I often set the “If-Then” rules, hoping that it will help form some structure in my day to day. Instead, when the “if” happens — or doesn’t — I just go, “oh well,” and keep doing the thing I was trying to avoid. These rules always stem from a desire to feel productive. Why is this something so hardwired in us all? Being productive on a game is still, guess what… Being productive! While logic says being productive in a game is still being productive, emotions don’t see it that way. I’ve been thinking about this rule setting lately and how sometimes they work, but most often, they don’t. I wonder how many other people with ADHD or not use this method to help facilitate structure, only to feel too strict on themselves. It’s a funny paradox, craving structure only to feel like you no longer have freedom. “If *thing fails* do this.” Most of the times the, “then” in, if-then rule setting is too broad to get anything done. Take the productivity rule above, it really depends on what you view as productive. So, leaving it open-ended is just asking for failure… But maybe that’s what I want… Maybe I want the “then” statement to fail so I can keep doing what I want. Interesting, isn't it?

Although most of these rules I set fail, I’ve noticed some that work. My Nintendo Switch for example. It’s more strict in terms of meeting that “if” conditional statement instead of it being left up to me deciding. Although this works, “being productive,” does’t amount to anything, and instead it leaves me wondering what I SHOULD be doing. Putting me into paralysis mode and not doing anything at all.

On a different note to this rule setting, there is something I’ve been doing that seems to work better… sometimes. And that is telling myself “you won’t do it tomorrow, do it now.” I’ll need to repeat it a few times, but, usually it works in making myself do the thing. However, if I think about all the steps involved in whatever task it is I’ll abandon ship and run away. A perfect example is the tote of items I have in my car for Goodwill. It’s been there for probably 4–6 months, and it’s just there, in the backseat, a reminder everyday to do it, and that I have failed to do it — even when I pass the store everyday. I think about the traffic, and the human interaction (minimal, I know). Do I get out of the car? Do I help carry it in? What if they think my car is rubbish? Over and over and I just can’t make myself do it! One day… it will be donated!

Sometimes these work and sometimes they don’t. Do you set rules for yourself? How often do they work for you? What works for you!? The funny things is how accomplished I feel doing such a small and ordinary task, like getting gas… like gurl, you NEED gas, the gas lights on, stop and get it — i’ll get it tomorrow morning before work, I’ll wake up early… The biggest lie I tell myself and will continue to tell myself.

Do I have gas for tomorrow? Meh, we’ll see.
If I don’t have gas in the morning, then I’ll just have to be late and face the consequences.

Rules govern my life
In every small decision,
Yet, I’m never free.

Life contemplations
On a crisp evening stroll, dreams — 
Oh! It’s New Year’s Eve

Earlier that evening, I felt stir-crazy and decided I needed some fresh air. It was freezing, but I stepped out for a short walk. It was around 8 or 9 PM. As I walked, my mind wandered to Japan — how much I miss it, my dream to live there, and the steps I need to take, like finishing my bachelor’s degree and attending language school. Moving to Japan feels like a pipe dream, but it’s a dream I’m determined to reach.

Lost in my thoughts, I suddenly realized it was New Year’s Eve. How fitting, right…? Right then, I looked up and saw the most beautiful orange hue outlining a grey cloud. It felt like the year 2024 was showing its beauty one last time before saying, “Goodnight.”

A New Year’s Eve cloud
Painted orange by the sun — 
A soft kiss goodnight

It’s funny, because I always catch myself doing this, I know I’m doing it and I try so hard to stop it, but, I can’t. It’s shocking how many games I’ve done this with. I’ll spend all my time on the game creating the perfect character, grinding for the best gear, anything that could make my character “the best.” Elden Ring is a great example, I watched YouTue videos on repeat about “best builds,” or “paladin builds,” there’s too many to name. Anyway, I kept deleting and rebuilding, grinding for the best summons and gear and learning fighting mechanics, not for the fun (although some was) but for the satisfaction of the perfect character. My brain, once it’s decided that I have completed this efficiency mission, checks out. I’ll usually tell myself “I’ll come back and finish the full game later,” but I don’t. If I can’t see a clear finish to a video game, my brain decides to make one which is, “BE THE BEST!” It’s like my brain already decided it was “victory” just because I was prepared to beat it.

Even those cozy games that everyone plays can become a battle for perfectionism. Just today, I’m playing Stardew Valley, a notorious cozy game and I started to go down a rabbit hole of being the most efficient. It’s so easy to fall into this trap… I started to question: “Which plants sell for the most gold and are ready to harvest quickly, and are cheap? Which weapons and armor will make me the best in the mines? Which foods give the most energy and health?” When I catch myself doing this, I ask myself “why am I trying so hard? Is there an ending that makes this all worthwhile?” And, If that answer is no, guess what? I’ll stop playing altogether and then proceed to the next game, where to cycle repeats. It’s extremely difficult for me to find the right game that offers just enough stimulation so it’s not overwhelming. If there is too many choices and routes, it often leads to this efficiency mindset, but if there isn’t a way to level up or improve your character then… it’s not enough, too boring.

It all comes down to how ADHD brains crave challenge and novelty. The act of optimizing and becoming efficient enough to beat the game is the challenge. It’s no longer about beating the game or the story it’s all about how strong I can make my character and once I meet that criteria it’s like “okay we’re done here,” and I loose interest.

When you become aware of these habits and behaviors, you start to wonder how many other things in life this pertains to… Stopping right when I was ready to start. I can think of a few. It’s enlightening, but also a little depressing, because, what would have happened if I didn’t stop? Where would I be today? Try not to think and ruminate on this or you’ll turn into a zombie. I know it’s hard, I mean I still do it too, but not everything needs to be optimized or finished in that perfect way your mind sees it. It’s okay to just play and enjoy what happens.

Enjoy the game? I…
want the best of Everything
Optimization

I’m searching for peace — but my mind won’t let me have it. Where every decision, every plan, every move requires the utmost effort for an answer, my mind becoming a battleground. It’s never simply “yes” or “no.” A single decision turns into infinite possibilities… which one is the best path? In a way it’s pretty awesome, we can see all the outcomes, the good and the bad. But… it’s not so great when you get stuck in a never ending loop, which happens, just about every day.

I can’t count how many times I’ve been trapped in this cycle. Especially in today’s modern tech and social media. We have so much information at our disposal and can access it so quickly. Too many options become my downfall. RPG gaming is a perfect example. You pick your character and choose their race, class, stats, cosmetics, and backstory — it’s just too much. But, also when I decide I really want something, it should be as simple as buying it right? Think again, because… what if there is a better one? A cheaper one? Which one will work the best? When will I get it? What about a different brand? Do I even need this? But I really want it, so I should get it… right? But… It just goes on and on, usually resulting in more anxiety and information overload that leads to indecision and eventually just giving up on whatever it was. By then, I’m so drained that I give up and walk away. But of course, that means the cycle begins again. Time for the next “new thing” to obsess over!

The most notable ones for myself are in the grocery store, that’s right, grocery shopping. It’s usually when I see a food I love, and binge on when I buy it. I’m like, “OOOH I want this, but, I’m trying to do better and loose weight, but I haven’t had it in a while and deserve to enjoy it, but I’ll probably feel bad after and feel guilty, but in order to repair my relationship with food I need to understand that it all just food and nutrients to my body…” Again, a never ending loop of overanalyzing, and guess what? I’m standing there like a zombie staring at the food, disassociating until I decide to not decide at all and just walk away leaving myself emotionally drained for the day. I just wish it was easier.

Recently, however, It has gotten easier. I’ve started using AI to help me and it’s actually working. I can ask ChatGPT to recommend me a product and it will generate maybe, 1–5 options, with short descriptions of the product and If I don't like any, I can tell it what I want this product to do and what I’m looking for and it will narrow it down for me. It’s been extremely helpful. But, be careful because you can easily fall into a rabbit hole of “what about this” and drown in information overload. Ironically, It’s as simple as you make it… I’ve found that instead of ruminating on every possible outcome or scenario it’s better just to act. Which, can be hard I know. Want that item you see? Great! Grab it. Simple as that. Often I’ll get caught up on the “perfect” choice, but how can anyone know what will be perfect for you? Imaging you found a pair of headphones/earbuds that someone is saying is the most perfect, budget friendly, sound quality and comfort you could ever get! Awesome! I’ll take 20. You get home and eagerly try them on and… they don’t “feel” right. The earbud falls out, feels itchy and doesn’t sound good. Gasp, they lied! No, young Padawan. Perfect doesn’t exist, it’s what works for you that makes it perfect. But, that means I buy the thing and try it out myself? Yes, how did other people get their “perfect” recommendation to give you? Interesting, don’t you think?

I’m searching for peace
Constantly analyzing
Please… make it simple

This simplicity isn’t something to chase — it’s something we have to allow ourselves. Overthinking ends not when we find the “right” answer, but when we let go of needing one.

Someone turn it off
Racing thoughts on loop again
Just please let me sleep!

This “grand idea,” and “perfect future” mentality has haunted me for so long! I’m exhausted… Forever stuck in the “if only” state of mind. If only my YouTube channel worked, if only I had enough money, if only I could stay home more. If only… if only… if only… if only… IF ONLY I COULD GET PAST THIS WALL, THIS LAST HURDLE! I could be free. No more obligation, no more responsibility, just life. That’s the problem though, there is no “last hurdle” there will always be another one after. The perfect future I chase is already here. It’s right in front of me, but I’m blind to it.

Chasing endlessly
Fog clouds my mind, if only…
I could be present

Have you ever had a euphoric idea, one that would make everything all right? Or maybe one that just seemed like a really fun new hobby? Of course you have! These thoughts aren’t foreign to us. What happens when you decide to share this new hobby or idea with someone? For me, the novelty, the spark, the motivation… vanishes, like it was never there. Why? It’s because now, I’ve shared my idea and it’s no longer mine. It’s not my happy little secret anymore. It’s also because, sharing it somehow equates to admitting defeat… “It’s just another temporary hobby.” “Here we go again.” “He’ll move to something new soon.” It’s a little ironic isn't it? Feeling so excited about something new and wanting, no needing to tell someone to share the excitement with, for it only to fall and crumble as soon as it leaves the confines of your mind.

I can’t escape this…
Ideas running rampant
What do I pursue?

I needed to get this out, to tell someone. Sometimes I try, but words fail me. For some, this is a daily battle, one hurdle after another, but in all honesty, the real hurdle is not chasing the next “if only” — it’s learning to trust that what I have now is enough to build on. It’s realizing that sharing your new idea and excitement doesn’t diminish them. It’s a learned instinct, this need to keep what’s mine… mine. It’s scary, to share these precious ideas, afraid it will abandon me. But I suppose that’s just another hurdle for us all to pass… the next “if only.”

Wandering through time
Aimless yet determined still
Where am I going

An un-brushed cat jumps
Swirling sunlit hair — sighing
My home, once pristine…

Do you have a cat who sheds everywhere too? How do you manage it?

Black and white thinking…
to some… peace, and to others
complete Blasphemy!

I was walking around somewhere new today, around 4:30 pm, and saw a beautiful moment for a monochrome photo. So I took it. It reminded me of the little haiku I wrote on a day my partner and I were having an argument. Me, black-and-white thinking. Him, more… go with the flow.

It’s funny how trivial arguments seem when you look at them from the future. They’re so irrelevant in hindsight, yet in the moment, they’re all you know, all you feel, all you can fathom. This photo, this moment — it’s a reminder that although there is beauty in simplicity and “going with the flow,” for some of us… we enjoy structure.

Gasps for chilly air
Under evening autumn skies.
Hot Takoyaki!

On a brisk November evening in Yokohama, (I actually got us lost here via the train), on the corner of a little alleyway, we spotted this tiny Takoyaki shop. Both of us were freezing and looking for something hot to eat. Takoyaki is basically pancake batter with a small piece of squid inside, fried into a ball and usually served with some toppings. We placed our order, and the staff member said she liked my mustache (referring to my beard) and said it was like Santa Claus. We walked, looking for a place to eat our freshly fried treat, hands grasping at the warm styrofoam. A quiet corner… a couple of foreigners and some very Hot Takoyaki! A wonderful and funny moment.