fist. I held my fist out toward her, so she could see this little head peeking out and said, “Gotcha One”. She plucked it out of my fist.

Pretty soon, my day was occupied with fetching grasshoppers for Turkey Girl. Each time, I’d call out to her, “Gotcha One”.

About the third day, Mr. Boss Man Rooster, caught on to what I was doing, raced across the yard and plucked that grasshopper out of my fist, so fast I didn’t even see it coming. Dirty Rat! I went and got another one. Same thing. I went and got 2! With one in each fist, I managed to get one of them to Turkey Girl, before he realized there was another one to have.

Before long, I found myself, strolling down the dirt road, along these Pecan trees and shrubs, with a plastic bag, collecting a whole slew of grasshoppers.

The attack was on. Returning to the yard, not only Mr. Boss came running to meet me, so did about 50 chickens, all determined to be first in line. Haha…I managed to get 5 of them into Turkey Girl. So there!

One day, I was about a block down that little dirt road, had collected a whole plastic bag full of grasshoppers and decided to cut across the wheat field, to the house. A short-cut.

This was a huge, squared off field of wheat. I climbed over the fence and started toward the house, when something caught my eye. Just a few feet behind the house, something white flickered in the green carpet of wheat. I walked on. A few seconds later, I saw that flash of white again but closer to me. I walked on. Then, about half the way across the wheat field, I saw that flash of white again, but this time I recognized it. Mr. Boss!!! He was running through the wheat, then popping up ever now and then to get a lock on my location.

Oh, no you don’t! I couldn’t believe my eyes. As he got closer, I raised the plastic bag, full of grasshoppers, high above my head. He caught up with me and the whole rest of the trip, was me defending my treasure, holding it up where he couldn’t reach, and him jumping up higher and higher, as we went.

I finally reached the yard, walked around to the front where the chickens were and yelled out to Turkey Girl, “Gotcha one”, while I lowered the bag, only to discover….it was EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAaaaaah! Now Turkey Girl, stood before me anxiously and I had nothing! “I’ll be right back”.

Two weeks passed, since her toe was broken, when I suddenly discovered, one day, that she had been feigning her wound. For how long?

Aaw…and they tell me turkeys are stupid?

May 18, 2009