Few Months ago, I and a colleague of mine were reviewing a case file at work, and while going through we were both suddenly surprise about a discovery we made, and all of a sudden I instantly commented “hmm, the bit of devil in everyone.” That concept sounded so strange to her that she felt quite disturbed, until she asked, “What do you mean by the bit of devil? There is what the legal system refers to as “Crime” and there is what behavioral scientists and criminologists would refer to as “Human Nature,” It might surprise you what these two have in common, but we will dive a little deeper as to how much external factors play a very vital role:

Rice

With the same colleague of mine, I discussed about the relationship between a corrupt government and it people, and what it like to be governed by a corrupt system, because in a system like that ,you see scenarios whereby citizens also indulge in corrupt act to survive the same system. Apparently, even long before we ever embraced concepts like law, or even morals, our main Aim had always been one thing : Survival. I use “rice” because it represents our basic need “ what most poet would call, the “staple that keeps hunger at bay” So, beyond law, beyond any morals at all, and in a broken system. “System” isn’t just the government. A broken system can be a neglected community, it could be an abusive family, or even our own brain when it is overwhelmed by trauma, mental strain, or extreme pressure that deprives. Now the issue is that in any society Our survival instincts would naturally override any form of rules. When any system be it a big one like a nation or smaller one like our own neurobiology fails to provide safety and stability, more often our instinct for survival kicks in. Apparently, two statements are true “The main thing the law wants is restraint” “Desperation would always show up in a broken system” Ultimately, in the simplest term, most times the difference between the criminal and the law abiding citizen could simply be a full stomach and an empty one.

Environmental factor

Am so sure most of us would have heard how much impact our environment has on us, but I bet most of us actually don’t understand how enormous that influence is. To be honest, factually speaking, we are all not as independent in our thinking as we all think we are. Human behavior is largely mimetic; with time, we actually learn what to desire, what to fear, what to hate, and even what to value by watching those around us.

The surprising fact about all this is that we don’t always have to be consciously aware of it. You and I tend to just accept the beliefs, religions, and moral stances of our environment just to be socially safe and belong. Probably, in a different family, a different country, a different location, or a different time, you might just be someone different entirely. I mean, all we know we have come to learn, and most were passed down to us, even something as strong as our religious belief. So, assuming you were raised in a different house, or a different country, or a different era, your moral beliefs, your religion, and your definitions of crime and justice would look completely different today.

Years ago, the Roman Empire built what we call the Colosseum, which is still standing to this very day. The Colosseum, however, was a place where people, slaves, and criminals were put to fight and kill each other, and occasionally, there were scenarios where animals were also released to kill humans. Understand that during those times, people would finish all their day’s work to meet up with the event in the Colosseum, and children would beg their parents to take them to the Colosseum, and the good child or the child who worked the most or behaved well was taken to be entertained as a form of reward.

Years before the final abolishment of slavery, it was okay to own a person as property, and it was also okay to do anything with the property you owned without any dire consequences.

Quick fact, do you know that In ancient China, philosophers were also government ministers ,and after different system was introduced to maintain law and order, the Qin State introduced Legalism an extreme system of harsh punishment for minor offenses and even collective punishment that are also suffered by the children of an offender and generations to come, because after much frustration, they concluded that human cannot be tamed and that they would always driven by their needs and want alone.

Time might have changed, but human nature has always remained the same. Evolution, civilization, and modernization can clothe it and can shape our idea of what wrong and right is, but you also know that with time, morally wrong deeds have also evolved and they are not necessarily termed “crimes.”

Take your time to look a little into the wars that have been fought in the past, and with all those wars come different kinds of crimes against humanity. In reality, there is no such thing as a “war crime.” Crimes are the natural result of war, you know why? BECAUSE war creates a kind of vacuum where almost no one is restrained morally. War itself would suspend any law that had been keeping our worst impulses in check. Imagine a scenario where there are no consequences for any action; understand that this was the reality thousands of years ago, and those who lived then didn’t act like that merely because they were animals.

Today’s Reality

It all sincerity It far much easier today to be part of a system that perpetuates suffering because we do not see the faces of the people affected by the choices we make, and it in not as obvious because we don not care to pay attention.

“When we are isolated from the immediate consequences of our actions, it would gently fade empathy out, allowing behaviors that are harmful to persist without in anyway addressing or speaking about them. When people do not directly see or feel the pain they cause, it becomes much easier for our minds to justify being ruthless or caring very little about others”

Let’s stop seeing our criminal justice system, not only in Nigeria but across the world, just as a dumping ground for monsters or animals that cannot be redeemed and should be cast away from our society. There is always a lesson to learn, and one major one is seeing circumstances or situations like this as something that kind of mirrors our own vulnerability, the different things we are exposed to, and different conditions, and to also remind us from time to time of what any one of us could become if given the wrong environment and circumstances.

Are we saying circumstances and environment make criminals? No, not really. But I am saying none of us would really know what we are all capable of doing under extreme pressure, wrong circumstances, or when there is absolutely no repercussion for our actions. Trust me when I say it is much easier to put ourselves on a high moral pedestal if we have never been in the shoes of others. If by default we judge everyone very harshly purely based on their actions, then how can we then become part of the change in our criminal justice system altogether? Now, I am not necessarily saying we should not be accountable. It does not mean we stop protecting the innocent. To be honest with ourselves, most times it just takes deliberate effort on our part to want to understand.

A “criminal mind” does not work like something out of this world. Most times, I assure you, it uses just the same reasons, like making excuses, blaming others, or minimizing the damage done, that we use every day to justify lies or selfish actions; the only difference is in the weight.

The question is not whether we are capable of crime. We actually are. The question is what we actually tend to do with such knowledge: Are we going to use it to condemn or to understand, or whether or not we try to build more cages or build a society where fewer people need to be caged in the first place?

But is it all worth it? Maybe or maybe not. But I can assure you that if you do, we might start with seeing a bit of ourselves in the faces of the people we are actually afraid to look at in the first place.

Societal Conditioning

Just recently, I was reading about psychological experiments where some babies were put together in a room so as to come up with findings on the things that trigger FEAR. These researchers found out that naturally, babies are not terrified of snakes or wild animals; despite putting snakes around them, they just kept playing with the snakes. They only showed fear when they heard loud noises or when they were falling. Apparently, it appears that other fears we start having as time moves on are what we begin to learn as we grow up.

As we all grow, many things begin to shape us. I can’t really explain what those two words “shape us” mean in this context, but I can tell you that our perception of reality is majorly influenced by so many things we are not even consciously aware of. And one of them is culture. In India, for centuries, it was a custom for a widow to be burned alive on her deceased husband’s funeral pyre. Now, that was actually a practice that they referred to as Sati. That in itself was not seen as murder at all; it was a form of honor. Again, in my country, for example, in parts of pre-colonial Nigeria, giving birth to twins was seen as a kind of evil omen. Newborns that were twins were either killed or abandoned. Their society over time constantly shaped their reality, and their reality formed their perception of right and wrong. Remember, I initially also spoke about the events in the Colosseum.

No person, I say, yes, no person can completely isolate themselves from the society they have found themselves in. Society, in this context, is not limited to our community alone; it can include our family, our immediate environment, our social circles for instance, institutions, or even a system that has influenced you and I over a long period of time. All these factors shape our beliefs, values, behavior, and the choices we make.

The whole concept of enviromental factor is an influnece is so essiential that even at work, the environment you find youself can contribute positively or negatively to productivity, or something as simple as placing one’s phone far away from one’s working desk could increase the level of productivity by far; or something as simple as placing one’s goals as one’s phone wallpaper could constantly remind us every day of things that we aim to accomplish. Likewise crime. let’s look at the environments that contribute to certain outcomes. This kind of environment, with the wrong timing or opportunity, could easily trigger anyone to do something they have never envisaged they would do.

However, it is not all bad, is it? I mean, if systems and environments can contribute to negative behavior, then maybe the good news is that they can also be made or designed in a way that encourages positive behaviors too. It might surprise you that with time, I have come to realize that we really don’t have to act on things that have influenced us. They can remain like seeds buried just under the surface, either suppressed by the lessons we have learned from them over time, personal values, or because of proper guidance, but they still exist.

“Every single person has dark impulses hidden inside them, like anger, the desire to dominate, or thoughts of violence, immediately they are cornered. When everything in our lives is okay and safe, those impulses could stay buried or even well controlled; but under severe pressure or desperation, they could also break out”

We sometimes read and witness how the families and environments in which some people grew up shaped their attitudes, relationships, and decisions later in life. The same can also be said about our workplaces and institutions, where there are certain behaviors and even different forms of exploitation that have actually become the norm over time. As insignificant as it might seem, it also contributes to shaping how you and I see the world and how we respond to it. When a system is wrong, it never dies and is never left without consequences; they always come for those who either benefited or were victims of it. However, on a closer look, if we admit that we are all capable of crime under the wrong conditions, then we must also ask who among us is most vulnerable to those conditions.

Conclusion

This is not to justify crime; anyone who does anything bad to another should answer for it accordingly. However, do we actually have the right to judge another human? Maybe, because all crimes should be punished and evildoers should never be let loose, or maybe not. But to what extent can we condemn another person? There is a proverb in my native language that states, “Ẹni tó ń yọ èérú kúrò ní ojú ẹlòmíràn, kí ó kọ́kọ́ yọ igi tó wà ní ojú ara rẹ̀.” Whether we like it or not, everything is a lesson to and from us; everything around us has something to teach us. But we can only learn if we are willing to observe instead of just condemning alone; we might even start getting to understand ourselves better. Everyone, I repeat, everyone, has been touched one way or the other by their environment. One way or the other, you and I might just underestimate how being deliberate or having conscious awareness might change how we perceive the world and even ourselves. Remember, more often than not, we usually judge people by their actions but ourselves by our intentions.

Crime , Law and Rice was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I could recall as a child, I was with my father while we driving through my home town. We were both silent throughout the journey, I felt it was because we were both exhausted from other engagement prior. Just few minute drive to our destination, we spotted a car driving at full speed right in front of us, where we had to be alert and maneuver our way through, now that incident broke the silent all of a sudden, and I had to ask, “Dad, it always seem like everyone is in a haste, the same routine for most people, almost like everyone always have to catch up with something”

“I remember him smiling and said “I mean that part of what life entails”

​That experience and the circumstance I was observing as a child was so obvious to me, because it was something that I never resonated with, as a child, and that could have been the main reason my father had smiled. “I felt his unspoken reaction, was like “don’t worry, you would understand better when you grow”. He was right, am understanding better, However, my ability to be able to resonate better with that circumstance now, is still not hindering me from wanting to make meaning of it all.

Subsequently, it that very curiosity of mine that is opening this discourse of ours. The human state was described by psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan. Not to bore you with his theories, the whole explanation goes like this “ usually, as soon as we attain what we have been yearning for, that desiring body of ours suddenly dissipates, taking the feeling that was charging our excitement during its pursuit along with it”

​Most people might interpret it to be “It is not the pursuit of happiness; it is the happiness of the pursuit”.

​However, I would prefer that the idea is viewed through my perspective:

​1. Desire is a hungry ghost that lives on “not yet.”

​Let’s imagine that our desires are, first of all, not just a list of goals, but an engine that will always require “absence” to fuel it.

​Fantasy is usually a more polished version of your own imagination. Our imagination of everything we want in life is generally smooth, glossy, and beautiful. You know the reason why? Because it is all in our heads, and because it is all in our heads, the actual experience in our real world is different. Anything you and I are striving for, everything we want, the job, the potential spouse, think of anything, usually comes with our fantasy of it. Our fantasy of it could be what it will be like, or feel like after having that thing. Each of us have a picture of something like that in our heads.

​The main issue is that reality itself comes with an unexpected package. (( it different) After we successfully end up getting what we desire in life after all our hard work, the reward of our work and basically what we would all expect is that what we have earlier imagined will be handed to us. It will come, but not always in the same version we had earlier fantasized.

​Okay, let me give you an example. Imagine that you really want to go on a vacation. The planning, counting down the days, daydreaming of the waves and the experience beside the beach all of that is already becoming the peak of your pleasure, and you’re really excited about it. Then you arrive: sun start burning your skin, flight delays, and probably a slightly disappointing breakfast at the hotel. That actual vacation was never as good as the fantasy of the vacation we had earlier imagined in our heads.

​Do we know why? Because reality in itself has texture and friction. The irony of it all is that because it is all in our heads, it will be almost impossible to prepare adequately for everything that comes with it.

A piece of an Art: “He became tired ,angry and irritated at the woman he had once wooed, he is realizing, that he actually never wanted her and everything that came with her, he only wanted the fantasy of her, a fiction not any woman could possibly embody”

Let me tell you the reason it matters to us emotionally: If any of us has accomplished anything and still doesn’t feel accomplished, you really don’t have an issue. You know what? Let’s see the disappointment itself as a structural thing. The house, the wedding, the degree, they were never the main thing. It was the longing for them that was the main thing. “The importance we gave to it, and the journey to accomplishing it” The whole beauty of understanding this better, is so as not to go and look for a cure that does not exist or doesn’t do or improve anything in the grand scheme of things.

​2. The second you get “it,” “it” becomes a new kind of problem.

​Lacan said desire is metonymy; it constantly slides from one object to the next. Once you get the car, you want something else; it doesn’t stop there. In fact, as a result of getting the car, you want something else (the car made you crave something else). Once you are with your partner, you suddenly want them to be different.

​“Attainment doesn’t deliver satisfaction; it delivers the raw material for a new lack.”

​Every one of us, let’s pause and ask ourselves: What was our last accomplishment? What other desire did that last accomplishment bring?

​Surprisingly enough, we will notice that what most of us said would make us happy ten years or five years ago, we have already accomplished.

​3. The fantasy is not a lie; it is a structure that is necessary for all of us.

This is actually important. “It’s not the ‘it’ that we want; it’s the fantasy of it.”

​The fantasy is not an issue because, let’s all think about it, without the fantasy, are we really going to strive? Are we going to keep growing or moving forward? Without fantasy, we would all collapse into apathy.

​The issue now is that most of us are confusing our fantasies with what actually happens in the real world. A perfect example is believing that getting something or accomplishing something solves the whole problem for you.

​Something I think we should all understand: Our fantasies are not bad in themselves. Nothing is wrong with them; in fact, if I were you, I would embrace them even more.

They are just the way our minds sketch how tomorrow might look. Once fantasy is dead, you and I will start living for nothing.

​What we are to do is just to hold them lightly. Let them direct us; they should show us where we are headed.

​4. Living by your wants will never make you happy, so stop measuring life that way.

​Lacan: “Living by our wants will never make us happy.” Not “might not.” Never.

​Our escape route most times: “Well, as long as I am able to accomplish this, I will be okay, filled with happiness forever.”

​I think sometimes we underestimate what money can do; we really do. But in the context of happiness? I really think we define happiness in the wrong way, because the happiness we define are simply moments, and do certain accomplishment gives those joyful moment? Yes they do.

​However, not to worry, as long as you keep serving your wants for as long as you live on earth, you will be fine, only to find out that it was the only thing you and I kept doing because we wanted to feel happy.

Let’s reason it this way: If I am always drinking and taking drugs to forget my sorrows and to always feel good about myself, do I actually feel good about myself, and have my sorrows been forgotten? If not, why does it always need servicing? When the high eventually wears off, the pain will still be there. That will only numb the pain temporarily; it doesn’t in any way cure the root cause.

​The feeling will always be there. You know why? You would have noticed that you accomplish certain things, the hardest thing in the world to do is to keep quiet about it. Trust me when I say this: there is always the itch to show it off.

​Again, the moment you get it and you notice you’re not the only one, and that there are so many other people who have accomplished the same thing, you don’t feel the initial joy you felt when you realized you had accomplished it.

​So, it probably says less about the accomplishment itself.

​5. What actually makes a life significant? Small moments of compassion, rationality, and self-sacrifice.

​“What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals.” Not by desires. By ideals.

• ​Compassion: Noticing the suffering of a stranger and pausing your own busyness to help.
• ​Rationality: Refusing to let fear or rage hijack your mind. Seeking what is true, not what is comforting?
• ​Self-sacrifice: Giving up an hour of sleep to listen to a friend in crisis. Forgoing a purchase to donate to a cause.

​These acts have no “object” they aim to attain. You cannot complete compassion. You can only practice it. And because it is never finished, it never dies.

​6. The only true measure of your life is how you value the lives of others.

​Sincerely, “The only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others.”

​You would have heard that so many times, that it becomes so familiar with it, but there is a reason why despite the fact that we have been living with the philosophy of me and me alone, we still have recorded very high rate of depression.

You know why? Let’s imagine a hall filled with mirrors: that’s how our desires are, looking at ourselves wanting. But compassion is a window. When we act for another person’s sake, we step outside our own lack. In the grand scheme of things, you and I matter not because we eventually got what we wanted, but actually because we gave exactly what was needed to be given.

​Imagine living a life where nothing really comes out of you, where everything is about you, every single thing, never in service, just me and me alone.

​If we are sincere enough: If you were to die tonight, would you rather be remembered for what you acquired or for how you made others feel?

​Lastly, Guys

​We will still want something tomorrow, obviously. We will still chase, achieve, and feel the emptiness of that particular thing that we have achieved. That is absolutely fine. That’s just you and I being human. But now you know: That the emptiness in itself is not a sign of any form of failure on our part. It is simply the fantasy moving out right in front of you and I, having served its purpose.

​Let our desires run their course; let them do their work. But don’t let’ us ever measure our lives by them, never. Let’s measure our lives by the moments when we chose what we value over just comfort.

​We will all go one day, let that sink in. Another generation, by the time we are all gone, will come across this writing and read it. I believe that, in the end, the only lack that matters is the lack of love you and I left behind. Fill that one, and you will probably live a very beautiful life.

Support work on Kofi, https://ko-fi.com/ade519931

You Might Want To Read This. was originally published in The Second Half on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I would be exaggerating if I said all my life, but let’s say at a point in my life, I started believing two major things: one, that “Context is King,” and secondly, that “Formulas Fail Where Context Rules.”

Now, for instance, the “21-day rule” for forming a new habit, which I know most of us would have heard of. It would surprise you, the number of people that record low success trying it. I tried it myself, and it absolutely did not work. Fact been told, building a habit, just like so many other formulas' that we apply, depends entirely on the circumstance, and circumstances differ.

There really is no single formula for everything in life; situations and circumstances differ. At least, so I believe. However, the only issue with this mindset is that if every conflict is entirely unique, that actually means one have to start from scratch every single time.

Nothing really forced me to balance these two concepts until my first serious legal negotiation. Isn’t it somewhat scary knowing that what would possibly come out of your mouth would determine whether someone stays in prison or not? Now summarily, I was to settle a high-stakes dispute on behalf of Mr. X, who had mistakenly taken possession of funds meant for another business and converted them to his own use. First of all, He was facing pressure, there was a debt he couldn’t immediately pay, and if you come to think of it, he was probably looking at prison terms, because the complainant felt completely cheated and wanted to prosecute.

What I Initially Noticed

If we are observe closely enough , we might notice that most of the most Groundbreaking structural policies and even crime units usually succeed when they are built on a better understanding of human nature and data. It really doesn’t matter, whether one is dealing with a divorce, or probably, let’s say a business disputes, or contracts at the very least, the rules of human nature don’t change. Contrary to what I thought , that to get what I wanted ,I had to be the aggressive person in the room: In reality, you just have to understand how the human mind works under pressure.

Yet, most times when we are under pressure to settle an argument sometimes, we want try strategies that we have practiced, or something that looks classier. I remember when I started learning to play chess, and not too long I was to go compete in a competition, my coach after seeing me memorizing all sort of early winning traps, just told me “When you get their just forces on not committing any mistake” I did realize that most importantly perfectly navigating scenarios like that didn’t need me to be classier, but simply focusing on being consistently not stupid. Its real life, and I was dealing with people, any mistake I make out of my ego, might land someone in real trouble, no matter how brilliant my previous moves were.

1. Nothing like “Right vs. Wrong”

Unconsciously, when we face conflict, we always just want to try to prove who is right and who is wrong. But life is not like the courtroom television shows where a lawyer says a perfect line to scare off the other party. In life situations are unpredictable and so are people, and it is almost impossible to anticipate all scenarios, if you know what I mean, even if the law is completely on your side.

It very normal that when you tell someone that they are wrong, they naturally become defensive and shoot back. If anyone knows that they will be immediately attacked, yelled at, or judged for what they think, you would expect that they would not be honest anymore. Now, instead of telling you the truth, they would not tell you what their thinking.

If I was to have gone there, and am forcing a choice of “I am right and you are wrong,” They would have not been honest with me, if they have been from the onset; And this just because everyone is expected to play a part to protect themselves,

One cannot really negotiate “right or wrong” because the other side genuinely believes they are right too. You have to be sincere about what you want out of any negotiation: do you want to be right, or are you after what benefits you?

Something as little as separating what someone does from their intention goes a long way. Yes I know he did this (The Action) but it was never meant to hurt you (Intention). For instance, instead of saying, “You snitched on me so I would fall,” change it to, “You told Ayo those things; it was something I confided in you with, and you knew that actually hurt me a lot, right?”

2. Understand People and Lead Accordingly

As Humans, we would always buy into emotions, not logic. In fact, trust me when I say most times emotions beat logic any time of the day. When trying to pass a message, it is better off hitting the emotional nerves; situations like having to settle normally trigger fear, anxiety, anger, and hurt. That man in question wasn’t just looking into numbers; he felt he was betrayed by Mr. X, and he was afraid of losing is business proposal

In fact, we would usually see this play out very well in sales. Look at when the iPhone 17 came out; I observed a massive surge in people standing in lines, persistently demanding that specific orange color. The design was so unique, and that specific color was so perfectly tailored to it, that it stood out instantly. Most people at the time were just chasing the feeling of exclusivity. They were actually buying the emotion.

Let me make reference to the “Wittgenstein’s Ruler”: Imagine you use a ruler to measure a table, but you don’t realize the ruler is bent. Normally, the measurement would not tell you the real size, the only thing it will showing is drawing your mind back to the damage in that ruler.

And it just the same thing with:

• The Angry Person: If the person am dealing with is right in front of me screaming and losing their temper in a negotiation, that doesn’t mean the case is impossible to settle. In fact they just gave me a hint of something that they really care about, Now just like the ruler, The anger is not the measurement of the problem; it is just a measurement of how scared and hurt that person feel deep down.

That why emotion result to choices like

Fight: Talking too much, screaming, threatening, and escalating the case.

• Overwhelmed: Giving up and signing a terrible deal just to make the pain stop.
• Avoidance: Ignoring the problem and refusing to protect your own interests.

3. “Tactical Empathy”

Tactical empathy doesn’t mean being nice; it means taking note of the other side’s perspective, especially the parts you don’t like, and describing it back to them calmly. Even bank robbers operate on the rules of human nature, and the moment a person feels completely heard, their defenses drop.

I wanted Mr. X’s immediate family to be involved because seeing him just as a ‘thief’ made it easy for the complainant to demand an impossible lump-sum payment. I needed to push words into him, where I did say, “I am sure you have issued things like this and you just resolve them, but I am sure you hated how defensive and unapologetic he is becoming that even the more reason you’re annoyed.”

And come to think of it , I actually noticed, this was backed by psychology, It called :

the Cunningham’s Law, which states that the fastest way to get a correct answer on the internet is not to ask a question, but to deliberately post a statement that is wrong, because our ego as humans almost will not be able to resist the urge to correct it.

By using tactical empathy to explain the complainant’s grievances back to him, even slightly overstating what is making him angry, I had already given him an opening where he felt that I understood him, that alone reduced his need to aggressively fight us. Just by sitting there with Mr. x family present, the complainant’s focus just went from wanting revenge to actually being willing to have a conversation about how Mr. X could pay the money back over time.

Service Year

When I come to think of it now, I remember I was addressing an audience during my service years as a Corps member, explaining my experiences with practice and how simple interactions can lower a person’s guard. There is no one who is entirely heartless. Yes, you heard me, Now, I am a lover of history and no one can preach to me the extend at which humans’ heart can be evil, but in reality, and in my opinion, if someone is actually capable of seeing their children and mother and choose to protect them, there is still a human being in there, (Am not talking about people with real mental illness now, or mentally broken) It might just be our duty to bring it out, if it worth it.

Before we negotiate, let’s try to put ourselves in their shoes. What pressures are they under? What risks are they facing? If we are deliberate about stepping into their shoes and understand where they are coming from, we might just be able to make an agreement that get us what we want while addressing the fears causing them to want to fight in the first instance.

• I focused on the long-term gain and the bigger picture, instead of just reacting to the pain this is causing us now
• I knew that pushing the matter to legal action would ensure they could never work together or remain friends again, and it would have made Mr. X to lose all the sacrifices he made to grow the business.

4. Use Names

It is much easier to be part of a scheme that ruins people’s lives if we are not directly involved. It is very easy to curse people that are criminals if we only heard of their names in the news. But somehow, when people see these people in court, suddenly there is a mix of hatred because of what they did and pity for them, because you are obviously seeing how sober they are.

There are concepts that suggest that when one is in a violent situation, just by saying something like, “I’m Jesufunmi,” and extending a hand, it changes things. In hostage situations, forcing a captor to use a hostage’s actual name drastically reduces the likelihood of violence.

It is undeniable that we actually find it very easy to hate, sue, and destroy a faceless, nameless person. The moment a person is suddenly seen as a fellow human being like us, we might slow down any form of aggressive momentum. We shouldn’t necessarily let ourselves just remain “The Plaintiff” or “The Defendant” in the other party’s mind; we should allow them to see the human being behind that case.

Always remember: Appeal to emotions. I am coming to notice in life that usually, we don’t readily compete with others; we are actually playing with others to win the much bigger game.

My First Negotiation As A Lawyer was originally published in The Second Half on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

You Were Something Long Before Anyone Else Knew You.

I recently came across a video online, and I decided to write about it. I saw the video online not too long ago, where a woman turned to a financial coach after a session with an audience, I guess, saying and crying, “I am going to be somebody one day.” And the man responded to her while consoling her, “You are already something. I was something long before anyone else knew who I was.”

What made me ruminate a little bit more on this was simply because we are in a world whose system intravenously convinces us of the opposite. Most videos we watch, posts we scroll through, have the power to aid the idea that wealth is the only worthy revenge in life, and that our value can only be validated by our external accomplishments alone.

Robert Greene put it so well when he said that being famous did not make him any wiser. He added that he has been given the same advice that he has always given to people, even before he became famous.

The whole concept is simple, and it is simply a form of deception we are all growing into. I am not in any way undermining the struggle of self-accomplishment or the ways our self-accomplishment can change our lives; no, I am not. All I am saying is that we are so likely to lose ourselves, believing that the self we possess is insufficient unless validated, celebrated, or seen.

I Wish I had That

One main issue i think we should look at, is the fact that it very easy to get so familiar with something, it almost does not mean anything to us any longer, for instance, it much easier to see another persons accomplishment, and we be like “Oh see what this person can achieve at this age and within that time, that the only thing we see, that we totally overlook anything we have accomplished or achieving. Imagine this: all your accomplishments in life were to be shown on a big screen. What would you think others would say? No one can perfect everything all around; everything is in bits, certain accomplishments make you jealous of another, and to the other person, an accomplishment of yours can also motivate them elsewhere

Self-Confidence vs. External Validation

A Quick Question?

What is the true difference between a man who wakes up this morning to all of a sudden find tens of thousands of dollars in his bank account, and one who does not?

At first, everything about their reality seems fundamentally different. One has enough money to make choices, one is dealing with hardship, one is praised, and one is overlooked, right?

Well, let’s look at it this way: you will not feel less than if you know you are enough. Not pretend to know, not know enough to show off and secretively count your likes…but truly KNOW you are enough in your soul.

If we are honest enough, our inner confidence or self-worth can’t really be challenged by money or fame found outside of ourselves. We don’t have true feelings of self-doubt or envy because of things actually lacking within ourselves, but only because of what we have also been led to believe is lacking. The struggle of extreme low self-esteem as a result of lack will kill some people faster than lack itself; that’s why the urgent need to prove one’s worth after accomplishing something usually surfaces in scenarios like this.

The Extreme Need to Be Seen (But Dangerous)

I will not pretend that certain accomplishments in life would not elevate your confidence. It will. You are always comparing; it is in our nature to want to feel we have achieved something, and walking into any room wearing a nice watch, nice shoes, and driving a nice car will certainly have an impact on your posture and ego. I am not going to discredit it.

But do you understand what that looks like when you are self-identified? What does it feel like when you have absolutely no external validation or need for external control to make you feel complete? In my opinion, I do feel that it is rare, but most importantly, it is valuable.

A person who knows their own worth understands they’re enough just as they are. They don’t get thrown off balance by not having a lot or having attained a high position, because they don’t see those things as defining who and what they are. What they might “lack” in terms of material things doesn’t weigh them down emotionally.

On the contrary, though, we have another person, as more than enough, but without self-worth, a domain like that would always battle worries, like losing what they have, comparing themselves to others, or finding purpose. Logically, the reason why we might glory in certain accomplishments is that compared to everything around, it is scarce. How would you feel if you saw a result of yours and you had an A? Happy, of course, but how would you feel if everyone in that class got an A? All of a sudden, you feel the A isn’t worth it. A person like this weighs what he has and compares it constantly, and suddenly feels small if there is nothing to show off. All their possessions can’t seem to fix the feeling of “not enough,” so even though they have more, they often end up feeling even worse about themselves.

Your Environment Will Try to Steal It from You

Something you might have noticed: we are not going to find value in an environment that does not grow, and a lot of the environments we find ourselves in today are environments that aid comparison, highlight reels, and an insatiable desire for more, more, more -are specifically designed to deplete our confidence.

Walk into a room where the man standing in front of you has achieved more, acquired more, and if you let your guard down, a voice will tell you, “You do not belong here; you have not accomplished enough. You are not enough.”

But this voice is not your voice; it is the voice of your environment and their desire to profit from your doubt, yes, to profit from it. Do not allow your environment to steal your self-worth and self-esteem, because it is only in recognizing yourself as worthy that you can do so many things that you would have otherwise passed by. If you wait for the world to tell you that you are ready, you will be waiting until the end of -well, only God knows. Act like it; you own the space.

OLD AGE AND THE SPEED OF TIME

You get old, and the system that celebrates our productivity would at one point start telling us, “You are useless to us.” All of us will eventually grow weaker.

It is then that we would reexamine what we have been up to all these years: if we were working for others, for their approval, or for a genuine purpose; whether we have spent all the years chasing substances. I wouldn’t know if we have noticed, but the years speed up like a blink. The main reason for it is not even because time has changed, but because we are so overwhelmed by life’s distractions, kept occupied with our pursuits, that we can barely keep track of how old we are. So, let’s sit down, ruminate, and reflect on our own lives, because the dignity we offer ourselves would be seen on your physical body, in our personality, in the way we communicate and compose ourselves. If you in any way consider yourself to be worthless and make yourself smaller to fit into a system that does not value you, how could you expect anyone else to trust and respect you?

Final Word

Don’t let our surroundings dictate to you how to live, because we all are somebody regardless of our achievements or who knows our name; it’s the mere fact that we all exist as humans. We have voices; we possess a value beyond what we have in our accounts, beyond any form of rejection. Society would try to convince us that we are incomplete until we buy or prove ourselves, but you can walk into any room as if you owned the place, not necessarily with arrogance, but because you are aware of the person you are and what you have within you long before you ever gained recognition, and you would still be that same somebody long after your name has been forgotten.

How Does Social Media Profit Off Low Self-Esteem? was originally published in ProductivitySpot on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

There Are No Bad Emotions. Emotions Are Just Signals.

There is a Yoruba proverb which says, “Ìkòkò tó ń tàfàfà, ẹyìn rẹ̀ ní yóò fọ́.” Meaning: the pot that boils over will eventually have its bottom broken. My guess is that it is most useful when we want to caution anyone against pride. It is usually presented as a lesson in restraint (usually a brutal one). However, I so much love the analogy of a pot here because we can infer so many other ideas from it alone; for instance, the pot was made to cook. The fire is not the enemy of the pot. The pot in itself, without the heat, is an empty, clay shell that serves no purpose. What actually ruins the pot is not the boiling, but the boil-over that arises from the extreme heat.

The key word here is ‘balance.’ Our emotions are quite similar. Feeling hot is actually part of the process of putting the pot to good use. Metaphorically, the question is not whether we would boil; rather, it should be if we could actually learn to hold our heat.

Don’t Call Your Emotions “Bad”

Let me say it as plainly as possible: Anger is not bad. Jealousy is not bad. Fear is not bad. Shame is not bad. NONE of them. These emotions of ours termed “negative” are not bad emotions; they serve as signals for us, just like the warning lights on a car dashboard.

When we see those tiny lights, our natural response is not to hit the dashboard with our fist. We also do not condemn that the light even existed. Instead of removing all signals to feel so comfortable and not having to worry why we drive when we see it, we are meant to actually ask: “What is the light trying to tell us?” Anger should send the signal: “A boundary has been crossed; it’s time to protect ourselves.” Jealousy should send the signal: “This other person has something I truly desire, so let me start working towards mine or something better.” Anxiety sends the signal: “This event means something to me, and I wouldn’t like it if it goes in a way I don’t want or find desirable, so I need to prepare.”

Contrary to what we might have been hearing most times, trust me when I say it is a big mistake to think that our health and well-being is about getting rid of those emotions. We are not meant to kill signals.

Should we then let them take over us?

Hmm, actually there is another way to think about it.

Better still, let’s think of it this way:

Let’s imagine we are seeing a picture of a river in our heads. A picture of one that moves gently, then another that roars like a torrent raging swollen water.

With both scenarios, now, suppose you decided to build a dam across that river because you fear flooding. Then what happens? The water would not disappear. The water is still there; it is only behind the dam, and as time goes on, it becomes higher, heavier, and under immense pressure. Eventually, the dam bursts. And the flood that happens as a result of that is even ten times worse than anything the river would ever have done on its own. That dam is what I would refer to as “denial.”

It is normal to feel that if we were good people, why should we be angry, why jealous? But let’s imagine if they were actually not there at all. The issue about that is that the freedom you have given yourself to imagine might only restrain your thoughts to the terrible things we have done as a result of our negative emotions.

Actually, by the time we start telling ourselves that, then you say to yourself, “All these are bad, so I must bury it deep within,” you have just constructed a dam. The emotion has not stopped existing. It has only gathered with a thousand pounds of pressure this time, behind your dam. The problem is that when it waits like that, sooner or later, over a simple, seemingly insignificant comment, or just a minor trigger, you will shout at a person who did not deserve it. You will sob in a meeting. You will utter words you will later regret deeply. Hmm, that is exactly when the pot has boiled over.

Alternatively, instead of building a dam, why not dig a canal? It is like killing two birds with one stone: we are allowing the water to flow, at the same time guiding its current. We channel some of the water to our fields to grow crops, just like that, our anger has just been transformed into being assertive and a form of protection for us. We channel some of it for other purposes, and our jealousy has just become a trigger for ambition and motivation. Now, if we remember, the river did not stop running, and the heat under the pot is still high; the only thing we did was give it direction instead of imprisoning it. There will be no flooding, no cracked dam, and no broken pot. That is called emotional balance.

Why “Getting Rid of Emotions” is a Trap

In my opinion, we have been asking the wrong question: “How can I stop feeling this way?” Nah, nah. Stop. The correct question is: “What is this feeling trying to tell me-like, what is the feeling signaling, and how do I act on it without actually exploding?” We cannot eliminate, or better still, get rid of our emotions. They have nowhere else to go and will always find an escape route. That eventually results in us being passive-aggressive, or having chronic headaches, or sudden temper tantrums about nothing in particular.

A practical example, for instance: Anger might come because I was disrespected. Instead of yelling at them (boiling over), pause. Usually, when you understand something so well, you are also able to master it: “I feel angry right now because I perceive a lack of respect, and I need to state that clearly while setting a boundary.” Anger has just become my own backbone. Jealousy might come up when a friend achieves what you have wanted for so long. Instead of hating on them, or secretly criticizing them (boiling over), sit with the emotion and ask yourself: “What is it about this person’s success that reveals what I truly desire in life?” With that, that same jealousy suddenly becomes your roadmap. Anxiety before a big presentation can send you into panic mode (boiling over), but instead, tell yourself: “This anxiety shows me how much I care, and now I’ll channel this energy into preparation.”

Really, come to think of it, there is no such thing as a bad emotion. There are only bad boil-overs, like that pot. There is no bad river; there is only a bad dam.

The image of the pot

Back to our Yoruba pot, one last time. That pot sits on the fire every single day. It sits on the same heat. It knows its own limits, the rim of the pot and keeps its lid steady. With that steady heat, it will just flow gently and the food cooks perfectly. After the meal is over, the pot is intact. Bottom still strong. Ready for the next fire. And the next. And the next.

My life and yours are just like this. Let’s feel the anger. Let’s feel the jealousy. Feel our fear. Feel our shame. We do not have to suppress it or push it away. Dig your canals, not build dams. Let the river flow; guide it. Aim it. Utilize it.

Conclusion

You see, next time you feel the fire building in your chest, you do not have to rebuke yourself as being a terrible person. Do not try to get rid of it. Instead, speak: “There’s my fire; now, where will I direct it?” We are all humans, after all. You and I don’t have to be ashamed of the emotions within our hearts. Instead , let’s just remember that it is like our map. Now, where are we to walk?

Why Is Everyone Afraid Of Boiling. was originally published in Long. Sweet. Valuable. on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The priest was so curious to see that poem that was forbidden in all of the kingdom. All of a sudden, the bishop shouted, “Do not open it, Darkness. Once seen, it cannot be unseen.”

The story, in its literal sense talks about the truth:

Words do not need magic to act like a plague. They only need to be well delivered enough to be passed to their recipient. “Once seen, it cannot be unseen.” That is the power we are talking about.

Well, you could see by now why a bishop would call a poem “Darkness.”

As Common as a Word

“I don’t know where and when we started having the assumption that to be able to move anyone with words, you need a fancy vocabulary.”

Really? The most influential speeches ever given Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address- were through the simple use of words. “The type of influence we would have when it comes to words does not come from using words that sound smart; instead, it simply comes from using words that feel true or resonate with the person hearing them.”

Just try insulting someone in a language they do not understand. They will feel nothing. Now say something in their mother tongue, and it sparks a reaction. The weapon in itself is not the word but the understanding. The very use of words has aided hatred, aided love, changed people’s lives, destroyed people and relationships. Wars have started because words were used to fuel the emotional nerves of a people already ready to feel attacked.

That is what Darkness did. It gave a name to what everyone already felt. And once named, that feeling became real. Contagious. Unstoppable.

“While we might have read many works pertaining to communication, negotiation, and argument, we are not looking at another system to aid effective communication. We are looking at the why so that the means will be effective. Instead, it will play with instances where small effort has played the vital role in big change.”

The Psychology of Suggesting

Have you ever walked past a place a hundred times, and you just never noticed anything, until someone says, “There used to be a tree there”? Suddenly you see the absence. That gap left becomes obvious all of a sudden. And you would usually be like, “Yeah, that’s true, something used to be here.” What actually happened there was a particular suggestion that was rewiring your perception.

It is something often seen in the corporate world. Most companies will sue and go all in to protect their name because they fully understand that a false rumor about contamination does not need to be believed immediately; it only needs to be heard. Because once heard, customers start noticing things they had earlier ignored. Parents start noticing things they ignored before- now seen as evidence. The rumor was not a direct hit. The rumor did not form customers’ observation for them; it only created the framework for suspicion. How does it work? Once you can predict someone’s behavior and patterns, you can ultimately influence anyone’s perception of them. It is like knowing how a friend so much cherishes solitude, and suggesting how secretive and cold he or she is.

The Indirect Path to the Soul

To make you want to revisit a habit or behavior, I often do not need to address you directly. I would simply describe someone else and associate it with your insecurities.

To a grownup who keeps doing something a child does all the time but feels offended when still being called a child, talking to another person I could say while on my phone, “Like, could you believe how children behave nowadays? Just reading this about someone that deliberately farted on a child’s face in a public plane. Really, children nowadays and their habits.”

Note: no direct accusation. I never pointed at you. I never accused you. But I did place a mirror in the room and just allowed you to walk toward it yourself. The same reason some might give up on a useless pursuit is not necessarily because someone just told them what to do and they started doing it. Instead, it could be a message in a video, movie, or book that described a man who had lost his reason for fighting and living, and in it, they recognized themselves.

The Emotional Nerve

There was a particular case I recall involving a traffic accident. Two parties were involved: an unlicensed driver who negligently caused the accident and the other victim, from which a victim was threatening legal action. While it was settled, I immediately suggested in anticipation that upon the other parties learning of an already settled deal, they might also exploit the situation. Anyone could have said:

“You know how wicked it is? To see someone already down, already troubled because of an unseen expense, and they use the situation to squeeze more. Would I keep paying for my mistakes? They knew I had exhausted everything in me. And they exploit me. Isn’t that wickedness?”

The words touched the emotional nerves of everyone listening, fear, shame, anger, without accusing or confronting anyone. Within an hour, the other party agreed to a fair settlement. Not because they were forced. Now, because they had been shown a version of themselves, they did not want to become, and it had been shown clearly, none decided to go ahead even after knowing what they stood to lose.

Words that impact do not argue. They are meant to illuminate. We tend to change when we see ourselves clearly, not when we are told to.

The Flattery of Intelligence

We underestimate compliments. Yes, we underestimate their effect. They are so powerful if used powerfully and constructively. Everyone wants to look intelligent. We underestimate how much a properly constructed compliment can shift a relationship. Not flattery. A specific, earned compliment.

When done properly, suddenly that person is listening to you more carefully. They want to be around you. Your words and disposition, especially with a first impression, matter. They last with anyone longer than your colognes will ever do, and the reason is simple: because while doing that, you have touched something much deeper-the feeling.

So easy, even for those that are learning to communicate effectively. You could always influence a scenario where you would have something to say or thought hard about something to say. For instance, a sudden tired gesture will make almost anyone you’re with at the time ask if you’re okay, or a sudden laughter after observing something with them will spark curiosity in them, wanting to know why you are laughing. It is like directing a conversation exactly where you want, and suddenly you’re in control because you’re already threading a territory in which you have prepared for.

Remember: you never get a second chance to leave a first impression.

The Power of Words was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

What the Probability an Average Person Would Be Deceived Once in A Life Time

Just For a second let’s take our minds back for a moment, from the moment we are born we’re given a story, which we have been following for a long time. Parents, teachers, and society tell us we’re unique, special, one in a million. It could have been how much we were praised for something that we did , probably ,and our first attempts at performing ,the whole idea is that each attempt of ours was portrayed to us better as though we had achieved something almost rare. It just like been We’re wrapped up in the whole idea that we are exceptional, and it’s comforting. It feels safe. To understand the whole point of the message here we all have to first of all drop the illusion that we are special, because you and I are not

And I say this with kindness, because it’s really good news.

There Is That Dark Side To Modern Ambition

Firstly, the system around us is designed that from the very onset, the idea of being special was never about any of us doing our personal best to achieve teh best outcome possible. It as always been about weighing our achievement,and comparing it. Growing uo in my primay school as a liitle child, by the time any of us were to fail a test or an exam, our teacher would draw a big zero with a crying face with big ears on the paper, and the whole class starts singing “olodo, olodo” meaning dumb, dumb. Very funny experiences as little chilren, but while we all all laugh it of while growing older, and did ruminate more on what impact those little things did on us. As someoen who didnt do well ,that sound follows you home. It follows you into your sleep. Why it worked in the sense of forming motivation to avoid embarrasment, we were all been feed indirectly the idea that our worth is on top of someone else’s failure.

If you scored 40 and the person beside you scored 20, you feel like a king. But if you scored 70 and the person beside you scored 90, you feel like nothing. The standard keeps moving depending on who is around you. who anyone really ask , “Did you understand the topic better than yesterday?” No. you would often hear something like , “Look at what Adeola did. Why can’t you be like her?” just like that ,it a competition all over again, and the finish line keeps changing. And the worst part? Even when you win, it wouldnt not just feel like enough, because tomorrow there will be another test, another score, another child ,probably in a new school ,who might sing “olodo” at you if you slip.

That is how the concept of specialness gets rigged from the start. It is not really about becoming a better human. It just about proving you are not the one with the big ears drawn on your paper. And that kind of specialness? It is hollow. It feeds on comparison, not growth. So many of us grow up anxious, always looking sideways to see who is ahead and who is behind, never looking inside and asking ourselves if we are learning and becoming better, That is the issue. And that is what I mean when I say the whole system ties your worth to measuring against another person’s achievement, not against any real standard of your own.

Achievements And Deities

Secondly, You see the whole special thing is becoming more rampant naturally, especially as our world evolves. For most of history, who you were was tied to everyone else around you. You were your father’s son, the village’s metalworker, or a tribe’s hunter. There was what made you and on the other hand , there is the question, His your job in keeping everyone alive?

In fact, the idea that we’re all meant for something big leads to another problem: the constant need to prove we are special. If we think of ourselves as the main characters in everyone's story , then by default ,we would expect that our lives is exciting, that we are having huge victories, and that we would have more lasting impact. Looking back, we see a major shift in how we think, one that’s put pressure on us, that we weren’t prepared to handle.

Years past, when people did amazing things, it wasn’t seen as their doing alone. People thought a higher power was working through them. They were just tools or channels for something greater. This idea, despite its problems, did offer some comfort.

Examples like, Joan of Arc didn’t say she was a military genius. She said she was a simple girl who heard saints telling her how to go about battles. Michelangelo didn’t just paint the Sistine Chapel; he felt he was showing God’s greatness, using his hands to do divine work. Even Isaac Newton, who figured out the laws of physics, spent more time studying religion and alchemy, believing his discoveries gave him a peek into God’s mind. These brilliant, heroic, and saintly figures didn’t view their achievements as Soley their accomplishment, but instruments for something bigger. Their specialness came from a higher source.

But things have changed dramatically. With the Enlightenment, the Scientific Revolution, and religion becoming less central, we didn’t just limit the impact we though religion had; we replaced it with ourselves. We went from being instruments to being creators. Now, you’re not part of a divine story; you’re writing your own. We suddenly became the masters of our fate, the beginning and end of our own stories.

This might actually sound freeing, and in some ways, it is. But there’s a scary side to it: if you’re completely in charge of your life, then every failure, every moment that seems average, every ordinary day isn’t just a normal part of life. It’s your fault. It means you didn’t write a good enough story. That’s what fuels our anxiety. When your whole sense of worth depends on living an amazing life, the pressure is enormous. Burnout isn’t just from working too hard; it’s from trying to be a god and keep your own world going.

I mean, this quite evident everywhere. The billionaire isn’t lucky; he’s a visionary who forced reality to bend to his will. The successful influencer didn’t just catch a trend; they created their brand through sheer willpower. It’s all about personal power and self-creation. But the unspoken message for everyone else is: if you’re not rich enough or famous, you just didn’t want it enough. You didn’t believe in yourself. You failed to control your destiny.

This is the painful irony of our modern belief that you are special. First, it makes us feel alone in our struggles, like our pain is unique. Then, it leaves us to deal with our potential, making us think we have to succeed alone and that any lack of progress is a personal failure. We took the wonder that used to be directed at the heavens and turned it inward, expecting ourselves to create a light as bright as the sun.

The solution is to realize two things. First, you’re not special in your suffering, you’re connected to others. Second, you don’t have to be the driving force in your own story. You can let go of the impossible task of being your own god. You can be human, imperfect, limited, and wonderfully ordinary. More beautifully, your achievements can be seen not as proof of your individual brilliance but as your unique contribution to humanity, using the skills, opportunities, and support you’ve been given. In that act of working together and being humble, you might find a purpose that finally feels real.

Lastly, this idea of being special does the most damage when we’re struggling. That’s when our ego fights the hardest. It tells us, you don’t get it… my pain is different. My worries are bigger. My sadness is deeper than anyone else’s. I’ve been there, and I see it in others, this belief that what we’re going through is too unique for normal solutions to work.

Let’s ruminate on it for a moment. Think about how many people there are in the world. Right now, as you’re reading this, there are over 8 billion people on the planet. That means thousands are feeling the same heartache as you. Thousands are lying awake worrying about their jobs, or how to pay bills, or dreading a difficult talk they need to have. This isn’t to make your pain seem small, but to help you see it in a way that can help. Therapies like CBT and DBT are so helpful because they show us that our bad ways of thinking aren’t unique. They can be predicted and sorted, just like a cold. When we’re suffering, our brain isn’t making a new song; it’s playing the same old sad hits that everyone knows. When we insist that our pain is special, we’re not protecting ourselves; we’re closing the door on the help and understanding that could make things better. We’re building a pretty prison for ourselves and then saying no one has the key.

If that doesn’t convince you, think about the one thing that everyone has in common: death. This fact takes away all pretenses. The body you live in, that you take care of, thinking it’s so special, is just temporary. It’s a machine that, sooner or later, will stop working. Every year, over 55 million of these machines shut down. They stop because of sickness, accidents, or just time. It happens to everyone, no matter if they’re smart or dumb, famous or unknown, kind or mean. The universe doesn’t care. Our planet, which is 4.5 billion years old, will keep going around a normal star, not even noticing that you’re here or gone.

I know it sounds depressing. But I think it’s the opposite. It’s not about being sad; it’s about being real. To think you can escape the one thing that happens to everyone is just arrogant. Accepting this is the first step to really appreciating how amazing it is to be alive at all.

So, if we’re not special, what does it all mean? That’s where things get interesting. When you finally let go of needing to be extraordinary, you get the freedom to be ordinary. You are set free. The pressure to be a star, a genius, someone who changes the world, goes away, and you’re left with what matters: other people.

The moment you understand that your pain is the same pain that millions have felt before, you’re not alone anymore. Your sadness connects you to everyone who has ever loved and lost. Your worry connects you to all humans who are trying to understand a confusing world. What matters isn’t that you’re a unique, perfect gem, but that you’re a small part of the big, messy, beautiful story of human life. Your life matters not because you were special, but because you were here. Because you were part of everything. The kindness you showed, the love you gave, the small things you did that made a difference to those around you, that’s what you leave behind. It’s not a solo story; it’s your part in the never-ending poem of all of us. And in that shared story, there’s a purpose and a connection that feels, strangely, truly special.

We humans aren’t so different. We also have to make tough choices to protect ourselves and our true selves. We might have to kill off parts of ourselves to keep our sanity- not to pass on genes, but to stay true to who we are. These parts aren’t our actual kids, but they are the versions of ourselves we’ve built up and nurtured over time.

Let us just think of it like this: When we’re born, we’re like a block of clay. As we grow, we start shaping it to make something, bit by bit. Each choice, relationship, and belief is like a tool we use to mold it. After years, we end up with this thing called “our identity.” This is me, we say. We might even be proud of it, showing it off to everyone.

My circumstances, even though different, had something I had nurtured that eventually needed to be killed. I made myself into the person who tries to fix everything. My whole identity was based on other people’s feelings. I felt good when I made other people feel better. If someone was upset, I’d jump in to smooth things over. It was a very good thing to do, but at the detriment of what? Being someone people could rely on? But I didn’t understand that every time I fixed someone else, I was losing a piece of myself. Trying to hold everyone together was exhausting. Letting go of that role felt like failing. But it wasn’t. It was the only way to save myself. Maybe it was the sole reason I decided to pursue a career in law .

That’s the part we all have to face: realizing we have to take a sledgehammer to the things we’ve created. Usually, it happens when our identity starts to trap us.

The Self Concept
Our identity is more than just an idea. It’s how we understand ourselves and the world. It’s the story we tell ourselves to make sense of everything. Psychologists call it the self-concept, and it’s important for our brains to function well. It gives us a sense of stability and consistency. We want to believe what we already think about ourselves, even if it’s not great, just because we feel accustomed to it and it feels familiar.

But here’s the real issue. We change. The world changes. What once kept us stable can start to hold us back. The very person who puts everything into helping others becomes drained and resentful. The Overachiever burns out. That firm identity of ours can’t keep up with our changing inner selves.

We’re pressured to be perfect all the time, to always be positive. Some researchers say it’s creating a perfectionism epidemic. Studies show that being obsessed with perfection has gotten worse and is linked to more mental health problems.

“The truth is, the stress of being perfect is killing us more than our imperfections ever could.” Perfection itself is impossible. Trying to reach it makes us feel stressed. What is perfection in itself? Even each of our ideas about what perfection actually means is in itself imperfect. We end up in a constant state of stress because we tell ourselves “I should be perfect,” but then we mess up. This stress messes with our bodies, leading to anxiety, depression, and even physical problems. The perfect self isn’t a safe space; it’s a prison built from our fears, and it’s suffocating us.

Breaking and Rebuilding: How Our Brains Change
Our brains love habits. They’re not wired for big changes. That’s why it’s so hard to just stop being something. Habits are stored deep in our brains, in a place called the basal ganglia. It works on a loop: cue, routine, reward. Once that loop is set, it runs automatically without us even thinking about it.

If you just take away the habit (the routine), the brain still wants the reward. That creates a void, and our brains hate feeling empty. So, it will try to fill that void, usually with the old habit or something just as bad. Studies show that trying to change with just willpower fails almost every time.

The key is to replace, not just remove. You can’t just leave a hole; you have to fill it with something new. The sledgehammer is deciding to change. The chisel is actively rebuilding, replacing the old habit with a new one.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Find the Loop: Take apart your old identity. What’s the trigger (cue)? (Like someone asking for help). What’s the automatic response (routine)? (Saying yes without thinking). What do you get out of it (reward)? (Feeling valuable and avoiding conflict).
2. Create a Replacement: Focus on the routine and create a new one that gives you a similar, but healthier, reward. The new routine needs to be specific and something you can actually do.
3. Start Rebuilding: Practice the new loop on purpose. (Cue: Someone asks for help. New Routine: Let me think about that. Reward: Respecting yourself and having more energy).

You’re not just destroying the old identity; you’re using the old parts to build The Person with Boundaries. You’re not getting rid of The Perfectionist; you’re turning them into The Person Who Strives for Excellence, who knows when to stop. It’s not about destroying yourself; it’s about retraining your brain. You’re creating new pathways until they become your brain’s new favorite way to do things.

The Choice We Can’t Avoid: What Will You Give Up?
“There are no choices without crosses. The only freedom is in choosing which burden will make you stronger.”
We have to face the fact that every choice has a consequence. The idea that we can have it all is wrong. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else. It’s like opportunity cost in economics: it’s what you give up when you choose something else.

Everyone is not the same; our combination of experiences is so unique that it differentiates us. We are all trading what we think is okay for us for another thing. Most importantly, we are always trading one thing for another, but what we deem an acceptable trade is deeply personal to us.
I once counseled a young man who was a millionaire straight out of college, yet his success was costing him his relationship. His girlfriend needed more of his time, and he was on the verge of leaving her. He initially asked for advice from a mentor of his, who asked “Which is more easily replaceable, the girl or the business?”
When he came to me, I took a different tack. I asked, “What is your true priority?” I’ve seen countless individuals who, despite their material success, are plunged into misery after a breakup because their partner was their primary source of motivation. I said “you cannot give a 100% to everything, and you cannot compare your life to anyone else; our priorities and yearning differ. Don’t let environment and social media define your priorities for you. I have seen people who don’t give a dime about what you have achieved financially, some for whom connection is the core of a meaningful life.
You’re one of a kind. Seriously, nobody else has the exact mix of experiences you’ve gone through, the things you care about, and what gets you going. Because of that, there’s no single right way to do things that works for everyone. What works for your best friend might drain you.
Life is basically one big balancing act. You’re always giving up one thing to get something else. Think about it: spending more time at work probably means less time with family. Or maybe you choose a job you love even though it doesn’t pay as much. It’s all about what you’re willing to trade.
The main issue here is this: We tend to listen to advice from people who want totally different things out of life. I once received advice to act fast in any decision, to be quick and even if it is a mistake, make it quickly. Another person also advised me to take my time before making any decision, to analyze properly before taking any decision. Neither one is wrong, but their advice is based on what has worked for them and not necessarily what will work for you. Don’t get me wrong, we can learn from others, but it is from what we have learnt that we also understand not only what we want, but how we could accomplish it. I know myself well, so I understand which situations require me to act fast, and which require me to take my time.

Understand yourself before you make any decisions. Any choice you make based on that understanding is a smart one, even if it’s hard. It might even hurt, but it makes sense for you. It’s a choice that fits who you are, and nobody else gets to judge it. The idea is that making good decisions isn’t about picking the best option, but about picking what’s right for you. If a choice matches your values, then it’s a solid choice, no matter what anyone else thinks. The unhappiness you’re feeling after that accomplishment might just come from ignoring your own values to chase someone else’s idea of success.

The Child to Kill
Your brain has limited resources. Every bit of energy you use to keep up a fake identity is energy you’re not using to take care of yourself, your relationships, or your passions.
So, you have to choose what’s worth sacrificing. Here’s the bottom line:
If you give up being a People-Pleaser, you might upset people sometimes. But you’ll save your time and energy for what matters to you.
If you give up being a Perfectionist, you might be average sometimes or get some criticism. But you’ll be healthier, more productive (because perfectionism makes you freeze up), and able to actually finish things.
Choose not to give up anything, and you’re choosing to stay stuck: burned out, resentful, and living a life that isn’t really yours.
The most important thing is to give your absolute best to what you choose.

You’re always giving something up. You’re always carrying some kind of burden. The only thing to decide is: Are you choosing the burden that leads to growth, or the one that leads to a slow, comfortable death?

Sincerely, a good life isn’t about creating one perfect, unchanging identity. It’s about being someone who’s always learning, always willing to look at themself honestly, change when needed, and have the courage to break the old mold when it doesn’t fit anymore. It means trusting you can build something better from the pieces.

“Only Reason A Monkey Kills It Child” was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

We Are the Loneliest Generation.

But could we be healing all wrong?

We’re supposedly the most connected people ever, but it feels like we’re drowning in loneliness—tons of online friends, yet no one to call when life hits hard at 2 a.m.

And it’s not just some feeling; studies actually show Gen Z and younger millennials are lonelier than everyone else.

Here’s a tough pill to swallow: feeling cut off makes it way easier to fall into addiction, anxiety, and feeling totally lost.

Humans aren’t built to go solo.

Seriously, it’s impossible! We often want to identify with something, making it easier to thrive in a community where we share similar values and beliefs.

We’re hardwired for community, meant to belong to a tribe, and we want real connections. Our bodies scream for it.

The Rat Park Experiment

Back in the 1970s, a psychologist named Bruce Alexander conducted this experiment.

He created Rat Park, a rodent paradise, complete with tunnels, wheels, toys, and, most importantly, other rats.

They could hang out, make babies, and play.

Then, he gave them two water bottles: one with plain water, the other with morphine in it.

Guess what?

The Rat Park rats almost always went for the plain water.

Even the ones who were hooked on morphine before, once they were in Rat Park, they went cold turkey all on their own.

Being in a happy, connected place made the drugs lose their appeal.

But the control group rats stuck in lonely, empty cages drank the morphine water like it was all they could think of.

Addiction isn’t just about chemicals.

It comes from feeling alone.

When we’re isolated and empty, we look for something to fill that void in unhealthy ways, such as drugs, endless scrolling, crummy relationships, and blaming everyone else.

We point fingers at our parents, our past, whatever.

But doing that gives our power away.

Look, I’m not saying your past doesn’t matter.

Trauma is real, and it can leave some nasty scars.

However, people overcome challenging situations not by dwelling on them forever, but by channeling that energy into something positive.

Freud vs. Adler

What if this mental health mess is because we’ve based our healing on the wrong ideas?

In the past, two prominent figures in psychology emerged: Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler.

Freud’s perspective, which we have all grown accustomed to, suggests that your past can harm you, including your childhood, your parents, and any bad experiences.

So, healing means digging up every painful memory and talking about it forever.

With time, it becomes a whole big thing now, keeping you on the therapist’s couch, rehashing your patterns and hurts. All that might feel like progress, but often, nothing actually changes.

Your past still controls you.

Then there was Adler -he knew the past existed, but he didn’t think it was the main thing.

He said that your current beliefs, goals, and feelings of connection matter a whole lot more.

He believed that healing comes from owning your story and creating a life with a purpose, as well as forming solid social ties.

Which one did we go with as a society?

Yep, Freud.

Why?

Because Freud’s way is passive, it blames everything else.

It’s easier to see yourself as a victim than to actually fight for something better.

Adler’s is harder.

It motivates you to take charge and show up. It says you’re writing your own story, not just reading someone else’s.

Action Is the Cure: Do Something ’Till You Love It

Therapy in itself is not a waste of time; talking without action is. Therapy should guide you towards determining the appropriate action.

Okay, if we have been sincere enough.

We’ve all been in a situation where we become so busy doing something we care about, something that matters, that we don’t get so hung up on our negative thoughts, worries, or cravings.

Please don’t get me wrong; this is not a quick way out.

It’s about how purpose works on your brain. Doing something gets things moving.

Momentum makes you better at it.

And that makes you feel good about yourself.

Take responsibility, don’t just blame.

That’s huge.

Blame looks back and asks, Who screwed this up? Responsibility looks ahead and asks, What can I do now?

Start small. Focus on you.

Don’t try to change your whole life overnight.

Just do one little thing each day.

Make your bed.

Take a quick walk.

Read a few pages of a book.

Put your phone away for an hour.

Those little acts of respect for yourself will add up and make you feel way more solid.

“The best revenge is a life so full, there’s no room left for the memory of your wounds.”

Connect, even when it’s awkward.

Join a group, a club, whatever! Talk to the person making your coffee. Look people in the eye.

It doesn’t have to be perfect, just real.

Please get involved in something until you actually enjoy it.

Purpose isn’t just something you find; it’s something you create.

Jump into a project, learn something new, and find a hobby. It seems like something to distract you at first. But before you know it, it takes over. The thing you’re doing becomes its own kind of therapy.

Our past is holding us back, not because it happened, but because we’ve used it as an excuse to do nothing.

We’re stuck overthinking things.

“You can become so busy living your life, you almost forget you were once a victim. The little things stop mattering, not necessarily because they’re healed, but because you’re finally building something greater.”

“Life has a way of filling your hands with such purpose that you no longer have the space to hold the weight of what once broke you.”

Time to try Adler’s way.

Time to switch gears and focus on moving forward.

You don’t find healing in the rubble of what’s broken.

You build it with responsibility, connection, and work that matters right now.

We weren’t made to go it alone. We were made to connect, build, and get through it all together.

Therapy and Time Wasted was originally published in Real on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.