Also, me, throughout the day. “Come here…”

Sweet Pea…

Peanut…

Love Bug…

My Good Boy…

Fluffy Face…

Barky Pants…

Bark Hamill…

Fuzz Butt…

H.R. Ruffnstuf…

Mr. Four Legs…

Grumbledore…

FrankenWhine…

Dogzilla…

…

Maybe one day he’ll get it.

To be honest, I’m not sure he understands chairs, either.

It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year to end a dead-end relationship. You’ve been putting it off, but let’s face it, he’s a lemon, and there’s no need to spend another Holiday Season together. It’s not so bad! Maybe you can turn The Season of Giving into The Season of Giving Bad News without too much pain by couching it inside some Holiday cheer.

1. Have the Elf On the Shelf deliver the bad news. Nothing like having that mischievous scamp create an elaborate prank-style break-up message from Santa himself to get your point across. Yeah, it’s fun when the Elf playfully hides your keys in the popcorn, but this year the Elf can do one better by losing your boyfriend’s keys to your place… permanently.

2. Make a Photo Holiday Card with only yourself on it and send it to him. This takes weeks of pre-planning, but is visually very effective. To avoid any confusion, wear a t-shirt that reads: “Relationship Status — Single,” in red and green block letters. Best advice: don’t rely on the Postal Service if you find yourself with less than ten days.

3. Bake him a festive holiday cake with the words “Good luck on your next relationship!” Or “Ho ho ho you are a ho. I know you slept with Carol.” Everyone knows a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, so several cups of sugar will undoubtedly help with the bad news. Too many words in your scorched-icing Dear John? Enlist a Von’s cake-professional for a large sheet cake and impressive calligraphy skills. Plus she’ll be too overworked this time of year to be judgy!

4. Sing the “Baby It’s Cold Outside” duet with him, but then switch up the words to “You really can’t stay (because I’ve changed the locks).” This one hinges on him knowing the real lyrics and recognizing the change. To deepen the impact, consider adding his name and a splash of holiday-themed blackmail. “The neighbors might find out, Martin… you knocked over their mailbox and blamed the DoorDash guy.” Sing faster to fit it all in. It’ll be fine.

5. Enlist carolers to sing him the news. If singing the message yourself is too close for comfort, try this option instead. Plus, being dumped will sound much less harsh in a four-part harmony. I suggest a version of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas… (But You Won’t).” Be sure they finish with a rousing rendition of “Hallelujah” to drown out his crying.

6. Send him on an errand and then defend your home from him, Home Alone-style. Everyone loves cheering for Kevin McCallister, defending his family home in ways that would put a real burglar in a coma. Your soon-to-be-ex will have a smashing time reenacting the holiday classic as it slowly dawns on him that he has been kicked out. Talk about dropping a load of bricks on him! But seriously, don’t do that.

7. Blindfold him and lead him outside Christmas morning to a car with a big, red bow, but instead of a Lexus, it’s an Uber, pre-packed with his things. This gives you a chance to reclaim that comfy sweatshirt you bought him that he never wears. In all the excitement, he’ll feel like he got an amazing gift! Bonus points if it’s snowing outside for a touch of nostalgia.

8. Move out on Christmas Eve so he’ll think Santa kidnapped you. You may have to pay extra for a moving company to work Holiday hours, but it’ll be worth it if he buys it. Here’s where your soon-to-be-ex not being the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree can help you out! He’ll be less likely to overthink your far-fetched cover story, leaving you successfully uncoupled.

9. Construct a gingerbread house with a happily-single girl-cookie. She has a big, icing-smile as she enjoys her glass of wine, watches Bridgerton, and relaxes on her cookie-couch… alone! Prominently display how the sad, candy-heart-less boy-cookie lives in a small, studio apartment on gumdrop lane. Wouldn’t hurt to monogram his initials on the fruit roll-up sleeping bag he’s using in leu of furniture to really paint the picture.

10. Convince him you were visited by three spirits who warned you to change your ways (and your relationship). This one will ultimately depend on how much you sell it. He needs to believe scary ghosts have you shook. It wasn’t your idea to break up, but Jacob Marley feels strongly that you should! Pro Tip: cut some onions ahead of time and place some in your pocket to get those tears going in a pinch!

11. Do some Santa role-play with an unexpected twist. In happier days, this may have led to wintertime romance and flirty fun, but his laziness in the relationship has forced your hand. Entice him to dress up as Santa and when he gamely asks you what you want for Christmas, reply, “I want you to move out.” Does this seem particularly harsh? Maybe. But Santa is canonically not allowed to be anything but jolly, so you’ll be fine!

12. Fake your own death. A classic. People are far too busy over the holidays and nobody’s advent calendar says, “check up on Susan.” This strategy requires the most effort and long-term lifestyle changes, but hey, it avoids an awkward conversation, and that alone is worth it.

Whichever option you choose, best of luck on your new (single) life! And Happy Holidays!

Brigitte Erickson is a comedy writer and mom of two in Los Angeles. She was a Final Draft Big Break Top 3 Finalist for SPLASH TOWN, and has done TV comedy punch-up for some of your favorite shows. Repped by @EchoLakeEnt. Find her on Twitter @writerbrig.

Twelve Days of Christmas Break-Ups was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.