Following his recent trip with Blue Origin, William Shatner confirmed that Joe Manchin’s ego is now visible from space.

Emerging from the New Shepard spaceship, Shatner called the trip a disappointment. “I was hoping to see the Great Wall and Great Barrier Reef, but the only thing up there was Joe Manchin’s ego. It blocked everything.

Shatner, who played Captain Kirk in the Star Trek television series, described the experience as like sitting in the dark, blindfolded, with Joe Manchin’s ego just outside the window. “The whole episode was quite disturbing,” he said.

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Joe Manchin’s Ego Now Visible From Space was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Ted Cruz Says Pants Don’t Fit Right

On what is likely the final day of the impeachment trial, Senate Republicans arrived at the Capitol in red noses and big shoes, carrying extendable ladders and buckets of soapy water.

As they pulled up to the main steps in a red and yellow Volkswagen Beetle, all fifty Republican senators quickly spilled out into a heap on the sidewalk.

First to his feet, Josh Hawley, the senator from Missouri, immediately pulled a wooden plank from his pants and whacked Lindsey Graham across the backside.

Before he chased after Senator Hawley, Mr. Graham, who’d taken time out of his busy golf schedule to attend the impeachment trial, spoke briefly with reporters, calling the House managers’ earlier presentation “offensive and absurd.”

He then ran up the steps of the Capitol’s hallowed grounds and tipped a bucket of water over Mr. Hawley’s head.

During his opening salvo, impeachment defense attorney, Bruce Castor, strenuously explained how to make custard pies.

Senators Cruz, Graham, and Lee, who were seen squirting water at each other while squeezed into Mr. Cruz’s tiny car, were then invited on stage to stuff pies down the front of each other’s pants.

This concluded the former president’s impeachment defense, whereupon Republicans slipped on a giant banana skin and collapsed in a pile on the Senate floor.

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Republican Senators Arrive For Impeachment Carrying Ladders and Buckets of Soapy Water was originally published in MuddyUm on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Says Second Shot Unnecessary

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley has confirmed he was vaccinated against the truth back in October, along with fellow Republican Lauren Boebert.

“I feel great,” said the first term senator. “I’d say at this stage I’m pretty much immune to any evidence-based reality.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene was originally scheduled to be vaccinated with her colleagues, but after going through her social media posts, Republican leaders decided not to bother.

“To be honest, after checking her Facebook and Twitter accounts and watching some of her videos, we just kind of assumed she’d broken into the lab and pumped herself full of the vaccine,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy. “We couldn’t see any other explanation.”

Republicans expect to reach herd immunity to the truth by mid-March. They plan to mark the occasion with a walk to the edge of the earth with Bigfoot.

“Only from the edge of the earth can you see the Democrats’ cabal of satanic pedophiles,” said Taylor Greene. “They don’t want us anywhere near the edge. It’s why they keep telling us the earth is round.”

Speaking to reporters, Nancy Pelosi said she’d love to find Marjorie Taylor Greene at the edge of the earth.

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Josh Hawley Confirms He Was Vaccinated Against Truth in October was originally published in MuddyUm on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Hasn’t Been in Attic Yet

President Joe Biden has uncovered 500 migrant children in a White House closet.

“I reached in for a clean shirt, and they all spilled out into the room. They seemed pleased to see me,” said the 46th President.

The children weren’t the only thing Biden found.

Buried in the back was a raging pandemic, some old Christmas decorations, an economy that looked like it had been trampled on by elephants, Sean Spicer, a bunch of iron spikes from a wall, and an audio file marked “Conversations with V. Putin.”

First Lady Jill Biden says after raising three children and teaching high school for 13 years, she’s never seen anything like it.

“God only knows what’s in the basement,” she said.

Biden Discovers 500 Migrant Children in White House Closet was originally published in MuddyUm on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Democrats in disarray after foot faux pas

Following video released showing him walking up the steps to the Capitol wearing socks that don’t match, House Representative Mark Warrington has announced he will be stepping down.

The video, which has gained 74 million views, shows the now disgraced congressman almost gaining entrance to Congress dressed in one black sock, and one of a slightly lighter shade. It’s clear from the video that this is not a matching pair.

Calls for his resignation were swift, with outraged Republicans demanding he step down even before the video had finished playing.

“No one who sees this footage won’t be justifiably outraged,” said Lauren Boebert. “The idea that a member of Congress almost made it into the halls of our most sacred institution in socks that don’t match is stunning.”

Kevin McCarthy called for an immediate inquiry and for all Democrats in Congress to be deported. “I don’t feel safe around this sort of haphazard tailoring and I know the American people feel the same way,” he said.

Josh Hawley agreed, calling it an infringement on sartorial decency. “I think stepping down is the least he should do. If I were Representative Warrington, I’d shoot myself.”

Announcing his resignation, Warrington said he was “rattled” after being chased by an angry mob incited by Marjorie Taylor Green and didn’t notice his socks were mismatched when he took them out of the drawer.

“Now is a time for self-reflection. I plan to spend the next few weeks with my family and take a good hard look at myself. The road to repair is long, but the journey begins today with matching socks,” he said, proudly displaying a pair of socks identical in color.

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House Democrat Resigns After Socks Clash on Capitol Steps was originally published in MuddyUm on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Standing in corner not ruled out

As revelations for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s support for QAnon conspiracy theories continue, outraged Democrats are calling for the freshman congresswoman to sit on the Naughty Step.

Speaking to reporters Thursday Nancy Pelosi urged Kevin McCarthy and other Republican leaders to sit down with the embattled Congresswoman to reach an agreement.

A spokesman for Mr. McCarthy said he is considering having her stand in the corner for ten minutes, possibly eleven. The GOP has signaled it has little appetite for the Naughty Step.

In the Senate, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer warned Republicans that if they fail to act, he’ll have no choice but to make a bad noise.

It’s unclear at this stage exactly what kind of bad noise Senator Schumer might have in mind. If he does make one, it will be the first time a bad noise has been made voluntarily in the Senate.

Ronald Reagan made an odd noise during a Senate confirmation in 1981, but it wasn’t clear he meant to and it didn’t affect the outcome.

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House Democrats Call For Marjorie Taylor Greene to Sit on The Naughty Step was originally published in MuddyUm on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.