The Bear family, who lived in a treehouse down a sunny dirt road deep in Bear Country, were just your typical American family. Papa Bear spent his days in his woodshop polishing his AR-15s. Mama Bear loved to bake pies and shout slurs at women outside Planned Bearenthood. And Brother and Sister Bear patrolled the bathrooms at school, harassing other cubs about their pronouns.

There was just one problem.

Papa Bear was also wanted by the federal government for trying to prevent the peaceful transfer of power by breaking into the United States Capitol Building on January 6, 2021.

At first Mama had hoped Papa was just being metaphorical when he said he was taking a bus to Washington DC to “Stop the Steal.” But when she saw photos on the news of wooden gallows, she recognized Papa’s carpentry. And when she heard someone had taken a big dump in the halls of the Capitol Building, well, she recognized Papa’s handiwork again.

Now two years had passed since the Capitol riot, and Papa’s extremism had only grown.

“Think of the example you’re setting for Brother and Sister,” Mama scolded.

Papa looked out the window, where Brother and Sister were beating up the Panda cub who lived down the street.

“It seems like they’re growing up just fine to me,” said Papa.

“Bullying other cubs just because their fur is a different color than ours?” said Mama. “You’re right, I couldn’t be more proud!”

“Still, why can’t you be more like our former representative, Griz Cheney?” said Mama. “After all, Griz opposed the insurrection while still preserving her traditional American values, like bombing sovereign nations in the Middle East. And her father once shot another bear in the face, which is pretty metal.”

“Ol’ Lady Griz?” Papa scoffed. “She couldn’t even win her primary. Her January 6 Committee is as dead as a hiker who comes to the woods to find the meaning of life. And Bearnold Trump will never be prosecuted. Give it up, Mama. Two years have passed since the insurrection, and we’re stronger than ever.”

Just then there was a pounding on the tree house door. Black-clad agents burst into the room.

“Federal Bear-eau of Investigation! Are you the Papa Bear who resides at 1 Big Tree House Down a Sunny Dirt Road Deep in Bear Country?”

“That’s me,” bragged Papa.

“You’ve been hard to find, Mr. Bear. Mostly because you don’t have an actual first name. But we matched your DNA to the clumps of fur we found in a pile of dung outside Bearcy Pelosi’s office.”

“Ugh! I knew that was you,” said Mama.

As the FBI hauled Papa Bear away to prison, Mama called the cubs inside for dinner. Sure, Papa being arrested was upsetting, but Mama knew she could get by without him, since he was kind of an idiot. And she had lots of work ahead of her to undermine American democracy in her own way — suppressing the votes of black bears, leaving death threats for local school board members, and maybe even writing nationalist propaganda disguised as children’s books.

Tomorrow would be a brand new day in Bear Country.

Rebecca Saltzman’s writing appears in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, The Missouri Review, The Idaho Review, and elsewhere. She lives in New York City.

The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Treason was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

That’s why I’m-a here to testify on behalf of mi amico, Il Douchi!

My buddy Andrea Cuomo, he’s-a been accused of the sexual harrassment. Mamma mia! You Americanos, you just-a don’t understand! Italians, we are just so touchy-feely! In fact, every time I steal-a the castle, I slap-a the ass of Princess Peach.

That’s why I’m-a here to testify on behalf of mi amico, Il Douchi, the governatore of the great New York-a Stato!

Si, Andrea, he touched-a those ladies on their body parts. But we Italianos, we are just-a this way! Did you see his slideshow? He touch-a everybody! Strong manly men, the little bambinos, tutti le persone!

Me, Wario, I am-a the same! I grope all the bazungas! My hands-a, they are all over the principesas in Mario Kart and the signorinas in Albany and especially the New York-a Stato troopers. I even clone-a my dick, that’s what all those big pipes and angry mushroom things are in the game. You jump-a on mi grande peneciccio or it-a kill you!

Mario and Luigi, they say “Wario, no. We Italianos can tell-a the difference between a friendly touch and sexual harassment. It’s-a molto offensivo the way Il Governatore uses being Italian to justify touching women inappropriately. And it’s-a disgusting the way you treat Princess Peach like a prize to be won, you are just-a as bad as Bowzer!”

Then they tell-a me my mustachio is molto ugly!

Si, Andrea Cuomo passed a law toughening penalties for the sexual harassment, so maybe you could-a argue he know better, eh?

But I hope you will read his defense and decide for yourself, as long as you decide in favor of mi amico, Andrea, son of the famous Mario Cuomo Bridge.

OK, si, there may be a difference between us Italianos kissing someone we know and tracing a finger down the spine of a lady polizia like a weird-a gropey noodle. Maybe it’s-a not appropriate to touch-a the bodies of bella persone that you have power over. I admit that sounds-a molto creepy.

Che figata! Maybe Andrea Cuomo should-a be expelled from the Albany, just like Mario expelled me, Wario, from the castle. Then me, Wario, can run for his office! Si, si! And I can use my brother, CNN anchor Waluigi, to provide-a the friendly coverage of mi campaign!

Wario for Governatore! Let’s-a go!

Rebecca Saltzman’s writing appears in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, and elsewhere. She has an MFA from NYU and lives in New York City. Find her on Twitter @beccasaltz, and online at rebeccasaltzman.net.

It’s-a Me, Wario, Here to Explain That Governatore Cuomo Only Touched All Those Women Because… was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It can’t be NSAID enough how beautiful you are! Whether it was a headache from squinting at Zoom all day, or the pain of all my muscles atrophying from never leaving the couch, you were there when I needed you most.

You make my heart swell, and my serotonin levels too! I never could have stopped hiding under the blankets and obsessively checking the daily death tolls without you. Would it be possible to get my ability to orgasm back though? Just asking!

Can I give U-ni-some love here? I really appreciate how much you tried to help me sleep in a non-habit forming way. Unfortunately, you failed, and I still lay awake for hours obsessing over that dumb thing I said three years ago. But even though we weren’t a good fit, I’ll always think of our time together fondly.

Pepto, you’re the best-o! When reading the news gives me heartburn, your luscious pink goo is there to soothe the flames. Unfortunately not the literal flames — everything but my esophagus is still a molten hellscape.

Is that stuffy nose from allergies or the onset of a fatal respiratory virus? Swallowing you reassured me it was just the high ragweed count. And sleeping with you is incredible, unlike with my ex, Unisom. Sure, you’ve been linked to cognitive decline, but everyone loves a bad boy. Bena-you-can-dryl me anytime!

You may be Plan B, but you’re an A+ in my heart! When a condom broke, you shut that ovulation shit down. Because who would want to bring a child into the literal apocalypse?

THC, you’re my MVP! Thanks for giving me the only real fun I’ve had in months. Call me when you’re legal!

Rebecca Saltzman’s humor writing appears in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist, elsewhere, and was selected for the print anthology Keep Scrolling Till You Feel Something: Twenty-One Years of Humor From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. She received her MFA in fiction from New York University.

Love Notes To My Pharmaceuticals was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

You’ve already seen the news about Murder Hornets and Cannibal Rats. But did you know nature is just getting warmed up? Here are 11 other terrifying animals you should panic about this year:

Rebecca Saltzman’s humor writing appears in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist, and elsewhere, and was selected for the print anthology Keep Scrolling Till You Feel Something: Twenty-One Years of Humor From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. She is the fiction editor of Washington Square Review, and she has an MFA from New York University.

Other Animals That Are Definitely Going To Kill You in 2020 was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Rebecca Saltzman’s humor writing appears in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, and Weekly Humorist, and was selected for the print anthology Keep Scrolling Till You Feel Something: Twenty-One Years of Humor From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. She is the fiction editor of Washington Square Review, and an MFA candidate at New York University.

Famous Paintings’ Tinder Profiles was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Rebecca Saltzman’s humor writing appears in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, and Weekly Humorist, and was selected for the print anthology Keep Scrolling Till You Feel Something: Twenty-One Years of Humor From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. She is the fiction editor of Washington Square Review, and an MFA candidate at New York University.

Goofus and Gallant In the Global Pandemic was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

MEMORANDUM FOR: Sarah Sanders, White House Press Secretary

FROM: Ronnie Jackssonn, M.D., Physician to the President, Rear Admiral U.S. Navy

SUBJECT: The President’s Physical Examination

The President has completed its first physical exam in office. I am writing this report with total professional honesty of my own free will and not at all because the President is holding me hostage and threatening to envenomate me with its thousands of tentacle stingers.

The purpose of this exam was to reassure the public that the President is in excellent health despite being a seething tumorous mass of racism. In my opinion, it will absolutely be able to serve out its term, thanks to its good genes and its ability to siphon the laughter of babies with its spiral-fanged lamprey mouth.

There has been speculation on the internet that the results of this physical exam are not accurate. For example, many people feel that as a 6’3” sac of spider eggs covered in spray cheese, the President would weigh more than 239 pounds. But with my extensive medical training, I can assure the public that the process of splitting the President’s soul to make Lindsey Graham into a horcrux would naturally result in a significant weight loss.

With the President’s consent, and totally not under great physical suffering and emotional duress from the President’s amoeba fingers crawling up my nasal cavity and probing my brain, I release the following health information:

Vital signs

Age: 7,000,000; awakens every 27 years

Height: Taller than the haters and losers

Weight: 239 lbs

Physical Examination by Systems

Eyes: Small, squinty. Each like a twin anus gazing upon the world. Color vision is poor; claims to not care if something is white, black, green or purple, but only sees white as fully deserving to be visualized in the retina.

Genitourinary: Present. No problem there, believe me. No blood coming out of its wherever. Hydrochloric acid glands in the cloaca have appropriate pH for scalding out the eyes of its enemies.

Gastrointestinal: Normal. Intestinal tract has expected appearance of a writhing mass of vipers. Colonoscopy not indicated because mortal human physicians are too weak to view the true horror of the President’s bowels.

Heart: Necrotic and heavier than a feather. No murmurs except for the soft echo of satanic chants.

Neurological: Brain scan shows a bodiless telepathic organ with normal pulsation. Cognitive abilities were screened with the Montreal Cognitive assessment. The President was unable to distinguish between a camel and an elephant, as they are not species native to its home realm of Camazotz. However, the President’s exam did show normal function in brainwashing people’s behavior to publicly humiliate themselves and sacrifice their morals.

Medications

Statin (10 mg): To prevent cholesterol from building a wall in the President’s veins unless Mexico is going to pay for it.

Propecia (1 mg): For prevention of male-pattern scale loss

Summary

The President’s overall health is excellent. The President has requested that I verify that there is no pee tape, because as a radioactive dumpster full of rotting deathcap mushrooms, the President is physically unable to produce urine. When I pointed out that this would not preclude the President from watching Russian hookers urinate, the President was completely understanding and definitely did not subject me to shock torture from his electric eel arms.

The President continues to enjoy the health benefits of abstaining from alcohol and tobacco and sustaining all nourishment from children it lures into the sewer. The President would benefit from a routine exercise routine, although this may be complicated by the President’s copious production of slime mucous. All clinical data indicates that the President is healthy and will remain so for the eternal duration of its Presidency.

Rebecca Saltzman is a writer living in New York. Her work appears or is forthcoming in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, SmokeLong Quarterly, Paper Darts, and elsewhere. She has a website at rebeccasaltzman.net and a Twitter @beccasaltz.

As White House Physician, I Certify That This Pig Rectum Filled With Bees Is Fit To Be President was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.