Stories by Bryan Hampton on Medium

Playing Video Games Does Not Equal Man Child

Bryan Hampton — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 19:57:09 GMT

I’m 52 years old, and yes, I play video games. I have done so since Pong came out, and I will do so until I die. I’m not ashamed of it, but I am sick and tired of people assuming that if that is your hobby, you have zero maturity. Believe me, the games I play are not something any child should be playing. Since I’m sure someone will ask, the two I’m playing now mostly are Red Dead Redemption 2 and Cyberpunk 2077. If they were movies, they would both be rated R. However, I constantly see comments where people assume you are a man child with no sense of responsibility if you play games. Well, let’s see. I work around 50 hours a week at my job as the IT guy for a local county government and their Sheriff’s department, I own my own place, I clean it every other Saturday, I take care of my yard, do my own laundry, cook my own meals, and pay my bills on time. Does that sound immature to you? Just because you are over 50 doesn’t mean you have to give up what you enjoy just because society thinks otherwise. In fact, being over 50 means that I don’t give a damn what society thinks. And if someone wants to look down on me for my hobby, that is someone I don’t want to be around anyway. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life, nor the judgmental attitude. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, and what you do makes you happy, then DO IT! Don’t let society or anyone try to belittle you for what brings you joy. There is little enough of it in the world, so get it while you can.

The Hard Part of Depression

Bryan Hampton — Sat, 06 Oct 2018 18:36:36 GMT

People who don’t have depression usually think that it means you are just sad all the time. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. If depression was just being sad, it would be so much easier than the reality of it. Depression is not just sadness, it is exhaustion, lack of motivation and unrelenting pain. That last one is the hardest to bear. Personally, I feel like I have a dagger twisting in my soul every damned day. I tough it out, but it wears me out. When a depressed person commits suicide, it is NOT because they are cowards. It is because they simply can’t take it anymore. And that urge can hit at anytime and out of the blue. For example, a couple of weeks ago, while driving home from work, I had a sudden urge to just swerve into an oncoming tractor trailer. And it had been a good day! Yet The Darkness wanted me to end myself even then. That is the crux of depression. Even when your life is going well, the urge to die is always there. People without depression can’t comprehend that, and they don’t know how lucky they are. For us, every single day is a struggle to just stay alive. Most of the time we do it because we don’t want to hurt those we care about, but they don’t understand the Hell we have to endure for their sake. It really is hard to try to find the right words to convey just how much being alive hurts. I said “dagger in my soul”, but that isn’t strong enough. The constant pain is crushing, agonizing, burning and unrelenting. I don’t think I can even feel happiness or joy anymore. I don’t think I’m mentally capable and so I live just to not hurt those I care about. Unfortunately, the simple mathematics of my illness dictate that I will eventually run out the energy to keep going on and I will take my own life. I will die knowing I tried my best though, and that is good enough for me.

Depression is unique

Bryan Hampton — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 20:47:01 GMT

There have been many stories here about depression, but this one is mine. Depression is generalized with symptoms, but I’m guessing that everyone who experiences it has a different story to tell. I’ve suffered with it for over 30 years and it never gets easier to deal with. I’ve been able to quell it when I’ve been working or through self-medication, but it always comes back again. Those feelings of hopelessness, despair, worthlessness and dread just never go away. Suicidal thoughts have been with me most of my life and I know that is how I will probably end up. You can’t fight Fate, and believe me, I have tried, but it always comes back in the end. Being very empathetic doesn’t help either. I can feel other people’s emotions, good and bad, like they are my own and it can be uplifting and despairing. I have lived a pretty good life overall, but I’m so tired now. I don’t see the point anymore. I don’t want to hurt those I love, but I just want to sleep, forever.

The events of the past few days have just crippled me emotionally.

Bryan Hampton — Sat, 09 Jul 2016 18:51:47 GMT

The events of the past few days have just crippled me emotionally. My girlfriend is black and my brother is a cop and now I fear for both of them. This insanity has got to stop. I’m sick of living in a world where innocent people are gunned down by bad cops and then innocent cops are gunned down in retaliation. Ghandi said it right, “An eye for eye makes the whole world blind.” Do I understand the rage that drove the shooter in Dallas to attack the police, yes, I do. However, he endangered more black lives by doing this, but I do understand the rage, because if a cop killed my girlfriend, I’d want revenge as well, but against the guilty, not all cops. And if someone killed my brother, I’d want the same thing, this is just human nature. However, we need to move past our nature and start being more human. We need to start realizing that we are all human beings, no matter what we look like. And cops need to have better screening and training so they don’t reach for their guns at the first perception of threat. And the ones that do, need to be held to the same level of accountability that the rest of us are held to. If I shot someone multiple times in the back, odds are that I’d be spending the rest of my life in prison, and so should they. Until then, I will worry and I will weep at the lack of our ability to be human beings.

Every Saturday that I am home, I clean my apartment.

Bryan Hampton — Sat, 26 Sep 2015 20:52:18 GMT

Every Saturday that I am home, I clean my apartment. While this seems pretty mundane, I have turned it into a cleansing ritual that I find to be very mentally and emotionally calming, rather like meditating. As an added bonus, it is a pretty good workout too! I starting by dusting and that includes things that usually get overlooked, like the ceiling fans and tops of picture frames. The repetitive motion involved in dusting tends to be somewhat hypnotic and dusting is a good reminder of the cyclical nature of things. You dust, and a week later it is back, how is that for job security! There are also a couple of very practical reasons that I dust regularly. First, it helps keep my allergies at bay and that alone would be a good reason. The second reason is that it keeps my computer equipment running smoothly. Electronics don’t care for dust. Next I vacuum, which is the most physically demanding chore of all. However, it also tends to provide the most visible evidence that you have cleaned, mainly due to the nice, neat patterns in the carpet. Patterns that will disappear in a day or two due to foot traffic. Impermanence at a visceral level. Last, but most definitely not least, are the bathroom and kitchen. While these serve very, very opposite purposes, both are cleaned using strong chemicals to perform the same purpose, purification. It takes work to achieve this, but it is necessary to insure a healthy living space. Instead of dreading cleaning, if you look at it as a way to relax and purify your heart and mind, it becomes less of a chore and more of a way to relieve stress.