One of the most important and valuable things I’ve learned in 2017 is “Surrendering.” Why?

Because I’m a control freak and a rock. I like things to be done my way, my time, and under my expectations. I’m strong willed, self-reliant and self-resourceful. And why not?

I had to. I grew up in a fractured family. I lost my father at age 12 due to liver cancer. My mom was hospitalized due to schizophrenia. I was destined to wander around the streets of Taipei as an orphan. The saving grace of my aunt and uncle adopted me and my sister from Taiwan to the Augusta, Georgia in 2000.

I went from an orphan in Taiwan not knowing a word of English or how to play football to being accepted to Harvard University to play football in 5–6 years.

You see, this may explain and may cause my “control freak” nature and mindset. While I’m grateful of the communities and much “luck” that were provided to me throughout this journey, there was no shortcut man. I had to work extremely fucking hard with every ounce of my soul to improve myself through all circumstances and adversity. I had to earn it and prove myself time and time again.

Whenever I get knocked down (it happened often, and many times on my back), I just find a way to keep getting back up. I was a running back. I just refused to back down. I don’t ever quit. In fact, I don’t even know how to quit. I just don’t know what “quitting” means.

I graduated from Harvard College in 2010, and I felt like I was on “top” of the world after graduation. Why? Because I was associated with prestige, opportunities, and connections.

However, I’ve decided to forgo the high salary, banking opportunities to come back to Asia (beginning in Taiwan) to do a startup called Choxue, which many believed it had no future. Why? Because it had no clear business model, and the concept just sounded outrageous.

How do you survive? How do you last? These were always the first questions people ask me.

To me, I didn’t know either, but I will figure it out.

You see, the truth is. Sports saved me, changed my life, and taught me many things about life. So, I wanted to give back and help more athletes and sports teams to become successful in Asia. We aim to empower and enables sports teams to make money on their own. This was the right thing to do. More importantly, it was my passion.

Honestly, I truly believe if an orphan like myself, who was a math idiot and a terrible student in Taiwan, can end up at Harvard. This just means the same thing can happen to a lot of other people, if given the opportunities, environment, and of course a sickening work ethic. I believe there are many people who are way more hard working and more talented than me in Asia.

After all, I am basically a “living product” — a “product” of East and West culture and education system. Up to graduation, I’ve spent 13 years in Taiwan and 10 years in the US. My upbringing and journey solidified the following belief firmly:

“Even though we may be born unequal (ie. different skin color, socioeconomic status, ethnicities, nationalities, etc.), we are created to be equal.”

However, created to be equal does not mean you also deserve “equal things” or “everything” for that matter, as I later learned. You still have to put in the work and “earn” it. Most people associate being “equal” with “fairness,” which leads to entitlement.

That’s a distinction and a difference.

Nevertheless, this is why I’m like a rock. No one can convince me otherwise. Because this belief represents the “truth,” as it was lived out through me and now lives in me.

Some has called the outcome of this belief an “American Dream.”

Many “rags” to “riches” stories are taking place in this land of opportunities. People want to move to the U.S. to live, work, and be educated.

We all have a desire to excel.

Imagine growing up in Augusta, Georgia being the only Asian in your school without knowing a word of English? On top of that, you look extremely funny because you always wear spandex and the only colors you wore to school were black and white? (I credited this to heavy consumption of NBA and Allen Iverson at the time) But. Anyway.

Yup. Welcome to my world!

However, this experience has enabled me to truly “see” the difference between both places, beliefs, environments, and education system. While people have different definitions about education. To me, “education” is actually very simple.

I believe education is a word that refers to the process of bettering yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. In this life, it’s about becoming the best version of yourself authentically in various roles and circumstances you are given.

However, I have recognized that the“mindset” and the “measurement” (or lack thereof) that we use to “measure” people in Asia are fundamentally inaccurate, inadequate, hence flawed. This is because people have multiple intelligences, abilities, gifts, and talents.

If education is about enabling and empowering you to become the best version of yourself, then…

Education is not just about preparing you for the next best test score, best school, or best job. Education should be about preparing you for life. Not only that, it should be about preparing you to be the best version of yourself authentically in your own way. It comes down to maximizing your interest, abilities, and passion as well as creating opportunities to help you identify who you truly are.

Being and seeing who you truly are is also called humility.

Humility sometimes is associated with “humbling yourself,” which tend to perceive as “lowering yourself” in front of others in the Asian culture.

However, according to Charles Spurgeon, an influential preacher in the 1800s, that’s just not it. Humility is about being and seeing who you truly are. This means not perceiving yourself “lower” or “higher” but rather perceiving yourself as who you truly are at all times.

Yet, where are the two places we spent the most of our time prior to our 20s?

Family and school.

If we want to get better and improve “education,” we must know where to start.

In other words, what we have heard, seen, and experienced in our school and family would most likely form our attitude, behaviors, habits, hence beliefs and value system. This mindset that we have formed serves as a blueprint on how we believe the world would work, or not work for that matter.

If we are not aware or mindful, this would shape the lens in how we see the world. It would shape our own “reality,” and how we see our own “reality” would shape the world that “we” live in.

Yet, the current mindset from most of the parents and teachers in Asia are not focusing on finding who you truly are and bettering yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually but rather on the extrinsic benefits, such as test score, attending the best school, and getting that highest paid job.

Instead of enabling you being the best version of yourself authentically by identifying your interest, abilities, passion, and who you truly are. The entire expectation is about short term gratification and “practicality” — things that you can “see” and “touch” in the near future.

Naturally, it should be no surprise that many people are lost in the process and don’t know what to do in life later because they simply don’t know what they are good at, or who they are. Many lost passion, purpose, and beliefs.

Most people live in “fear.”

Why fear?

Because most people feel like they need to get permission or approval to do something; whether that’s from your parents, spouse, friends, teachers, or someone who is close to you. Because growing up, we all have been told what to do and what not to do. We all have been told what’s “right” and what’s “wrong.” Naturally, in the midst of confusion and uncertainty, we tend to seek approval and validation from those who are closed to us.

Then, when we are put into the “real world,” we don’t know what to do with our lives or how to add value. This is because we are not fully aware of our strengths or weaknesses. We don’t know who we truly are. You know, if you look deeply, every nation’s economy always strongly correlate with the human talents. In other words, if people’s talents and abilities are harnessed and maximized, it would correlate with a strong economy and job opportunities.

I believe we, Choxue, can add value big time in Asia by revealing and creating the truth — recognizing and identifying everyone’s unique talents, gifts, and abilities and enabling them to become the best version of themselves.

Some of our best entrepreneurs — Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Jack Ma — have all mentioned similar sentiment about startup and the the word “truth.” Startups are about revealing the “truth.” Building something that lasts is about doing something “fundamental.”

When it comes to creativity, Steve Jobs even said something very interesting: “Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it; they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while.”

I cannot agree more.

Why?

Because the truth and fundamentals never change. No matter where you go. Or, how long time passes by. Truth stays the same. Truth always prevails and wins.

Man, even our Harvard’s motto “Veritas” stands for the word “truth” in Latin. My whole 4 years of education is built around seeking the truth and a higher purpose.

This is why I’ve decided to do what I do. I had to follow the “truth” and connect the dots to create something based on my experiences despite being misunderstood and criticized. My initial motivation of using my experiences and abilities to help people have eventually evolved to a bigger life purpose and mission greater than myself.

I believe “sports” is the missing key that Asia has long been waiting. It’s a vehicle that can unifies many divided places and bring us together and live in harmony as one — schools, families, and societies. More importantly, “sports” can unleash our human potential and abilities in ways that Asia has never seen.

As the former President of South Africa Nelson Mandela once said about sport: “Sport has the power to change the world. It has the power to inspire. It has the power to unite people in a way that little else does. Sport can awaken hope where there was previously only despair.”

Mandela also said something about education: “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”

This is why our mission — to make “sports” a part of everyone’s education and lifestyle in Asia — is a worthy pursuit for life and beyond

As I pursue this mission relentlessly the last 5 years, I’ve quickly learned and realized this entrepreneurial journey has fully and thoroughly exposed me and who I truly was and am. This journey has revealed every “truth” about me. It has broken me down to the bone time after time, through and through.

Therefore, I’ve learned and recognized that if I ever want to realize our mission and vision, the only way is to improve and change myself big time.

Whatever it takes. There is no shortcut.

My actions and mindset have to match up to my ambitions. I’ve to constantly examine myself, my behaviors, and strive to become the best version of myself that I can possibly be in all circumstances and roles I’m given in life; whether as a leader of a company, brother, or later on, as a husband and a father.

I strive to become the best version of myself that I can be.

And Choxue is about helping everyone to become the best version of themselves, and we believe “sports” are our vehicle and “fuel” at this time.

This realization and belief came from many failures, mistakes, fuck-ups, and “death” experiences.

When you’re facing mortality and death, it not only humbles you but it also gives you perspective and meaning.

When you aren put into “deadly” situations, most people blame things and look outwardly.

I had no option but to examine myself, my own motivation, and my intent honestly. I had to be extremely self-aware and be brutally honest with myself.

It is the only way I know how. This is how I grew up. I couldn’t and can’t blame anyone.

This same mindset has carried into my entrepreneurial journey.

Let me explain. But first let me give you some background and context. So, please hop on a time machine with me.

There are two defining “Linsanity” moments in my life.

The first “Linsanity” moment happened back in 2012, when Jeremy Lin becomes the toast of New York and the whole wide world.

The second “Linsanity” moment actually happened in my own own personal world in 2015, where a lot less people knew about.

However, it was still a “Linsanity” moment nevertheless.

Why?

Because I believe the true definition and meaning of “Linsanity” refers to an “underdog” who rises up and achieves his or her “greatness.”

This is something that can happen to any of us. It can happen anywhere in the world; across different industries, professions, fields, color of skin, socioeconomic status, nationalities, and ethnicities. It is a moment when the preconceived notions and traditional labels on how we perceive and value people are shattered. It’s a moment when true grit, determination, perseverance, never giving-up attitude, motivation, intent, and self-belief rises up, triumphs, and prevails.

It is a moment when human spirit rises up and shatters our previous belief about the old “reality.”

The First Linsanity — Jeremy Lin Took The World By Storm

So, Jeremy Lin is actually one of my closest friends in college. Just to be real with y’all. He’s my dude, and I fucking love this guy. True bro. So, let’s just make sure this gets out of the way because it’s about staying real and trueful when it comes to awesome and meaningful relationships.

This Linsanity period was just so amazing and fun. It was arguably one of the world’s best seen sports stories and phenomenons in decades (if not ever)!

For me, I didn’t just witness it. I have also “lived in it.”

Jeremy and I first met during our college freshman orientation back in 2006. He was a basketball player, and I was a football player. We both are Asians and have similar interest and values. We clicked and became good friends over time.

Prior to Linsanity, his family has really embraced me and even made me felt like that I was part of the family. I had the chance to attend their family’s wedding. Man, it really was a blessing and a honor, and I’m really grateful to have these experiences and relationships in my life.

Knowing how hard he has worked and how much he had to give up to get to where he was? Man, I was just so excited and genuinely happy for him and his family when “Linsanity” happened. He absolutely deserved everything that came his way. Because the ones that really knew him would also know that his journey has started way before sitting on the deep end of NY Knicks bench in 2012.

That said, I’m going to be honest.

I’m also a competitive person. Seeing how Jeremy rose up from the deep end of the New York Knicks bench to become the toast of New York and the world also fueled me to work harder.

Things happened very quickly, and many people have approached his family with the intent of monetizing and taking advantage of Jeremy and Linsanity. It’s human nature.

Naturally, he and his inner circle became very protective and start to question many people’s intent and motivation whenever someone approaches them.

As it turn out, I was no exception.

[Just for the record here. I truly believe if I was in Jeremy’s situation and if the same thing were to happen to me, there was simply no way I would have the maturity, value, or poise to deal with all of the temptation as well as he had at the time. In fact, I truly believe if it were to happen to me, I may already have had multiple kids by now and in the process of dealing with a divorce lol]

The point is this. I went from feeling like one of the crew to an outcast. I felt like there was a wall and a disconnect over time. I thought perhaps it was the distance and time difference, as I was based in Asia at the time. This may have something to do with it. And honestly, I could accept this. Because I knew and thought it may be my “entitlement” at work. Being so close and a good friend, I thought I deserved the things he had; whether that would be connections, opportunities, or other things. I was young and exposed to materialism and status in steroid amount simply by association and connection.

In reality, I did nothing and did not earn it. He did. I did not. I had a “loser” mentality.

After all, the truth is — I was just not part of the family. So, I could accept and respect the “wall” and the “distance” after the Linsanity.

Yet, the most annoying part, in addition to being labeled, introduced, and recognized as “Jeremy’s roommate” wherever I go (as though my identity and sense of existence was based on my association with a person), was when I felt like my motivation and intent was questioned whenever I approach or hangout with them. The inner circle made me felt like that I was someone who also wanted to take advantage of Jeremy.

This was fucking annoying and frustrating.

When I was hanging out with him in Taipei during the summer of post-Linsanity in 2012, Taipei turned into a maniac. It was crazier than when Michael Jordan visited Taipei, according to many people who was working at Nike Taiwan at the time. It was just surreal for me to see and be a part of everything.

Because he was being pampered and was treated like a king wherever and whenever he goes; hundreds of cameras and reporters going on a 24/7 car chase wherever he goes, fans are fighting and screaming just to get a glimpse of him (or touch him), sponsors are lining up for his endorsements, gifts, cards, food, and framed photos of him are stacked up like a Fuji mountain at his hotel room. In short, he was living the dream that I wish I had and desired. I wanted to be a part of it. Who wouldn’t, right? To feel so important. To be celebrated and become the toast of the world? Who wouldn’t want this?

I still remember this.

After he departed from Taipei in the summer of 2012, I remember going back to my own lonely, empty apartment room one night.

There was a huge, sharp contrast.

He was living the dream with glamours things, connections, opportunities at his fingertips. I mean, President Obama knew who he was. Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook was at Madison Square Garden watching his game.

As for me, who am I?

I was not making a dime. I was taking money from my own saving. No one was catering to me. I felt unimportant and of no value in comparison.

I begin to wonder and question myself: “what am I doing with my life?”

Moreover, given my competitive nature, I wanted to succeed as well, and I wanted it to happen fast! Just Like “Linsanity” as well. “Overnight” style! If this sounds crazy, that’s because it is crazy. I mean, chasing after and competing with Linsanity?

Imagine that.

The result of me feeling inferior, not belonged, not validated have turned into a deep motivation and intent, which is to do something that has worked for me throughout my life up to this point — I’m motivated to prove them wrong.

Prove to them that Choxue was worth it. Prove to them that I belonged. Prove to them that I was of value in their eyes! I wanted to do it quick and fast. So, over the next few years, whenever they came back to Taiwan and made me felt like my intent or motivation was questioned, the more I wanted to prove them wrong and show them my worth. Consequently, the more impatient and negative I get. It was a vicious cycle.

I thought I was making progress, but it was at the expense of my own peace.

Looking back. This was one of the best and most unique things I’ve ever experienced, and I’m so thankful for it.

Why?

Because in the midst of uncertainty and confusion, it allowed me to truly dig deep and find out who I really am, what I am made of, my own path, and what I believed in. I got to know myself much better in the midst of this distracted, twisted materialistic “world” and “temptation.” Look, there’s no one to blame. I chose to put myself into this lense in how I perceive the world that I was living in.

Over time, in the process of me wanting to compete and to earn their respect, I realized I was being manipulated by my own expectation, which led to “fear,” “entitlement,” and a strong sense of insecurity. I realized I was not being my true, authentic self anymore. I had an ulterior motive and agenda that motivates me to do things that wasn’t “healthy” for my own being long-term.

Because I was not being my best self authentically anymore.

Expectation. Fear. Entitlement. Insecurity.

This is why I’m so appreciative and grateful of the close friends I have met in Taipei whom have supported me and held me accountable during my “lowest low,” as I attempted to carve out and search for my own path in order to find and establish myself. This was the Big Family, which consists of many people and led by Phil Chen, Blackie Chen, Christine Fan (aka. Fan Fan), Biung Wang, Xuan Huang, Sean Pultz, Tim Chen, Chris Tsai, Jason Tang, Annie, and many others.

This community and support network gave me the strength, acceptance, encouragement, and accountability that I badly and desperately needed not only to survive but also flourish. We are truly a “Big Family” — we all came from different backgrounds and fields, but we all shared the same “faith.”

Knowing what I know now, I could also understand the root that caused Jeremy and their inner circle’s behaviors — it was also fear. While the motivation may be out of “love” to protect, it was truly the “fear” that gets the last laugh.

As for me, in the midst of post-Linsanity, I just worked and worked and worked. Just put my head down and worked. There was no magic. No short cut. I believed and believed and believed. Just when I didn’t think I could work anymore, I worked some more. Just whenever I thought I couldn’t believe anymore, I chose to believe one more time.

The Second “Linsanity” Moment — Joe Tsai Invested In Choxue in 2016

Many friends of mine always ask me: “Hey Cheng, what does ‘Choxue’ mean?” And they would have trouble pronouncing the name, which tend to be “cho” “shoot.”

No worries at all. Allow me to clarify for you :)

The name “Choxue” is appointed by Phil Chen, a close friend and pastor from Big Family House Church in Taipei, Taiwan.

The name Choxue (球学) is supposed to indicate the combination between sports and academics. In the Chinese language, “cho” (球) represents the word “ball” or “sports. “Xue” (学) represents the word “academics,” “learning,” or “study.” This is a phonetic play on the Chinese term “qiuxue” (求学), or which means “to seek knowledge” or “seeking for a higher educational opportunity.”

We chose to combine these two characters together as our company name because it indicates and symbolizes our mission — to make “sports” a part of everyone’s education and lifestyle in Asia.

However, Choxue started in 2013 with just me, and I was working at Sean’s office, a friend that Phil introduced to me. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing other than trying and doing things at the time.

In High School, I made a senior football highlight tape and sent it off to basically all colleges in hopes of getting an athletic scholarship. I did not want my aunt or uncle to pay for my college tuition.

Harvard called.

I got into Harvard after spending one year of postgraduate program at Avon Old Farms School. Below is the videocassette that I mailed out. There was no Youtube or Facebook back then.

So, I figured…

“Hey, if my highlight tape gave me an opportunity to attend Harvard, then what if we also document sports games in Taiwan, create player highlight reels, and send them to all boarding schools and universities in the U.S.? What would happen?”

That’s what we did, and it started to evolve from there. We were documenting games in Taiwan. We were making highlight reels for players. We were doing scouting reports and analytics for the coaches. We were sending and contacting schools in the U.S. We wanted to create an alternative admission path. We were also creating strength and conditioning program, so athletes knew how to properly train, eat, and rehab. We wanted to help athletes and sports teams to become successful.

We want to help, serve, and solve people’s problems.

Many of my friends thought we were all over the place. They confused that for hustle.

It doesn’t matter how many times we get punch in the mouth. We wanted to make “sports” easier and make “sports” a part of everyone’s education and lifestyle in Asia.

That’s what we believe in. Whenever we get tackled, we get back up and continued to march forward.

Yes. Many of my close friends thought I was smoking crack. They thought I was stubborn and hard headed. Because we are not going to change 5000 years of Chinese education.

But, we just put our head down and grind. I worked on our website despite not knowing how to program. We hustled to broadcast high school basketball games despite the poor internet. We trained high school student-athletes by partnering with gym. We helped middle school and high school student-athletes to get scholarships to US colleges. We just worked and worked and worked.

However, as months and years go by, we started to have “volunteers” — young people who are in their 20s that would show up and wanted to join Choxue and be a part of this mission in spite of little to no pay.

By 2014, we had 4 people, so I left Sean’s office and set up an office at my own apartment (Thanks to Blackie, Fan Fan, and Fan Mama). By 2015, we had 7 people working at my own apartment and plus many other interns.

We have lived and worked together. You could imagine our apartment was filled with body odours, gym shorts, and basketball shoes. Yes. I made a huge bet and gamble, and I had spent every dime of my saving. I was also the strength and conditioning coach for Fubon Braves basketball team in 2014 (Thanks to Chris). My salary at the time was $80,000 NTD (or $2700 USD/month), which we used to pay for our rent, salaries, and other costs.

Savings and side jobs lasted us 41 months. I’ve burned all of my ships. There was no plan B. Plan B, to me, was just a fucking distraction. Even though I just believed in what we do, the reality kicked in — we were running out of money by the end of 2015.

Just when I thought we could not go any further, then one day, we got an opening.

Business Insider published an article titled “Meet the former Harvard football player who wants to make high school sports big in China” on February 20, 2015. 4 days later, I received an email from Joe Tsai asking to meet. He wanted to get to know me and Choxue.

I was absolutely floored when I received this email. I remember I was shaking, and it was one of those “holy shit” moments for me.

Because I always believed that one day Choxue would meet Alibaba, but I just didn’t think it would happen this fast and under such circumstance. Of course I have heard of Joe and his story. Because I’ve watched just about every Alibaba and Jack Ma’s videos on repeats. My team actually got so sick of it because I would always talk about it and share like crazy. I found many similarities in the principles and approach on what we are trying to accomplish. I’m truly thankful of Jack’s wisdom and words of encouragement during the difficult times. I hope one day I could shake his hands and tell him thank you.

Joe is the Executive Vice Chairman of Alibaba and joined the company as the 19th employee. During our first meeting, we just hit it off. I found out we actually shared a relatively similar story. Joe was originally from Taiwan, went to the US at age 13, didn’t know a word of English, and has played football and lacrosse at Lawrenceville High School in New Jersey. He later graduated from Yale University, where he played on the varsity lacrosse team for 4 years.

We shared the same motivation and vision because sports have benefited us greatly, taught us values and lessons about life, and made us happier and healthier. It’s just unbelievable. What are the odds!

Eventually, Joe wrote us a $500K check to get us going with a further commitment of $500K if we hit our milestones. We ended up raising $839K USD from 8 other people in our first round of investment: Richard Chang, Chris Tsai, Timothy Chen, Jimmy Chang, Ed Deng, Sean Pultz, and Jeremy Lin — people who all have supported Choxue unconditionally before then.

Everyone who invested in our first round all have one commonality — we were all benefactors from sports, so we shared similar motivation and values.

None of my friends thought what we do was “investable” because we were doing “charity” work and things that had no market. Then, one of the biggest names in the investment world Joe Tsai decided to invest in us. This was a “Linsanity” moment for us. Because this was a moment when true grit, intent, motivation, determination, perseverance, never giving up attitude, and self-belief triumphs all preconceived notions and labels (ie. unclear business model, inexperienced team, etc).

It was a tremendous and unbelievable blessing. A miracle.

However, with a new round of investment, the pressure for a rookie entrepreneur and team like me also intensified. The expectation is heightened.

I thought the perceived lack of blessings, inferiority, and the desire of wanting to prove others wrong would be the only way to create and live in fear.

Then, I learned abundant blessings could also create tremendous fear and can be equally fatal as well.

Here’s why.

After we closed our first round of investment, I was so ecstatic.

Then, fear kicked in. I was in terror.

I was so scared because I was afraid of making mistakes and doing something wrong or “wasting” this unbelievable resource. Just looking for a new office took us a few months, and I didn’t know how to properly handle all of these money, or “blessings.” Now, all of a sudden, we went from dying to have this tremendous amount of resources and runway.

This fear of failures, fear of fucking-up, fear of other people judging us intensified as we get more publicity.

I was not satisfied to just perform well. I wanted to exceed Joe’s expectations and do it in such a short amount of time. Because I wanted to show my gratitude to him for saving us from “death” and giving us a new opportunity. I wanted to show him that he made the right decision in investing in us.

Little did I know. All of these expectations, forces, and “fear” were driving me nuts unconsciously.

In late September 2016, Joe decided to attend our CX Invitational press conference. I remember standing on the stage and looking at Joe in disbelief. Inside my head, I was thinking: “I couldn’t believe this. This is a man that has heard millions of speeches from Jack Ma. Yet, there he was, and he has decided to take time out of his busy schedule to listen to me speak!”

I remember I got on the stage and wanted to impress Joe so much that I just froze and lost my words. Yes. We’ve rehearsed a few times before. While lack of preparation may be one of the reasons, I believe the biggest reason was I wanted to impress Joe so much that I wanted to live up to an image and standard that just wasn’t my authentic self anymore. I was not speaking or “doing” me in my own style. I was trying to do too much. So, I got cold feet and choked.

This was a total shock for me because I’ve played in front of 30,000 people during the Harvard-Yale game, so I’m used to being in front of people and perform under stressful situations. I like stress. I mean, come on! Athletes rise up and excel during stressful situations.

But this time, I failed and embarrassed myself miserably.

I’m not kidding. I almost shit on my pants in front of everyone!

I remember when I walked off stage, Joe just shook my hand and said: “good job!” And he just nodded his head, as though nothing has happened.

Man, while I was hard on myself, I was so grateful of this man. When someone has failed so embarrassingly in front of you, and you still have the humility and empathy to acknowledge, accept, respect, and embrace that person as one of your own. Man, that’s true love man.

Can you imagine that?

I’m glad you have a good laugh.

But the point is, this “fear” and “expectation” were real and built deep within me. It continued to evolve and exposed my true, authentic self that I simply could not believe this was “me” anymore.

Confront Your Fear And Be Brutally Honest With Yourself

Over time, as we receive more publicity and the more I share our vision and mission to the press, the more scared I get because I don’t see our team making progress in a timely manner under “my expectation.” When progress is not seen visually, this fear of mine deepens, impatience gets worst, anger rises, and it just becomes a vicious cycle. It’s like having atomic bombs in our office at all time.

As a startup founder, your are constantly battling fear and getting rid of fire. There’s “fire” and “shit” everywhere. Because you are constantly running against time and money just to survive every single day. Keeping and having a peace of mind is such a precious (or non-existent) state, especially in the midst of all of the chaos and expectations.

Plus my “control freak” mindset.

I quickly learned my “control freak” mindset and strong emotions actually become the grenade and source of many of our collisions, arguments, and fights we have had as a team. This “control freak” mindset also became the biggest barrier that prohibits the growth for each of our guys and our company as a whole.

Here’s what I was thinking and what I actually believed…

“Look, I graduated from Harvard. Okay? The Ivy League! This just means I’ve seen more and know more, so I’m just better than you “local” guys since none of you have even been to the US, let along graduated from a top school. Not to mention all of you guys are much younger and had limited working experience. I’ve worked in the NFL. Okay? I mean, do I need to say more? Is it not obvious? I’m “better and smarter” than all of you. So yes, I’m always ‘right.’ I was confident about this. I had a lot of pride. I was arrogant.”

Our team was small already at the time, but then we had a few sub-groups within our small team. As you can imagine, our team was scattered, divided, and filled with politics. It was hard to get people to listen. I begin to lose my team and trust from them.

So what did I do?

I used my authority. At times, I even force or will my way to get people to listen. But, it just completely backfired.

Lesson learned: politics just kills innovation and collaboration man.

Our people were not happy, could not be themselves, could not innovate, could not be heard, and were not accepted. The more scared and the more fear I have, the more I rely on my “will” or “authority” to achieve or even force things my way and timing.

I stopped listening to people. I stopped having humility. I bossed people around. I stopped being authentic. I stopped trusting my guys and seeing them as who they truly are. I see them as objects or things that merely exist to help me achieve this goal and mission.

I stopped being the best version of myself.

When our guys make a mistake (as they often do), I had no patience and yell at them. In short, I treated our team like shit.

Imagine that.

A leader whose job is supposed to lead but refuse to listen to you, does not help you grow, boss you around all the time, ask you to do things that you may not believe in or understand, and more importantly when you make a mistakes, he gets impatient, yells and blames you?

I had it so backward.

(Simon Sinke would be proud of me lol)

Yes. This was an accurate description of me and Choxue in a nutshell during our early stage. It was ugly, terrifying, and devastating for many people.

I did not like it either. I did not want to be like this either. But, the worst part? I just did not know how to make it better.

In the meanwhile, instead of owning up to it, I remember I just kept thinking in my head: “If we had more “experienced,” “capable,” matured,” and more “educated” people on this team, then all of these problems would go away or never happened in the first place. I kept thinking that I did not have the right team or even a qualified team. I begin to doubt my team and these people.

My perspective in how I was looking at this situation and our people were just not in the right place.

You know, most early stage startups fail not because they run out of money, have no product, or don’t have revenue. These things are byproducts. Not the roots. Majority of startups fail because of internal fallout. Fights, disagreements, and arguments among founders. Startups don’t die when they run out of money. Startups only die when people completely quit or just give up trying.

At this time, you are probably thinking: “If this was me, I would’ve already be gone!”

Well, you’re totally right.

7 people left. We went from 16 talented people to 9.

First batch of 3 people left in March 2017, and then second batch of 4 people left four months later in July. When these people left, it just destroyed our entire team’s spirit and confidence. We lost all of the skills we needed to run our company. Our tech team went from 4 people to 1 person.

Worst of all, all of remaining people begin to doubt and question if they should stay at all at this company with a shitty leader like myself.

Fucking fear and expectation man. Fuck this fearful and insecurity mindset. It was just a claustrophobic fuck.

However, there is a happy and positive outcome from this nightmare. But, let me start with this — the worst fear and inevitable truth that we all need to face.

Death.

I believe death is the best invention of mankind. Why? Because death gives perspective and meaning in everything we do.

Death and mortality humble us. No one escapes it. Not a person. Not a company (although I’d like to challenge the the company part)

I was exposed to death at age 12 from my father. This rocked my world and forced me to grow up quickly.

In 2017, I was experiencing “death” from my own company. I had to confront my worst “fear,” “insecurity,” and my own expectations that was built over the last 5 years. Both “Linsanity” moments actually crippled me deeply and psychologically, and I was unaware of it until now.

For the longest time, I always felt like I can be in total control. This “control freak” mindset made me believed that I could always carry the team on my back and to the end zone if that’s what it takes.

I have the will and determination.

Man, how wrong I was. This mindset destroyed and blew our team to pieces, and it did so magnificently.

However, there is beauty that comes from all of this. As Will Smith said, on the other side of maximum danger is bliss, perfect happiness, and joy. Because you realized at the point of maximum danger is the point of minimum fear.

God places the best things in life on the other side of terror. On the other side of your maximum fear are all of the best things in life.

“ I Surrender”

I was not aware how deep and all of the fears were built within me until I had to confront the truths. When you are facing and exposing to death, you begin to see things clearly.

Because you realized what truly mattered and equally important — what didn’t matter.

When you deeply care about something, you are more vulnerable and afraid of losing them. Choxue means the world to me because I’ve burned all of my ships. I was ALL IN (still am). I’ve gotten to this point through sweat, blood, and tears.

However, I was on the tip of losing it all.

I started to see all of those fears coming to me all at once.

The fear of survival. The fear of fulfilling expectations. The fear of running out of money. The fear of how others judge us. The fear of people quitting. The fear of not having the right product. It just goes on and on and on.

I wanted to get to the root of it.

7 people left, and the remaining is considering to leave as well. The old me would try to convince them to stay and give it one more chance because this was not the first time that we almost collapse.

But this time, it was different. For some reason, I knew I had zero influence or control on them whatsoever.

The only thing I could do was to wait, watch, and accept whatever outcome that happens in front of my own eyes. I felt powerless but not hopeless.

I was staring at death, and I was mentally ready for it.

I was ready to see the collapse of every pillar and column of this house that took us 4 years to built… and begin to fall down into pieces now.

There was nothing I could do to prevent it this time. I had to accept the worst outcome and the consequences. In my head, I was thinking:

“How should I clean this mess up? Or, could I even clean it up? How should I tell our investors? But more importantly, how should I or can I even bounce back from this? I didn’t lose hope because I knew me giving up was just not an option.”

By this time, I had fully accepted the consequences of my actions.

Then, a beautiful thing happened.

There were tears.

Our team told me that they have decided to stay — Tmac, Jagger, Xiao, Bonny, Pierce, Awill, and my mom (we later added two people — Stanie and Tim — and Jero later decided to return).

I was stunned.

I was so touched and moved. At this moment, I knew that we have something unique here. Why?

Because these people did not choose to stay because of me. I was a shitty, terrible, and a fucked up leader.

They stayed because they chose to believe in each other. They always had believed in each other.

Motivation and intent are everything.

Those who shared the same motivation and intent lasts and sustains hardships. This is not only important for employees but also important for investors. It’s so rare and precious, but I recognized it clearly on my own team.

You know, you get to know someone really well when you put them through fire and adversity. Because it reveals their true character, motivation, and intent. You learn what that person is made of. At the point of maximum adversity, there is simply nothing to hide. You are fully exposed. Everything is stripped away to the bare bone.

In their bare bone, these people chose to stay.

Then, I realized everything was in my head. What truly mattered, what’s more important, and more fundamental than the mission itself (or even chasing for a higher purpose) is this:

The people.

We have a group of people who believed in each other and believed in the mission.

These people all joined Choxue for the right reason and intent from the very beginning. They are all willing to sacrifice and go to the war with me. Yet, I was so blind that I failed to see and maximize these “gifts” for so many years.

Instead of “seeing” their attitude, effort, intent, and motivation, I perceived and judged them based on many preconceived labels; age, degree, English capability, or skill sets.

Moreover, all they wanted and desired was just to be better. They wanted to learn from me.

But, I was impatient, disrespectful, arrogant, and bossy. I was not making them feel safe or important. I was not helping them grow or becoming a better person.

I was in the position to lead but gave them none of that.

I had no love. Zero love.

Despite all of this, they chose to stay. They chose to fight the war and continue the journey with me.

It was crazy. But, all of my previous fear, insecurity, and “control freak” mindset were just completely washed away at this moment.

The pillars of the house were back and became stronger than ever before.

It’s like knowing no matter what; even if the sky falls down tomorrow or if we ran out of money, I believe this team will continue be here and fight the fight. We will be okay.

I believe we have the right team. I believe in these people.

My previous beliefs and terror were shattered. The thought that “I didn’t have the right team or foundation” is now gone. It is now filled with a strong belief and foundation of love, boldness, humility, and courage.

I am ready and willing to die with the team or go down together because of a mistake moving forward.

But then, the question is: how can I be so blind and failed to see for so long?

I Was Blind But Now I See | The Love Quotient — LQ

It was on March 8th at 2am in the morning. I’ve just learned that my team chose to stay that earlier evening.

“What an incredible day!” I thought. It felt like an resurrection; the company literally went from the brink of death to being alive again.

That night, I remember I just laid down on my bed so exhausted but grateful.

I put on my headphone, went onto Youtube, and typed in “Hillsong” — one of my favorite Christian bands, and clicked on one of the random playlists.

Then, the song “I Surrender” randomly came up.

When the song started playing, I was in tears and cried like a baby alone in my room shortly after. I was crying so hard uncontrollably.

Then, something magical happened

(Just for the record, everything I’m saying here is nothing but the truth)

I was laying in my bed with both of palms facing up. I couldn’t move both of my hands.

Then, I felt a warm energy and spirit that entered into my heart and chest area. The tears continue to fall.

Over the next 20–30 seconds, I felt 4 emotions and forces that evolved.

Sadness, mercy, grace, and joy.

Sadness. I felt sad and guilty because of the truth.

I let the team down. I treated my team like shit when this whole time God has intended and already placed the right people and “gifts” around me. Yet, I was just so blind and failed to “see.” Not only did I not maximize these “gifts” or people, I was tearing them down and apart. I did not trust them. I failed to see and embrace God’s blessings. I felt sad and guilty.

Then, sadness shifted to mercy, as though God was telling me that “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry. I forgive you. It would be okay.” I felt a sense of forgiveness, hence liberation and warmth.

Lastly, mercy shifts to grace and joy. What happened, has happened. But, God and my team did not give up on me and this mission. We still have an opportunity, and wonderful things are in store for us ahead. Go seize it and take advantage of it. It felt like a resurrection. I was joyful, content, at peace, and grateful.

The tears continued to fall, and I just continued to repent. I remember I slept for only 2–3 hours that night. I woke up at 4:30am wide awake. I just couldn’t sleep anymore.

Then, boom!

There were so many thoughts in my head, as though God was communicating with me. So, I went downstairs, wrote everything down into 15 bullet points. I also turned on the “I Surrender” song, and yes I cried again like a baby.

(Man, I didn’t know a grown man like myself can cry so much during that day).

I broke down in tears because I felt so guilty. Because I was so blind, and I failed to truly “see” and recognize the “gifts” that God has surrounded me with.

There is something more here. In the midst of these chaos, three young men really stepped up: Jagger, Pierce, and Xiao.

I begin to wonder. Why are these men so incredibly driven? So self-reliant and so self-resourceful.

Then, I found out. They are very similar to me. They also grew up in a fractured family. So, they had to.

Jagger and I met in 2014 at an Jumpstart startup event where I was giving a speech. After sharing my story and vision at the event, he asked in front of a crowded audience: “what kind of people are you looking for?” I responded: “Someone who is not afraid to die.” He then decided to quit his banking job in Tainan and moved up to Taipei with his girlfriend. He was determined. He’s our chief operational officer now. I later learned that both of his parents passed away suddenly during college.

Xiao is a 20 year old young man, and I first met him at Taipei American School when he was just a high school senior. He is our tech whizz and has been helping us with broadcasting and technology ever since we first met. He then decided to leave University of Illinois Champaign for a semester in 2016. Well, a semester has now turned into 2 years. He’s our chief technology officer. His father is 77 years old. Similar to my mother, his mother has also suffered schizophrenia and committed suicide recently.

Pierce and I also first met at an event where I was giving a speech in 2015. When he quit his job later, he reached out to me. I later learned that his father passed away when he was 12 due to cancer . His mom recently passed away due to cancer. We, as a company, have attended his mom’s funeral and paid our respect in 2017.

What are the odds that these men who are so incredibly driven, self-reliant, and self-resourceful all happened to come from a “fractured” family and be put in the same room with me together?

The thing was. I didn’t go look for them. They came looking for me.

There must be a reason.

I believe this is another challenge and obstacle that God placed in my life to help me and us grow.

This time, I needed to learn how to truly love.

He has placed those of us who have suffered and experienced “brokenness” together in the same room, so we can truly learn how to love one another.

I vowed to become the best leader that I possibly could for these men and women as well as the mission moving forward — a servant leader. This means leading with others in mind.

Instead of having a “control freak” mindset like I did, I’ve learned how to “let go” and lead with others in mind.

The key here is empowering our guys. However, when you empower someone to do something, you have got to be able to let them take ownership and make decisions, which means allow them to make mistakes and own them.

If any of my team makes a mistake, and the company collapses. So be it.

When the team truly feels they are empowered, have ownership, and are in charged. Man, watch out! What a difference this has made.

There was no magic or short cut. We just worked. But, what took place was just amazing.

We had 9 people remaining at the time. Only 1 person knows tech and computer programming — Xiao. This means 8 others, including myself, knew nothing about technology or coding.

However, despite knowing nothing about coding or computer programming, Tmac, Jagger, and Pierce have decided to take the future within their own hands and started to learn coding. They learn from scratch by watching youtube videos and often work until 4am in the morning.

We strive to be an internet, tech company. This means the ratio of our team should have more tech people than non-tech people, right?

So, the idea of keeping our team or not reducing their salary at all may go against many conventional beliefs and business practice. Because it can be perceived as an “waste” or “inefficient” use of time and resources.

However, I chose to believe in this team, even if this means that it may take longer. Even if we go down together, so be it.

This has worked out for us at the time.

The crazy thing was that they learned so fast that they were even able to add value to our products and platform in just a few months.

What happened to us was a great case study.

Even though it was only a short glimpse, I’m a firm believer now.

When our guys felt accepted, respected, safe, protected, and loved in an environment, the amount of progress that we can achieve is stunning. We have made more progress in 4 months than the last 5 years combined. We launched our platform choxue.com within 4 months!

When in doubt, always choose love, patience, and kindness. They always win.

I believe the next big internet company needs to have more than just amazing technology and revenue. It needs to have wisdom, humility, and courage. It comes down to helping people to grow mentally, physically, and spiritually.

As Jack Ma said it the best: “If you want to be successful, you have to have EQ. If you want to be respected, you have to have LQ. L stands for love.”

I couldn’t agree more.

I learned and recognized that if we truly want to help people become the best version of themselves, we need to create a culture that enables our own people to become the best version of themselves first. This means to feel accepted, respected, loved, and empowered.

This also starts with me. I need to be a person that can first respect myself, love myself, and accept myself. Then, I can enable and empower others to do the same. Then, we can create an environment for that.

This is why we begin to do small group and place a gym in our office. Because we need to be able to help our guys to grow mentally, physically, and spiritually.

To grow wisdom, courage, and humility. To become the best version of ourselves.

Zero Fear Means No Limitation | A Shared Dream By All

The thing that was holding me back was my fear, insecurity, and low tolerance of mistakes.

But man, once I fully and truly accept all of the potential consequences and limitations that comes from not only my actions but also from all of the others — even if this means “death”….

There becomes zero fear, and zero fear means no limitation.

It’s so ironic and so true.

God places the best things on the other side of terror. On the other side of your maximum fear are all the best things in life.

Everything starts to make sense to me now. All of the dots are connected.

I truly believe we are doing the right things, in the right place, at the right time.

Dots are connected.

I should not be alive right now. Every disaster and crisis in my life have begin to evolve into my biggest blessings. They were not set-back. They were set-up.

If my father didn’t pass away and mom was not hospitalized, my aunt and uncle would not have had the opportunity to adopt me and my sister.

If that did not happen, I would not have had the opportunity to go to the US, let alone play football at Harvard.

The thing is. I did not just lose my parents. The biggest and the best thing that ever happened to me was this — I also lost their expectations of me.

This also means I’m fully accountable and in charged for all of my actions, choices, and consequences.

I got no one to blame but myself.

This in turn then enabled and allowed me to be my true self. I’m able to be the best version of myself.

It’s a funny twist.

Now, all of these “sports” experiences that was given to me also gave me an opportunity to help bring my mom back to this world.

Everything happens for a reason. Dots are always connected.

No matter how bad things get or how seemingly impossible things may appear. Things always work out at the end.

We just got to trust the process. No matter how hard it is. We don’t ever give up. Never ever give up for doing the right thing.

Always choose to believe that things will always workout at the end, even though it may go against your expectation.

This is called faith.

Most people only believe when they “see” things.

Very few people first “believe,” and then they “see.”

Even though I was born in Taiwan, but I was “made” in the US.

I’ve worked in Beijing for a year in 2012. My grandparents were from Anhui, China, and I had the opportunity to visit my relatives there in 2012. I have a Taiwan and a US passport. However, I do not only see myself as a Taiwan and an US citizen.

Given my roots, where I am from, and our aspiration, I also see myself as a global citizen that needs to have global perspectives, responsibilities, and duties.

Having this mindset is important to help Taiwan.

According to Time Magazine, Taiwan is suffering from massive brain drain problem, and the main beneficiary is China.

My motivation of helping athletes and sports in Taiwan have evolved over time:

I want to help Taiwan.

I believe the best way to help Taiwan is to connect Taiwan with China culturally, socially, and economically.

China does not lack resources but need ‘culture.” This is where I believe Taiwan can add tremendous value.

This is why I believe “sports” can be the missing key that we desperately need in Asia. Because I believe “sports” can connect and create a bridge between Taiwan and China socially, culturally, and economically. It’s a way for us to create more dialogues and conversations.

Why?

Because when we connect through shared interest and abilities, we develop relationships. When we develop relationships, we develop trust. When we develop trust, we develop respect and mutual understanding.

I hate politics. Because politics kill innovation and collaboration.

This is why we need “sports” more than ever — a way for us to build communities based on shared interest, abilities, and identities. When this takes place, mutual acceptance and respect would form.

There needs to be a global startup that begins in Taipei. Period.

I strive that Choxue can become that global startup one day.

However, I’m also aware that this mission is bigger than all of us. We can do everything right, and terrible things can still happen. So, it may not be us who gets it done at the end of the day.

But by God’s will and grace, please let this happen for another startup or group.

The point is. It needs to happen sooner rather than later. I hope and pray that some startups or some group of people would have the courage, wisdom, humility, and boldness to make this happen and do the right thing from a bigger perspective — God’s will and purpose.

We won’t have everything figured out and will always be misunderstood, but the point is — we just need to get started and never give up for doing the right things.

After all, can our kids’ education and future wait? I mean, would you? Would any of the parents ever wait to educate their own kids?

We have a chance and an opportunity of a lifetime to make this happen. It’s gonna require many of us to work together, believe in ourselves and each other.

Just recently I had the chance to speak with a group of parents. The son was in 3rd grade, and his mom was concerned about his future

I said: “Just let the kids have fun and be himself. He’s only 8 years old!”

The mom said: “He’s young and does not know what is ahead. But as a mom, I have to think ahead and prepare for him in advance, so it won’t be too late.”

I’m 30 years old now.

Honestly, I also hope by the time that I had my own kids, he can be educated properly in Asia in order to be the best version of himself or herself authentically.

By that time, I wouldn’t need to be “dead,” just so my kid(s) can truly grow up and be themselves.

Imagine.

The ability to participate, experience, and be a part of your own kids’ upbringing and enable them to become the best version of themselves?

I believe this is a dream that’s shared by all kids and parents.

It may not happen in our lifetime. But if we don’t try, it will never happen.

So I will end it in a prayer. This is a battle prayer that we, as a Harvard football team, would say together before stepping into each “war.” The prayer is not about seeking to win or lose, but rather it asks for a noble opportunity— “a chance that’s fair” “a chance to do or dare” — it’s just… profound.

Dear Lord, the battles we go through life

We ask for a chance that’s fair

A chance to equal our stride

A chance to do or dare

If we should win, let it be by the code

Faith and honor held high

If we should lose, we’ll stand by the road

And cheer as the winners go by

Day by Day, we get better and better

Til’ we can’t be beat, WON’T BE BEAT!

No matter how tough things get. No matter how hopeless things may seem. No matter how steep the hill is. No matter where you are in life. Trust the process. Trust eating shit. Trust fucking up. Failures make us better. It’s the only way.

Things don’t happen to you. They happen for you.

God has created and made us to be stronger than we think we are. God has a plan for all of us.

But the key here is we just got to believe and work. Most people give up too early or get talked out of it before even getting started.

Life is short, so we got to make it count.

Life is long, so we got a long time to keep our heart right and stay true to ourselves.

This mission we’re on is bigger than any of us. But, we can only get there if we start to have the humility, courage, and honesty to be our authentic self.

Don’t ever ever give up for doing the right things and being the best version of yourself.

If you cannot run, walk.

If we you cannot walk, crawl.

But by all means, just keep moving forward no matter how tough it gets.

Every man dies, but not every man truly live.

Be the best version of yourself, so you can in turn use your gifts and abilities to enable others become a better version of themselves.

Because what we do in life

Echoes in eternity.